So Albertson was having a nice little 8 hour sale.
lunch meat
bottled water
cherries
gatorade
cereal
chicken
Since I was gone all day I offered to let Michael go to the store. I gave him the ad and said to get everything on it (minus the vodka) and then he wrote down a few other things.
He first went to the wrong store. I told him he needed to go to Albertsons cause that is where everything was on sale, so he left and went to the right store.
He came home an hour later. He had a few things that were on the other list. He forgot:
the lunch meat
the bottled water
cherries
gatorade
chicken
He brought home two things of ice cream, 4 boxes of candy, two Starbucks coffee drinks and a box of cookies.
HELLO DIABETES!!!
What in the holy hell?!?!
So for everything he got, he spent $75- and I still need to shop for food.
About Me
- Julie
- Using my 40's as a do-over for my thirties, only smarter. I often mistake the bees and honey reference with the one about free milk and a cow. This might explain my whole life.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
By the Pool HNT
Where I want to spend the weekend.
Reading this book
Listening to The Hold Steady on my iPod
Out by the pool, relaxing.
Just add drink. I'll take a Captain and Diet, please.
Since I am missing the bachelorette party in Palm Springs, it's only right that I am there in spirit by celebrating here at home. Have fun girls!!
Happy HNT!!
Reading this book
Listening to The Hold Steady on my iPod
Out by the pool, relaxing.
Just add drink. I'll take a Captain and Diet, please.
Since I am missing the bachelorette party in Palm Springs, it's only right that I am there in spirit by celebrating here at home. Have fun girls!!
Happy HNT!!
Why I don't cuddle.
I came home from work yesterday and we decided to go into the pool with the kids. Don't ask me why, but for whatever reason- being in the pool with Michael always sort of makes us closer. I don't know what it is- we tend to sort of cling to each other, probably because that is where we spent a few days after we got married. In a pool and just attached like that. (ok, not like THAT!)
So we were in the pool and I was sort of wrapped around him for most of the time. It was nice, but strange, because we are not usually so close for more than a few seconds. I guess I am just feeling particularly emotional right now. PMS? Or maybe I'm just feeling strangely empty with my anxiety.
Last night I went to bed, mostly undressed. I wasn't wanting or expecting any kind of sex, but I admit I just wanted to be close. To him, to someone. Life gets lonely and the nature of my life while it seems quite interesting to some, can quite often still be a pretty lonely existence at the end of the day. So he barelt notices, and leaves the room.
2 minutes.... 4 minutes... 7 minutes... What the fuck? I called him and asked him to come to bed.
Yes- I ASKED HIM TO COME TO BED.
9 minutes... 12 minutes... 15 minutes.
Fuck this- I got up and got dressed.
22 minutes later he comes to bed. I am hurt and just totally defeated. He comes to bed. The words exchanged are not nice, they are not at all warm or comforting or anything.
He's fucked up. He's got issues upon issues. A long time ago, a therapist told us- told ME, that WE will never be able to work things out until HE gets well. That he will never be able to tend to my needs until he can take care of his own. That if I decide to stay in this marriage, I simply CANNOT expect him to play an active roll for ME- until he deals with his own problems first. any attempts that he makes to work on the marriage or efforts he makes towards me will be shallow and shortlived, even if the intention is there. So you know, sorry sister- you come second. Get a tattoo- don't forget. EVER.
I was SO reminded of that last night. I admit, I lashed out at him for it. Sometimes, not often, but SOMETIMES I need my HUSBAND to be able to effectively make me feel better. Everyone once in a while I should be allowed to feel like I fucking matter.
Apparently it's just not my turn yet.
So we were in the pool and I was sort of wrapped around him for most of the time. It was nice, but strange, because we are not usually so close for more than a few seconds. I guess I am just feeling particularly emotional right now. PMS? Or maybe I'm just feeling strangely empty with my anxiety.
Last night I went to bed, mostly undressed. I wasn't wanting or expecting any kind of sex, but I admit I just wanted to be close. To him, to someone. Life gets lonely and the nature of my life while it seems quite interesting to some, can quite often still be a pretty lonely existence at the end of the day. So he barelt notices, and leaves the room.
2 minutes.... 4 minutes... 7 minutes... What the fuck? I called him and asked him to come to bed.
Yes- I ASKED HIM TO COME TO BED.
9 minutes... 12 minutes... 15 minutes.
Fuck this- I got up and got dressed.
22 minutes later he comes to bed. I am hurt and just totally defeated. He comes to bed. The words exchanged are not nice, they are not at all warm or comforting or anything.
He's fucked up. He's got issues upon issues. A long time ago, a therapist told us- told ME, that WE will never be able to work things out until HE gets well. That he will never be able to tend to my needs until he can take care of his own. That if I decide to stay in this marriage, I simply CANNOT expect him to play an active roll for ME- until he deals with his own problems first. any attempts that he makes to work on the marriage or efforts he makes towards me will be shallow and shortlived, even if the intention is there. So you know, sorry sister- you come second. Get a tattoo- don't forget. EVER.
I was SO reminded of that last night. I admit, I lashed out at him for it. Sometimes, not often, but SOMETIMES I need my HUSBAND to be able to effectively make me feel better. Everyone once in a while I should be allowed to feel like I fucking matter.
Apparently it's just not my turn yet.
Monday, July 28, 2008
It's my leather anniversary
My anniversary is on Friday. Nine years. NINE. Leather- as in bondage. Yeah... typical.
It's amazing that we made it this long, considering that we've been through so much. Lets put ASIDE the drinking and the drugs. We've gone through and continue to go through some serious financially lean times. We are a one income family. Two kids that were unplanned. The death of his grandparents. The moving away of both of our older kids. The death of his brother in law.
We went through a bankruptcy, and eviction, stolen cars, repo'ed cars, and break-ins.
On TOP of that, there was the drinking the first few years, the drugs for a few years and then the health problems for the last four or five years. And me going to school and just the stresses of having a family.
