stop talking...stop talking NOW!

I should just go to bed. It's 10:30 and I am tired enough to crawl in bed and fall asleep for at least 6 hours. But I just don't feel like going to bed. I feel like writing, so here I am. I should just be writing that damn paper for my Theater class is what I should be doing. I'm so screwed this semester. I hate to say that I almost don't care. I have already been accepted at CSULB and these classes are just non needed electives (except Bio) that I took so I could get my financial aid. So it's not as if anyone would care if I dropped the other three. But I'm not going to- I can't just QUIT.
I'm trying to think of a good memory. A really good one that I can just write about, just for the exercise of writing about something happy. It's about time I try THAT for a change. I'm obsessed with writing these days, and reading what other people write and thinking about how THEY write that makes it interesting to me, or other people. If I get to wordy and try to sound like I have this really big vocabulary, the people who know me will know that I'm full of shit. I talk alot, but I don't have a big impressive vocabulary. A friend of mine is always using these words that I have heard before, but I am not exactly sure what they mean. I feel too stupid to ask him...what the hell are you saying? Speak "stupid girl-English" please. I can't think of a really good memory. I have been having all these flashback memories of times from when I was like 18-20. Those were better times. It was all about having fun and partying, back when I worked at the Wherehouse in Anaheim. After work on the weekends we would go out for coffee I guess and hang out until some unknown hour. I think it was coffee. I don't remember if I even drank coffee back then. We'd go somewhere and hang out. Denny's? Where the hell DID WE GO? I just know that there are a few people who I met there who I still know today and I adore. You know who you are. If you can tell me where we went after work, I'd like to remember... maybe that's a good memory I can write about. I remember one night after work, just me and Trever went out after work. We had donuts instead. Mistake number 1. NEVER STRAY FROM THE USUAL ROUTINE.

Things like this

Last night I was in bed and Michael asked me if I minded if he gave our neighbor a ride to work this morning. I was half asleep and I said fine, just make sure you get back in time for me to get to work. So here I am, ready to leave for work, 5 minutes behind, and he's NOT BACK YET. He called and said he was 5 minutes away, which I know means 10.
Why is doing something for someone else more important to him than making sure that I leave for work on time? He was up in time to be there and back. He could have told our neighbor, we have to leave a little early because my wife has someplace she needs to be.
Never a priority. I am never a priority to him. Something I won't miss.

My actions

"A drinking problem in the home can often be more easily recognized by the wife's behavior than that of the drinker"
Man, how true is that?? I remember for years, back when he was still drinking, I was so emotionally out of control that anyone could tell that there was something 'wrong' with me. I used to break out in hives, right around the end of my work day. I would cry at the office all the time. I was a mess. All the while, nobody really seemed to notice that there was anything wrong with him.
I remember one particular Thanksgiving, he showed up absolutely loaded. I did everything I could to try to keep him quiet. To occupy his time and keep him from embarassing me. I was told later that everyone thought I was being so bitchy to him that night. Nobody remembers that he was acting strangely. They just remember that I was acting weird. I think in the voting pool, I'm the one who comes out looking crazy. He was just an addict, he acted pretty much the way that addicts acted- no suprise there. But you never knew with me, what kind of a mood I was going to be in. Alex still asks me on the way home from work, quite often, "Is dad in a good mood?" It makes me feel guilty and I try to just be honest with him. I wonder how often he would ask the same thing about my mood if he thought I would not get mad.
I am trying to be a little more predictable lately. Trying to be consistent in my behvaior and my actions. Trying to leave the bad feelings somewhere else and show the boys that mom can be 'happy, joyous and free.' I think I sent mixed messages to the kids. Love your dad while I hate him. Be in a good mood because the rest of us are miserable and not in the mood. My kids' skin is not as thick as mine. But I am trying to be good for them. For all of us. I am less miserable these days. I'm feeling hopeful and confident. About MY life, not about my marriage. I have given up hope that this marriage is going to miraculous cure itself. I remember a saying "Love conquers all, or it isn't really love." Yeah, that's bullshit.

