About Me

My photo
Using my 40's as a do-over for my thirties, only smarter. I often mistake the bees and honey reference with the one about free milk and a cow. This might explain my whole life.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Under the Big A!!

Someone told me that they like my writing and that I'm funny- and now I'm sitting here thinking about HOW to be funny. Really, I have no clue. Sometimes life is funny, and sometimes...
there's a monkey.

I went to an Angels baseball game today for Kim's birthday party. It was a tailgate party and then we went to the game.

Tailgating is not as dirty as it sounds. It is just food and beverage. Historically there are trucks involved, and you know sitting on the tailgate of the trucks. Eating food and such. Wikipedia says:
Traditionally tailgating involves the consumption of alcoholic beverages such as beer or mixed drinks and the grilling of various meat products.
I was thinking maybe it had something to do with buttsex. It SOUNDS like it is supposed to, doesn't it? I asked around, and nobody told me exactly what it WAS- but that most likely there would not be buttsex involved. I called Kim and asked her, just to check. "Tailgating doesn't involve buttsex does it? Cause if so, I have to repack by bag."

She laughed and said she hadn't PLANNED on it, but you never know what might happen...

Well it turns out that with Kim, tailgating involves the consumption of alcoholic beverages, does not involve any kind of sex, OR any kind of meat. Kim's a crazy vegan and so are her friends. I knew this and I had the option of bringing my own meat, but you know- that's weird to show up with one raw hamburger patty. So I figured I would not DIE from a veggie burger. With enough ketchup and mustard, it tastes just like....

ketchup and mustard.

They also had vegenaise. Yeah, ummm... what the fuck is that? It's mayo with no eggs.
Click it, it's fat and salt. really why bother?


I stuck with ketchup and mayo. I HAD the veggie burger- that's enough vegan for one day.

So we went into the game and luckily we were in the shade. I hung out with some of Kims friends and text messaged my own friends and was pretty underwhelmed with the game. For starters there they would try to pump up the crowd by playing songs with clapping and such, like the opening to Car Wash, Centerfield, and We Will Rock You. However they play 20-30 seconds and then they stop. Just when everyone gets into it and people are clapping, it's over ad we all feel stupid. After the first few times, I decided I would not let them fool me again. Audio fuckers.

They did however play ALL of Ice, Ice Baby.
Really? REALLY?

To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal

Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle.

And then...
then there was the fucking Rally Monkey. Seriously? A monkey? They would sort of insert this fucking monkey into movie scenes. It was much like this...



The crowd loved it. I suspect the other teams just HATE that damn monkey. I know I do. It scares me. Creepy ass capuchin monkey.

The Angels lost. The monkey haunts me.
And I didn't get any buttsex, but good times were had by all.

Happy Birthday Kimmy. I always have lots of fun with you.
Enjoy your new vibe.

Yeah, you know I give the GOOD gifts!!!

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Sexy Politics...



There were some people, myself included, who thought President Clinton was kinda hot.  I mean, any guy who receives a BJ while talkin on the phone is ok in my book.  He's also got that strong chin, distinguished "You need a spanking" look about him.  Hot.




It seems like there's a little bit of hotness coming back to the Whitehouse, either way.

A friend of mine has told me that Michelle Obama is a "FLILF" (think about it... it'll come to you.)  There.  



I love that she doesn't wear the suits or the puffy shirts and big beaded necklaces.  Skin?  She's got it, she shows it, and she's stunning.   Not to mention- he's not a bad lookin man either.   



Movie Quote Break:  
Any expectations that you might have, given the fact that I'm... you know...
The most powerful man in the world?
Exactly, thank you. I think it's important you remember that's a political distinction; it comes with the office. 

And then McCain, that tricky little "not at all hot" oldguy- decides to put a sexy lady on his ticket.  She's got a hot librarian quality about her.  Ummm, hello legs....  I'm not sure what to think about the big dead bear and the crustacean on the table, but perhaps they do things different in Alaska.  



She's obviously got brains and you should give her credit for being elected in a place that is 78% men. (or so I'm told and if that's true- I'm so goin there for my own version of Men in Trees).  

Another friend said, "Yeah I'd like to fuck the Republican right out of her...."  

Of course my dear, if you move to CANADA if the Republicans DO take the office- like you are threatening, I doubt you'll get the chance to.  Something tells me she may take offense.  

Friday, August 29, 2008

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Extraordinary!!