Nine years, and not really ONE of them could be signified as GOOD.
The year after Gabriel was born was the LEAST bad. His drinking at the time was limited to once a week. He was diagnosed with diabetes, but it wasn't all that bad. He was only hospitalized 4 times that year. Then I got pregnant with Danny, and well- it all REALLY went to hell.
The other day he commented that he wished we could do something nice for our anniversary. Yeah, well, you know I can't afford to take us out to some place nice, and really what for?
What are we celebrating anyway?
Here's to another year without bloodshed...
yeah- sure.
It's amazing that we made it this long, considering that we've been through so much. Lets put ASIDE the drinking and the drugs. We've gone through and continue to go through some serious financially lean times. We are a one income family. Two kids that were unplanned. The death of his grandparents. The moving away of both of our older kids. The death of his brother in law.
We went through a bankruptcy, and eviction, stolen cars, repo'ed cars, and break-ins.
On TOP of that, there was the drinking the first few years, the drugs for a few years and then the health problems for the last four or five years. And me going to school and just the stresses of having a family.
Nine years, and not really ONE of them could be signified as GOOD.
The year after Gabriel was born was the LEAST bad. His drinking at the time was limited to once a week. He was diagnosed with diabetes, but it wasn't all that bad. He was only hospitalized 4 times that year. Then I got pregnant with Danny, and well- it all REALLY went to hell.
The other day he commented that he wished we could do something nice for our anniversary. Yeah, well, you know I can't afford to take us out to some place nice, and really what for?
What are we celebrating anyway?
Here's to another year without bloodshed...
yeah- sure.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Why I like Twitter
I am trying to convince the Athiest to use Twitter. I think all my friends should use it. Most of my friends like to update their myspace updates and let people know what they are doing all day. Sometimes I see random updates like this...
But if you don't Twitter, you should try it. And follow me- cause I will follow you.
On the train back to NYC. Thinking and talking to my 'rents was good. Feel some restoration of focusSee and I think... Oh I miss NYC and I think I did some very good thinking on that train. And I should go visit my mom today. Twitter satisfies some of the voyeur in me. Just some of it. The rest of it is satisfied by porn and stuff.
But if you don't Twitter, you should try it. And follow me- cause I will follow you.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Save my soul
I found this video on another blog and strangely on the same day as the event I will describe below.
So while I will ignore the animation, I will tell a weird tale. When I was 14, I was pursued and eventually dated a boy. My first boyfriend and my first love. He was my first real experimentation with sex, although we never had sex.
After about 6 months of going out, he became distant and said that I was too needy. I relied on him for too much and he didn't like that I wanted to spend my every minute with him. Now, this was news to me, because up until this point, it's what HE wanted also.
After 6 months, he met another girl and broke up with me. I was devastated for a long time. I comforted myself by going out and making out with his friends (who were also my friends) behind his back all the while somewhat waiting for him to come back. I waited for almost a year. The whole time trying to be his friend, supportive and cheerful but always waiting for him to tell me he wanted me back. It was a wretched time, and I remember still allowing him to sort of wander in and out of my life. He was very critical of me, and while we only dated for 6 months of my sophmore year, it is he who I really identify to as the "High School Boyfriend."
My senior year he wrote me a letter telling me he was still in love with me and that he wanted me to break up with the boyfriend I had so we could start again. I remember being both sad and happy and that I was going to break up with that boyfriend so he and I could start again. I told him I wanted to talk to him after school about it- and this is when he confessed, rather hatefully that he was kidding and just wanted to see what I would do. I was devastated, but you know, I still had a boyfriend. It was mostly then, that I realized the it was over between us forever and he had become this hateful mean person. I couldn't understand why he hated me so much, he had broken up with ME after all.
So yesterday I found him on Facebook. I had sort of looked for him over the years but his name is insanely common, so I never really knew. This time, it was him as plain as day. I friended him on Facebook, exclaiming, "Holy crap! How the hell are you." He emailed me later that day- and to be honest we have spent the better part of the last 24 hours catching up.
It occurred to me, just yesterday that the relationship we had was really dysfunctional. He was very controlling and I was very accommodating. He was 14, although for some reason he always seemed older than me. We turned 15 at the same time and he was already driving, he had a job. He took care of things and I adored him. I wanted nothing more than to please him and to keep that steady flow of love and attention he gave me. I clung to him to save me from the fact that my step dad hated me and my real father was dead. I was a pushover and people pleaser and he seemed to really care about me and what made me happy. Of course, what made me happy- was making him happy and being a part of that 'coupleness.'
What he also told me in our talk, was his side of things. He admitted to me that he started to pull away because he wanted more than he could truly handle. He wasn't prepared to manage his own life and mine too. So when he pulled away I felt abandoned and confused. I wasn't sure what I had done wrong and I did all I could to make it right. However as he tells me, he saw me making out with one of his friends- and that is the ultimate reason why he broke up with me.
Now I don't remember this event. I know who he is talking about- because yes I did hook up with him LATER. I do NOT remember making out with this guy when I was in this relationship. Not at all. I remember being so in love with him and it seem unfathomable that I would do such a thing. I won't begrudge him this, because he apparently remembers it quite vividly and admitted that it broke his heart and caused damage for many years to come.
While I don't remember doing it, I have to admit- it doesn't sound at all UNLIKE me. I don't walk away from relationships when I should- and I have been known to find comfort elsewhere when things get rocky. I just didn't realize that I was doing it THEN. I didn't realize that the pattern probably BEGAN here, and never stopped. Ever.
I apologized as much as I could for an event that I don't recall but truly affected us both. For at least a YEAR I waited for him to come back. I tried to be a supportive friend because we hung out in the same circles. He would get close and then push me away. He would be a friend, and then me really mean and hateful. He would tell me he loved me, and then tell me he hated me. I didn't understand what I had done wrong. He NEVER told me that he saw me kissing his friend. He never confronted me, he just left me- and then continued to punish me for it. While I guess I should not have been so shocked about it-considering what I did... if I thought he didn't know, well perhaps my thinking was that it didn't "really" happen. I don't know.
