I am seriously in need of gratitude today. Even if I'm reaching for straws. Sometimes I wonder if I am really doing Michael any favors by staying married to him, because I just don't know if I'm ever going to get past all my issues of trust. Maybe he doesn't deserve trust. Today, I don't know. What I DO know is that if I am going to be married today, I need to be grateful cause right now I just feel tense and resentful...
So here goes, and maybe some of these will be straws I'm reaching for, but I know I need it.
I think I did well on my bio test. I felt alright about it, I am certain I passed and maybe did better than my last test, in which I got a 70. Grateful that I came home and had the good sense to put my kids right in the bath, cause now they are clean and ready for bed- and it settled them down. Grateful that Alex is home. Grateful that Alex's dad has offered to take him trick or treating. Grateful that Alex thought being a vampire for Halloween was a good idea, that we have just about all we need for THAT costume except the teeth. Grateful that the teeth only cost .69 cents. That's the cheapest Halloween costume ever. That all the things that I've lost are just 'things'. I remember hearing an Alateen speaker say once, if I lost my car- I would not lost everything, I would just be less one truck. So I know that there are things I've lost over the years. Things that were 'casualties' to the disease, they are just things. I'm glad I have the good sense to see that on a day that I would otherwise pull up every misdeed and ball it up in one big batch of resentment. I'm grateful for the Wiggles, cause Gabe used to love them, and now Danny does. And they are fun to watch, and it makes the boys laugh when I sing and dance along. Grateful that my boys think I'm funny, and that they are glad to see me when I come home. I LOVE coming home to Gabe yelling, MAMA!!!- Look Daddy, it's MAMA!!! At least someone is glad to see me. My Bio teachers jeep got stolen yesterday, I'm grateful that I have my van. I don't even care that it's a beast, that it leaks when it rains and then smells like mildew. It runs, it seats my family. I feel safe in it, it has a radio. I'm already ahead of the game. I'm grateful for my sponsor. I feel such a void lately because we have not been able to get together. She has been really busy so we have not been talking on email and we are not going to the same meetings lately. It feels good when she leaves me messages and tells me that she misses talking to me, and tells me she loves me. She's really the ONLY person who consistently tells me that she loves me at least once a day. Wow, that's kinda sad- but then again, she means it. It's pure and she doesn't want anything in return from me. I am grateful for the friendships that I am building lately. Like with Sarah. I have known her for years but lately we seem to be talking alot since we carpool and she is so easy to talk to. She listens, and doesn't judge, even when she could. Sometimes I talk too much, and leave myself wide open for judgement- but she doesn't. She may not agree- but she respects my decisions and just supports me. I have taken alot of the stress out of my friendships. I don't want to have to impress anyone, and I don't want anyone to have to impress me. It's nice that I can catch up with my friends, once a week- or maybe twice a month- and it's ok. There is no guilt. Grateful for Keri who just brings a calm to my heart. Just hearing her voice or reading an email makes me smile. She tells me she misses me- and I know she means it. I love having friends that love me and are gentle with me. I love having friends that I can bitch about motherhood to, like Christine- who totally understands the days that I am about to lose it with all these kids- and she can laugh when I tell her that I'm about to kill them all- cause she knows how I feel, and knows that I won't. I love having my best friend Carrie- who just knows me. Period. She just knows me. I'm grateful for my mom- who I just didn't understand for many many years. I thought she would never understand me- and therefore never respect me. But she respects me enough to just let me be. She loves me and loves my kids. Friday night she wants me to come over and we can make cookies for a party we are both going to on Saturday. At first I thought that she just didn't want my to be lazy and buy them, like I was going to- but then I thought that maybe there was a possiblity that she just wants to spend some time with me. yeah, that's possible. I never considered she would just want to be around me- but I think she does. That's cool. Grateful that someone I know shared with me that he was in program, AA not Alanon. Grateful that I could share my program with him. That I can share the speaker CD's I have with him. It also helps me be a little less annoyed with this person, cause he can be a but bothersome at times- but it's funny, now that I know he's in program- his tendencies make all the sense in the world. And I'm grateful that God put someone in my life today that reminded me what it's like to be new in program and I can share my experience with him. How invaluable my sponsor is, and how much I love AA and the Big Book and how blessed I feel to have a 12 step program in my life. I like being able to share it with people from my 'real life' and have them know what I'm talking about. So I'm grateful to him, whose name I will not mention- cause, well, you know.... Grateful that while there is not a ton of food in my house, there IS food here if I want to cook it. Grateful that the battery on my phone died so I was not able to help Michael when he ran out of gas because it would have made me late for class. Grateful that he was able to handle his problem on his own. What do you know, things DO happen without my help.
I could probably stop writing now, but I'm afraid if I do, I will go right back into resentment. Alex is mad at me. He asked me if he could stay up late, like he always does- and I said yes, as long as he had everything ready for tomorrow by 8:30. Have his clothes ready for tomorrow- any papers signed, his weather report. It's 8:45 and his clothes are not ready, and his weather report is not done. He does this EVERY TIME I let him stay up late. There is always SOMETHING that he didn't do until last minute- so now he has to go to bed. And he's mad at me. Well, that's too bad. He can be mad- but he didn't hold up his end of the deal. I feel bad and I want to let him stay up regardless. Actually it's about 5 minutes to 9 anyway, so he only really lost about 5 minutes. It's not that tragic, regardless of what he thinks. No wonder he doesn't like coming home. I think when he stays at my mom's house, he has more time in the morning. Well, he can be mad at me. I'm his mom, not his friend. You can't be both.
Well Gabe is dancing around to the Wiggles and I can't resist but to go dance with him...
About Me
- Julie
- Using my 40's as a do-over for my thirties, only smarter. I often mistake the bees and honey reference with the one about free milk and a cow. This might explain my whole life.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
HALT
Today I was absolutely in HALT. I was Hungry most of the day, Angry and Tired. I guess if I thought about it, I could say I was lonely- but not so much. I was at work today and I spent alot of time with my friends, so no, not lonely, but definately the rest of them. I didn't sleep well last night at all. I didn't bring lunch and I didn't want to spend any money (of course by 2PM I was starving so I broke down and got a salad). And I was angry because Michael was just being a jerk. He can be so hateful, and I don't even like hearing his voice when he's got that tone. I slept on the couch because just being in the room with him made me feel uneasy and I just wanted to scream at him. I haven't spoken much to him today either, cause I just don't have anything to say- and being tired and angry, I know that I will just say the wrong thing and make it worse. I have not been so good and keeping my mouth shut and I need to practice that again because it works and it makes me feel better because I have nothing to feel guilty about. I usually feel so damn guilty all the time because I am always saying or doing something that makes me feel guilty, even if I shouldn't feel bad, I just do. But I know if I just keep my mouth shut, I will have nothing to feel bad about- and it frees me from guilt. Freedom from the bondage of self. what an amazing concept.