Perspective

Today's C2C says, "I can be proud of the fact that I am a survivor. I have been brought through many struggles in order to be exactly where I am today. Today I know that I am more than my troubles. I am a human being with dignity. I have a wealth of experience that I can put to use by sharing it with those who are going through similar difficulties. I needn't fear the challenges of the future, because I know that today, with the guidance of my Higher Power and with the strength and knowledge I have gained from Al-Anon, I am capable of facing anything life brings me. Though I once viewed my life as a tragedy, I know have a different perspective on those experiences. I know that I am a stronger person as a result of what I've been through."
These words are a comfort to me today. I know that I have alot of things coming up in my life. Alot of changes, alot of new challenges that I will have to face without a partner (or at least the idea that I have one who may or may not be happy and supportive). Alot of people tell me that they are impressed by how I have managed to make it through all this crap with Michael- while going to school, working and taking care of the kids. Honestly I do it by focusing on just one thing at a time, which means that when one thing needs extra attention, the other things get less attention. It's not the most efficient way to do it, but what else can I do. But mediocrity aside, I guess what it means really, is that I HAVE managed to keep these kids alive and mostly happy, I got my Associates degree and accepted at Cal State Long Beach, and I did manage to work full time and even get a few nods for a good job- all while living with a husband who has addiction problems, health problems and mental health issues. So what does that mean?
That means that he is NOT my higher power. He is NOT what I spend all my time thinking about. He has NOT ruined my life. Perhaps he did not make it smooth sailing...no. Perhaps he wasn't on board, and he was extra weight- but I did not let him sink me. I am not just the sum of all my troubles. I am not defined by my situation. At least I don't have to be. It's nice to know that today. I am more than just the wife of an addict and all that goes along with that.
There are people, people who love me, that see in me everything EXCEPT the fact that I am the wife of an addict.

secrets

I saw this on www.postsecret.com.
Ouch.
I hope it does not ruin her.

Lost in a crowded room

I had written a different post but I deleted it because it just doesn't sound like me. I don't want to be spewing out negativity. It doesn't make me feel good. I'm just feeling quiet today, a little lost. Sad. And that's ok today. I can be sad without projecting it on to other people. It's ok.

frustration, sadness and anger....

The C2C book says "By my presence in Al-Anon, I have committed myself to breaking these unhealthy patterns. As I continue to attend meetings, I begin to heal, to find sanity and peace, and to feel much better about myself. I am no longer playing my old role in the alcoholic system."
Sometimes I wonder if I really am committed to breaking unhealthy patterns. And if I'm not, should I still go to meetings? Can I sit with these people in recovery and 'fake it'- if I'm not feeling it. I feel like I'm being pulled away from my program, and it's concerning me. Pulled away because I just don't WANT to do it. I just don't WANT to take responsibility for every move I make, ever thought I have. Sometimes I really just WANT to do what I want to do for ME- regardless of if it's the best thing to do. I feel as if I have to think, meditate and pray on every decision I make. Every time I get angry I have to examine the source. Every time I'm sad I have to write about it. I don't know. I know the program offers tools that will help me cope with the alcoholic situtaion. I know that these tools are useful in my everyday life. I needn't just relate them to the alcoholic situation.
I can't walk away from the program, I can already hear my sponsors voice, "oh, are you all better now?". Yeah, I know I'm not. I have a long way to go in the program. But I am just not ready yet. I think I am not ready to give up my life to a Higher Power yet. I feel like I'm just getting it back. I know that sounds ridiculous. I guess my life is supposed to get better with the help of my program, and my Higher Power- but I just don't want to do it HIS way today. I want to do it my way. I'm just conflicted, I guess. I think I'm just in pain. I'm hurting because of this situation with Michael and the fact that it really didn't work out the way that I wanted to. I put 6 fuckin years into this marriage, and today, I just want to be unhappy about it. I just want to be sad and I don't really WANT to think, meditate or pray about it. Why would I??? I KNOW what happened. It sucks. It sucks to high hell that my marriage is a lost cause and that at the point in my life when all these changes are happening in my life- I will approach them without my husband. And you know, my sponsor said, "well you can share that with us"- and that is just no consolation. At the end of the day, it's just me. In the early hours of the morning, I'm alone. And it sucks. And I'm angry and sad and frustrated about that. I don't need to sort that out in my head. It's not a question, it's the end result. And I just AM sad about it- and that's it. I don't want to share it. I don't want to talk about how sad I am. I won't let Michael see me cry about it- I won't cry about it. If I cry, I'll never stop. And if I feel it, I feel everything. And I don't want to. Shut up, shut off. That is what I would prefer to do right now. Shut down....