It makes me sad though, to think how hung up I was on him and for how long. How much I loved him and to know now that what he really wanted was for me to say that I was sorry. That I loved him, and somehow show him that I wasn't this horrible person who did the horrible thing. However, I didn't know- and I just kept being me. Thinking he was done and over me, so talking to him about boyfriends and such (trying to keep up the sense of normalcy and "I'm moving on-ery" but trying to make him jealous) continued to break his heart.
Jesus.
It was so long ago. Who would have thought that a 22 year old relationship even mattered now. In some ways, it doesn't. I mean- it's water under the bridge and he and I have made our peace and all is forgiven. However, it really does matter to me. It mattered to him. I'm glad we talked, I'm glad we had closure. It has been very enlightening.
It's interesting to me though- the patterns that began then, and how they still sort of hold true even now. How for all of my growth and such- I still tend to cling to that illusion of safety and coupleness when it appears and how I still don't walk away when I clearly should. How in some ways, maybe I have reverted back to that 14 year old girl who just can't deal with the abandonment of the one who promised to love her until the end of time.
What he also told me in our talk, was his side of things. He admitted to me that he started to pull away because he wanted more than he could truly handle. He wasn't prepared to manage his own life and mine too. So when he pulled away I felt abandoned and confused. I wasn't sure what I had done wrong and I did all I could to make it right. However as he tells me, he saw me making out with one of his friends- and that is the ultimate reason why he broke up with me.
Now I don't remember this event. I know who he is talking about- because yes I did hook up with him LATER. I do NOT remember making out with this guy when I was in this relationship. Not at all. I remember being so in love with him and it seem unfathomable that I would do such a thing. I won't begrudge him this, because he apparently remembers it quite vividly and admitted that it broke his heart and caused damage for many years to come.
While I don't remember doing it, I have to admit- it doesn't sound at all UNLIKE me. I don't walk away from relationships when I should- and I have been known to find comfort elsewhere when things get rocky. I just didn't realize that I was doing it THEN. I didn't realize that the pattern probably BEGAN here, and never stopped. Ever.
I apologized as much as I could for an event that I don't recall but truly affected us both. For at least a YEAR I waited for him to come back. I tried to be a supportive friend because we hung out in the same circles. He would get close and then push me away. He would be a friend, and then me really mean and hateful. He would tell me he loved me, and then tell me he hated me. I didn't understand what I had done wrong. He NEVER told me that he saw me kissing his friend. He never confronted me, he just left me- and then continued to punish me for it. While I guess I should not have been so shocked about it-considering what I did... if I thought he didn't know, well perhaps my thinking was that it didn't "really" happen. I don't know.
It makes me sad though, to think how hung up I was on him and for how long. How much I loved him and to know now that what he really wanted was for me to say that I was sorry. That I loved him, and somehow show him that I wasn't this horrible person who did the horrible thing. However, I didn't know- and I just kept being me. Thinking he was done and over me, so talking to him about boyfriends and such (trying to keep up the sense of normalcy and "I'm moving on-ery" but trying to make him jealous) continued to break his heart.
Jesus.
It was so long ago. Who would have thought that a 22 year old relationship even mattered now. In some ways, it doesn't. I mean- it's water under the bridge and he and I have made our peace and all is forgiven. However, it really does matter to me. It mattered to him. I'm glad we talked, I'm glad we had closure. It has been very enlightening.
It's interesting to me though- the patterns that began then, and how they still sort of hold true even now. How for all of my growth and such- I still tend to cling to that illusion of safety and coupleness when it appears and how I still don't walk away when I clearly should. How in some ways, maybe I have reverted back to that 14 year old girl who just can't deal with the abandonment of the one who promised to love her until the end of time.
Good morning, yesterday
I am working on a slideshow for my brothers upcoming wedding so I got a ton of pictures from my mom. I found some of these and I think they are pretty cool so I thought I'd share them.
My dad. I guess he was somewhere in his 20's here. He died when I was 9. He was 48. What a pimp huh??
My dad. One of the family vacations. Daddy was short, bald. Yeah- I got issues.
This is the only family photo like this that we ever took. I always loved it. Look how cute I am.
That dress was my favorite. I only got to wear it for special occasions, and there were never enough occasions to wear it. The white trim had read hearts, and the red had white hearts. I can still see it in my mind.
This was after my step dads funeral in January 1993. Man, I was thin- my mouth looks HUGE!!! And yes, the same fucking hair.
My grandparents 50's wedding anniversary in December of 1995. Is Rick wearing a sparkly suit?? The next pimp of the family. My Opa looks so handsome.
One of my all time favorite pictures. Me, Lori and Ris. We think this was 1977.
This is my favorite. Me and Pam. 1974.
Yes, our house was dark green with a gravel driveway until somewhere in the 80's I guess. It was later, and is now- tan with some decent landscaping and a new family in it- but our names and handprints are still engraved in the driveway.
Good morning, yesterday
You wake up and time has slipped away
And suddenly it's hard to find
The memories you left behind
Remember, do you remember
The laughter and the tears
The shadows of misty yesteryears
The good times and the bad you've seen
And all the others in between
Remember, do you remember
The times of your life
Reach back for the joy and the sorrow
Put them away in your mind
The mem'ries are time that you borrow
To spend when you get to tomorrow
Here comes the saddest part
The seasons are passing one by one
So gather moments while you may
Collect the dreams you dream today
Remember, will you remember
The times of your life
Gather moments while you may
Collect the dreams you dream today
Remember, will you remember
The times of your life
My dad. I guess he was somewhere in his 20's here. He died when I was 9. He was 48. What a pimp huh??
My mom. Age 19. On top of a Ford Fairlane. She was still new to America. She hated it when she first got here. She left a whole life behind her in Holland. Sometimes I wonder if she is still bitter for having to leave.
My mom again. Age 27. I think this may have been the year before I was born.
