4 days....

My son is leaving on Sunday. Originally he was not leaving until the 19th- but his dad, my ex has decided he is going two weeks early, so my son will be leaving with him. I think I've been in denial about it, and now it's really happening. I'm trying not to be emotional about it, because my son is an emotional kid. I don't want to make it harder for him. I am also trying not to be bitter, because he seems so excited to be leaving in the first place. I'm trying to be funny, and joke around about how much quieter it will be around the house without him around. How I won't have to watch Yu-Gi-Oh anymore or hear about Avatar. No longer will I have to listen to "U Can't Touch This" on Radio Disney or "Who Let the Dogs Out" or "The Naked Mole Rap." Kim Possible who??

He laughs and says "mommmm" knowing that I am joking. Knowing that I like to tease him and make him laugh. Knowing how I am the cool mom who tries not to freak out if the f-bomb slips out (I know where he learned it), or who simply lets his grades be what they are because lets face it folks, in 5th grade- who cares if it's an A or a B.

When I was in labor with him. He was late and I was in the hospital. I was not progressing, and my contractions, while painful and uncomfortable, were induced and producing nothing. I was exhausted and irritated and as my step dad likes to quote me from that day, "This Sucks!"

It had been 34 hours of labor and I was now waiting for the next 45 minutes to pass before the let me have the C-section. With about 15 minutes to go, the monitor starts beeping and his heart rate started to drop. Nurses came running in and there was so much commotion. They were telling me to roll this way, prop myself up, put my leg up, no roll that way, this leg here, prop up, lay down- whatever. I was low on fluid and because I kept throwing up- I kept losing whatever fluid they were pumpin in there. He was could be laying on the cord, you don't know. Could be wrapped. Dont' know. So I was there doing what they said and listening for that beep beep beep of the monitor. I was laying facing the monitor and staring right at it. Watching the number drop. lower lower lower.... I just started at it. I could. like an echo, hear my mom, gasping and trying to ask questions to the nurses. I could hear the echo nurses around me. I could even hear the echo of my ex by the door, being distracted and escorted in another direction by my sister. But all I could clearly hear was that beep beep beep. And then it was gone. I started blankly at that LCD screen.

Just you and me, I remember thinking, you won't do this to me. We have a deal you and me. I remember that I whispered his name. I remember the world stopping, for just that moment between me and this unborn child. I started at that screen for what seemed like minutes, although I'm sure it was just a few seconds....and I prayed, even though I hadn't prayed in years...

....beep....

and he was back.

Within minutes I was rushed into the operating room. On the way down the hall they pumped up my epidural and I slept through the whole thing. I woke for a second when I heard him cry. They brought him next to my face and I touched him.

And I may never tell him how much I miss The Naked Mole Rap. Or how I will probably listed to Radio Disney, even though I don't have to. He won't ever know how much I wanted him to tell me he didn't want to go. He will never ever know how much I love him. He will never know that I am dying...absolutely dying inside to see him go. And how when his dad said he wanted to take him to North Carolina, the world stopped once again.

Born to be alive

Sometimes it seems like my life hasn't changed much, and sometimes I am amazed at how different I feel.

Maybe it's a confidence thing. Perhaps I just FEEL better about myself lately. Perhaps it's about detachment. Things with my husband have really not changed much. I mean, lately (and by lately I mean the last two days) we have been getting along a little better- but I have my doubts at how real that is. And when he gets into his depressed moods, I can't say that I'm OK with it, but I think it bothers me less at that moment. I try not to think of what the rest of my life will be like- because then it feels hopeless and endless, but in general, I can handle it one day at a time.

But I learned to get a life. To hang out with friends, and be social and have fun!! Oh my God, FUN. I almost forgot what FUN is really like. Being around people, and laughing and telling old stories and bad jokes and meeting new people and not even wondering if you fit in, because you just do. And then staying up late and LAUGHING so hard that you almost lose your voice. It's so good to feel alive again.

What's Left of Me

These are some of the lyrics from the new song by Nick Lachey... or the ex Mr. Jessica Simpson

Falling faster
Barely breathing
Give me somethin' to believe in
Tell me it's not all in my head

Take what's left of this man
Make me whole once again

now I'm broken
and I'm fading
I'm half the man I thought I would be
You can have
What's left of me
--------------

This morning I decided to give this song a listen. Apparently Nick is finally getting some attention to his music, now that he's been spectacularly dumped. And so I listened to the song and I found myself feeling sorry for poor rich gorgeous Nick. All screwed up and 'half a man'.