Pastor Ed suggested that I go to marriage counseling if this marriage is something I want to keep. I have been resisting it, because it seemed like putting the cart before the horse, but perhaps this is as close to recovery as Michael is ever going to be- so maybe it's a good idea to have a safe place to communicate. I don't know if he will want to go to counseling, he said before that he would- but I'm sure it's just like with everything else, he will want to go some days, and other days- he will refuse. I guess I just don't have any faith in him to be reliable to take care of this marriage. Why would I?? I guess I need to try to have a better attitude- but today it's hard. I'm tired and angry today- so nothing I say can be taken TOO seriously because I'm thinking on emotion.
I reread my third step writing today. I feel like I have a good idea about taking the third step. I know that I have to stay in action to continue to turn my will over to my Higher Power. I have to pray, write, read or call. I can't just sit in the bad feelings and twist myself up about everything. I have to let it go. Last night I got on my knees and prayed, not something I do very often, but I actually got on my knees. I was out on the couch (ugh) and I just prayed for whatever his will for me is, knoweldge of that- and that power to carry that out. I also prayed to get at least one good hour of sleep and to take these crazy thoughts away from me. And as I closed my eyes and started to relax, I felt the tension lift away. I dont know if that was my body going into a rest mode, but I actually FELT lighter and I was aware of those feelings. As I drifted to sleep, I said thank you- and while it was only an hour- I did get a solid hour of restful sleep and while I was still tired, it was enough to get me through the day. I know that God is listening if I am willing to reach out for Him. I believe it.
Pastor Ed suggested that I go to marriage counseling if this marriage is something I want to keep. I have been resisting it, because it seemed like putting the cart before the horse, but perhaps this is as close to recovery as Michael is ever going to be- so maybe it's a good idea to have a safe place to communicate. I don't know if he will want to go to counseling, he said before that he would- but I'm sure it's just like with everything else, he will want to go some days, and other days- he will refuse. I guess I just don't have any faith in him to be reliable to take care of this marriage. Why would I?? I guess I need to try to have a better attitude- but today it's hard. I'm tired and angry today- so nothing I say can be taken TOO seriously because I'm thinking on emotion.
I reread my third step writing today. I feel like I have a good idea about taking the third step. I know that I have to stay in action to continue to turn my will over to my Higher Power. I have to pray, write, read or call. I can't just sit in the bad feelings and twist myself up about everything. I have to let it go. Last night I got on my knees and prayed, not something I do very often, but I actually got on my knees. I was out on the couch (ugh) and I just prayed for whatever his will for me is, knoweldge of that- and that power to carry that out. I also prayed to get at least one good hour of sleep and to take these crazy thoughts away from me. And as I closed my eyes and started to relax, I felt the tension lift away. I dont know if that was my body going into a rest mode, but I actually FELT lighter and I was aware of those feelings. As I drifted to sleep, I said thank you- and while it was only an hour- I did get a solid hour of restful sleep and while I was still tired, it was enough to get me through the day. I know that God is listening if I am willing to reach out for Him. I believe it.
Monday, October 24, 2005
Vertical Climb
I heard a statement that 'any vertical climb is a metaphor for how you go through your life.' What does it say about me that I am afraid of heights?
Sunday, October 23, 2005
self parenting
Yesterday in my meeting I shared about a conversation I had with my 10 year old, Alex about a friend of his who does not always treat him very nicely. And I was telling him that he does not have to accept friendship from someone who does not treat him the way he wants to be treated, and asking him why he wanted to be friends with someone who acted bad? While I was saying this, I was thinking in the back of my head that I had better stop talking, cause who am I to give advice like this?? I know that I will never be a truly effective parent to my kids, until I can be an effective parent to myself. I know that I need to set an example for them, and not allow myself to be treated in ways that I would not want them to think is OK. I would have for my boys to follow the same patters as thier dad, or for them to fall into co-dependent relationships, but I know that if they follow my example, they will do one or the other.
I have been watching Breaking Bonaduce on VH1. I'm hooked on it, because for a long time I have been in the same kind of relationship, of course, not to THAT extreme- but I feel for his wife. I see how he has managed to function for all this time- and how his ego seems to be the one thing that motivates him to go either way. And how his wife has hung in there, probably because she doesn't know what else to do. It all seems so manageable. It comes on so slowly. It's not as if one day I woke up and my life was out of control. It's like the tumor that is the size of a grapefruit. It wasn't ALWAYS that big- it started out the size of a grain of rice. Over time it gets bigger- but it also seems manageable. Maybe since Danny went through periods of success, they thought the problem had gone away or that it was manageable. I would listen to him on the radio, and wonder if and when it would come back, how bad it would get. I would listen and laugh to his absurd ideas about drinking, I can laugh about the craziness- cause I've been there and seen it first hand. But I always wondered if and when it would blow up- and how long his wife would wait. Perhaps she didn't realize the disease he has. She said to him on his way to rehab that they need to get his drinking under control. I almost laughed at the absurdity of that comment. If I could only have gotten Michaels drinking or drug use 'under control'... It just doesn't happen... it always got worse. Either way, even when Danny was not drinking or using, he was just dry. Like a brittle leaf- any pressure and he'd crack. That is how Michael appears to me today... he's just dry. I guess it's better than drunk or using- not alot better- but better.
Gratitude List: -The website that I fould with all the AA/Alanon speakers that I can listen to and download for later. http://www.elmoware.com/dld_fram.htm -The cappucino and slice of pie I had for breakfast -My sponsor, who I was able to share honestly with yesterday about my most recent disappointments. I'm grateful that there is ONE person that I can share everything with and she won't judge me, or question my motives. -Michael, for being a normal guy this past week, even with all the BS and that he's sober today; -the people in my Saturday morning meeting who laugh when I share and make me realize that my problems are not so dramatic and serious.
-that my mom just called and said she had alot of leftover food from last night, so I can come over and get some. Thanks mom.
I have been watching Breaking Bonaduce on VH1. I'm hooked on it, because for a long time I have been in the same kind of relationship, of course, not to THAT extreme- but I feel for his wife. I see how he has managed to function for all this time- and how his ego seems to be the one thing that motivates him to go either way. And how his wife has hung in there, probably because she doesn't know what else to do. It all seems so manageable. It comes on so slowly. It's not as if one day I woke up and my life was out of control. It's like the tumor that is the size of a grapefruit. It wasn't ALWAYS that big- it started out the size of a grain of rice. Over time it gets bigger- but it also seems manageable. Maybe since Danny went through periods of success, they thought the problem had gone away or that it was manageable. I would listen to him on the radio, and wonder if and when it would come back, how bad it would get. I would listen and laugh to his absurd ideas about drinking, I can laugh about the craziness- cause I've been there and seen it first hand. But I always wondered if and when it would blow up- and how long his wife would wait. Perhaps she didn't realize the disease he has. She said to him on his way to rehab that they need to get his drinking under control. I almost laughed at the absurdity of that comment. If I could only have gotten Michaels drinking or drug use 'under control'... It just doesn't happen... it always got worse. Either way, even when Danny was not drinking or using, he was just dry. Like a brittle leaf- any pressure and he'd crack. That is how Michael appears to me today... he's just dry. I guess it's better than drunk or using- not alot better- but better.