My dad. One of the family vacations. Daddy was short, bald. Yeah- I got issues.
This is the only family photo like this that we ever took. I always loved it. Look how cute I am.
That dress was my favorite. I only got to wear it for special occasions, and there were never enough occasions to wear it. The white trim had read hearts, and the red had white hearts. I can still see it in my mind.
This was after my step dads funeral in January 1993. Man, I was thin- my mouth looks HUGE!!! And yes, the same fucking hair.
My grandparents 50's wedding anniversary in December of 1995. Is Rick wearing a sparkly suit?? The next pimp of the family. My Opa looks so handsome.
One of my all time favorite pictures. Me, Lori and Ris. We think this was 1977.
This is my favorite. Me and Pam. 1974.
Yes, our house was dark green with a gravel driveway until somewhere in the 80's I guess. It was later, and is now- tan with some decent landscaping and a new family in it- but our names and handprints are still engraved in the driveway.
Good morning, yesterday
You wake up and time has slipped away
And suddenly it's hard to find
The memories you left behind
Remember, do you remember
The laughter and the tears
The shadows of misty yesteryears
The good times and the bad you've seen
And all the others in between
Remember, do you remember
The times of your life
Reach back for the joy and the sorrow
Put them away in your mind
The mem'ries are time that you borrow
To spend when you get to tomorrow
Here comes the saddest part
The seasons are passing one by one
So gather moments while you may
Collect the dreams you dream today
Remember, will you remember
The times of your life
Gather moments while you may
Collect the dreams you dream today
Remember, will you remember
The times of your life
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Expert HNT
I'm not a beginner when it comes to sex toys.
When a toy is described as "GREAT FOR BEGINNERS", that needs to be a note that it's not for me.
What's on my mind? hmmm- DICK??
Check my review on it. It's not BAD- it's just not for advanced users.
Like me.
Happy HNT- go find out who else is getting Half Nekkid!!!
When a toy is described as "GREAT FOR BEGINNERS", that needs to be a note that it's not for me.
What's on my mind? hmmm- DICK??
Check my review on it. It's not BAD- it's just not for advanced users.
Like me.
Happy HNT- go find out who else is getting Half Nekkid!!!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Spittin my game
Ok that's just the funniest thing I've heard all day and even better than it was said between two 14 year olds.
14 year old boy: Wanna go to the mall and hang out?
14 year old girl: I have a boyfriend, you know that.
14 year old boy: C'mon I'm spittin my game at ya!
14 year old girl: You're what?
14 year old boy: Spittin my game! C'mon babe, I got money in the bank.
riiiiiiiight.....
14 year old boy: Wanna go to the mall and hang out?
14 year old girl: I have a boyfriend, you know that.
14 year old boy: C'mon I'm spittin my game at ya!
14 year old girl: You're what?
14 year old boy: Spittin my game! C'mon babe, I got money in the bank.
riiiiiiiight.....
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Dick spiders
So a few weeks back my BFF confided in me that her daughter is having sex. Her teenage daughter, in the lower teens. Ahk and holy fuck.
She asked to be put on the pill and her mom decided to wait on that one- but now that she knows her daughter is actually doing it, well I suspect she won't wait any longer. It's scary. The pill used to be the only protection we needed.
When I was younger it was the only protection that I needed. I didn't use a condom until I was way into my 20's. Jesus- after my first marriage!! I irresponsibly admit that I don't like them. Which explains all three of my children.
However, now, the pill is not enough for safe sex. It's enough to prevent pregnancy, but it's not about pregnancy anymore. Great, you're not knocked up- but here's some chlamydia, with a side order of the CLAP and HPV to make it interesting.
Now, it's been told to me that just about EVERYONE who had sex in the 80's and 90's has been exposed to HPV. My doctor once told me that unless you are having sex with a virgin, or someone who has never had sex with without any body fluid contact (you get me), chances are you've been exposed to HPV and it's almost not worth mentioning. That's scary- but it's a fact of life. However, it's still important to wear a condom.
What worries me is that my son... oh god I can't even believe I will bring this up.... will probably have sex with someone who is most likely (but not positively) a virgin in the "sooner than I'd like to admit" future. If she's on the pill, then he may be convinced, like most young girls still ARE these days, that the biggest fear is pregnancy. Jesus.... I don't know the statistics, help me out if you know them. But I would suspect, that it's easier to get an STD than it is to get pregnant.
Condom condom condom. Talking to my BFF about her daughter who is barely older than my kid, it reminds me- that I need to talk to my kid about this. A LOT! I need to made sure he knows, with GREAT certainty that a condom is REQUIRED.
When he was little I used to tell him that if he didn't keep his hair clean, he would grow spiders in it. He didn't like spiders, and I tell you, I never had trouble washing his hair again. I wonder if the spider analogy will still work. Or I wonder if I tell him that if he doesn't use condoms, bugs will grow there and his dick will fall off.
Hey, maybe that won't EXACTLY happen, but you know- it's not TOTALLY far off.
Teen sex. Yeah, I know it happens. It happened when I was a teen, I was just an OLDER teen- of course that was like a million years ago. So I guess its like inflation. Sex younger, more risk. A higher cost of living.
Fuck.
She asked to be put on the pill and her mom decided to wait on that one- but now that she knows her daughter is actually doing it, well I suspect she won't wait any longer. It's scary. The pill used to be the only protection we needed.
When I was younger it was the only protection that I needed. I didn't use a condom until I was way into my 20's. Jesus- after my first marriage!! I irresponsibly admit that I don't like them. Which explains all three of my children.
However, now, the pill is not enough for safe sex. It's enough to prevent pregnancy, but it's not about pregnancy anymore. Great, you're not knocked up- but here's some chlamydia, with a side order of the CLAP and HPV to make it interesting.
Now, it's been told to me that just about EVERYONE who had sex in the 80's and 90's has been exposed to HPV. My doctor once told me that unless you are having sex with a virgin, or someone who has never had sex with without any body fluid contact (you get me), chances are you've been exposed to HPV and it's almost not worth mentioning. That's scary- but it's a fact of life. However, it's still important to wear a condom.
