HNT- for the Boobies!!!

So I read the post about the Boobie-thon and changed my originally planned HNT that I didn't really like anyway.

I don't usually show this much on this blog- but like most of the bloggers who saw Os's post tonight, well it's a special occasion!!

You will have to click for it.

Here and Here!!

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!!!

SuperTwat Hot Mama

Yeah- maybe I am just not original enough with my MySpace name. I just go by "Julie." Seems easy, obvious. My niece goes by Kya Cupcake. Which I think is adorable. And I love cupcakes. Most of my friends just use their names, but I have seen others, in my age group, who use clever little names. For instance I just got an email from "Snatch my 2, Kum back on 4's."

Yeah, I don't get it either.

His email said I was "Fine Ass Hell." Does that mean I am Fine AS Hell? Or Hell, I have a Fine Ass? Something about my Ass, and Hell. Doesn't sound too promising.

So maybe I should come up with a super cool myspace name. Just Julie is easy. "Julie is Easy." Maybe I should go with that.

Super Hot.
Super Twat.

The choices are endless.

nooooooooooo

I will not. WILL NOT- get sucked into this years "The Bachelor". I don't care how cute this Texas Cowboy is or how crazy bitchy dramatic these broads get. I won't do it. No no no no no!!!!!

Dancin with the stars is back!!

Oh I love this show. I'm not familiar with the men dancing, only Wayne Fucken Newton!!!! I'm excited to see him dancing. I just think he's gonna be so slick.

Tonights it's the women dancing.

Jenny Garth out of the gate. Not bad. She needs to loosen up a bit. But she's so pretty it's hard not to stare. All made up, she STILL looks like Kelli. Don't get me started on 90210. I watched the season finale, and that anniversary thing. But I stopped watching RELIGIOUSLY when Kelli and Brandon didn't get married. I felt robbed- really. After all that time- I felt they owed me that one.

Josie Maran. Supermodel. She introduced herself as a supermodel. Ouch. That was not pretty. I loved the judges comment "the only consistent thing was that your footwork was horrible." Particularly harsh, but that doesn't mean it's not true.

Sabrina the Cheetah Girl. I loved that movie. She's a dancer, so I had high hopes going in. WOW!!! She kicked ass!!!
Kicked
Fucking
Ass

The judged didn't like her hiphop mixed in, but her Cha Cha was fantastic.

(side note- my son is on the other PC here- having a 12 year old boy 'hissy fit' because his headphones are wrapped up in his chair. I told him to stop crying and get off his ass and actually LOOK at the cord that is wrapped up. It's like watching my ex husband try to hook up a stereo system. Lots of cussing and whipping of hands! I am trying not to laugh at him.)

Ok- Marie Osmond. Oh I just love her. She's so funny "Single, over 45, alotta kids." HA HA!!! LOVE HER. I loved her TV show. I love Donny. Yeah, I said it. I think people will love her because she is loveable and LIKEABLE. Her dancing was classy, and she's just so genuine. "I'm not gonna throw in the towel- I hate laundry." Oh, that is such a great line!!!

Left to dance is Mel the Spicegirl (didn't she have Eddie Murphy's baby)- and Jane Seymour. I think Jayne Seymour could kick her ass if needed. But then again, Scary Spice. She has on bright green legwarmers in rehearsal. yeah, that's scary. But her performance was good. Not exciting, but very good. And I DO love her partner Maksim. He's a sexy imported yummy cookie, that one.



Jane Seymour is elegant. Bond Girl, Medicine Woman. I hope she does well. Oh... her story is so nice. She wanted to BE a dancer, but had an injury at 16. awwwww. She's so graceful, beautiful. Gave me chills. I'm so glad to see that.

So those were the women. I suspect the Supermodel will be the first woman to go, simply because she is just out of her element.

Did you watch?? what did you think???

Please do not feed the ASS!!!

And no, this is not a post about anal sex.

Aside from my key (see below) breaking in half (It did NOT break off IN the ignition, thank God.) I can safely say that I did almost nothing else but EAT all week. I am not kidding. All junk, all the time. My ass is at an all time Non-pregnancy HIGH!! And at the moment- I don't give a damn. Really, I don't.

Food is my friend.
Food makes me happy.
Food TASTES good.

I am sure that I'm on the verge of another "oh my god I'm a fat cow and I need to lose weight" crisis- but today I'm just not gonna roll with it, and enjoy the fact that Claim Jumper frozen pies were buy one get one FREE last week. And you know October is $5.99 pies at Marie Calendar's. God bless Marie. She's a peach, that gal.

I got my hair cut today. I got six inches cut off. It doesn't look very different, just shorter in back. At the moment I look "just been laid" cause I drove home with my windows open so my hair 'airdried'. Curly girls do the "just been laid" look better than anyone else.



What do you think???

recap

Did I mention that this is how my week went???

