About Me

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Using my 40's as a do-over for my thirties, only smarter. I often mistake the bees and honey reference with the one about free milk and a cow. This might explain my whole life.

Monday, May 31, 2010

know your audience

I don't futz very often. I tend to not fixate on things that don't matter as long as the end result is the same. Mike likes to change the furniture around. What about this? What if I put this there? Maybe I should move that here, what do you think Julie? Is that ok? Is that fine, here- there, and this will go here and we can move that......

ok really, dude? I couldn't fucking care less. I want two things. I want the couch in a place where I can sit down and watch TV. Other than that, I don't care if you put a damn jungle gym in here as long as I can see the television from the couch.
And when I say I don't care, I don't mean I DON'T care. I mean, do whatever you want as long as it's not what I DON'T want.

Know who you're married to.
Act accordingly.

Good luck to the next guy. ;)

Saturday, May 29, 2010


Mike is going to the store.

He asks: Can you make some coffee while I'm gone?
I say: Sure. (not really getting up off the couch)
He says: Julie, every time I ask you that, when I come home- you have never made the coffee and I have to make it
I say: Then WHY do you ask me??? Haven't you learned yet? We've been married 10 years!!




what's wrong when nothings wrong

My recommitment to my diet still hasn't stuck. I do ok during the day, but at night I just blow it out of the water. I need planning. I need to track my eating. I need focus. Not just with my diet, but with school too.

I find that hard to come by right now. Maybe it's the change in the weather, or the fact that school is almost out and I, like the kids, want to relax by jumping in the pool and laying in the sun. I spent a week off of my meds, and putting them back into my system is also sort of a mental transition too.

I often try to wean myself off my meds. Sometimes for a week, sometimes for a month. With my blood pressure problems, I am a little more sensitive about it. The last thing I need is for my stress and anxiety to skyrocket my blood pressure. I don't want to have a stroke because I didn't want to cheer up.

Sometimes depression confuses me. When I don't have anything to BE depressed about, it's strange to have those days when I feel like I can't get out of bed. Everything feels wrong when I know that nothing is wrong. The things that don't bother me, bother me. The things that are nothing, become something even if I know they are nothing. All of this triggers anxiety. This feeling of hopelessness, like everything feels out of control. I feel like the world is spinning and I feel trapped, even when I am standing perfectly still and there's nobody around. It doesn't make any sense, and it stresses me out when I try to force it to.

So when there's no answers- no reason- no fault. Nothing but this feeling I can't shake- all I want to do is hide from it.

Yes, the pills help. It's not about numbing me from what IS wrong. They help me from feeling that there is something wrong when nothings wrong. Maybe that doesn't make sense- but if it did, maybe you'd need antidepressants too.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

New beginnings- I hope.

I have become a really crappy blogger. I can't even try to make excuses. I just committed a whole $10 to renewing this domain, so I guess I had better do something with it huh? I could have spent that $10 you know... lunch.

My weight loss efforts are going slow. Mostly because my EFFORTS are slow. I try- but you know, not as hard as I could. In 9 weeks, I've lost about 5.5 pounds which is great until I compare it to the girls who have lost like 17 pounds. I know what the difference is though- they are more committed. I'm doing it so-so. So I keep telling myself I'm going to recommit myself, starting today.

Ok- well today was but- but you know TODAY.
what? oh well that was unexpected. but TODAY- really today.

When the fuck IS today anyway?

This morning Mike and I had an interesting conversation about the new guy in my life. The conversation was not exactly interesting, but it is always interesting to me when I hear my husband say the name of my boyfriend. (It's also weird for me use those words in the same sentence.) I admit that it's comforting that he is not freaking out- because well, I know I would. In some ways, it comforts me to know that he does love me enough to want me to be happy. We really are just living in the same house now. Not in a seething uncomfortable way- but in a 'Hey Julie, do you think I'm still attractive enough to get a younger girl?' kind of way. Oddly, I asked him the same question.

It's nice to know that we haven't ripped each other to such shreds so that there is no evidence of civility.

As failed marriages go- maybe the fact that we can still be civil makes this a lesser degree of losing. Nobody wins.

So hopefully since I plan to sort of live 'outloud', you will all join me.

I'm Julie- I'm getting divorced. I have a new guy. A new girl (more on that later). Three sons, a daughter, a cat and a mini-van.

I am the perfect picture of the kinky neighbor next door. Can I borrow a cup of sugar?


Monday, May 03, 2010

why not?

We always hurt the ones you love.

Why is that?

Why can't we simply LOVE the ones we love and try really really hard to NOT make them feel alone or abandoned or worthless?