What worries me is that my son... oh god I can't even believe I will bring this up.... will probably have sex with someone who is most likely (but not positively) a virgin in the "sooner than I'd like to admit" future. If she's on the pill, then he may be convinced, like most young girls still ARE these days, that the biggest fear is pregnancy. Jesus.... I don't know the statistics, help me out if you know them. But I would suspect, that it's easier to get an STD than it is to get pregnant.
Condom condom condom. Talking to my BFF about her daughter who is barely older than my kid, it reminds me- that I need to talk to my kid about this. A LOT! I need to made sure he knows, with GREAT certainty that a condom is REQUIRED.
When he was little I used to tell him that if he didn't keep his hair clean, he would grow spiders in it. He didn't like spiders, and I tell you, I never had trouble washing his hair again. I wonder if the spider analogy will still work. Or I wonder if I tell him that if he doesn't use condoms, bugs will grow there and his dick will fall off.
Hey, maybe that won't EXACTLY happen, but you know- it's not TOTALLY far off.
Teen sex. Yeah, I know it happens. It happened when I was a teen, I was just an OLDER teen- of course that was like a million years ago. So I guess its like inflation. Sex younger, more risk. A higher cost of living.
Fuck.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
take me back
I am back on my meds. Lexapro, 10 mg daily. It's not a huge dose but it's enough to quiet the crazy in me. Unfortunately I having been off of it for a month, it takes a week or so to settle back into my system so it tends to make me hyper for about 4 hours after I take it. Jumpy and ironically, anxious- and then at night I sort of crash. This lasts a week or so, but right now it's kind of a bitch.
4 weeks ago today I was in New York. I can't get that out of my system. I can still feel the energy in the air and the hear the sounds of the street. The click click of the girls in high heels and the stale smell of cigarette smoke and Italian food from the pizza place on almost every corner.
I can still hear the subway cars coming and the feel the wind pushing through the platform. I can still taste that damn Magnolia Cupcake. Fuck that was good.
4 weeks ago today I was in New York. I can't get that out of my system. I can still feel the energy in the air and the hear the sounds of the street. The click click of the girls in high heels and the stale smell of cigarette smoke and Italian food from the pizza place on almost every corner.
I can still hear the subway cars coming and the feel the wind pushing through the platform. I can still taste that damn Magnolia Cupcake. Fuck that was good.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Half Nekkid Thursday
I am tired tonight. We are moving over to Electronic Medical Records and while I've been at my job for almost three years, I feel like today is my first day at the hospital.
I hate learning curves- why can't I just be immediately brilliant??
I hate learning curves- why can't I just be immediately brilliant??
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Just a geek girl
My IT guy, yeah I got a guy- was impressed with my ability to handle some of my computer problems, or at least the fact that I try to fix these things on my own.
He said, "I think you are really just a geek girl."
maybe
"Well, you know, it's kinda hot. But you don't need validation from me."
Um, helloooo.
Here's a crash course about Julie:
Impatient
Dirty minded
More vain than I care to admit
Attention whore
Directions: Tell me that I'm hot and that my tits look great and that you want to screw me.
Tell me often.
Rinse. Repeat.
Last twenty dollars
Not the last twenty forever, just until Wednesday. Ok Thursday. Technically Tuesday cause I can then go to the grocery store and write a check that won't clear until... Thursday. I have gas in my car, and there's sorta food in the house.
Sorta, cause it's all food that needs to be MADE, not like grab and go. This morning I need to buy some bread and some creamer. Maybe I will get the cheaper mocha mix, since we have sugar here. Maybe some waffles. Make that last $20 count.
I can adapt, it's just a few days. I really just need to be sure that the kids have food to eat on Monday- since they will be at my mom's on Tuesday anyway. It's just the way it is sometimes.
The kids don't go hungry. I will go hungry, I don't care about that.
Michael doesn't go hungry. He SHOULD, he just doesn't. I made all three meals for the family yesterday, in attempts to control how much food got eaten. However, after each meal- he would go and eat more. Last night I made meatballs and some noodles for us. He ate the whole thing, didn't really ask if I wanted any. Then a sandwich (less than a half a loaf of bread left!) and the last chicken breast, which was huge and could have fed two people really.
Um, hi. I had a cheeseburger and peanut butter sandwich yesterday. All day- that's what I ate.
Ummmm hello???
Somewhere in the middle of the night, he also ate the last of the eggs.
SERIOUSLY DUDE.
So this morning, there's no eggs, no bread, and no chicken. Wow- there was all of what could have fed the boys all day today.
Selfish.
Self centered.
Douchebaggery.
Sorta, cause it's all food that needs to be MADE, not like grab and go. This morning I need to buy some bread and some creamer. Maybe I will get the cheaper mocha mix, since we have sugar here. Maybe some waffles. Make that last $20 count.
I can adapt, it's just a few days. I really just need to be sure that the kids have food to eat on Monday- since they will be at my mom's on Tuesday anyway. It's just the way it is sometimes.
The kids don't go hungry. I will go hungry, I don't care about that.
Michael doesn't go hungry. He SHOULD, he just doesn't. I made all three meals for the family yesterday, in attempts to control how much food got eaten. However, after each meal- he would go and eat more. Last night I made meatballs and some noodles for us. He ate the whole thing, didn't really ask if I wanted any. Then a sandwich (less than a half a loaf of bread left!) and the last chicken breast, which was huge and could have fed two people really.
Um, hi. I had a cheeseburger and peanut butter sandwich yesterday. All day- that's what I ate.
Ummmm hello???
Somewhere in the middle of the night, he also ate the last of the eggs.
SERIOUSLY DUDE.
So this morning, there's no eggs, no bread, and no chicken. Wow- there was all of what could have fed the boys all day today.
Selfish.
Self centered.
Douchebaggery.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
HNT
The Vacation Pictures you didn't see....