HNT- my favorite sleep shirt

When moved out at 18 I had a long green t-shirt. I loved it and I wore it until it was holey and thin. My first husband learned to hate it. I had others, but for some reason, I loved the green one. After spending the night at my sisters and having to wear a tank top under the shirt so my tits didn't show thru, she bought me a new one for Christmas. This was several years ago. Maybe 1o years.

I don't wear it often. For at least three years I wore maternity clothes and nursing gowns. (dead sexy) For a few years BEFORE the mom-sleepwear I wore sexy nighties. Now I'm back to the t-shirts. I have some tank tops, a red old navy T, and my old green t-shirt. I love it. What do you think??








Happy Half Nekkid Thursday.

the down side

I could not sleep last night. I had so much on my mind and I was in a mental twirl. The e-husband had gone to bed early and I had dozed off on the couch for about an hour. So when I attempted to actually crawl into bed at the decent hour of 11, I just lay there. Wide awake.

I was thinking about my friend who confided that her 20 year marriage is going down the tubes. I'm such a fucking asshole sometimes and I said "After 20 years, why bother moving on?" But I wish I hadn't said it- because I would never mean to make light of someone elses situation, simply because I make light of my own. She said that her husband blamed HER for his 'bad behavior'- and said that she drove him to this other woman. She said she felt unworthy. It pissed me off, and made me feel guilty. I remember telling Paul, "Well maybe if you hadn't been such a bastard....." What a cunt I was back then. And sometimes I do feel quite justified in my actions and my thinking, but really- I make my own decisions.

"Oh, as if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a moment, when you think 'I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it', and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one." - Alice, Closer

I told her that no matter what he says, it's not HER fault.

Three gals, all at different ages and stages of marriage:

Age 27, recently filed for divorce.
Age 35, separated and in limbo.
Age 49, married and in turmoil.

We talked about comfort and consistency. Why we stayed, and when it's time to go. How we loved the men they were, or who we thought they were- but then realized that we have no idea who they ARE. How age and time and experience has changed our views. E-husband and I have been together so long, I can't imagine being without him. I am almost resigned to that. She (49) said that she never wants to simply be 'tolerated'. And I think that is where I am with him. I 'tolerate' it. It's not an unbearable situation so I'm trying to see if I can make it stick in my head. It doesn't mean it's good- it means that it's just not unbearable.

While laying in bed, I thought about the last 10 years. The first two years. All it took was for one person to cuddle up to the next person and we were all over each other within minutes. Connected, loving, and everything seemed good. Who were those people? What happened to them? Did they ever really exist?? Out of loneliness, a longing for the familiar- I rolled over and layed up against him. I hooked my arm over his and caressed his bare shoulder until he woke up. It wasn't that I wanted sex, but I just wanted to know... something.

He woke up and shrugged me off. Got out of bed, went into the restroom. He was sick. I hadn't noticed earlier- but I could hear him throwing up.

That couple is gone. I need to wrap my head around THAT. It won't ever be what it was. It won't ever be what I want it to be. Like all couples, we have periods when things are calm, when things are hectic, when things are rough. But it's the quiet moments at 2AM in the dark. When you reach for each other. When your legs touch under the blanket, and the best you can do to connect is just stay touching and not move away from each other. It may not seem like much, but sometimes it's all you have. Maybe I should have just opted for the leg touching under the blankets- but with his nerve damage, he would not have felt me there and while we may have seemed connected, really we wouldn't be because someone wasn't making a choice to move or stay.

And that is pretty much how it is all the time.

unscenic views

This morning the sun looked HUGE. Actually I thought it was the sun, but then when I went back to take another picture 10 minutes later- it seemed to have moved down, so I thought it was the moon, and not the sun. Now I'm not so sure. But either way, it was so big it looked like you could just drive a few hours and be right there to touch it.



The picture looks like it's still dark out, but it was almost 7AM at this point. I am learning to adjust the lighting on my camera so less light is absorbed in a bright setting. It was a very bright and glaring sun/moon, but I was able to darken the picture to get the lit object. I was proud of myself on that one.

I wish I had really good things to take pictures of, but I realize that I just don't live in a 'pretty' neighborhood. For all the awesomeness of Sunny California- I just don't reside in the aesthetically pleasing parts. There's no gardens, no areas of trees, no mountains, no water. At least not in the small circle of my world. Maybe I just need to leave the house more often, or go in search of things to photograph. I know there is beauty out there- I'm dying to see it.

The new camera HNT!!!

The e-husband is in town this week and is helping me with some pictures. That's been fun (wink wink, nudge nudge).

These are the tamer pictures.

Finally Fall

So it's not really Fall yet, but the fall semesters at school have begun.

Danny is in pre-school, Gabe is in Kindergarten, Alex is in Junior High- and I'm a senior in college.