Things to be thankful for

I thought alot about gratitude today. I feel that while my life is clearly not perfect, I do have alot of good things happening to me. I have things to look forward to. I have good friends. I had every intention do staying at home and cleaning house, playing with the kids and doing some writing. I did all those things, but I also managed to accept an invitation from a friend for Thanksgiving dinner with her family. She invited us on Wednesday, and I gratefully declined for no real reason other than the fact that I didn't want to commit to anything. She called again today around noon while the boys were still napping. She also reminded me of the really good cheesy greenbeans that she made. Which was pretty much the decider for me. So we ended up going to Thanksgiving with my friend and her family. It was nice. Gabriel did not sit down and decided to play on the patio instead. Daniel clanged his silverware together, ate a few rolls, and decided that does NOT like olives. I was able to eat a whole plate of food, seconds on the greenbeans and a glass of soda. It was nice. I was very glad that I went. I remember being told once, long long ago that there is nothing wrong with accepting an invitation for a meal. I don't like to cook. I'm not really good at it. People usually don't invite you unless they want to. Especially for things like Thanksgiving. Christine is my friend. She loves my boys. She took them to Disneyland. I was not really doing anyone anygood by just staying at home. I needed to eat, the boys needed to eat. And it was good to get them out of the house. AND when I brought them back, they both napped again. Both boys- two naps each at the same time. It was a GOOD DAY.
I realize though that my initial rejection of the offer is because I naturally assume that people don't really WANT me around, and are just being nice. Perhaps she has these fuzzy feelings about Thanksgiving and poor Julie is not having any turkey. But I realize that nobody feels sorry for me. People like having me around. Imagine that. Tomorrow I am going to visit with some old friends of mine for a little while- and I may not even bring the boys with me. And that's ok. I am certain that they will enjoy just seeing ME. I am learning to put away all the old feelings that nobody likes me. All evidence points to the opposite, but I have to practice letting people in. I have to practice being social and hanging out with people. Letting the people that I love know that I love them. Letting them love me. The 200's are abound in my life- and like I said, I don't even have to LOOK for them. They are right there in front of me. I'm thankful for that.

Day before Thanksgiving

Today seems to be a better day to talk. It seems calmer and I guess he is feeling ok with the situation as it stands. What he said was, "I'm all for it." I wasn't sure how to take that, but I guess there's no point in getting my feelings hurt. He wants to make sure that we can be good to the kids. I told him I am willing to share custody. And I am. So long as he stays clean- and is healthy. I would not mind sharing the time so long as they kids can stay in a local school. I think they are young enough, they can adapt to that. I don't want to take the kids away from him. He loves the boys. There is no doubt about that. He has done the best that he can to take care of them. He has stayed home and watched them while I went to work. He bitched about it- but he did it. It's not about the boys. It's about me. I want more from a marriage. This is not a marriage, this is insanity. I know that.
And I also know that this is NOT my fault. I know that I could not save him from this disease. It's not my job. It does not have my name on it. I know that. It's selfish and ego-driven for me to take that on. I didn't cause it, can't change it, can't cure it. He has told me the same. Nothing I could have done differently would have made him less of an addict. It is what it is and I can't change that.
I have a pamphlet on Detachment. Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than myself. Pastor Ed says that your higher power is whatever you spend the most time thinking about. That's scary. I will never let Michael be my higher power again. I ask myself that many times each week, "Who's your higher power today, Julie?" And I have to keep that perspective straight. Michael, nor his disease is my higher power. It doesn't drive my every thought. Or at least it shouldn't. I know that for a long time it did.
For a long time, my every thought was how to get him to act the way I wanted him to. How to get him to be what I wanted. And I have been told to forgive him for not living up to my expectations. I tried. I guess in a way I have. But forgiveness for it, does not mean resignation to it. Just because I forgive him for his disease does not mean that I am choosing to live with it. I'm listening to the soundtrack from Rent. I love this song, Seasons of Love. It makes me want to cry. "How do you measure a year in the life? How about love...." It makes me want to cry, because, where does it leave me? a year ahead, or a year behind. Two years really. Two years ago, Thanksgiving. Things had not been good for us- but it all came crashing down. Hard and fast, and it still has not stopped. Until, maybe now...