Gratitude List: -The website that I fould with all the AA/Alanon speakers that I can listen to and download for later. http://www.elmoware.com/dld_fram.htm -The cappucino and slice of pie I had for breakfast -My sponsor, who I was able to share honestly with yesterday about my most recent disappointments. I'm grateful that there is ONE person that I can share everything with and she won't judge me, or question my motives. -Michael, for being a normal guy this past week, even with all the BS and that he's sober today; -the people in my Saturday morning meeting who laugh when I share and make me realize that my problems are not so dramatic and serious.
-that my mom just called and said she had alot of leftover food from last night, so I can come over and get some. Thanks mom.
Saturday, October 22, 2005
some things are for me...
I have a new love for cappucino. I'm hooked on it, and of course in typical "me" fashion, it's not the Starbucks kind, just the kind from AM/PM is good enough for me. I cannot afford or justify a $1.50 drink every morning when I can have a cup of coffee at home, or even Starbucks brand coffee at the office- but maybe three times a week, I will get a cappucino. Yesterday I bought a can of cappucino mix from the store. It was about $5.50. It will probably make about 10-12 cappucino's. Last night I made one for me and one for Michael. Then he made himself another one. (I warned him about the caffiene level, but he didn't believe me.)
This morning I asked him if he'd like a cup of coffee. He asked if I could make him a cappucino. Ugh!! I said no, I just bought the can- I don't want to go through it so fast. We have coffee, and flavored creamer. He would probably want 2, and then later tonight, 2 more. And the mix is gone before I know it!!! What is that?? I mean, why does he feel he's entitled to just have and have and have.... I'm glad I said no. I bought it for ME. I don't mind us both having a cup but I'm not going to let him just drink it at the same rate he drinks everything ELSE. I really ENJOY my cappucino, I love the taste. I'm not going to let him just suck it down- just for the sake of doing it. I'm annoyed that he even asked. It's mine. I enjoy so few things. I don't buy alot of things for myself. Coffee is so much more cost effective. It tastes fine. It gives the same general caffiene effect.
I'm not going to make a deal of this. I said no, he dropped it. I guess it's over. He can't just drink all the cappucino. Period. It's for me. Some things can be for me... that's ok. I don't have eto feel guilty about it, although I sort of do. I think that is why I'm so bothered, cause I don't want him to drink it all- but I feel quilty for saying no. Well, I am going to have to get over that. It's not as if I am so greedy and don't share things. Remember the pie?? He's not going to just restrain himself and be thoughtful about it. It's ok for me to want some things for myself. I know it is. I will just learn to live with this guilt.
This morning I asked him if he'd like a cup of coffee. He asked if I could make him a cappucino. Ugh!! I said no, I just bought the can- I don't want to go through it so fast. We have coffee, and flavored creamer. He would probably want 2, and then later tonight, 2 more. And the mix is gone before I know it!!! What is that?? I mean, why does he feel he's entitled to just have and have and have.... I'm glad I said no. I bought it for ME. I don't mind us both having a cup but I'm not going to let him just drink it at the same rate he drinks everything ELSE. I really ENJOY my cappucino, I love the taste. I'm not going to let him just suck it down- just for the sake of doing it. I'm annoyed that he even asked. It's mine. I enjoy so few things. I don't buy alot of things for myself. Coffee is so much more cost effective. It tastes fine. It gives the same general caffiene effect.
I'm not going to make a deal of this. I said no, he dropped it. I guess it's over. He can't just drink all the cappucino. Period. It's for me. Some things can be for me... that's ok. I don't have eto feel guilty about it, although I sort of do. I think that is why I'm so bothered, cause I don't want him to drink it all- but I feel quilty for saying no. Well, I am going to have to get over that. It's not as if I am so greedy and don't share things. Remember the pie?? He's not going to just restrain himself and be thoughtful about it. It's ok for me to want some things for myself. I know it is. I will just learn to live with this guilt.
Friday, October 21, 2005
enought is never enough
I find myself again frustrated and angry over unacceptable behavior from Michael. I SAY it's unacceptable, but yet here I am, accepting it. What is the alternative? I tell him to leave, divorce him. I suffer just as much. Nothing is so easy that a divorce will fix all the problems. Maybe I'm some sort of a masochist, that I just can't live without the pain.
Yesterday Alex was explaining to me that his friend chases his and tackles him down. This friend got in trouble for punching a girl yesterday. Alex was also brought to the principles office because they thought that he saw what happened. I asked Alex why he wanted to be friends with someone who was chasing him and tackling him. Why do you want to associate with people who behave in such unacceptable ways? He asked me if I wanted him to stop being friends with him?- I told him that he can make his own decisions, but he should think about it- if these are really the people you want to call your friends. As I was saying it, I realized what I fraud I am. How can I set a good example and teach him that you should be treated better- that unacceptable behavior is just that, and that we have rights to set boundaries and tell people, no, you can't treat me that way- when I barely do any of those things??
I looked in my ODAT book under frustration, anger, boundaries...nothing seems to bring any calm to my mind. So I can turn my thoughts to my Higher Power today, and let my feelings go- cause I don't know what to do about them.
Yesterday Alex was explaining to me that his friend chases his and tackles him down. This friend got in trouble for punching a girl yesterday. Alex was also brought to the principles office because they thought that he saw what happened. I asked Alex why he wanted to be friends with someone who was chasing him and tackling him. Why do you want to associate with people who behave in such unacceptable ways? He asked me if I wanted him to stop being friends with him?- I told him that he can make his own decisions, but he should think about it- if these are really the people you want to call your friends. As I was saying it, I realized what I fraud I am. How can I set a good example and teach him that you should be treated better- that unacceptable behavior is just that, and that we have rights to set boundaries and tell people, no, you can't treat me that way- when I barely do any of those things??
I looked in my ODAT book under frustration, anger, boundaries...nothing seems to bring any calm to my mind. So I can turn my thoughts to my Higher Power today, and let my feelings go- cause I don't know what to do about them.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
no pie...
Today I sent Michael a text message and asked him to save me a piece of pie. There was a half a chocolate satin pie left, as we finished the key lime pie yesterday. So after class he tells me that we need some things at the grocery store- soda, juice, dish soap- oh and can you pick up another pie?
WHAT!!! Apparently he did not save me a piece of pie, and now wants ME to go get another one. Why?- so I can have one or two pieces and he can polish off the rest before I get home from work tomorrow??? Uh, no. I'm mad about the pie. Why couldn't he save me a piece??? It's not as if there was just one piece left and I asked for it- there was half a pie when we went to bed last night. I drives me crazy that he does not think of me like that. It's as if everything in this house is for HIM- and the rest of us get what HE decides to leave for us. It pisses me off. I paid for the freakin pie, I ASKED him this morning to save me a piece. Why wouldn't he just think to save me the last piece if he's had two already. Doesn't it occur to him?? I would not eat the last piece unless it was intended for me to begin with. Selfish selfish selfish.....