I admit that I am often one to find myself moved by a good speaker.  However, rarely am I  encouraged and excited and truly inspired, especially by a politician.

I made Alex watch the second half of Barack Obama's speech tonight.  He grumbled with me.  He said, "Oh I don't like politics.. I don't care.. I want to talk to my friends. "  I demanded he sit down.  Demanded.  

Pay attention, Alex.  This matters!  It's fuckin historical- SIT DOWN!!

He slouched on the couch and sighed every thirty seconds.
For about three minutes.

Then something happened.  Something in that man's voice and his passion and his ideas made my slacker 13 year old stop and listen.

I looked over at him and he was leaning forward.  Paying attention, transfixed.  He asked some questions, cause he's Alex and he ALWAYS asks question.  When it was over we both were clapping and I was crying.

Of course.



Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Overexposed

Sometimes I worry about how much I'm on the internet.  I don't mean the time I spend, but how much I am EXPOSED on the internet. 

However, lets be clear.

I talk a lot about my life. 
I make up a lot of stories about a sex life.
I take a lot of pictures.
I tell a lot of truths.
I tell a lot of lies.

I make no claims to what is or is not true.  If I tell you, "THIS IS TRUE"- then it is, but when do I ever say that?  But you can assume that everything on the internet is true- or a lie.  I guess it depends on the source.... what does that tell you?

I write as a hobby.  And I'm good at it, some of you know.  Is what I say the truth, or am I just really that good?  Hmmm, you never really know, do you? 

In some ways, my life is really so mundane and boring that I write a lot and create things that may or may not be real.

Your mind makes it real...  ha ha.

There are some real people in my life, that make it tolerable- some: intolerable.

I ask that you respect my choices in life, as I respect yours.  My mother told me that my siblings are gossiping about me.  It sucked having to hear it from my mother because I suspect that she joined in on the Julie-bashing party too.  However, I don't really care.  It's what families do sometimes and I am not going to dispute that I'm an easy target.  I put my life out here like this and that leaves me open to the scrutiny of others.  I have been told that my brother, who I love and adore, now thinks I am a bad influence and that "I'm just a little crazy."  

Thanks.  You may be right, I may be crazy.

I've been told that all I do is complain about my life and don't take any advice.  Well, I stopped asking for advice a long time ago.  If you don't want to hear my complaining, please don't read my blog anymore.  This is my space to vent and think.  A lot (read: MOST) of what I write on my other blog is fiction.  Yes, fiction.  It says so right there "some is true, some is made up." Guess what?  I'm a good writer.  A DAMN good writer, and if you thought it was all true- well, I'm glad that I am believable- and maybe someday I can make lots of money writing books that people jerk off to.  A bucks' a buck right?

I don't hurt anyone- I am perfectly content hurting myself.  I do not judge my family for their choices.  I don't.  I may not understand everything about them, but you know- I don't have to live their lives, and they don't have to live mine.  Lets all just stay to our neutral corners and maybe we can stop the smack talk.  I don't deserve it.  I don't owe you any money, ok, well, Johnny I think I will ALWAYS owe YOU money. 

If you don't like the way I live my life- I suggest that you don't live it.

Personally I'm not always a big fan of it either.


Thursday, August 21, 2008

Great song





All I needed was the love you gave
All I needed for another day
And all I ever knew
Only you

Who or what does this remind you of?  Comment.  Please.  
(That means YOU)


Less hot than a cartoon of myself

My Manga character (wearing green contacts) is hotter than I am. Damn.












It figures.

Thanks to The Punk Guy for the link. It's here.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday

I know there is a Theme this week, but I didn't have time to do it- so Go USA and I'm still pissed at China for not letting the less pretty girl sing at the Opening Ceremonies.

I thought this picture turned out pretty cool. E-husband happened to be in the doorway but he only has half a face.

Don't you love my towel turban??

Happy HNT everyone.

I need a deadline, people.

I don't post here as often as I should. My real life is so insanely boring sometimes and that even the few sparks of interest are sort of drowned out int the monotony.
I got accepted into Grad School. yah me. It's not as if I was worried about NOT getting accepted- the program is not compacted or anything. The entire world is not interested in going into Health Care Administration. Truth be told, I'm not exactly sure that I am dying to spend my life dedicated to health care management either, but it's what I do now- and knowing me, I will probably do for a decade at least. At least.