Happy "I've never felt so good" Half Nekkid Thursday!
Love you all.
Happy "I've never felt so good" Half Nekkid Thursday!
Love you all.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
David Cook's love slave.
Yeah that would be me.
So last night I went to the American Idol Concert. It was so great. So much fun. So here's my recap. I had notes, but now I can't find it. Each of the top 10 did 3-4 songs.
10. Chikezie started the show. He was a good choice. He did "Caught Up" by Usher and that was pretty good. He got the crowd going.
9. Ramielle. This girl is so fucking cute it sickening. She's like a lollipop with hair product. Her voice sounded good though. She is not sexy yet. She tried to sing some sort of R and B tune but she didn't pull off the sexy. Adorable and sweet, she sang Taylor Dayne's "Love Will Lead You Back" and it reminded me of someone I loved once. Brought a tear.
8. Michael Johns. Yeah see me screaming like a fucking teenager. He came out with We Will Rock You and then we are the Champion.
It's all Wrong but It's all right. Yeah, panty dropper. right there baby- right there.
I still can't believe he was let go so soon.
7. Christy Lee Cook. She didn't impress me during the show. She should have left the week she sang God Bless the USA, but we all know that song saved her that week, and she sang it yesterday too. I hear she already has a country contract. She did do one really good song
6. Carly Smithson. Oh I love her. Her voice is clean and strong. She came out with "Bring me to Life" from Evanessence and also did "I Drove All Night" by Cyndi Lauper. Behind her on the screen was that neon lights from Times Square (similar to below). I started to cry.
5. Brooke White. She's sweet. She sounded good. She did Let it Be on the Piano and that was good. On the show she kept getting more and more nervous each week. It was very nice to see her just come out and sing. She has a crisp voice, but I wonder, if she got a contract- what would she sing?
The intermission: Why are we watching people play Guitar Hero??
4. Jason Castro. Ok, I didn't like him much on the show. He was good- but he bored me. He didn't have much flexibility. Tonight he sang "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" which is perfect for him. He also did a version of "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley, that I admit was pretty awesome.
3. Sayesha. Fantastic. She sang "Listen" from Beyonce and Dreamgirls. I cried again....
2. David Archuleta. Thousands of pre-teens went into puberty last night. He sings like an angel. Really. His voice is beautiful and the estrogen was at an all time high.
1. Yeah.... you know. He was so good. I screamed like a 12 year old and jumped around and danced and went wild. He opened with "Hello" which was a great song, but with everyone screaming, a more upbeat song might have been better. He did "Time of My Life," "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing," and "My Hero" which was awesome. He total rocked out on that one, in true Rock Star form. It was awesome to see his dreams coming true.
I had such a great time. If you loved Idol this season, or even really liked it a lot, this is a great show.
Cougars for Cook baby... Call me the Captain.
So last night I went to the American Idol Concert. It was so great. So much fun. So here's my recap. I had notes, but now I can't find it. Each of the top 10 did 3-4 songs.
10. Chikezie started the show. He was a good choice. He did "Caught Up" by Usher and that was pretty good. He got the crowd going.
9. Ramielle. This girl is so fucking cute it sickening. She's like a lollipop with hair product. Her voice sounded good though. She is not sexy yet. She tried to sing some sort of R and B tune but she didn't pull off the sexy. Adorable and sweet, she sang Taylor Dayne's "Love Will Lead You Back" and it reminded me of someone I loved once. Brought a tear.
8. Michael Johns. Yeah see me screaming like a fucking teenager. He came out with We Will Rock You and then we are the Champion.
It's all Wrong but It's all right. Yeah, panty dropper. right there baby- right there.
I still can't believe he was let go so soon.
7. Christy Lee Cook. She didn't impress me during the show. She should have left the week she sang God Bless the USA, but we all know that song saved her that week, and she sang it yesterday too. I hear she already has a country contract. She did do one really good song
6. Carly Smithson. Oh I love her. Her voice is clean and strong. She came out with "Bring me to Life" from Evanessence and also did "I Drove All Night" by Cyndi Lauper. Behind her on the screen was that neon lights from Times Square (similar to below). I started to cry.
5. Brooke White. She's sweet. She sounded good. She did Let it Be on the Piano and that was good. On the show she kept getting more and more nervous each week. It was very nice to see her just come out and sing. She has a crisp voice, but I wonder, if she got a contract- what would she sing?
The intermission: Why are we watching people play Guitar Hero??
4. Jason Castro. Ok, I didn't like him much on the show. He was good- but he bored me. He didn't have much flexibility. Tonight he sang "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" which is perfect for him. He also did a version of "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley, that I admit was pretty awesome.
3. Sayesha. Fantastic. She sang "Listen" from Beyonce and Dreamgirls. I cried again....
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
2. David Archuleta. Thousands of pre-teens went into puberty last night. He sings like an angel. Really. His voice is beautiful and the estrogen was at an all time high.
1. Yeah.... you know. He was so good. I screamed like a 12 year old and jumped around and danced and went wild. He opened with "Hello" which was a great song, but with everyone screaming, a more upbeat song might have been better. He did "Time of My Life," "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing," and "My Hero" which was awesome. He total rocked out on that one, in true Rock Star form. It was awesome to see his dreams coming true.
I had such a great time. If you loved Idol this season, or even really liked it a lot, this is a great show.
Cougars for Cook baby... Call me the Captain.
Monday, July 07, 2008
Pics from the weekend
We went out to Canyon Lake yesterday and I took some pictures from the boat. It really is such a nice place to be. If it wasn't so fucking HOT- and if I didn't work like an hour and a half away, it would be a great place to live.
Saturday, July 05, 2008
Movie's I plan to see...
The Wackness
This is only in limited release here in CA. The Athiest insists that I see it right away. I just like that it's the guy from Drake and Josh, all growed up- and that there is a line in the movie that says, "Does this got something to do with Kurt Cobain?