I guess no matter how well we get along, he still can be really self involved and only thinking of himself.
I know it's not really THAT important, God knows I don't NEED more pie- but it bothers me. It's what it represents. It makes me resentful and now I don't want to buy another one- cause he's going to just eat it, and if he eats ONE more piece than I get, I will be pissed. Is this my fault?? I mean, I'm so frustrated- should I BE this angry that I now have resentments over pie???
So the opposite action of resentment is forgiveness- ugh. I am pissed, how am I supposed to forgive if I'm mad??
Gratitude list:
-The pies are onlt $5.99 and I will be getting one this weekend for my brothers party, so I can have a slice then, cause he won't be GOING to my brothers party.
-I got a new computer at work, which is faster than the one I had before. And the guy who set up my computer is kinda cute so that was nice to talk with him.
-Tomorrow is payday so my check will get deposited tonight, before the check for my ticket clears, phew, close one- too close.
-I was able to mail a check to my babysitter today. I am so grateful that she works with me, and allows me to write her a check once a month. The kids like her and I am so comfortable with her caring for the boys.
-I got two new Avon customers this week. The extra sales will help me put food in the house next month.
-Gabriel was happy to see me when I got home, and Danny was still awake so I got to give him kisses before he fell asleep. I think the first social thing that babies learn is how to give (or at least) accept kisses from thier mommies.
Yeah, I'm bothered about the pie- but in the grand scheme of things, it's not the most important thing to remember about today... "How important is it?" We have been getting along so well, I hope I can keep my focus on what's really important and what is ultimately, just a piece of pie.
WHAT!!! Apparently he did not save me a piece of pie, and now wants ME to go get another one. Why?- so I can have one or two pieces and he can polish off the rest before I get home from work tomorrow??? Uh, no. I'm mad about the pie. Why couldn't he save me a piece??? It's not as if there was just one piece left and I asked for it- there was half a pie when we went to bed last night. I drives me crazy that he does not think of me like that. It's as if everything in this house is for HIM- and the rest of us get what HE decides to leave for us. It pisses me off. I paid for the freakin pie, I ASKED him this morning to save me a piece. Why wouldn't he just think to save me the last piece if he's had two already. Doesn't it occur to him?? I would not eat the last piece unless it was intended for me to begin with. Selfish selfish selfish.....
I guess no matter how well we get along, he still can be really self involved and only thinking of himself.
I know it's not really THAT important, God knows I don't NEED more pie- but it bothers me. It's what it represents. It makes me resentful and now I don't want to buy another one- cause he's going to just eat it, and if he eats ONE more piece than I get, I will be pissed. Is this my fault?? I mean, I'm so frustrated- should I BE this angry that I now have resentments over pie???
So the opposite action of resentment is forgiveness- ugh. I am pissed, how am I supposed to forgive if I'm mad??
Gratitude list:
-The pies are onlt $5.99 and I will be getting one this weekend for my brothers party, so I can have a slice then, cause he won't be GOING to my brothers party.
-I got a new computer at work, which is faster than the one I had before. And the guy who set up my computer is kinda cute so that was nice to talk with him.
-Tomorrow is payday so my check will get deposited tonight, before the check for my ticket clears, phew, close one- too close.
-I was able to mail a check to my babysitter today. I am so grateful that she works with me, and allows me to write her a check once a month. The kids like her and I am so comfortable with her caring for the boys.
-I got two new Avon customers this week. The extra sales will help me put food in the house next month.
-Gabriel was happy to see me when I got home, and Danny was still awake so I got to give him kisses before he fell asleep. I think the first social thing that babies learn is how to give (or at least) accept kisses from thier mommies.
Yeah, I'm bothered about the pie- but in the grand scheme of things, it's not the most important thing to remember about today... "How important is it?" We have been getting along so well, I hope I can keep my focus on what's really important and what is ultimately, just a piece of pie.
Monday, October 17, 2005
California Dreamin
The weather is so gloomy today- it doesn't feel like California at all, but I love it when it's a little chilly. The weekend turned out to be pretty good. The fund raiser was fun- I met some people, I danced to some Frank Sinatra and had a pretty good time. It was really nice to see some of the alcoholic counterparts of the ladies that I meet in my meetings. Couples who have survived this awful disease. I came home feeling emotionally exhausted and started the conversation with the dreaded question..."Do you even WANT to be married to me anymore??" I really didn't know the answer and I was oddly relieved when he said yes. I was honest with him, that I really want to stay- but I feel myself pulling away from this relationship. I can't stop it. It gets harder every time he has these depressive states. I told him I was lonely, and I have emotional needs, you know? I'm married- I'm NOT single. We're NOT room mates. I realize that he is going through something, but I at least wish we could be NICE to each other. I don't think that wanting love and affection from my husband should be like going to the hardware store for bread. It makes me so frustrated when I'm told that I my friends in program understand and support me, he can't, he won't. That doesn't fly well for me. I can't live like that. It's so unfair. I don't expect him to do cartwheels and throw me a party if I have a good day or accomplish something like a good grade on a test, but I think that my husband should at least be polite to me- be nice, encouraging, say a few kind words like, "good job honey" every once in a while.
It's only when he and I really start talking about our relationship that it comes clear to me how much I DO love him, and how much I don't want to walk out. Usually when we are talking honestly- and not yelling, I feel open and trust to tell him what is really in my heart, even if it's not good. And in the conversation, it feels like we sparked something, at least the knowledge of a common desire to stay together, which is more information than either of us had the day before.
Today I was working the questions in Paths to Recovery on Step Three and one of the questions was what can I do to Let Go and Let God when someone I love is making a decision I don't agree with. This was a question that reminded me so much of every on of Michael's bad days. What do I do to work the third step when he is bugging me. And today the answer is to pray, to put it in my God Box, to write- to detach. Let it go. I always take it personal. I always allow his depression to hurt me, as if he's TRYING to hurt my feelings, but I know he isn't. His disease, and his recovery is not about me. The same way that my recovery is not about him.
Today I only have to be married one day at a time. I don't have to think about the rest of my life... being in THIS marriage for the rest of my life. Who knows what it will be like tomorrow, or the next day, but I don't have to think about later- today. I can just focus on today- and today I'm grateful to have him around.
Gratitude list:
That I got to hold my friend's new baby, Pacey today- and even though it made me ache inside, I am grateful that my boys are not little babies anymore.
That Michael got me a capuccino for me this morning, before I even woke up- it was a really thoughtful gesture
My mom
Marie Calendar's $5.99 pies
Ok- so not much of a list, but I'm tired....
It's only when he and I really start talking about our relationship that it comes clear to me how much I DO love him, and how much I don't want to walk out. Usually when we are talking honestly- and not yelling, I feel open and trust to tell him what is really in my heart, even if it's not good. And in the conversation, it feels like we sparked something, at least the knowledge of a common desire to stay together, which is more information than either of us had the day before.