guns drawn

I don't know why I felt the need to fight with him tonight. He pissed me off. I asked him what he was going to tell his sister about me not coming to Thanksgiving, what he was going to tell her about us. I guess I just didn't like his answers. That I want him out, that I don't want to be with him anymore... Oh- that's all. It's just me. I guess it's stupid to think that he would portray me as the struggling wife, who is exhausted and finally reached her limit. Of course he will portray me as being cold and unfeeling- and like I just woke up one morning and thought- hmmmm- husband?-don't need THAT anymore!!
What he is telling me seems unrealistic and I am having a hard time remember that it isn't my problem. If he gets an apartment, and then can't keep a job- that's not really my problem. It's really not. He talked about not wanting to rely on me to keep him on my insurance and my response was "oh- because I've been SO unreliable and making sure that you've been insured up till now??" What the hell is THAT about. You'd think he's be grateful. I am changing jobs AND insurance in February. Hopefully by then he will have moved out- and I could EASILY just not put him on it- but I am not going to do that. Can't he just say 'thank you'? Well, duh- of course not. What am I thinking??
He does not want to fight anymore. And I think I really WANT to. Why should he get off so easy? Why shouldn't I be able to tell him what a selfish bastard he is. Why shouldn't I be able to tell him how disappointed I am that he could not provide me with the BASIC things that a husband should provide for a wife. respect, honesty, to be able to trust... And it pisses me off that I am going to just sit back and not say anything because 'there's nothing left to say'. You know, I really do have a lot to say. Part of me really wants to tell him just how much he's hurt me. That I have changed SO much that I am hardly a shadow of the woman I wanted to be, the girl I used to be. Part of me really wants to tell him how he has screwed up his own life so far beyond repair that I feel sorry for him because I can only imagine the struggles he will have to go through to get his crap together. Part of me just wants to take care of all of that for him. LEt me help you, while I'm pushing you towards the door....
I wonder if this cycle will ever end with him and me. We have become the perfect working example of co-dependency. He has to rely on me and I resent him for it- but I don't let him loose enough to do anything for himself. He resents me for essentially rendering him "permanently failed" and I resent him for continuting to fail. And all along, I can pat myself on the back and say that I did my best. It's sickening. I hate that I have perpetuated this cycle for so long and that all my feelings of self worth stem from how he feels about me. I want him to move out. But I still want him to be grateful and acknowledge that I did the best I could. Pat me on the back, and then go. Yeah, I'm not sick or anything...
And I know, like it or not, that the main reason I'm angry is because I could not help him. My love could not solve this problem for him. Being with me was not enough to encourage him to want to get better. I know that it's not realistic, and maybe even selfish and ego-driven to think that I could beat his disease. But I feel that he never tried. I was not even worth it enough for him to TRY. Not even try... I can hear my sponsors voice, and even my last shrink. It's not your fault, it's not your fault, It's Not Your Fault, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. I know this. I say it in my head, out loud, to my friends, to God. I know that it's not my fault. But somewhere deep inside, I hear it. It's your fault. I can't shut it off sometimes. You were not good enough. You were not worth it to him. Face it, sister- it's all your fault.

Just for Today

Having made the decision has made so much difference. Telling him was not as hard as I thought it might be. He took it well, of course I have given him ample time to argue with me about it. I will have to hold my ground. At least I feel ok about letting go. I don't feel guilty anymore. I did for a little bit, but it did not take long for him to start acting jerky again, and remind me exactly why I can't do this anymore. But now I can just smile and know that it won't go on forever. One Day at a Time just got easier. Amen to that.

It's real

And so it is, just like you said it would be.
Life comes easy on me, most of the time.
And so it is, the shorter story,
No love no glory, No hero in her sky
I Can't take my eyes off of you...

I am feeling empty today. Tired and unfulfilled. I have to find a way to fill these empty spaces. Program, reading, prayer, friends, family. I am unfilled because he is here and he is willing to love me today. He is willing to talk and laugh and be friends with me. And I won't let him in. I can't open my heart, not even a little. Because it's not true.
Last night Gabriel called me from to his room and handed me two pictures of me and his dad. He pointed out to me, that's mama and dada. He was smiling and proud of himself for his find. It was a stab to my heart. What am I doing?- is what I thought.. But I can't stop it, it's just shutting off. I know it's for the best. Detachment is painful. I wonder what kind of withdrawls I will go through when he's really gone. Will it be like before? That crazed feeling that I couldn't breathe and feeling so out of control because I didn't know where he was. Another addict without her fix. But then, I did know where he was. He was with her. That bitch who was really just another enabler who got caught in his crossfire- and for all I know, left as damaged as me. I never really trusted him again. Even though it should have started long before- the end for me, really started there.
It's best for me to just keep moving. Stay busy and stay quiet. He tried talking to me last night and I simply said lets just get through the next few days. He has court tomorrow, and I know he is worried about that. I know that I am afraid that bad news will send him reeling, but why throw coals on the fire. The end is coming, but who knows when? It doesn't matter- the damage has been done.
Last night I was laying in bed and he was on his computer, and I said goodnight. and he said "Goodnight Julie". His tone was defeated. He knows. I felt guilty. I wanted to comfort him. To tell him I'm sorry, and that it's going to be ok. That no matter what happens, I will not abandon him. That I do love him. Who comforts me when I'm defeated?