CHOKE
I'm reading this book right now. Well, listening to it. Someone who said that I AM, in fact, a beautiful and unique snowflake recommended it to me. You know, with a line like that- there isn't much I wouldn't do at his recommendation.
Check em out.
This is only in limited release here in CA. The Athiest insists that I see it right away. I just like that it's the guy from Drake and Josh, all growed up- and that there is a line in the movie that says, "Does this got something to do with Kurt Cobain?
CHOKE
I'm reading this book right now. Well, listening to it. Someone who said that I AM, in fact, a beautiful and unique snowflake recommended it to me. You know, with a line like that- there isn't much I wouldn't do at his recommendation.
Check em out.
The internal struggle
I have my meds. I carry them in my purse. I haven't started taking them again yet. I know I should because for days now I have been on the verge of crying. Being in this house is making me feel restless and insane and I don't care what I'm doing, or who is with me- I just feel like I gotta do something. Get the fuck out of this house and do anything other than just sit here.
I'm going to do some laundry today- and then spend more time by the pool, reading my newest book Shampoo Planet. I'm not sure if I'm into the plot line, I haven't found it yet- but the language is great.
I was reading this and wishing I had such insight on such things. However, with limited experiences- I can only write about what I know.
And really, what the hell do I know??
I know that I am better when I'm on my meds. I know that I am less annoyed by the state of my life. The voices are quieted. I can live with the situation as it stands. Considering the decision I've made, then perhaps it's right to keep sucking down the "quiet down, girl" pills and heading down the path of least resistance. It makes it all more tolerable, sort of numbs me and even allows me to have a sense of humor about it. Without, I am restless and intolerant and impatient and dying to make a change. Acutely aware of my loveless, sexless marriage, so much so that I almost cringe when he touches me.
So what's worse?
I'm going to do some laundry today- and then spend more time by the pool, reading my newest book Shampoo Planet. I'm not sure if I'm into the plot line, I haven't found it yet- but the language is great.
"I like hotels because in a hotel room you have no history, you only have an essence. You feel like you're all potential, waiting to be rewritten, like a crisp, blank sheet of 8 1/2 by 11-inch white bond paper. There is no past."
I was reading this and wishing I had such insight on such things. However, with limited experiences- I can only write about what I know.
And really, what the hell do I know??
I know that I am better when I'm on my meds. I know that I am less annoyed by the state of my life. The voices are quieted. I can live with the situation as it stands. Considering the decision I've made, then perhaps it's right to keep sucking down the "quiet down, girl" pills and heading down the path of least resistance. It makes it all more tolerable, sort of numbs me and even allows me to have a sense of humor about it. Without, I am restless and intolerant and impatient and dying to make a change. Acutely aware of my loveless, sexless marriage, so much so that I almost cringe when he touches me.
So what's worse?
Friday, July 04, 2008
Independence
I've starting a savings account. $50 a paycheck and whatever money I make from the affiliate accounts which is usually anywhere from $40 to $100 a month. What am I going to do with this money?
Travel. Maybe not to anyplace spectacular, but you know- I am going back to New York. I'm told the spring is good. I can do it, and maybe even a little cheaper. I loved eating in nice restaurants for every meal, but really- I don't need to do that. I admit, I did like the Marriot.
I will go alone if I have to. I won't be alone for long. I have friends there now. Rock on. I'm going to Vegas in the fall. I'm going to, one of these days, spend the night in San Diego. I've lived here all my life and I've never been to San Diego, other than to get to Sea World.
Michael doesn't like it, but you know- he will learn to deal with it. I simply deserve a little bit of freedom. Alex is old enough to take places with a friend and let loose. I have realized that if I don't force myself to take a break from the bed I've made- I will have more regret than I can stomach.
I admit that my choices are mine- and they don't make sense to a lot of people. They don't have to. I very much describe my relationship as a marriage of convenience to everyone but me. However along with the choices I am making for the benefit of others, it wouldn't not kill me to make some choices for myself. So maybe taking an hour, and eventually a day for myself every week is not feasible. However, taking a few days, once or twice a year... well, that is not only do-able, but perhaps a necessity.
I have been paying for him to smoke a pack a day for the past 9 years combined. (minus about a year total that he has lived elsewhere). At $4 a pack, because we buy in bulk, or the really cheap tobacco- that is close to $1500 a year.
$100 a month is nothing in comparison and it won't give me cancer. Besides, it's my money- right?
Here's to independence. It comes in all forms.
Travel. Maybe not to anyplace spectacular, but you know- I am going back to New York. I'm told the spring is good. I can do it, and maybe even a little cheaper. I loved eating in nice restaurants for every meal, but really- I don't need to do that. I admit, I did like the Marriot.
I will go alone if I have to. I won't be alone for long. I have friends there now. Rock on. I'm going to Vegas in the fall. I'm going to, one of these days, spend the night in San Diego. I've lived here all my life and I've never been to San Diego, other than to get to Sea World.
Michael doesn't like it, but you know- he will learn to deal with it. I simply deserve a little bit of freedom. Alex is old enough to take places with a friend and let loose. I have realized that if I don't force myself to take a break from the bed I've made- I will have more regret than I can stomach.
I admit that my choices are mine- and they don't make sense to a lot of people. They don't have to. I very much describe my relationship as a marriage of convenience to everyone but me. However along with the choices I am making for the benefit of others, it wouldn't not kill me to make some choices for myself. So maybe taking an hour, and eventually a day for myself every week is not feasible. However, taking a few days, once or twice a year... well, that is not only do-able, but perhaps a necessity.
I have been paying for him to smoke a pack a day for the past 9 years combined. (minus about a year total that he has lived elsewhere). At $4 a pack, because we buy in bulk, or the really cheap tobacco- that is close to $1500 a year.
$100 a month is nothing in comparison and it won't give me cancer. Besides, it's my money- right?
Here's to independence. It comes in all forms.
Sex Toy Review Page
So in a shameless attempt to sell more toys and put aside some money- I have added a second blog that I will link here and review the toys that I get from Babeland, Vibereview and Adam and Eve. Hopefully soon to be adding SpicyGear.