Today I was working the questions in Paths to Recovery on Step Three and one of the questions was what can I do to Let Go and Let God when someone I love is making a decision I don't agree with. This was a question that reminded me so much of every on of Michael's bad days. What do I do to work the third step when he is bugging me. And today the answer is to pray, to put it in my God Box, to write- to detach. Let it go. I always take it personal. I always allow his depression to hurt me, as if he's TRYING to hurt my feelings, but I know he isn't. His disease, and his recovery is not about me. The same way that my recovery is not about him.
Today I only have to be married one day at a time. I don't have to think about the rest of my life... being in THIS marriage for the rest of my life. Who knows what it will be like tomorrow, or the next day, but I don't have to think about later- today. I can just focus on today- and today I'm grateful to have him around.
Gratitude list:
That I got to hold my friend's new baby, Pacey today- and even though it made me ache inside, I am grateful that my boys are not little babies anymore.
That Michael got me a capuccino for me this morning, before I even woke up- it was a really thoughtful gesture
My mom
Marie Calendar's $5.99 pies
Ok- so not much of a list, but I'm tired....
Saturday, October 15, 2005
not a great day
He has been down and depressed since Sunday- and so when he snaps out of it, I am always MORE apprehensive than when he's depressed. I am better able to handle his depression- because I know what to expect. It's when he's feeling up that makes me anxious. I don't know what to expect. He acts as if things are ok between us and as if we have not spent the last week plotting the other persons demise. And then days like today- we just play nice. Each time, it takes a little bit more out of me- when he just comes around and acts all nice to me- like we are this normal married couple. He's understanding and supporting of me being out tonight until 11 at the fundraiser. Maybe it makes me apprehensive because I don't even want to have hope that things might some day get better for us. I'm always disappointed when he goes back into his depression- and he always does. He may be better today- but I suspect my Monday it will be back to normal. Funny how that feels normal to me. I guess I'm just sad today.
I have to just let go of all those feelings of anxiety. Give them over to God and forget about it. I just have to take care of myself. I don't even want to go tonight to this fundraiser, but I made a commitment and I have to keep it. I know that I will be uncomfortable and feel out of place- I always do. Yesterday when we were putting the baskets together, I felt out of place. They didn't really need me, or ask my opinion on anything. I am ok when it's just my sponsor and me, but when other people are around- I feel like a little kid. Maybe it's because even at 33, I'm younger that most of the people in that group. I am new to service, I'm generally pretty new to program (even though I've been coming and going since 1999). I just don't feel like I fit. But I know I have to go. Take some direction and just go and complete my commitment. After tonight, it's over. I will think again about getting involed in service at this level. I felt uncomfortable at every planning meeting- like I didn't belong there. I am just feeling less than...and inferior to... I know that is just me though- because I know that people do not think that about me. I know that people do not dismiss me as someone who is unimportant. It's just me and my own crap again. I should have gone to a meeting today. I guess I will go tomorrow.
I know these feelings are not real. I know they are 99% hormonal. Ed says that feelings are not facts, and faith is a commitment. So I need to stay in my commitments and forget about how I feel. I know that- today I just don't much feel like doing it. I feel like just going to bed and staying there- shutting off the kids and Michael, and shutting off God and ignoring what I know. But I know that is no good. I can't do it. My concept of misery has been ruined by this program- because now I can only blame myself for it. I guess I should be grateful for that. (laughing).
I have to just let go of all those feelings of anxiety. Give them over to God and forget about it. I just have to take care of myself. I don't even want to go tonight to this fundraiser, but I made a commitment and I have to keep it. I know that I will be uncomfortable and feel out of place- I always do. Yesterday when we were putting the baskets together, I felt out of place. They didn't really need me, or ask my opinion on anything. I am ok when it's just my sponsor and me, but when other people are around- I feel like a little kid. Maybe it's because even at 33, I'm younger that most of the people in that group. I am new to service, I'm generally pretty new to program (even though I've been coming and going since 1999). I just don't feel like I fit. But I know I have to go. Take some direction and just go and complete my commitment. After tonight, it's over. I will think again about getting involed in service at this level. I felt uncomfortable at every planning meeting- like I didn't belong there. I am just feeling less than...and inferior to... I know that is just me though- because I know that people do not think that about me. I know that people do not dismiss me as someone who is unimportant. It's just me and my own crap again. I should have gone to a meeting today. I guess I will go tomorrow.
I know these feelings are not real. I know they are 99% hormonal. Ed says that feelings are not facts, and faith is a commitment. So I need to stay in my commitments and forget about how I feel. I know that- today I just don't much feel like doing it. I feel like just going to bed and staying there- shutting off the kids and Michael, and shutting off God and ignoring what I know. But I know that is no good. I can't do it. My concept of misery has been ruined by this program- because now I can only blame myself for it. I guess I should be grateful for that. (laughing).
Friday, October 14, 2005
so don't you bring me down today
I heard Christina Aguilera's 'Beautiful' on the radio this morning, and while on bad days I tend to relate to that song more than I care to admit- in general it's a really good message and I love that line, "don't you bring me down today." Kind of like, you know?- back off!!
Very appropriate for the evening I had. I saw my doctor for the chest pains I have been having and the EKG showed nothing abnormal which did not suprise me, but the doctor suggested that I am probably taking too many classes, with the kids and all my husbands issues. He said that he was glad that I was still going to AlAnon but chances are the chest pains are probably more stress and anxiety than anything else. Get some exercise, get some rest- same old deal, which did not suprise me. After the appointment, dear hubby called and wanted to fight with me about whatever he could think of. I did not tell him I had the Dr. appointment so maybe I wasn't at a Dr. appointment after all- I did not give him very much advance notice on my midterm (for an online class so it only meets for exams) so maybe I didn't REALLY have a test. He accused me of having so many commitments that I don't consider his schedule. Yeah sure, I have ONE commitment which is this Casino Night Fund raiser for the 2006 OC AA Convention- which is over on Saturday. I go to two meetings a week. I'm sorry I don't consier my JOB or even school a commitment that I take to get me out of the house- I call that work and an education (both of which have been the sole support of this family for the last two years AT LEAST). He accused me of screwing around, he accused me of lying to him. He said that he hasn't been able to take care of his medical problems because I have been so busy that he can't take care of himself. I calmly told him that he can blame me for whatever he wants to- but I'm not takin it. In two weeks I never shoved the candy down his throat, never forced him to drink a gallon of juice or milk of whatever. Never stopped him from taking his blood sugar, or his insulin shots. I simply kept living my life and did the same things that I have been doing every night for the few months. Going to work, going to school, going to meetings. He told me that I said I wanted these kids but I don't want to take care of them.
What I WANTED to tell him what to go straight to hell and how dare he accuse me of that. Working and going to school (which my AA degree was a big factor in me getting my new job) benefits the kids and while I am NOT home as often as I'd like to be- I have to work, I have to go to school and if I don't go to meetings, well- lets not go there. What I did say to him was, 'well I totally disagree with you'. He said that we need to talk about our situation (cause there is so much left to say??). I told him that maybe he should wait until he's calmed down, and he can decide later if he wants to talk. I told him that there's nothing to really talk about, neither of us are ready to make any big changes- and I told him that I accept the fact that the first year of sobriety is not supposed to be fun. He looked at me kind of suprised, I'm not sure if he was suprised that I KNEW that- or i perhaps he had not considered that. I know how unhappy he is. He cant live and he can't die. I feel for him, I really do. I love him, and I accept that he's struggling with every aspect of his life. I am trying not to take it personally.