Long week

This week seemed to last forever. I had so many little tasks to take care of, and it seems as if every day of the week was filled with one job or another. I had tests and assignments due. Term papers and DMV appointments. Meeting my sponsor for dinner was really nice because we had been disconnected. She had jury duty for almost three weeks- and I just had to make my way without her. She was working hard, and just not available. I do not want to be one of those people who needs to call her sponsor so she can tell me what I think. I read something about the 7th tradition and being self supporting, and part of that is being emotionally self supporting. Being able to take care of some of your own emotional needs. If I wanted a way out, I could take that to mean that sponsorship is not important, but then I don't think that is what they are saying. I think being self supporting means to work your program. Do your own part. Don't JUST call your sponsor every 10 minutes, but make the reach out calls. Read the book. Go to meetings. Work your steps. It would be really easy for me to call my sponsor with every thing. I talk to her almost every day.
I hope someday I can be that kind of sponsor that she is. That I can be someone who people look up to- because I know that people look up to her because she is a strong personality and a regular at our meeting. Whenever there is a question, or a person who can't answer something- everyone looks to her. She tries to stay quiet and let other people contribute, but in the end, people will look at her and sometimes even ask, "what do you think?"
She said she was glad that I have come to these most recent decisions on my own. I even told my family about it, that is how serious I am. I just can't do it anymore. I have nothing left to give. I have no desire to work at it. I just have to let it go. I wonder what I will miss....
I think I will miss the jokes. We would laugh sometimes. We had inside jokes and things that used to just make us laugh when we didn't want to laugh. I will miss that. I guess I should not think about the things I will miss. There is no point in that now. I guess if I wanted to I could focus on what I won't miss, but I won't do that. I AM sad about it. I mean, here, alone- just thinking about it- it makes me kind of sad. It's the vows, the promises. They meant something to me- but he didn't hold up his end. I know he wanted to. I know that he still wants to- but he isn't. And I should not have to wait and wait and wait. We had so many problems the first 4 years, and the last two have been even harder. Isn't it supposed to get better?? Wasn't the "better, richer and health" supposed to kick in at some point? What happened to that part??
Well, it's too late for crying. What's done is done. It's best that I don't dwell on it. It's not supposed to be easy. And I don't have to think about the rest of my life. Just today. Today I am happy with my decision and I know it's the right one to make.

Thank you for the cheesecake!

"I awoke this morning with a devout Thanksgiving for my friends, the old and the new."- Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Wednesdays Thoughts

Our literature says that Love cannot exist without the dimension of justice. To me this means that if things are not balanced and even, there will be resentments and discontent. Only when the scales are balanced is there an open path for communication, trust and love.
By allowing myself to be taken advantage of, lied to and treated badly then I am setting the foundation for resentment and discontent. It pisses me off that in the end, it's also my fault. I can't just sit back and play the victim to all this crap, but what does that get me anyway. I think lately I have been alot less tolerant of the crap. Actually lately, there has not really BEEN any. Bu lately, I mean the last week. I am sure that it will come back, it always does. Perhaps I put him in a state of constant failure because even when he is making efforts, I am just waiting for the bottom to fall out. What was the line from the YaYa's?:
"It's as if she is always waiting for the other shoe to drop"
"You know why she does that, don't you"
"No, why?"
"Because it always did."
I feel like I am carrying around bricks again. Trying to balance them on my shoulders, switch arms, balance them on my head (and walk like a beauty queen), or just drag it behind me. It's hard for me to let go of the anger and put the past behind me. Perhaps it's because I feel so wronged by it all. I don't know if it will ever be OK. I know that he is trying, and that he does not want to be sick and did not want these things to happen, but they did. He may never be square with me, not in this lifetime- and he knows that too and that works against him. But I feel what I feel and I want what I want.
I miss that feeling of having a safe place to rest my head. It's been gone so long I didn't realize that it was missing. I forgot that it was important. It seems normal to me to be on guard. It seems logical to me to do the things I have to do to protect myself. Other people don't GET why when something good happens to me, why I have to decide whether or not to share it with him, because sometimes it just makes him feel bad. I have been going to the hardware store for bread for so long, so often, that perhaps they are thinking of having a bread isle, just for me. Or perhaps I should just start buying some nails.... hmmmm. The bricks are heavy, and weighing me down.
I miss feeling safe, comfortable and wanted. Somewhere along the lines I have realized that I missed it. It got used to it. I got USED to feeling unsafe, uncomfortable and unwanted. And I don't want that anymore. I just want to feel contented. I need to feel at home in my own home. In my own skin. I know that he can't do that for me. I don't know if I will allow him to do that for me anymore. Maybe it's my own brand of justice. Just to take care of myself. To prove that I don't NEED for him to be nice to me, or make it right for me to be ok. I feel that so much has been taken from me, and taking care of myself is the only way I can take a little bit back.