And it made me think about all the 'half men' I have fallen for. And the realization that perhaps that is my problem. Well, I guess I've always KNOWN it, but you know what I mean. I guess it's the co-dependent about me that makes me want to 'save' broken down, 'half men'. And I know that even my husband had a truck load of baggage that I thought I could carry for him.

So this morning while I'm listening to the words.... Take what's left of this man...yeah, sounds peachy.... Make me whole once again...great, cause I don't have ENOUGH to do....now I'm broken and I'm fading....and you feel you can be in a relationship-WHY???...I'm half the man I thought I would be...NOT A GOOD SELLING POINT...but you can have what's left of me.

Fucken GREAT!!!! Can't wait....

And I thought to myself that I don't WANT half a man. Why would (or DID) I ever want HALF a man?? What kind of crazy f'ed up thinking do I have that says I don't deserve a man who already IS what he's aspired to be?? What kind of half assed, backwards, low self-esteem load of crap did I sign on to that says that I had to be the saver of the broken ones. It was never my job, but I was always willing to do that. I was an idiot.

I was broken, and I am working on fixing myself. I am not asking anyone to make me whole again.

My life and myspace.

So I'm done with school for the semester!! Finally. Finals took three weeks, I thought I was going to go crazy, but it's done for the summer and I can't tell you how much better I have slept in the last three nights being done with it. I am not taking any summer classes since my son is moving in June and I want to be around to hang out and spend time with him.

So yes. My son Alex, is moving with his dad when school is out. To North Carolina. It was a really really REALLY tough decision to make, but in the end, I think it will be good for him. I can't imagine what it's going to be like, having him so far away- and I think I'm kind of in denial about it. My step daughter is also moving this summer, to Colorado with her mom and step dad. So my husband and I are losing our two oldest kids this summer, far too early. Way earlier than we ever thought that we would. It is actually helping us become a little more of a couple. We have common misery. We struggle with supporting the other person anymore- but right now- we both seem to be going through the same thing- so it helps. He is the only one who I can really understand what I'm going through, because we are BOTH losing our kids. It's not just me, or just him. This is something that is happening to our family. And unlike things that have happened to our family BEFORE, it's not the fault of one person, it's just life. And we are trying to work through it together the best way we know how.

I got a myspace page. I have no idea why. I had a profile so I could search and look for my friends who had one, so now I have one and my friends daughter helped me set it up. The song I have on there rocks, except it's got bad language so turn your speakers down. "Crazy Bitch" is a good song, even though it's vulgar and kind of degrades women. It still has a nice groove to it, and kind of makes you want to dance. So forgive me for having bad taste, but I like it anyway. It's kind of like Baby's Got Back- you can't help but like it and want to dance to it, even though it's kind of tasteless and tacky. Anyway, if you have a myspace page and you want me to add you and I don't exactly know you by name, tell me you know me from here, and I'll be glad to add you- but I keep getting these creepy friend request emails from guys who want to know how "HOT" I am. Yeah, losers... I want to deal with you, sure. But I will assume that the readers of this blog are decent minded human beings who are twisted enough to handle some vulgarity and some offensive jokes. And if you are wondering about my "Headline", it's from Dane Cook who is a comedian who I just love to death and makes me laugh until my sides hurt.

So now that school is done, and I'm less committed for a while- I'm hoping to start going to meetings again. Get back into my program, perhaps balance myself back out. But I'm happy lately. I'm feeling ok. I am having fun in my life right now, and trying not to let every little thing break my spirit. I'm going to be losing alot, giving up alot, in the upcoming months. I don't know how I'm going to handle it all. My doctor put me on some antidepressant/ antianxiety meds. It's about time somebody paid attention to the chest pains I've been having for years. The are helping, I guess. The anxiety/panic attacks are less severe and less often. They help me sleep at night- by the end of the day I am DEAD TIRED- and it's hard for me to stay up too late. During the day I feel like I have a little more energy. So that is a plus.
I can't complain about much right now. Life isn't perfect, but it sucks less than it has in the past.

Mothers Day

To my friends who are moms:

I have been thinking alot this past month what it means to be a mom. The things that we go through and the struggles we face. I have so many wonderful women in my life who I have learned so many things from. So many that have inspired me and in my mind, in my heart, my friends are a part of me, and I a part of them.