Life feels normal again.

Amen.






Gabe is also becoming quite the photographer too. This week is the 10 year anniversary of our first date. We went out and shot pool and drank beer. He had me at the first kiss.


10 years later, and we still look like a pretty normal couple.

new camera

I treated myself to a new camera. Mine got stolen in the break in. It was the only thing they took. I love taking pictures but I don't know how to use all the functions. I need "digital photography for dummies" or something.


I want to go out today and just take pictures of stuff. Everything and nothing.



I love black and white pictures, they just change things. It changes the feel of the picture.


I have no motivation to write lately. I don't know why. I am uninspired and stagnant. Maybe this will help. I just want to people watch. There is so much human emotion out there- and lately, I feel none of it.

HNT- jailbait

Since I was going through old pictures, I thought I would take some time to post some of them. This was spring break 1986. I was 14 years old. The summer before the boobs came in. When I could still wear half shirts and dolphin shorts. I was a twig, and even then I thought I was fat and I hated my body.

This was the summer I met Matt Patterson and who was my first long distance boyfriend.

He lived approximately 10.5 miles away from me.

Ahhh the unfairness of it all.

medical record funnies

"Unfortunately, the patient fell out of bed and landed on 2 cans of green beans."


(I couldn't make this up.)

It's only Kindergarten

Today was hectic. Today was Gabe's first day of Kindergarten. He was excited, he was dressed in his new digs and had his new Spiderman Backpack. Everything was perfect...

until we got to school...

Then, in perfect Gabe form- he decided he did not WANT to be in Kindergarten. He wanted to go home. He wanted to go back to Ms. Melanie's class. He wanted to be with Danny. He didn't want to sit, he didn't want to listen. He wanted to scream and cry- loudly.

He did calm down, and really it didn't last long. By 9:30 I was out the door and he was fine for the rest of the day. I picked him up at 1PM and he was all smiles!! In all, I guess it was not as bad as it seemed at the time- but I never really know what to do. At home, I walk away from the tantrum or try to option him elsewhere. But in school, there are not a lot of options. I mean, I could have walked away and risk letting him scream for the rest of the day. Or I could try to reason with him and grow increasingly angry. I am never sure what to do- and none of the teachers were helping me. I just wanted someone to say, "why don't you try this?" So while Gabe and I were off to the side managing his tantrum- I started to cry. I cried in Kindergarten today. I was just frustrated. And alone.

I can't help but take it personally somehow.

Tomorrow will be better. I know it.

My love and knife

We were with the e-husband yesterday for Gabe's birthday. We had a really fun day with minimal stress. He didn't come back home with us as planned, and while I was apprehensive at first about him coming to visit, I admit I was a bit disappointed when he said he wasn't coming back with us.

It's hard to explain. I don't know that I understand it myself. In the pool, we cuddled up a bit. Nothing inappropriate, but you know- he had his arms around me and such. During the day when we met in the hall, or someplace private, we would kiss. He would brush his arm over my shoulder or across my back when he walked by me. Things that seem perfectly normal for a married couple.

But nothing is perfectly normal for us. We are not a perfect OR normal and I we are not really a couple. We're just still married.

The problem is that I am still in love with him. I still wish for a life with him, where things are not the way we are now. I still somewhat hope for that slim chance that things might turn around for him. He is sick and is always going to be sick- but there are levels of sick. Sick and manageable, sick and unmanageable, and hospitalized. He is sick and manageable about 50% of the time and that 50% is pretty decent. When he's here, he helps out. He takes care of the kids and cooks and cleans and he is very husband-like. It's the OTHER 50% that makes our life together damn near impossible. 50% is not enough when you need to rely on someone at any moment. 50% of the time means that there is a better than average chance that when I come home after having a horrible day- chances are, he will be sick, in bed, in a lousy mood and debating whether or not to go to the hospital.

I have been advised both ways. That I should cut and run, or that I should stay and be the wife that I vowed to be (knowing full well at the time that it he was an alcoholic and it was not going to be an easy road). Maybe I didn't know exactly HOW hard of road it was going to be, but who does?? That if he was hit by a car and severely injured, would I leave him?? Of course not. Even if he was jaywalking and was hit and severely injured, I probably wouldn't leave him for being sick. Even if that meant he was wheelchairbound and needed help with all the everyday living stuff. His illness was self inflicted (or at least the result of a bad choices and denial). I am just unsure if my problem is that he's sick, or is it that I can't forgive him for the bad choices and denial that got him sick.

Will I ever be ready and willing to forgive and move on? Will I ever stop dredging up the bullshit that we went through when he was drinking, and drugging? Will I ever stop being ashamed? What does it take to truly find forgiveness.

Nobody judges my husband more than I do. And really, what right do I have? If I am talking about being a 'good spouse'- am I the pot or the kettle??

I am not so perfect, you know??