My enrollment adviser at Walden and I have been talking for almost a year now. I contacted him before my last semester at Long Beach and we have been friends ever since. I even considered going into the MBA program instead, but the adviser for that program was not half as much fun to talk to. I was pleased to go back and work with Evan. He's professional and funny- and truth be told, he's insanely cute. So yesterday he called me to tell me that I had been accepted into the program for my MHA. It's much more exciting to get a call or a letter in the mail rather than an email. Emails can really be kind of anti-climactic. You can't jump up and down, holding your laptop and running around showing the email to people. I mean, you can- but that's lame- and I try not to show my laptop screen to too many people- I just never knew when an IM window will pop up with "What's up, you dirty slut?"

A phone call or a letter in your hand is a cool way to receive good news. In the movies you see people at the mailbox, jumping up and down, family members surrounding them and hugging. Of course I did not jump up and down or anything- but if I wanted to- I could have cause Evan called me. He understands that I wanted the call- and NOT the email. He and I have been working together for almost a year now, we're friends now. We talk about family (me) and travel (him) and school and work. It's been fun and I'm sure I will remain friends with him. 8 days after school starts, he is no longer my adviser and then I am free to flirt shamelessly. Or he is free to flirt back, I guess. very nice.

So I'm a grad student now. How amazing is that? My life is going to run in 8 week increments for the next 2.76 years. $50K more in student loans, making a GRAND total of $90K (and change) that I will have borrowed to supplement my income over 8 total years of college. Grad school is the first time that any of the money I have borrowed will actually go towards tuition. I've have received grants and scholarships that have paid for every dime of my tuition up until now. If I was a two income family, I would never have needed the loans- but you know- the kids gotta eat.

So besides the insane price tag of my education, which really just means that in exchange for me borrowing money to feed everyone, I get an education too- I'm really glad to get back into it. My brain is jello, which is how it always is at the end of summer. I'm slow and bored and dying to study something. I need due dates and homework and index cards.

Somebody teach me something before I slip into a coma.
please.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

food fetish

Ok you all know my love for the dildo right? I have lots of them. Tons really. More than any two people really need, and yet every month I get like 10 more. I do not do reviews with Eden Fantasies yet- I'm in the process, but I have not finished the preliminary steps. I only have one vag, how many things can I put in it right?

But anyway- I digress. I started twittering Eden Fantasies cause I love the gal who does the Twitter for it (won't link her here but if you know, you know) and today there was a twit about this.



Yeah- it's a vibrator. A vibrator that is shaped like corn on the cob. What the...? I mean, I'm all for fun with phallic items, but you know- well I can only think of one word.
Cornhole. And I'm not talking about the game with the bean bags. Or maybe I am.
Jesus

So on the corn vibe screen, there were links to other similar toys. Like this one.




Ok, If I'm going to go so far as to get nailed by a cucumber again, well- I wouldn't pick one this thin.

Did I say again?


And then there's this one.




Ummmm.... no.
No No No

So wrong on so many levels. What's with the happy face?

I know that many people would rather not have your kids find a big penis under your pillow so toys that are shaped like cock are best left in the stores, but really... if you are going to screw food- go to Trader Joe's. Go seriously phthalate free, and you know, have a snack later.

Ok- that's gross.
Don't do that.

I'd rather not have the option of putting my vag toys in a ceramic bowl as a centerpiece for when company come over.

Ok- well- maybe that would be awesome.


I'd rather not have the stuff that goes in my vag to go in my mouth too.
Wait... no.
Damn.

forget it.

screw your food.



Saturday, August 16, 2008

A few pics from the wedding

The Happy Couple
Rick and Deanna
Aug 15, 2008



"It's Your Love"- Tim McGraw and Faith Hill
side note: When Rick was in Iraq and Deanna and I were hanging out one night at Karaoke and she told me that this was her song for Rick.


Come on, Rick. SUCK IT UP!!!
Stop crying you GIRL!



The Cake
The R on the top was covered in swarovski crystals. Beautiful.


Me and Cheryl, getting ready to dance.


Me and Alex. He's so handsome, and he's getting so tall!!



At the very end of the night, Alex finally danced with his mom. His first slow dance.



Posted by Picasa

If you ask me, I could write a book...

My brother got married last night. If I had some pictures to post, I would- but I did not take pictures yesterday. I drank instead.

The ceremony was quite lovely. I did a reading in the ceremony, which I've never done for anyone before. It was a bit nerve wracking having to speak, but I just focused on looking at the bride and groom and pretended that there was not a room of people watching me.