I always wanted to write a book about me and 4 of my best friends. They are different women who are only connected through me, and who only know of each other by name and perhaps a few chance meetings. My sister, my best friend since high school, my best friends since kindergarten, and my best friend since birth practically (who I have not spoken to in many years, incidentally). Even now when I think of the 5 of us, I think of how drastically different our lives are, and as women, friends, wives and mothers- we have so much knowledge to offer.

But spreading out my circle, I can see that all of my girlfriends have something amazing and wonderful to offer.

We have struggled together. We have struggled with having babies. We have safrificed alot to get pregnant, we have gone thru procedures and tests and pills and calendars- calculated our ovulation period, asked our husbands to give 'samples'. We have cried over pee sticks, sitting in the bathroom on the phone to each other, "There's two lines!" always crying, sometimes for different reasons. We complained to each other about sciatica, strech marks, cravings, and moodswings, having to buy maternity underwear, nursing bras, and pants with 'the panel'. We laughed together, and cried together- held each others babies in our own hands, holding them so close to our hearts and loving them as much as we love each other.

We have held each others hands, one of us in labor, the other one supporting. Both of trying not to laugh while the woman down the hall is screaming blood murder as if she is giving birth to a tire, and not a 7 pound child. We have fed ice chips, and wiped our sweaty brows, talking about how beautiful the baby is. We have taught each other how to swaddle, how to nurse, some good tips on burping, a few nursery rhymes, and about the magic of the 'boppy pillow', we have shared recipes, secrets, and baby clothes. We have called at 4AM, both of us up, nursing. We have figured out that just a little bit of cereal in the bottle will NOT choke the baby, and WILL make him sleep a little longer.

We have learned, and laughed over the knowledge that nursing one baby while spoonfeeding another is not only possible, but sometimes a necessity. We have given advice about the best babyfood, the best diapers, the best wipes, and the best diaper rash cream. We have oooh and aaahed over thousands of baby pictures. Here's one of her sleeping in her chair, here's one of him sleeping with his dad, here's one of her sleeping in her bed, here's one of him sleeping on the couch.

We have loved thier fathers, learning that our life is not whole without them. We have left thier fathers, knowing that sometimes the best we can do for is run for our lives. Sometimes we married them because it was the right thing to do, sometimes we left them, for the same reason. We have cried over bassinets, and cribs overwraught with emotion. Joy, sadness, regret, guilt. We have done the very best we knew how.

We have admitted, sometimes only to ourselves that we were not up to the task. That we could not take another day of tantrums, another sleepless night, another nursing session, another 'accident'. We have been viciously protective, and sometimes dangerously careless. We have gone home crying to our own mothers.

We have been through firsts together. First teeth, first haircuts, first sickness, first emergency room visit, first ear infections, first surgeries. We have shared our joys and fears and supported each other with the only words that really matter, "I understand."

We have struggled, and been there for each other. We have given advice, and at times had to admit that we did not have any good or easy answers. We have held our children close, and we have let them go. We have shared the most amazing thing we will ever experience as women, we have talked about it all, at length and in great detail- the changes in our lives, our attitudes, our body, our sex drive, the shape of our breasts and the size of our feet.

We are forever changed- each of us someone different from the next, many of us, barely a shadow of the girls we used to be. Separated by our experience, and connected by our mutual experience.

My friends, the many women I have spoke about- and you know who you are. You have inspired me, taught me, and loved me. You have shared my life, and helped me love my boys as well as love myself.

Happy Mothers Day!!

Alot of shit going on.

My husband had a friend who used to say that all the time. Whenever you would ask her how she was doing, what's new, how come she didn't show up... "You know, I have alot of shit going on right now." Yeah? Who the fuck doesn't??

Anyway, I DO have alot of things going on right now- and I should be studying, but I feel like I need to just do this therapeutic writing for me, cause while I am making notes for my class, I am thinking of things I could be writing... so here I am.

I did speak with my sponsor after a week of silence. She emailed me and called me the day after she sent the initial email- and it took me three days to stop being pissed, and then 4 more days to find a long enough block of time to call. She apoligized for including me on that email. She said that she had not realized, or forgot that I had been to a few meetings a week. She admitted that it was stupid for her to send out a blind email to all the girls she sponsors (there are only 4 of us). She admitted that she should not have even included me. She apoligized. She told me she didn't want to lose my friendship. That she was wrong.

