Who says you can't go home??

Today I am grateful that I have a big family.

Not just alot of people, but alot of LIFE.

Progress...not perfection

This is exactly where I am today... it's all progress.

Last Monday I shared about my disaster of a house. Well, I have been pretty good about cleaning this week. I got the kitchen cleaned Monday and the living room on Tuesday. My bathroom was cleaned, sort of. The trash was picked up, the laundry is off the floor- and all the empty bottles of hair product, lotion, face cream, old eye shadow etc. is thrown out. It still needs to be wiped down, mirrors cleaned etc. But that will happen this week. I'm in no rush.

I made it a point to do dishes every day, except Sunday- and I came home from school tonight and at first glance, it looked like the return of the mess. I sighed, loudly-because after a long day at work and then school, I hate coming home to a mess. So I put my kids to bed- and got to work. Suprisingly, it really only took me 20 mintes and my kitchen is clean again. Like REAL people. My counters are wiped down, the dishes are done, my sink is shiny. Fucking shiny!!! It feels fan-fucking-tastic. So much so that I pointed it out to my husband, who was not immediately offering up any praise for it. "Looks good huh??" For those of you who know me, the fact that my kitchen has been clean for 7 days, (or 20 minutes away from clean) is a big accomplishment for me. I am admittedly lazy when it comes to housecleaning, well, not lazy, just indignant.

I have three weeks left of school and I have officially made it through my first universtiy semester.

AND, that woman I have been struggling to get along with...she and I had a few laughs today. I did my best to be as NICE as I could to her- and she pulled through for me and got me what I needed. Also I did find out the following day that she is going through some struggles with her family- so even though I had no idea what for at the time, I am glad that I prayed for her- because apparently she needed it. It did open my heart to her, a bit, and helped me to see her as a person, a woman, a daughter, and not just a co-worker who was pissing me off. So thank you to those who commented on that- and to D-man, for making me laugh about it.

So anyway, in Program, we say Progress, Not Perfection. And while some people, who I will not mention, use this slogan as an excuse to continue to act like douche-bags, for me- I try to think that it's ok that things are not exactly how I want them to be. My apartment is not super clean, and I would probably still not have people over just yet, but if someone showed up unannounced, I could say 'excuse the mess' and let it go. That is progress. It's good enough.

And today, that's good enough for me.

Gratitude List:

1. Clean Kitchen
2. Kids went to bed with minimal fuss
3. I went to a meeting on Sunday, and even though it was not the 'best meeting' I could go to all week, it did help me get back in focus.
4. My friends, who are awesome.
5. My brother is safe in the states for another week.
6. On Friday night, I took too much medication and my husband put me to bed, carried me to bed and changed my clothes and everything. It was very nice of him to do that- and not leave me on the couch. So I am grateful to him for that.
7. My sponsor for not giving up on me, even though I am not giving my program the priority it deserves, and for not giving me crap about my reasons.
8. The 12 steps.

Ripping my heart out...

Today's Meditation
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When am I manipulative?
Personal relations.
Without understanding our motives, we can easily lapse into behavior aimed at manipulating others. Sulking is a means of letting others know we are displeased and forcing them to attempt to win our approval. Flattery is a false _expression of approval that we don't really feel…. Giving others good strokes for our own purpose. Withholding deserved praise is a means of putting others down, something we're likely to do because of our jealousy.
Manipulative behavior is almost always selfish behavior. IT is usually a false means of trying to get our own way. It is certainly an immature way of dealing with people and situations.
The best way to avoid being manipulative is to be ourselves at all times. We have neither the right nor the responsibility to control or regulate other people. Our best approach, in trying to influence others' actions, is simply to state our own case with sincerity and honest. Others must be free to act, free to choose, and free to make their own decisions without manipulative interference on our part.
I will be myself at all times today. I will not assume false roles simply for the purpose of bending others to my own will. Manipulative behavior is controlling behavior, which I must avoid.

The door to the human heart can only be opened from the INSIDE.

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Sometimes I struggle with being myself, because I know my feelings will make other people uncomfortable. I know that if I say, "I am disappointed because...." it will only cause another person to feel weird, and chances are it will not envoke any change anyway.

Sometimes the truth hurts worse than any lie ever could.

But that doesn't make it any less true.

Wouldn't it be nice...

Pray for your enemies.

I don't get this... I have heard speakers talking about this idea. When you don't like someone, pray for them, that they get all the things you want- or all the things they want. And I don't understand the concept of this.

It's rare that there are people I simply don't like. There are people who I don't care for, who I prefer not to be around, but very few that I have gotten to know that I can day that I really don't like. I work VERY hard, like most good Al-Anon's to make sure that everyone likes me- and I have a hard time when I'm faced with people who simply DON'T. At my old job there was a woman who was a dear woman who most people got along great with, but she just didn't like me- no matter WHAT I did. In the end, I just had to give up, but to this day I would walk the other way if I saw her- because I think I would still try to be nice to her to figure out why she dislikes me so much.