Deanna looked beautiful and Rick looked very handsome. He cried twice during the ceremony, and twice at the reception. I was about to yell out, "Suck it up, PUSSY!" but it just didn't seem appropriate, and I was real drunk.

His phone rang during the exchanging of the vows. It was hilarious. It also rang during the exchanging of the rings. That was classic. A big plant by the altar was knocked over during the ceremony also. It didn't matter- it was lighthearted and romantic.

The slideshow I did for the bride and groom went off nearly perfect. While I could not hook my laptop to the DJ's sound system- he HAD the songs- so he played them and his timing was just a mere seconds off of the slide show, so it still worked out just fine and I don't think that anyone even knew but me.

Did I mention that I looked fantastic? Yeah, I did. I figured out how to do my hair the way I wish it was all the time. I straightened it, and then curled up the bottoms- so it looked sort of full and wavy.

My mom said I looked like a gypsy. sigh.

The thing that I really like about Rick is that he never stops being who he is. He's been retired from the Marines for just a few months now. During the reception, he got up and said a few words- introducing my grandfather, who is a WWII veteran, and also paying respects to the people who were there who had served in any branch of the armed forces and who he had served with. He also again mentioned friends and soldiers who have lost their lives. Then they played a song, I don't know if it was the Marine Corp Hymn or just another military song, but SEVERAL people in the room stood up- signifying that they were now, or once WERE in the military. It was very very cool.

That's Rick. He's just like that.

Congrats Rick and Deanna. I fuckin love you guys.

Friday, August 15, 2008

stolen moments



I found this picture on Mike's camera. The kids had climbed into bed with me, and were watching TV, apparently I fell back asleep.

(It was 9AM- his camera is still on NY time.)

Now if this isn't just the cutest thing? ... and should restore your faith that I am not completely void of emotion.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Another movie I wanna see


See more at DaneCook.com

Best line, anywhere ever.

"It's not gonna suck itself!"

Summer Sun- HNT

This past weekend I was out at the pool every day for at least three hours. The kids really enjoy it and I am able to just lay out in the sun.

I KNOW I don't need a tan. I feel kind of foolish laying out and soaking up the rays, but it feels good on my skin. I can close my eyes, listen to my music and feel my skin. Even though I can hear the kids playing and splashing, I can feel a quiet coming over me and I can relax. It's as if the sting of the sun just drains me of stress.

I'm not very outdoorsy, and I don't usually love being out in the heat. However, I have found that as soon as I wake up on the weekends, I can't wait to get out there so I can really relax.



Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!!

Monday, August 11, 2008

the stuff that makes me laugh

Ok I guess maybe I'm a little behind cause this video is a few years old, but it still made me smile.  Hey, Os- you think you can groove with your horn like this??  The chicks would be eating out of your hands....  I mean, the ones that are not doing so already.  ;)

Not to mention that I love this song.
Holllywoooooooooood.....


Happy Happy Birthday!!

Today is Ed's 40th birthday. One one of my very very bestest friends and the keeper of all my secrets!!!



Happy birthday babe.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Look Mom, no floaties!!!

Here's Gabe, swimmin in the deep end!!

what is it about this guy

that just gives me the creeps? I mean, even if he plays NOT a bad guy... something about him just bugs me... a lot.



I'm watching Matchstick Men and I don't like the scene's he's in. I have my posting screen on the HTML screen so I don't have to look at the very picture I posted.
Sam Rockell, I know he's a decent actor- he's going to be in CHOKE, which I want to see when it comes out. But you know, it's going to be hard, cause he bugs me. Not in the way Lorraine Bracco's accent bothers me, but in the "he looks like the villain in my nightmares" way.

Weird.

First full day

He is quitting smoking and I am taking my first step to freedom from enabling...

He is being a mega-dick. I can already tell that this is worse than withdrawals from alcohol and crack (and yes, I stood by and watched both of those). It's even harder because the violent ejection of cigarettes is because I told him that I would no longer buy them for him. Now who knows what happens on payday when I give him a little bit of cash for the week. I suspect he will buy them in seconds, and that is going to piss me off- but what he does with the money in his pocket I cannot control. I am not going to make runs to the store for him- blatantly purchasing them.