I told her that I had been very hurt, and very angry. That I felt it was impersonal and out of the blue. We talked about it. I forgive her. I have forgiven people I like LESS for infractions much worse. People make mistakes. What I think I liked the most about this whole event (and what I like about HER) was that she didn't push me to talk to her until I was ready, that she admitted that she was wrong, and that she told me that I had every right to be angry with her about it. She didn't even try to make an excuse. "What I did was wrong and you have every right to be mad at me about it." I love people who take responsibility without being asked to. And people make mistakes, and do and say really stupid things- that doesn't make them BAD people.

For instance, last week, in an argument I was having with my mother (for another post) I made a comment about my husband in which I not ONLY threw him under the bus, I was driving it- and ran him over- backed up, and ran him over again...circled the block and thump thump, one more time to make sure he's flat. And I immediately regretted having said it- and even though he was not there to HEAR me say what I said, I did tell him, and apoligized. I was angry and trying to make a point, and I just threw ugly words out there. I felt lousy for it. Lousy enough that I didn't have the good sense to keep it to myself.

I am in the middle of finals right now. Middle, but I still have two test, two papers and presentation due this week. How can this be the middle?? I am overwhelmed. I have six days and that is not enough time to study and write and prepare. Part of me just wants to say forget it, and give up!! Screw it. But I have worked hard to keep my grades up. There's no point in screwing it up now. I am not taking any classes this summer- so I will have a break very soon. JUST ONE MORE WEEK!!!! I can do this.

My best friend just finished nursing school!! She's been at it for 5 or 6 years I think. She moved 3 times, once from Texas to Indiana. She had a baby in the middle. And now she's got her degree for an RN. A nurse!! I am so proud of her. She has been one of my biggest supporters, and an inspiration. She deserves to stop struggling financially and be able to support her family. She's been my best friend the day we met in 9th grade and I would not last a day without her. Congratulations Carrie- you amaze and inspire me and I love you sister!!!

Finals and endings

Well this has been an incredibly exhausting weekend!!! I am so tired and it's not a good way to be considering I have two presentations, three finals, and one paper due in the next two weeks. I'm just trying to knock them out as they come along one at a time, not really giving me enough time to properly study for any ONE event.

Last night I took a nice break and took the babies to visit with my brothers girlfriend and that was really nice. I tend to not take them too many places, because it's just very tiring, but luckily she and her daughter were both very patient and played with them too. They had fun and were asleep before we hit the freeway ont he way home. I also go to burn like 15 of her CD's, so that was WAY cool and I have a whole new collection for my MP3 player and the car.

On Thursday of last week I had an issue come up with my sponsor regarding the number of meeting I am going to, my level of commitment to the program and a question of whether or not she plans to remain my sponsor. I was pretty upset by it, as I was under the assumption that she knew that I was taking in as many meetings as I could fit in- so this EMAIL came as somewhat of a suprise. But I was not going to question her boundaries, so I emailed her back, told her that I really cannot increase my "program intake" because I don't have the time, and if I do it "cause she says so" I will only resent her for it. She has since contacted me via email and a phone call and I have not called her or emailed her back yet. There really isn't a whole lot to say, I guess. I'm angry about it. It's not that I don't CARE what she has to say, of course I do, and in the second email and the voice mail, she suggested that perhaps she should not have sent it to ME (apparently she sent it to ALL the girls she sponsors!). I don't know. All I know is that I felt kind of rejected and misunderstood by someone who seemed to so convincingly tell me that she UNDERSTOOD why I was not going to as many meetings right now. She's human, and she did somewhat apoligize in her message. And I know that I should let it go- but the truth is, I am NOT working my program the way I know she would like me to so perhaps I will just consistently feel like I am disappointing her.

But it IS a program of suggestion and there are no rules to how many meetings you HAVE to go to. When I was participating in the online Al-Anon message board, I was VERY involved with that. Daily. And I had not stepped foot inside a meeting for a year, but you could not tell me I didn't have a program. Because daily I was sharing experience, strength, and hope with people in that group. Sometimes we talked on the phone to each other. Some of the girls sponsered each other. We talked about the steps, the traditions, we had 'group conscious' by way of online voting. The online message boards were never meant to substitute for meetings- but as long as you are getting the message... as long as we were benefiting from the gifts of the program- it's program.

I don't know, I'm twisted up about it. I don't know what the hell to do. Just like I don't have the time to go to a meeting, I don't have the time to deal with whatever I am feeling about this. Not right now. Even as it is, the 20 minutes it took to type this, I should have been getting the babies dressed so I can go pick up thier brother from his dad's...while I practice my presentation in the car.