This morning he wanted to talk a little program with me. It's the only way he thinks he can get me to listen to him about the things that are troubling him, by throwing in "I dont know what God wants from me..." Perhaps he's right, conversations based around Program seem to be neutral ground (and thank God there is SOME neutral ground). But I didn't have time. I overslept and I needed to get off to work. I tried not to tell him what his problems were, and what to do about them. I reminded him to pray, to turn it over to God and let it go.
And today I have to do that to. Let it all go. All my anger and frustration about my marriage- all my fears and anxiety about his health (and his problems that are not mine) , and all the stress about my own busy schedule. My sister in law reminded me of a sign she has on her desk that says "This is God, I am going to take care of all your problems today. I don't need your help, so have a good day."
If I am willing to listen, I always hear what I need to hear. Thank you Teri!! Congrats on 5 years!!
Very appropriate for the evening I had. I saw my doctor for the chest pains I have been having and the EKG showed nothing abnormal which did not suprise me, but the doctor suggested that I am probably taking too many classes, with the kids and all my husbands issues. He said that he was glad that I was still going to AlAnon but chances are the chest pains are probably more stress and anxiety than anything else. Get some exercise, get some rest- same old deal, which did not suprise me. After the appointment, dear hubby called and wanted to fight with me about whatever he could think of. I did not tell him I had the Dr. appointment so maybe I wasn't at a Dr. appointment after all- I did not give him very much advance notice on my midterm (for an online class so it only meets for exams) so maybe I didn't REALLY have a test. He accused me of having so many commitments that I don't consider his schedule. Yeah sure, I have ONE commitment which is this Casino Night Fund raiser for the 2006 OC AA Convention- which is over on Saturday. I go to two meetings a week. I'm sorry I don't consier my JOB or even school a commitment that I take to get me out of the house- I call that work and an education (both of which have been the sole support of this family for the last two years AT LEAST). He accused me of screwing around, he accused me of lying to him. He said that he hasn't been able to take care of his medical problems because I have been so busy that he can't take care of himself. I calmly told him that he can blame me for whatever he wants to- but I'm not takin it. In two weeks I never shoved the candy down his throat, never forced him to drink a gallon of juice or milk of whatever. Never stopped him from taking his blood sugar, or his insulin shots. I simply kept living my life and did the same things that I have been doing every night for the few months. Going to work, going to school, going to meetings. He told me that I said I wanted these kids but I don't want to take care of them.
What I WANTED to tell him what to go straight to hell and how dare he accuse me of that. Working and going to school (which my AA degree was a big factor in me getting my new job) benefits the kids and while I am NOT home as often as I'd like to be- I have to work, I have to go to school and if I don't go to meetings, well- lets not go there. What I did say to him was, 'well I totally disagree with you'. He said that we need to talk about our situation (cause there is so much left to say??). I told him that maybe he should wait until he's calmed down, and he can decide later if he wants to talk. I told him that there's nothing to really talk about, neither of us are ready to make any big changes- and I told him that I accept the fact that the first year of sobriety is not supposed to be fun. He looked at me kind of suprised, I'm not sure if he was suprised that I KNEW that- or i perhaps he had not considered that. I know how unhappy he is. He cant live and he can't die. I feel for him, I really do. I love him, and I accept that he's struggling with every aspect of his life. I am trying not to take it personally.
This morning he wanted to talk a little program with me. It's the only way he thinks he can get me to listen to him about the things that are troubling him, by throwing in "I dont know what God wants from me..." Perhaps he's right, conversations based around Program seem to be neutral ground (and thank God there is SOME neutral ground). But I didn't have time. I overslept and I needed to get off to work. I tried not to tell him what his problems were, and what to do about them. I reminded him to pray, to turn it over to God and let it go.
And today I have to do that to. Let it all go. All my anger and frustration about my marriage- all my fears and anxiety about his health (and his problems that are not mine) , and all the stress about my own busy schedule. My sister in law reminded me of a sign she has on her desk that says "This is God, I am going to take care of all your problems today. I don't need your help, so have a good day."
If I am willing to listen, I always hear what I need to hear. Thank you Teri!! Congrats on 5 years!!
Sunday, October 09, 2005
gratitude list
I was able to go to my meeting where the topic was on gratitude. It kept me open all day to the idea of being grateful for the things I have. Tonight I got to visit with my mom and my sister and her husband and daughter. I am so amazed by Megan's progress- and it was good to see her happy and singing and reading. I know that my sister is so tired and she and her husband work so hard with her Autism. I am so proud of thier strength and determination to get her all the help she can get- and I wish there was more I can do for them. But tonight I was able to visit with her and my mom and we laughed and joked and shared stories and I know that she enjoyed that too.
Tonight Michael is very open to talking about Program, and I'm grateful that I have a program that I can share with him. There are days when he is open to talk, and it's nice to see that he really wants his life to change. That he really wants whatever it takes to balance out his sobriety, with his health issues. I know that his health issues leave him with so little energy, and the depression gets worse. He showed me a shirt that he picked up that has some scripture on the back. The lettering was faded and I could not tell where it was but I was able to make out that it was Isaiah: 40, 41. So I picked up my Bible, the one that he gave me back in 2001, shortly after he got out of Spencer, and I opened it right up to the page. Isaiah: 40,41. I told him that I opened right up to it, and he said, it's weird how that happens huh? It's like God is talking right to me. It gave me chills. Not alot of things do that.
"Those who hope in the Lord will renew thier strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; the will run and not grow weary, the will walk and not be faint."
Yes, I think that was a message of hope for me- and I guess for Michael too- it's his shirt after all. I'm grateful that today I am not filled with the anger that I tend to be. I'm grateful that Michael and I are getting along, even though this too shall pass (unfortunately I know this to be true).