Mr Brightside

My brother is leaving for Iraq at 0200 hours on Sunday. So in three hours he reports to base and is leaving for a year. We went out to dinner tonight, my dad, my sister and my brothers. He was dressed in his fatigues I guess. Light colored camoflaged cargo type pants. People noticed him, how could you not?- he's tall and thin and handsome and well, he's a soldier and people tend to notice soldiers these days. But seeing him in his Marine Corps gear' which I have seen him in lots of times, just reminded me that he was leaving.
He's not thrilled about going, but he knows that it's his job. I think we were all trying to keep a good face and smile but I admit that I'm sad he's leaving. I'm scared for his safety- but this is the third time he's been to the middle east. Once during desert storm and this is the second time for this war- what is it called Iraqi Freedom? Enduring Freedom? Where do they come up with these names- and who thinks them up?? Well, anyway- he is leaving and while I am sad about it, I am certain that I will see him again in a year. He should be online again hopefully at the end of the week. Weird how with computers you can be off at WAR and still IMing with your family members and telling them about your every day happenings as if they were just a few freeways away.
I love telling people stories about Rick, and retelling the stories that he tells us about when he's over seas. I am so proud of what he does for a living and for his bravery. I look forward to reading his blog, as ge started one last time but never really got it going- but I think he's going to try it again as it will be easier than emailing everyone. I know that my mom is really sad and scared about him leaving too. She said to me today, "what's a mother to do?" and I said "pray" I mean what else is there? But I know I will always pray for his safety and a safe return home to his daughters and to his family. I was not able to go with my parents to drive him to base. I would have, but I know that I also would have gotten very emotional about it and I don't want to make it hard on him. He's my big brother and I don't want him to have to comfort me when who knows what kinds of feelings he is having. I hugged him goodbye at my mom's house before I left and I told him to take care of himself and that I love him. I didn't want to get emotional in front of the rest of the family. Nobody wants to talk about how nervous they are for him to be leaving again- even if we are all thinking it.
Anyway, I'm sure Rick will be reading this eventually, so good luck big brother. Be careful, be safe and know that we are all thinking of you every day. I love you and I'm proud to call you my brother.

My birthday

Today is my 34th birthday and as many jokes as I made today about being 29, 27- possibly going backwards starting this year etc. I don't feel that bad about being 34. I think I would hate to be 24 again. I didn't have any idea who I was at 24, and while I may have some issues, I'm clearly aware of who I am- for most of my uninventoried flaws, I doubt that at the end of my 4th step, I will be suprised at my list of charated defects.
The picture is of my neice, Megan. There are more picture in my photo albums. I love that she is getting her nails done and painting her toes and putting on lip gloss. I know my sister worries about her being a 'normal little girl'- and every little girl love nail polish and lip gloss and it absolutely warms my heart to see these pictures. I'm grateful for her. She is such a joy.
Some co-workers took me to lunch for my birthday and I was grateful to be around them and that they wanted to come. In the afternoon there was a cake and they really suprised me with it. The whole office was in there, and sang happy birthday to me- and it felt good. Not like they were dragged in to do it, while I would have normally thought so. Christine bought me a bracelet that I have been eyeing and it is a chain type bracelet with connected rings that say really cool loving words on it peace, love, dream, goals, heart, virtue, giving, honesty, believe, connect, respect, cherish, happy and relax. Two words on each circle. She knows what it means to me. I said thank you, hugged her, and told her I love her. I hope she knew it before, as I don't know that I've ever said it to her. I really felt loved today, and deserving of the attention. I also was sure to email Jennifer, who arranged the lunch, and the cake and told her how much it meant to me that she went through the effort and made me feel loved on a day that I normally want to disappear in fear that nobody would notice me anyway. I was sure to tell her that I was grateful for her friendship.
One thing did happen to me that was very hurtful- someone that I care about, and I thought cared about me absolutely ignored that it was my birthday. At work I was sitting in front of a bouquet of balloons, one of which said HAPPY BIRTHDAY and he never commented about it, even though I had told him days ago that it was my birthday- so seeing the balloons should have jogged his memory- but he opted to not comment at all. I was hurt- we are friends and I am usually grateful for his friendship but it seems as if he purposely ignored me. And while I did not want for him to make any kind of big DEAL about me, it would have been nice for him to acknowledge me- we ARE friends, after all. But he didn't. And I admit, it hurt. I don't know what his reasons were, and he does not seem the type to intentionally hurt me- but he did call me this morning and ask a favor of me, which I gladly obliged- which then just makes me feel stupid and used when he still did not even say so much as 'happy birthday'. I do not need any more people in my life who ask for things of me, and then do not even acknowledge me. I think I gave alot of energy being upset about this today- and I have to let it go. It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things and my friends really made me feel loved today. It's funny how with all the good things that happened today- I am focusing on the one bad thing. The one person who did NOT make me feel good- is the one I am thinking about. Patsor Ed's 200 to 1 theory. 200 people tell you that you are great, and 1 person tells you that you are a jerk. Guess who gets your full attention? Well I may not have alot of 200's , but I do not have to listen to the 1's. Today I can be grateful for the 200's. And I don't even have to look very hard for them anymore. All I have to do is open my eyes. God, I'm grateful for that.