He hates me right now, he is being a fucking ass-tank to everyone who wants to cause him pain and I am apparently the captain of that team. Whatever. Right now I really feel like every day is a battle between us. If he gets his way, then I am miserable. If I get my way, then he MAKES me miserable by being so verbally put out, sick, addicted and a big bag of douchebaggery. So you know, either way I'm miserable, but at least I am not enabling his shitty behavior.

Small steps, but it's time that I make the ones that will get me the hell out of here.

No great depression

Yesterday, the e-husband saw me reading Shampoo Planet by the edge of the pool and asked me, "You're still reading that book? What is it about?"

"Well, it's about this guy and...well, fuck- I'm not really sure!"

I read him the inside cover- and told him it's a very Generation X book, you know- about.... um... fuck, I don't know.

Someone help me, I'm half way through it. Is there a plot line that I'm missing? Am I supposed to be acutely aware of his struggles, cause so far- he just seems observant, but not very passionate about anything. Ok, so I see that some mysterious woman is about to enter the picture- so ok, maybe there is something to grasp on to- but I'm half way through, shouldn't I know already?

Maybe I've been too preoccupied to acknowledge my Generation X-edness. Perhaps I'm just somewhat closed off to the ideals that my generation is supposed to care about. Perhaps I am have been too concerned in my adult life with the 12 steps and the Big Book and breast feeding that I never took the time to get a good political point of view or develop a hatred for the government. Maybe I am too self centered to have an emotional opinion on the environment and offshore drilling and stem cell research. Not that I don't have an opinion, or that I don't feel this issues are important, but I have heard friends talking, and having heated debates about these things, causing them to openly abhor those who may oppose their views. I wish that I was that passionate about it so I could at least join in the conversation instead of listen quietly, and nod my head- and more often than I care to admit, ask "what does that mean?"

And if you are one of the few people who have to constantly school me on what the hell you are talking about, I appreciate you never making me feel stupid for not knowing and not being judgmental. It's not that I don't care- but perhaps I am still of the school of thought that in general, society is too selfish to do the things that need to be done to make long term positive changes. Like in the movie Singles, which I did see, once:
People love their cars.
I feel this way about most things- and if you know me, you know that I'm not one to go against the grain and be confrontational. Maybe I am part of the problem, because I don't know what the solutions are. It's not that I don't want to care, I just don't what to care ABOUT!!

Go ahead, kick me out of the generation. It's ok. I probably won't notice.

Our Generation has had no Great war, no Great Depression. Our war is spiritual. Our depression is our lives. ~Chuck Palahniuk

Hey wait, maybe I belong here afterall.....

Saturday, August 09, 2008

"Accept friend"- wait what??

So I am getting facebook friend requests from people I know lately. It's nice- hey you remember me? Awesome, right?

So I accepted one yesterday- because it was attached to a name I know. But then... wait....
what is that??

Los Al 20 Year Reunion Group.

NOOOOOOOOOO

Crap. Damn. Fuck.

So now I'm in the group- I'm connected with people- did I join a committee. I wasn't even planning on GOING to the 20 year reunion. The 10 was, a waste. None of MY friends showed up- and the girls I was in drill team with didn't talk to me!! I mean, what's the deal with that?? I also spent a good amount of time standing between women who had once had sex with my husband- so you know, there was that.

I'm sure the 20 will be different, but really, HOW different. I'm sure I will end up going alone. Great, so I will stand there completely alone all night. Great. Carrie, if I do this- you are coming with me bitch.

It's bad enough that these people are a few clicks away from seeing my LIFE. It's a good thing that so few of them gave a damn enough about me to bother.

Friday, August 08, 2008

Sometimes I am the stupidest girl in stupid town,

The e-husband went to the ER today. I knew he would eventually. Actually early in the week I called even said it outloud to my boss, "I'll bet he end up in the hospital before the end of the week."

I wish I could pick winning lotto numbers the same way.

So he went in, and is still sitting in the ER cause there's no beds. Here's some weird ER tips.
People wait until after work to go to the ER.
People wait until the weekend to go to the ER.
Unless it's a holiday, and then they wait until afterwards.

So Friday at 2, is a bad time to go to the ER- so here it is 9PM and he's still in the ER waiting for a bed. Well, who cares, he's IN a bed- he's got a TV. Chill out, dude. It's not like you are on a gurney in the hallway. I've seen that before too.

He called me and asked me to bring him cigarettes. I needs some, he says, I'm going crazy- bring them ok?