I have a similar situation at work now. There is a woman who I simply HAVE to work with, my job requires her cooperation- and no matter what I do- I'm wrong. No matter how I go about asking for things, I find a way to piss her off. And today we had a run-in, and she was extremely rude to me, in front of other people. She pulled a total attitude with me, and I just felt really abused over it. Abused. I don't think that there is anything I can do to smooth this over now. She CLEARLY has a problem with me, and what I am asking of her- but there is no way around it. My job requires her to do her job- and we both get paid to work, like it or not. She does not have to like me- although it would make my life (or my conscious) easier if she did. All I ask for is some cooperation and perhaps some professional courtesy, and today I got none of that.

I did talk to my manager about it, which I also did not WANT to do- but you know, I can't really do anything more in this situation. I have tried to be as nice as I can, almost apoligizing for making her work. But I really can't just sit back and allow her to treat me this way. So I called on my boss, who I would not want to be on the wrong side of, to step in and help me. I feel awful for doing it- but I deserve to stand up for myself because I deserve a good working environment- and this woman is making my life hell now. But I do feel bad, I feel really crappy because I perhaps I'm more comfortable with this woman treating me bad, than getting her in trouble.

So anyway, why should I pray for her? What is the purpose of praying for someone I who I may or may not like, but who clearly dislikes me. What is the purpose of that??? Anyone....? Am I supposed to pray that she has some change of heart and stops acting this way, or is it just about doing the opposite of what you are thinking??? Is it about replacing anger and frustration with whatever warm and fuzzy feelngs prayer provides??? I don't know. Prayer is something I'm still kind of new at. So if you can share with me the reasons for this, give me some insight. Until then, I will act as if..something else I am told to do in the program. (kind of like, fake it till you make it...)

I'm getting ready for bed, and I am going to take a moment to pray for her- because that is what I'm supposed to do, And we'll see how I feel, and how things pan out when my boss talks to her. perhaps that I what I should be praying for. That she makes if out of that conversation ok....

Quick morning pick me up

I came home from work last night to a disaster of a house. I'm overwhelmed with the mess again. Somehow I need to get control of this mess, because obviously nobody else is going to. I could go on and on about how I am the working person in this marriage, and I should not HAVE to be the house cleaner too. It's not like M never does it, but the house is clean, in between disasters. At 34, I have no plan on how to keep the house clean. It's something I'm SO bad at, and I know that I've talked about it here before.

I left for class and thought about it and wrote down a cleaning plan. Surely people do not clean the entire house daily... there are zones, right?? When I came home I went to this website that I had come across in the past. Flylady I took some tips from there also.

Last night I cleaned the kitchen. Every dish, fork, and pan is clean. My sink is shiny and my counters are smooth. It took 2 hours, but I was also occasionally interuppted by the boys. This morning when I got up- I made my way to the kitchen- and it was SO CLEAN!!!!!

It felt so good and I am so proud of myself for doing it.

Today's Gratitude List:
1. Even though the babies were up late last night, they were in pretty decent moods and I did not have to be frustrated when I put them in bed.
2. That my kitchen is so clean that there is really only SO much mess that one person (who will probably not get out of bed much today) can do to mess it up.
3. That I have enough money in the bank that it is not going to hurt me to go without my child support check this month.
4. That my friends continue to take my calls even though I know that I am making them crazy.
5. That my brother is safely in New Hampshire visiting his daughters.
6. That no matter how bad yesterday was, it's over now.
7. That I have a plan tonight to clean my bathroom, and go to a meeting. I may not follow the plan, but at least I have one so I will not just be idle.
8. That I have enough Al-Anon and AA literature and speaker tapes and CD's, that if I can't get to a meeting, I can still hear the message and regain some clarity.
9. The 12 steps.

I am ending with that one, cause that's my Amen.

Lost for words

I sent out Easter E-cards this year. I hate that I didn't take the time to buy or make them. I used to make cards with rubber stamps etc. It was a business that I did. I loved it. I loved being creative, and going to peoples homes and sharing that with people. I was good at it too. I stopped because I didn't have the time to do the workshops, and I eventually stopped having time to even stamp. It burns me to spend $3 on a card because I know that I can create something cute, creative, and sometimes even quite beautiful for alot less, with the things that I already own- but I don't have the time (or the space) anymore. Now I will send e-cards, because it's easy and and I do pay for the Blue Mountain account annually. So I send ecards to all my friends for every holiday. But every time I do, I feel guilty for not having the time to make something, because everyone that I would send a e-card too- I truly care about enough to sit down and create something if I had the time to do it.

If I buy a card- it's usually because I am going to actually SEE that person, perhaps give a gift- or if I really want to say something. When it's for someone I love- and I want to say what I can't express in a few short sentences, I have a card buying test: If the card makes me cry, that's the one I buy. It's silly I guess- but it's how I know that it says what I want to say, because sometimes, I just don't know how to express myself quickly.