I finally got to a meeting last night. It was good to go. I walked in, and within a few minutes I started to feel better. I was reminded, just listening to the literature readings why I go there. It says in Understanding Ourselves : It is in Alanon that we learn to deal with our obsession, our anxiety, our anger, our denial, and our feelings of guilt.
So I came home last night feeling good about my meeting and that I have my program feet back on the ground. And I came home and was faced with unacceptable behavior again. It would be dramatic of me to say that I flipped out, but I didn't. I think I was pretty clear when I told him that I am through with this. I am just at the end of the red zone with this and I'm tired of waiting for him to grow up and stop acting like a teenager who has nothing to lose. I asked him to come up with one good reason that I should stay married to him, and when he said he could not think of one, I said that neither could I. I am sick and tired of the years of my life slipping away and I am simply unhappy. I really am at a point that if he decides to walk out the door, I would not stop him and I might even be relieved.
And it's not about love. I do love Michael, but I deserve better than this. I am learning that I am worth so much more than I am getting. I have been selling myself short for years, and not demanding better. And I am still not demanding better. He will either act right, or he will have to go. Because I don't want this marriage anymore. It's not healthy. It's not supportive and it's NOT what marriage and friendship and love is all about. I may not know what a healthy marriage looks like, but I certainly know that this isn't it. I may not have had many good examples of healthy partnerships- but I have seen enough unhealthy ones to know that I could teach the class.
And I'm not even sad. I'm indifferent. If he decides to act right and straighten up, that's great. I will be happy for him and for the kids- and maybe we can discuss salvaging this train wreck, this plane crash of a marriage. And if not, then I will get my life back. One way or the other, things are going to have to change. I just can't subject myself to this any longer.

Not just a program of meetings

This morning my van had a flat tire. What a way to ruin the day. It was not the tire, but the complete havoc it wrecked on Michael and I. In my opinion, he was manic today and kind of going back and forth with what he thought I should do and when we should handle the situation. "The situation" being me finding a gas station open to fix it, or him going to Auto Zone and buying me some Fix-A-flat. We ended up arguing about it, about who had the attitude, and about who was as going to actually handle the situtaion.
But how does this have to do with why I go to meetings. Well, because as the day went on, I could see, more and more clearly as the tension rose, that while he was frustrated and being what I considered to be 'jerky'- I was clearly being a bitch. I was being smug and self righteous, sound familiar?? At one point the thought crossed my mind that he actually took the air out of my tires, in an attempt for me to give him money to fix it and then...well, forget it. It was so stupid and I realized that, and realized that I was being a freakin lunatic. So I came home, and I said that I was sorry. And I meant it.
I have not been to a meeting in at least two weeks. As I said yesterday, I'm using it as an excuse to behave this way. I need to go to meetings to remind me that I have to take responsibility for my actions and for the things that I say, and maybe that will encourage me to keep my mouth shut. He doesn't get in bad moods to bother ME.
I apoligized to Michael for being a crazy bitch and bought him pizza for dinner after the kids were in bed. I told him that I have not been to a meeting and it's making me kind of crazy. He reminded me that meetings alone do not bring my program home. That I have other tools of the program that I can use and I should use them when I can't get to a meeting. Now how does he know that??? Apparently he IS going to meetings. I felt stupid. Sometimes I forget that he goes to meetings, he knows what the steps are- even if he doesn't have them memorized. I need to practice keeping my mouth shut- cause it sucks to get shut down- expecially when you have it coming.