I am grateful for:
my new jewelry, that I have a sponsor who I trust, for my sister, for my mom, for my brother Johnny who is struggling with his own marriage right now- but for the grace of God, as unsure as my marriage is- it's not THAT unsure, for my brother Rick who is going back to Iraq next month and who I pray God will watch over and keep safe, for my step-dad and his boat that my neice Megan waited for TWO weeks to go on with him, and that he gets to keep the little calander page my smart sister made for her, in which every day she put a sticker on it to mark how many days before she could go on the boat with her grandfather, I know that he will keep that little yellow peice of construction paper with the 14 spaces on it and all those stickers- forever, and I think that's awesome. I am grateful for my kids- Sarah, Alex, Gabriel and Daniel- that they love me and hug me and forgive me when I'm grumpy or tired or cranky, for thier giggles and thier belly laughs, I am grateful that I have a car, a job, and a place to live, food in the fridge, ice cream that I bought earlier today . I am grateful that I have a loving higher power that becomes more apparent to me with each passing day. I am grateful that I am not spinning my wheels anymore- that I am starting to have daily inspiration. I am grateful for the people in my meetings who love me despite my mistakes, for Pastor Ed for sharing his honesty with me, for the Alanon and AA tapes that I get to listen to and learn so much from, for the Bible that my husband gave me in 2001 when he got out of Spencer, for my sister in law who is taking her 5 year cake at a meeting later this week, for my friends Christine, Carrie, Keri, Joel, Lori and Sarah who I trust and who love me no matter how screwed up I am. And I am grateful for Michael. For all his faults, he loves me regardless of mine. He loves me and cares for the kids. He keeps the house clean, and he can cook a decent edible meal when I'm too tired to try to cook my own version of a decent edible meal. I am grateful that he gets the kids off to daycare and can get Alex off to school. He kills the spiders and does the heavy lifting. He holds me when I'm scared, even if we are not getting along. He has a disease, and tonight I can hate the disease and not the person. Right now, today, while I am typing up this list of gratitude, I can forgive him for not living up to my expectations- because he's not anymore or less perfect that I am.
Interesting how easy that is when I'm not trying so hard to figure it out on my own. Give it to God and let him give it back to me, a little neater and easier to read, I think I said. And it is. Today I can see forgiveness and the benefits of it. And I'm mostly grateful for that.
Tonight Michael is very open to talking about Program, and I'm grateful that I have a program that I can share with him. There are days when he is open to talk, and it's nice to see that he really wants his life to change. That he really wants whatever it takes to balance out his sobriety, with his health issues. I know that his health issues leave him with so little energy, and the depression gets worse. He showed me a shirt that he picked up that has some scripture on the back. The lettering was faded and I could not tell where it was but I was able to make out that it was Isaiah: 40, 41. So I picked up my Bible, the one that he gave me back in 2001, shortly after he got out of Spencer, and I opened it right up to the page. Isaiah: 40,41. I told him that I opened right up to it, and he said, it's weird how that happens huh? It's like God is talking right to me. It gave me chills. Not alot of things do that.
"Those who hope in the Lord will renew thier strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; the will run and not grow weary, the will walk and not be faint."
Yes, I think that was a message of hope for me- and I guess for Michael too- it's his shirt after all. I'm grateful that today I am not filled with the anger that I tend to be. I'm grateful that Michael and I are getting along, even though this too shall pass (unfortunately I know this to be true).
I am grateful for:
my new jewelry, that I have a sponsor who I trust, for my sister, for my mom, for my brother Johnny who is struggling with his own marriage right now- but for the grace of God, as unsure as my marriage is- it's not THAT unsure, for my brother Rick who is going back to Iraq next month and who I pray God will watch over and keep safe, for my step-dad and his boat that my neice Megan waited for TWO weeks to go on with him, and that he gets to keep the little calander page my smart sister made for her, in which every day she put a sticker on it to mark how many days before she could go on the boat with her grandfather, I know that he will keep that little yellow peice of construction paper with the 14 spaces on it and all those stickers- forever, and I think that's awesome. I am grateful for my kids- Sarah, Alex, Gabriel and Daniel- that they love me and hug me and forgive me when I'm grumpy or tired or cranky, for thier giggles and thier belly laughs, I am grateful that I have a car, a job, and a place to live, food in the fridge, ice cream that I bought earlier today . I am grateful that I have a loving higher power that becomes more apparent to me with each passing day. I am grateful that I am not spinning my wheels anymore- that I am starting to have daily inspiration. I am grateful for the people in my meetings who love me despite my mistakes, for Pastor Ed for sharing his honesty with me, for the Alanon and AA tapes that I get to listen to and learn so much from, for the Bible that my husband gave me in 2001 when he got out of Spencer, for my sister in law who is taking her 5 year cake at a meeting later this week, for my friends Christine, Carrie, Keri, Joel, Lori and Sarah who I trust and who love me no matter how screwed up I am. And I am grateful for Michael. For all his faults, he loves me regardless of mine. He loves me and cares for the kids. He keeps the house clean, and he can cook a decent edible meal when I'm too tired to try to cook my own version of a decent edible meal. I am grateful that he gets the kids off to daycare and can get Alex off to school. He kills the spiders and does the heavy lifting. He holds me when I'm scared, even if we are not getting along. He has a disease, and tonight I can hate the disease and not the person. Right now, today, while I am typing up this list of gratitude, I can forgive him for not living up to my expectations- because he's not anymore or less perfect that I am.
Interesting how easy that is when I'm not trying so hard to figure it out on my own. Give it to God and let him give it back to me, a little neater and easier to read, I think I said. And it is. Today I can see forgiveness and the benefits of it. And I'm mostly grateful for that.
Friday, October 07, 2005
something nice for me
I had a good day today. I treated myself to some new Cookie Lee jewelry. I don't usually spend alot of money on things for myself, especially something frivolous like jewelry- but I think that I deserve to do something nice for myself.
I went to my meeting on Thursday night, but it was not a good meeting. I am thinking that the Thursday night meeting is not for me. I don't really feel at home there anymore and I don't feel like I relate to the people there. The last two or three meetings there I have felt unsettled. It's one of the week day meetings that I can get to- but I am sure I can find a different Thursday meeting. On Sunday I went to a brand new meeting in Los Alamitos and I liked it. I'm not afraid to go to new meetings anymore. I'm not afraid to meet new people.
After the meeting I stayed and chatted with some of the ladies and the congratulated me for getting into service. I feel like being of service makes me belong there. Even after last weekend, I know that I still belong in this program. They will not kick me out for making a mistake, or doing what I feel is best for me. The one lady I was talking to said that there are no mistakes if you truly feel like you are doing what you need to do at the time. I don't know if I believe that, exactly, but I was glad that she said it.
I should find out about the job interview on Monday. I have to simply give it to God and not fret over it. It's out of my hands now. The lady has had the interview with the other applicant already, so she will simply make up her mind and I will either be her choice or not her choice. IT would be such a good position and really a way for me to be of service in my job. Doing something that means something- imagine it!!! I'd like to be excited about going to work every day and being a part of something. I hope that working my program and trying to live right will mean good things for me.
I heard an AA speaker say pray like it all depends on God and work like it all depends on you. I have to let God pave my way and trust that the decision will be the right one for me for now.
I went to my meeting on Thursday night, but it was not a good meeting. I am thinking that the Thursday night meeting is not for me. I don't really feel at home there anymore and I don't feel like I relate to the people there. The last two or three meetings there I have felt unsettled. It's one of the week day meetings that I can get to- but I am sure I can find a different Thursday meeting. On Sunday I went to a brand new meeting in Los Alamitos and I liked it. I'm not afraid to go to new meetings anymore. I'm not afraid to meet new people.