It won't be graphic or have pictures other than the manufacturers picture. So you don't gotta be freaked out that I'm gonna show my stuff here.
You know I was born to be a sex toy peddler.
It won't be graphic or have pictures other than the manufacturers picture. So you don't gotta be freaked out that I'm gonna show my stuff here.
You know I was born to be a sex toy peddler.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Some crap to do this summer and just some crap.
So one of the things I noticed in NY, thanks to The Athiest, is that there is so much free shit to to there. This is California, there's got to be as much to do here- or at least something. So hey, I found this.... CLICK HERE
In a few weeks there's a Neil Diamond tribute guy, and I'm gonna go with my mom.
Also, the Fenians, who I had seen a few times in my youth at The Harp (Ed, I know you're dying!!). So at least there's two things I'm gonna be sure to do- cause they are not too far, and they are Free and outside and I can even bring the kids if I must.
I insist on enjoying myself this summer, cause all I wanna to right now is get in a car and drive.... like forever.
Sadly, I guess it's time to go back on the meds. I was hoping that perhaps I didn't need them- but after two weeks and they are out of my system, well today hit me like a ton of bricks. I put together the NY pictures and talked to one of my co-workers about my trip- and just burst into tears, for like an hour!! It's hard to explain, but being home feels like torture to me right now. I know it's a phase. You know that life you thought you were gonna have, way before you even knew what life WAS? It's kinda like that. I just sorta fell in love with the idea of living a life that is different than mine. I don't mean I wish I didn't have my kids- if you know me at all- I don't have to explain it to you.
I was hoping I could live off of a new found energy, rather than quieting myself with the pills- but I guess I can't. The new found energy just makes me restless, cause it's the same old life that takes a different kind of energy. I'm not gonna complain about it- it is what it is. Shortly after I came home the e-husband pulled some old school bullshit that almost sent him packing. I think it was that event that sent me really reeling back a few years in the past and once again feeling angry and terrified that my decisions are nothing but irreparable mistakes.
From Nov 2005.
Yeah, fuck all. I'm gonna need those meds but at least I will have somewhere to go.
In a few weeks there's a Neil Diamond tribute guy, and I'm gonna go with my mom.
Also, the Fenians, who I had seen a few times in my youth at The Harp (Ed, I know you're dying!!). So at least there's two things I'm gonna be sure to do- cause they are not too far, and they are Free and outside and I can even bring the kids if I must.
I insist on enjoying myself this summer, cause all I wanna to right now is get in a car and drive.... like forever.
Sadly, I guess it's time to go back on the meds. I was hoping that perhaps I didn't need them- but after two weeks and they are out of my system, well today hit me like a ton of bricks. I put together the NY pictures and talked to one of my co-workers about my trip- and just burst into tears, for like an hour!! It's hard to explain, but being home feels like torture to me right now. I know it's a phase. You know that life you thought you were gonna have, way before you even knew what life WAS? It's kinda like that. I just sorta fell in love with the idea of living a life that is different than mine. I don't mean I wish I didn't have my kids- if you know me at all- I don't have to explain it to you.
I was hoping I could live off of a new found energy, rather than quieting myself with the pills- but I guess I can't. The new found energy just makes me restless, cause it's the same old life that takes a different kind of energy. I'm not gonna complain about it- it is what it is. Shortly after I came home the e-husband pulled some old school bullshit that almost sent him packing. I think it was that event that sent me really reeling back a few years in the past and once again feeling angry and terrified that my decisions are nothing but irreparable mistakes.
From Nov 2005.
I wonder if this cycle will ever end with him and me. We have become the perfect working example of co-dependency. He has to rely on me and I resent him for it- but I don't let him loose enough to do anything for himself. He resents me for essentially rendering him "permanently failed" and I resent him for continuting to fail. And all along, I can pat myself on the back and say that I did my best. It's sickening. I hate that I have perpetuated this cycle for so long and that all my feelings of self worth stem from how he feels about me. I want him to move out. But I still want him to be grateful and acknowledge that I did the best I could. Pat me on the back, and then go. Yeah, I'm not sick or anything...
And I know, like it or not, that the main reason I'm angry is because I could not help him. My love could not solve this problem for him. Being with me was not enough to encourage him to want to get better. I know that it's not realistic, and maybe even selfish and ego-driven to think that I could beat his disease. But I feel that he never tried. I was not even worth it enough for him to TRY. Not even try... I can hear my sponsors voice, and even my last shrink. It's not your fault, it's not your fault, It's Not Your Fault, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. I know this. I say it in my head, out loud, to my friends, to God. I know that it's not my fault. But somewhere deep inside, I hear it. It's your fault. I can't shut it off sometimes. You were not good enough. You were not worth it to him. Face it, sister- it's all your fault.
Yeah, fuck all. I'm gonna need those meds but at least I will have somewhere to go.
The INTERNATIONAL House of Pancakes, and classic cars too.
Tonight we decided to go to IHOP cause they make a good BIG salad and the kids eat free. So we went and there was a little car show outside. I don't know much about cars, but I like taking pictures and I think some of them turned out pretty good.
I am going to start taking more pictures, so you know, be prepared for that.
Look, I'm taking pictures. Not bad for the cell phone huh??
I am going to start taking more pictures, so you know, be prepared for that.
Look, I'm taking pictures. Not bad for the cell phone huh??
Pictures from the trip.
Here's the slide show from my NY pictures. I tried to put them in order and such, but there are some that are just thrown in and random. I am not in that many pictures, but you know, I was there....
I spoke too soon, by the way. I really am struggling a bit with being back at home. This is the same reason I don't go to Day Spa's and such. It's just not my life and then I just spend time wishing it was.... sigh.
I spoke too soon, by the way. I really am struggling a bit with being back at home. This is the same reason I don't go to Day Spa's and such. It's just not my life and then I just spend time wishing it was.... sigh.
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