Motives

Today's reading says that what I do is less important that why I do it. I need to always examine my motives before I open my mouth. It didn't mention if I should question someone elses motives before I believe what comes out of thier mouth. After a week of living with someone who resembled the devil himself- Michael appears to have returned to his human form and is acting normal again. I may never understand these mood swings. Sometimes I question if they really ARE mood swings, or just the addict without his substance- and does that mean, now that he is acting normal again- that he HAS his substance?? I don't know. Part of me wants to open up conversation with him. Play "nice nice" so I can get inside his head and find out what's really going on. Control control control. I don't really want to open up conversation and play nice just to have conversation and BE nice, well, maybe I do a little...but it's more about wanting to know what he's up to. Getting past what appears to be fake. The honeymooning phase. I don't buy it anymore. It always appears to be good for a few days, maybe even a week- but then it's gone again- and I spend a few days, maybe even a week being the enemy. Being called a bitch and blamed for everything. It's exhausting. It just adds more resentment to the list. I have not been able to detach lately. I don't know why- perhaps it's because I have not been to enough meetings. What is my motive for not going to meetings?- perhaps so I have an excuse to be resentful...People who don't work a program seem to be able to blame, resent, judge, control etc. without having to face any emotional consequences about it- because they don't have a program that tells them the consequences of doing so. I can't do that. I have to acknowledge my feelings, examine my motives and work my program because my program says so. And without it, I'm free to go back, to blame, resent, judge and control. But with that, I also have fear and discontent. I have no serenity. I don't think that my blame, resentment, judment and sense of control are worth my serenty.
I need to get to a meeting tomorrow. Now that I realize my motives, I have to do the right thing for myself let go. I don't have to carry the bag of bricks, I can put it down. It's time to put it down.

Accepting Disappointment

This mornings reading in ODAT was about accepting disappointments. I feel like disappointment is just a natural part of my day. Last night I came home after getting a call from Michael that he was losing his mind at home with the boys. He called and said he needed help. So I came up with some help. I told him he could take the boys to the babysitter, or that I would ask my mom if she could maybe take ONE of the babies. He got defensive and started blaming me. That it was my fault for never being home. And that when I am home I lose my patience with the boys too. Of course I do. I work all day. I have a million things pulling at me, and screaming babies are not exactly 'music' to my years. But I didn't just call him asking for HELP. I pointed that out to him, and he hung up on me. THAT S.O.B. HUNG UP ON ME!!!!! So whatever. I came home last night and tried to have a good attitude. Not let him ruin what could be a nice evening with the boys. And it WAS. I came home and did ALOT of dishes. I wish I could say I did them all- but I wanted to spend some time with the boys. I made some chicken and rice for me and Alex. I gave the babies a bath and we played and watched TV and there was very little yelling. Very little crying. And Michael slept either in his chair or in bed. I guess I was disappointed because Michael is just so filled with hate again. I think he has stopped taking his antidepressants, and he's just mean. It is sad that he won't take care of himself. And I won't do it for him.
I feel like I'm torn in many directions, because I can't afford to put the kids in day care full time. And I don't want him to just be allowed to be home all day and not work. But is it good for the kids to be at home with him if he's in a bad mood. Usually when I come home, they are clean, fed and happy- they are not shut int hier bedrooms or anything. I know he's not harming them. It's me that he hates, not them. I know that he doesn't WANT to babysit them three days a week. But if I have to work full time, and pay the bills and all that- then watching the kids is his part. He SHOULD be watching them EVERY DAY, but I know he's not well enough to do that. So I juggle. And his part is to watch them three days a week, and if he doesn't like it- then that's too bad. I don't get to slack off on my job. I don't get to option of NOT working and NOT paying the bills, so he doesn't get to get out of watching the kids. But it frustrates me that he tries to play the "you are a bad mom" card. I know he's just hates himself right now- but that is hitting below the belt. It's not fair to put all the responsibility of the house and finances on me, and then tell me that I am not doing enough for the kids. How can I possibly do that??
So today I'm trying to stay in the serenity prayer. I can't change the situation that I'm in. I HAVE to work, he doesn't seem to want to work very badly. I don't have to let him make me feel guilty for it. I do the best I can for these kids. I have to take solace in that. I have to believe that I am teaching them something. And making up for whatever damage he is doing by acting the way he does.
Acceptance, Courage, Wisdom. That's all I need right now.

Good News

I found out last night that I got accepted at CSULB. I guess I knew that I would, but it was cool to find out for sure. I have two months before classes start so I have to start the orientation process and financial aid stuff right away. I had called the enrollment services automated "dealy" to make sure that they received my transcripts and it said, "Congratulations, you have been offered admission to Cal State Long Beach." So that is how I found out. I didn't get a letter in the mail or anything yet. It doesn't matter HOW I found out- but you know, those are moments- when you open that 'acceptance letter'- and because I'm such a control freak and I have to check and double check every little thing, I won't have that moment- but I guess that's ok. Michael was already asleep so I didn't get to share that with him. I did go in and wake him and tell him, he said congratulations. No big to-do, just congratulations... I guess it's what I should expect. I told my mom, and she said congratulations- but she was in the car, so she didn't hug me. I guess what I wanted was a hug with the congratulations. Maybe that's stupid. I want I want I want. I guess I should just be happy knowing that I got in...