After the meeting I stayed and chatted with some of the ladies and the congratulated me for getting into service. I feel like being of service makes me belong there. Even after last weekend, I know that I still belong in this program. They will not kick me out for making a mistake, or doing what I feel is best for me. The one lady I was talking to said that there are no mistakes if you truly feel like you are doing what you need to do at the time. I don't know if I believe that, exactly, but I was glad that she said it.
I should find out about the job interview on Monday. I have to simply give it to God and not fret over it. It's out of my hands now. The lady has had the interview with the other applicant already, so she will simply make up her mind and I will either be her choice or not her choice. IT would be such a good position and really a way for me to be of service in my job. Doing something that means something- imagine it!!! I'd like to be excited about going to work every day and being a part of something. I hope that working my program and trying to live right will mean good things for me.
I heard an AA speaker say pray like it all depends on God and work like it all depends on you. I have to let God pave my way and trust that the decision will be the right one for me for now.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
It may be true, but I don't have to like it
I'm feeling overwhelmed. I have a paper to write that is due tomorrow and I have barely started it. It's going to be a long night, I can tell.
I feel myself starting to stress out about money again and how I'm going to pay this bill and that bill. Michael wants to sell his car, but that is a ridiculous plan. We need a car to move these kids back and forth to day care etc. and I think taking the boys OUT of day care should be the first step. For now I am going to pray that the path will narrow. That things will work out. I am trying not to place blame and be judgemental. I am trying to keep my mouth shut and keep my side of the street clean because it would be very easy for me to lose my cool and say all sorts of mean things that will not be helpful at all.
On Monday I didn't post because the microwave shorted out the power mid-typing. I got so angry and filled with rage on Monday. Michael baited me into a conversation I was not ready to have and he made a comment that I didn't like and I responded back. It began a barrage of all the things that I am doing wrong and although I did not really say too much in response I was so angry and felt very very alone. I know that my decisions have caused my unhappiness in this situation and I have only myself to blame. Well meaning friends and even program people reminding me that these are the consequences of my choicesm does not make me feel better. I KNOW. Do what I always do and get what I always get. I know. But I am allowed to be angry about it.
A friend of mine suggested that there must be a payoff for me to stay in this sick situation. I resented him saying so, but it made me think. Yes, there is a payoff. He is here to help me with the kids. I do not want to raise these kids on my own. More often than not he is a good dad. There are good things about him, he is not all bad- nobody is. The marriage is unhappy, but he's still here to help with the kids. I can think of alot of reasons, both ways- but in the end I'm not brave enough to make the serious changes that would be necessary to improve my situation- and also face the reprocussions of making those changes. My sponsor says that my path will narrow. I hope that she's right.
I feel myself starting to stress out about money again and how I'm going to pay this bill and that bill. Michael wants to sell his car, but that is a ridiculous plan. We need a car to move these kids back and forth to day care etc. and I think taking the boys OUT of day care should be the first step. For now I am going to pray that the path will narrow. That things will work out. I am trying not to place blame and be judgemental. I am trying to keep my mouth shut and keep my side of the street clean because it would be very easy for me to lose my cool and say all sorts of mean things that will not be helpful at all.
On Monday I didn't post because the microwave shorted out the power mid-typing. I got so angry and filled with rage on Monday. Michael baited me into a conversation I was not ready to have and he made a comment that I didn't like and I responded back. It began a barrage of all the things that I am doing wrong and although I did not really say too much in response I was so angry and felt very very alone. I know that my decisions have caused my unhappiness in this situation and I have only myself to blame. Well meaning friends and even program people reminding me that these are the consequences of my choicesm does not make me feel better. I KNOW. Do what I always do and get what I always get. I know. But I am allowed to be angry about it.
A friend of mine suggested that there must be a payoff for me to stay in this sick situation. I resented him saying so, but it made me think. Yes, there is a payoff. He is here to help me with the kids. I do not want to raise these kids on my own. More often than not he is a good dad. There are good things about him, he is not all bad- nobody is. The marriage is unhappy, but he's still here to help with the kids. I can think of alot of reasons, both ways- but in the end I'm not brave enough to make the serious changes that would be necessary to improve my situation- and also face the reprocussions of making those changes. My sponsor says that my path will narrow. I hope that she's right.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
My first convention...
The convention was awesome. I was so glad I got to go. It was exciting to see so many people excited about reovery. There was one AA guy who was probably in his mid 20's and he talked about how he used to come to convention and spend alot of time looking around town and being out and around made him feel good- but that day, driving around town, passing the jail that he spent alot of time at before, being at the marathon meeting and sharing his experience made him feel good about being himself. I thought that was cool, and exciting to think that I can feel good about being me. I guess that is ways off. It made me sad that M did not have this experience. I wish so much that he would embrace the gifts of recovery. I know that I can't make him do it- but I can pray for him- and be a good example. Last night he was listening to an AA tape, I hope he will eventually hear something that touches his heart and opens his mind.
I got to receive a book because I was the newest member at a marathon meeting. I got up to the podium and said my name. That was all though- I was so emotional I knew had I opened my mouth I would have cried and never stopped. Friday night was such a horrible night- and Convention was a perfect anecdote for it. Perhaps my program is the anecdote for a horrible life... A girl from my group got up and shared about her anger regarding her son who was killed recently because of this disease. She was dressed so nice and is so beautiful and classy. But listening to her share her pain made me think about how brave she is. I could not even open my mouth to say that I was happy and grateful to be there, but she stood in front of us and shared about her sadness, fear and anger. I know she feels that she is not strong, but she really is. So much stronger than she knows.
I also got to spend time in the car talking with my sponsor. It was great. She has been so wonderful and supportive. She says that I am doing so well in this program- but I feel so far behind. After Friday I feel like I'm going to get kicked out of the Al-Anon for good and I know I have to share about that at a meeting to get it out of my head because it's a feeling and I know it's not a fact. The people that a talked to at Convention told me that my choices are not easy, but they are mine to make and mine to live with.
Today I need to be useful. Perhaps it will help me feel good about being me.
I got to receive a book because I was the newest member at a marathon meeting. I got up to the podium and said my name. That was all though- I was so emotional I knew had I opened my mouth I would have cried and never stopped. Friday night was such a horrible night- and Convention was a perfect anecdote for it. Perhaps my program is the anecdote for a horrible life... A girl from my group got up and shared about her anger regarding her son who was killed recently because of this disease. She was dressed so nice and is so beautiful and classy. But listening to her share her pain made me think about how brave she is. I could not even open my mouth to say that I was happy and grateful to be there, but she stood in front of us and shared about her sadness, fear and anger. I know she feels that she is not strong, but she really is. So much stronger than she knows.
I also got to spend time in the car talking with my sponsor. It was great. She has been so wonderful and supportive. She says that I am doing so well in this program- but I feel so far behind. After Friday I feel like I'm going to get kicked out of the Al-Anon for good and I know I have to share about that at a meeting to get it out of my head because it's a feeling and I know it's not a fact. The people that a talked to at Convention told me that my choices are not easy, but they are mine to make and mine to live with.
Today I need to be useful. Perhaps it will help me feel good about being me.
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