Ugh. Now I've always done thing for him. If I don't, he bitches- he lays on the guilt, he complains- he makes my life miserable. He kinda bullies me in a passive aggressive dickish way. So I usually just comply and loathe myself.

Today I was at my mothers house when he called and made his tobacco demands. I said whatever, and when I hung up, my mother who NEVER minds her own business started in on me about why don't I just say no?
You make the money, just don't buy them for him. Don't give him money.

Ok, question for the non-working women. If you head of the household spouse REFUSED to give you money, even though you are taking care of the kids and such- does that fly? Yeah, NO. I do not deny him money simply because I am the one that makes it. That seems wrong to me on a lot of levels. No, I don't like what he spends money on. It's probably $3 a day, cause he buys cheap ones. That's $90 a month, roughly. Yeah, that's a alot of money. However, if roles were reversed and I didn't work and he made the money.... hang on.... sorry was laughing there.... if that were the case, and he told me that I could NOT have any money-well, then he'd be considered a bastard, right?

That has always been my reason for sort of turning my head about what he wastes my hard earned money on. God knows I wasted it on make up and jewelry I never wear,

But then I was thinking... you know. I could not even argue the point with my mother- because really I don't buy it. My husband, dear readers, is going to be dead within maybe 5-10 years not IF he doesn't take care of himself, but BECAUSE he doesn't take care of himself. We all know that the main reason that I have not kicked him out and moved on with my life, is because I truly feel like he needs my help, passive aggressive as it may be delivered. (See D, I am only passive aggressive to people I am now or have ever been married to) He has very few other options, and divorcing him, impoverishing him, and basically destroying him (cause you know, my ego tells me that he will surely die without my snarky brand of "love and affection"). That being said however, I ask myself this.

If HE doesn't give a shit about his well being- by continuing to abuse his medications (in which the result is withdrawal symptoms that cause him severe dehydration and ketoacidosis) and smoke cigarettes, which he KNOWS are only hurting his circulatory system even further- then why should I? Why should I continue to enable this ridiculous behavior? Why should I keep my life on hold, doing what I believe to be the 'right thing' - when he is NOT doing the right thing.

I have been denying it, but he's become just another drug user, with a pusher who went to medical school. He has 4 doctors. FOUR. He is supposed to see the his primary physician, his endocrinologist, and his gastroenterologist at least every other month. He has not seen either of these doctors in several months. Maybe.... six?

He sees his pain specialist every two weeks. Man, never misses that appointment. Everything surrounds his pain meds, and really, now that I look at it- it's all about his addictions. His smoking, his pills, his food. And what do I do... I pay for it all. I turn away and pretend that it's all ok, when I know it's not ok. When I know that I am not ok.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of enabling him so I can continue to be unhappy. Exactly what is in it for me anymore? I told him when I brought him the cigarettes, "Enjoy them, cause that is the last pack I am buying for you. Period." I couldn't even look him in the eyes. What I wanted to say was, "I am so done and over with this- and your bags will be packed by the time you return from this hospital stay." Of course, I know that's not true. I can't even be sure that I can hold my end of what I DID say- but I want to try. I have to start somewhere.

What I know is that I'm tired. I exhausted and I'm unhappy. I am trying to do the right thing, but I think all I'm doing is being stupid and letting him take me for granted. Is this the beginning of the end. It should be. But you know, I can't answer that either.

What the fuck is the matter with me??

Resistance is futile.

Julie: Are you out of pain meds?
brief silence and then,

Michael: no

Julie: whatever (laughing)
He gets two weeks of pain meds at a time. He was completely overmedicated for a week and a half and falling asleep on his feet all over the house. Now he's sick and in pain and is bed asleep everywhere. There is a transition from overmedicated to withdrawals.

Like I don't know the difference. Hi, have you met me? My husband is a sober alcoholic and an almost recovering drug addict, because he is on scheduled drugs for actual pain.


This is my life, welcome to it.


Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Waste of a half nekkid woman

The kids are spending the night at my parents house. We have the house alone. Because it's warm- I'm in my bra and panties watching TV on the couch.

Perfect right?


My husband is has been in bed since I came home from work. At 3PM.

So you know, this ones for him.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Facebook is a trip

I have been finding lots of people on Facebook. Adding them as friends and somewhat making polite conversation when the opportunity presents itself. It's weird to see the old faces, and how they have and haven't changed.