How do you just say "I'm sorry" when you are too sorry for "I'm sorry."

How do you just say "Happy Birthday" when you are more than just happy that someone is alive and in your life.

How do you say "I love you" when it's so small compared to what you really feel???

How do you say "Congratulations and Good Luck" when you really want to say "Don't Go."

Sometimes the words just don't come out right when I start to write them down. And what I end up writing is stupid and doesn't come close to what I really want to say- so I let the card say what I want to say- and I simply sign my name.

So for those of you that got the E-card, please know that I do care, and I do want to say so much more than "Happy Easter" I want to tell you how blessed I am to have you in my life. That I wish you so much more than a happy spring... that I pray for you often...that I hope your kids find eggs filled with jellybeans and quarters, and that the Easter Bunny brings you Flowers and/ or Barbeque Tools, as well as Marshmallow Peeps (the bunnies AND the chicks). I hope that I can see you soon so I can hug you and tell you how glad I am to see you. And that if I had the time to go to the store and pick out a personal card for you- I would have cried when I found it because it would have said exactly what I wanted it to say, but I just couldn't find the words.

Happy Easter....

julie

You give love... a bad name.

Chapter 2 in "Paths to Recovery" asks, How has the alcoholic situtation changed my sanity?

This makes the assumption that I was sane before I entered into the alcoholic marriage. I can't exactly claim that either. In relation to men, I made lots and lots of choices with men that were mean, stupid, reckless or straight-up crazy.

When I was in high school I started a bad pattern of letting particular boys come around whenever they had a fight with thier REAL girlfriend and then when they would make up, I was set back aside. There were about three of those guys in high school, and probably two more AFTER that. One of them (from high school) is my husband today.... Some girls never learn. Ever.

Had I learned not to be a doormat and somewhat of a slut- I probably would never have ended up in the life I have now. I don't think the alcoholic marriage is what screwed up my sanity. No sane person would have stayed in this life. Something in the wiring, I guess. A girlfriend of mine suggested that I'm just looking for someone to love me. Hell, I've had LOTS of men love me- a few of them still do. They just weren't the RIGHT men.

I don't know if I ever thought that my husband was Mr. Right. I don't know that I believe in that. I don't know that I believe in the idea that there is that one person who is going to fill all your empty spaces. I have met men who come close, real real close. Men who have treated me right, and been respectful and wonderful and gentle and kind- but in the end, I just didn't have enough to offer, I guess. That makes sense. We attract what we put out there. If I put out there that I'm kind of a mess, it's what I will get back. It's certainly what I HAVE gotten back thus far. The good men, didn't know what to do with me.

I dated a guy once who said when we broke up, "You know, I really love being around you- but lately, I'm starting to get these headaches...."

All I could do is thank him for his honesty. He was probably the only one who made me laugh on his way out.

So maybe my sanity was not intact when I GOT married. It probably explains why I got married in the first place. What sane person would consider the life that was ahead of me and say "I do"? A sane person would have said, "Are you f'en crazy??" But I think this situtaion, and being in Al-Anon and learning to be honest with myself has made me MORE sane than I've ever been.

So what has the alcoholic situation done to my sanity. Well, in a round about way, it's made me realize that I was lacking it before I got here- and and it's even helped me get some of it back.

Maybe I need a pet

I am thinking alot this morning on expectations and how I am frustrated that I do not get the response from other people that I feel I deserve. The Al-Anon Courage to Change has about 6 different entries on expectations and I read them all and tried to get what I could. I came up with these ideas...

Stop going to the hardware store for bread. This I know. I have been doing it my whole life, it seems, turning to those who can't or won't give me what I need and then feeling stupid for thinking I was going to get it in the first place. If I go to the hardware store, I will only get hardware.

Having expectations is premeditated resentment. When I expect things of other people, for people to act or re-act a certain way, I am setting them up to fail because how can anyone else know exactly what I want if I don't voice those needs. But let me take a second to acknowledge how much it pisses me off that Al-Anon has forever ruined my ideals of resentment and holding a grudge. If I'm resentful, it's because I expected something. So then it's my own fault. Yeah yeah, it's not about 'fault' (I can hear my sponsors voice in my head). But essentially I have to take responsibility for my own feelings...why am I upset, why am I resentful, what were my expectations- and in essence, how can I turn it all around and blame myself for it?? Talk about taking the wind out of your sails....

Maybe what I want is a pet. The book suggested that we want someone who is there for us, but who doesn't impose too much upon us. Of course, I have had some pretty demanding cats and even that is too much for me some days....

My point I guess, is that I am feeling really frustrated because I caught myself having expectations about a situation when I should not have. Some things in life just ARE what they ARE, and if I can, I need to enjoy them for what they ARE, not what I want them to be. Part of me wonders how nice it would be if everything just went my way... but then, God knows how well I have managed my own life up until now. Imagine the chaos if I got everything I ever wanted....where would I put it all??

Yeah, nix the pet idea, I already have 4 dogs in the house....