I think I was kind of a bitch in high school. I mean- not that I was openly MEAN to people, just generally judgmental and moody. I'm trying to think what I was so upset about all the time, but really- I can't think of any good reasons. There were a lot of people I didn't like, but I don't know why. I cannot remember anyone who was specifically UNKIND to me. I can't recall WHY I disliked anyone, except for one particular girl who I thought stole my boyfriend, but apparently that was my fault after all.

Now that I am older, I look back at these faces and really only remember good things. Funny things like pep rallies and band competitions and things that I only have good memories of. What the hell was I so fucking dramatic about??

So if I was a twatty bitch to you in high school. I'm sorry. I have no good excuse. I guess I was just a twatty bitch.

Monday, August 04, 2008

Some pictures from an August Day

Danny needs to be a little braver- but he does like being in the water.




Gabe KNOWS how to swim. He leaned last summer, but he still uses the life jacket and the floaties. He's getting better though.


He just loves the cannonballs!!!



No night is complete without kisses goodnight. Danny likes to kiss between the 'bars.' It's kinda fun. This was NOT an easy picture to take- I think I took FIVE of them before we got this one.



Gabe is the biggest kissyface kid I've ever known, but for some reason- he just didn't want t0 give it up. But you know, mama doesn't take no for an answer when it comes to kisses.

Some of my favorite Friends moments.

Cause I feel like it.... c'mon D- watch it. you know you wanna!!


I want a hopping bonus for my life.



I'm buyin a coyote.



SEVEN!!

Sunday, August 03, 2008

strange voices are saying (ah what did they say?)


Couldn't sink Danny if you wanted to!!! Paranoid much Dan??



What joy looks like when you are 5.




I kinda want one of these.



It's a cruel, cruel summer. Now you're gone.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Grateful for small efforts

It's rare, however it's important for me to take notice of the nice things when they happen.

I got to sleep in this morning and coffee was ready when I got up. The kids were fed and dressed. The house was clean. Laundry was being done.

I also got to nap this afternoon. He is picking up dinner.

And there was some sex. So you know, I've had worse days.

It's important that I recognize that when he is well, he makes efforts. I know he loves me and he WANTS to be a better husband. I have to appreciate that.

I have to.

When there's nothing on the inside...

Me: Where do the athiests go to get perspective?  
(As if I have EVER gone to church to get perspective..)
Athiest: Look within.  Introspective.

I ponder this though.  What happens when I need perspective about my life and I look within to find ??  What do I find?  At first, I think- nothing.  Just more questions, never any fucking answers.

I read a really interesting blog post about feminism today.  Of which, I admit I know next to nothing.  I don't believe myself to be a feminist, but not exactly the opposite of it either.  I believe that woman have a choice, and that some women CAN have both career and family and they should be able to choose if the means are available.

I commented that my "I'm every woman" life, is more out of necessity than a strong desire to do it.  I get a lot of "wow that's very impressive" about the fact that I work and go to school and try to take care of the kids and my husband, etc.  However, I have been pretty honest about the fact that I don't do it WELL, nor do I LOVE the fact that I HAVE to do it.  I down right RESENT the fact that I am a one income family and that I work while he stays home (lets even give him the credit for taking care of the kids).  I hate that I think, at least once a day, that if I could just work a part time second job we would be afloat.  I hate that I can't GET that second job, because it's unfair to the kids for me never to be there.

I constant walk this balance between, "The kids need me here at home more than they need the things that extra money provides" or "Shouldn't I be trying to do MORE to put food in this house because they deserve to have nice things?"  I also often think, "If I just had a good man with a good job my life would be volumes better."

I try not to play the, "I'm the man of the house" card- because who says a woman CAN'T do these things.  They can.  I can.  I DO.  However what does it say about me, that I wish I didn't have to.  I don't, nor did I ever want to be the wife and mother that stays at home with her kids and has dinner on the table by 5.  Not because I don't think it's important, but because I just don't LIKE doing it.  I am resistant to being either roles.  I just want to be part of a partnership- and maybe that is feminism in it's own right

Is my life just a different type of servitude?  

Or maybe I don't have the means to be able to make the choice.  
This is what happens when I look inside myself.  I talk myself into circles and really am no father in understanding than I was when I started.

What is THAT?

Friday, August 01, 2008

Hallmark cards for my anniversary

From my sister:

"Happy Anniversary- he lived another year."

my spin "Happy Anniversary- you haven't killed him yet."


Got a good one??
leave it in the comments

(don't worry he doesn't read here...)

Go ahead



Wish it.