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Using my 40's as a do-over for my thirties, only smarter. I often mistake the bees and honey reference with the one about free milk and a cow. This might explain my whole life.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

To the person I wish I could be

Dear Julie of my dreams,

How does size 8 feel?
I hope you are enjoying your career as a writer.

Please send my best to your husband, wife, girlfriend, and the harem of others than roam in and out of your bed. What an amazing life you have.

Now get up.... cause you have laundry to do!

Someone from your Childhood

To PROVE that this letter writing thing is kicking something off for me, this is a portion of a REAL letter I wrote to my cousin and BFF:

Dear Lori,

How are you?? I know it's been about forever since I written, but I was thinking about how wonderful it was when we used to email back and forth. Email is such a lost art for me, now with twitter, facebook, chat and text. It's like if you can't say what you want to say in 140 characters, its not worth talking!!

But I did want to talk. I can't believe we've only facebooked since you got pregnant. That's ridiculous!! How are you feeling?? Are you terribly excited? It's a **** right? Have you picked out a name? I so wish I could come up for the baby shower!!

It's been a rough summer and I'm glad to see it go. I hope the fall will bring change to my life as I see that I have options now that I didn't used to have.

[The parents] are not going to be watching the boys as much so I guess I could move out of the area, if not out of state. I have three classes left of school- I'm so done with with it I could cry. I'm out for 19 days and then I have 24 weeks of study left. Honestly if I never have to write another paper again it will be too soon!! I have no clue what I'm going to DO with this degree and considering the option of becoming a truck stop waitress with comfortable shoes and purple earrings outside of Ontario. Seem like a pretty simple life.

The break up has me pretty reeling and feeling more broken than I have in 'I can't remember when'. It's been almost a month and I think yesterday was the first day I didn't cry. I admit to using methods that are less than healthy to cope but none of them are life threatening. So now I'm looking forward and a bit unsure what to do next. I think I've spent so many years being in relationships. Stressing out over them, trying to create one, fix one, or save one. I just need a break- but really I'm such an addict about it. Always looking for my next fix of attention. I put myself on dating sites, only to be unimpressed, annoyed or simply not committed to really keeping up communications because I am just so very sad about the end of this relationship.

So I keep thinking about that 'break' that you took. I have a clear picture in my head of going to visit you at your moms, and you were sitting out on the patio- reading when I got there. It's such a quiet peaceful picture in my mind, and I wonder if I can do that. Just take a break, no dating, to touching, no sex. Just me and my thoughts and the other usual suspects. I don't know. I realize that I have set my entire life up so that I am never REALLY alone yet I feel so alone that I'm actually uncomfortable around people. why did the relationship end? Well, in the end there is no cure for, "I just don't love you enough to see a future together." There's no fault there- as much as I wanted to take one. Taking the blame gave me an opportunity to FIX it- but he would not allow that. He isn't a bad man. I just wasn't the one for him, I guess. It happens. sigh...

So now I'm just sort of searching and reaching and trying to talk less and listen more. The answers for me have to be out there. It seems insane that I have reached THIS point in my life and I'm still such a disaster with my heart. Seems like no matter what I do, I'm still led by my heart- and that has never brought me riches, or even happiness. Tragic really.

Anyway- I hope I hear back from you. I could use the connection and I really do want to hear all about your pregnancy, your home and your life.

love,
julie

Letter to Someone not in your State or Country

Dear Hetty,

You've been gone just a few weeks and I miss you and the family already. It was so wonderful meeting you. It didn't feel like you were family, but then very much like family.

It was great having someone to bond with a little, as I don't have a lot of local girlfriend that I can hang out with, and I am often not inclined to get out of the house very often. It was so convenient to have you so close. My kids adored you and your whole family.

I have thought very much about the things we talked about- taking a break for myself. Focusing on only caring for those that are my children and letting the adults be adults and allowing them to care for themselves. Your life and your free spirited bravery are so inspiring to me. To be able to move around the world, with your kids and just feel confident that you will land on your two feet. I'm always so paralyzed with fear that I have to justify purchasing a new stereo for my car- let alone anything that is life altering.

Your kids are beautiful, talented and well behaved. They are so smart and I'm so very impressed by your ability to connect with them on a level that truly shows respect and authority. Something that I think I lack sometimes.

I truly hope that you can come back to the states next year or sometimes soon after that. You would fit wonderfully here and I would be so glad to have you close. I miss being able to talk to you. You made good, what would have otherwise been a pretty bleak summer.

love,
julie

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Letter to a deceased person I wish I could talk to

Dear Christine,

I miss you. Every single day. So much more lately.

I think about you whenever I have avocado on my sandwich and I remember with a smile on my face how you would shoo it away from your plate.

I went to Disneyland with my friend this summer and I felt you there. I saw the brick that your parents got for you. It made me cry. Sometimes it still seems so unreal that you're gone. I still have not deleted you from my contacts on my phone, my email, my yahoo messenger.

Of course, it would scare the hell out of me if you ever logged on....

love,
julie

Letter to my favorite internet friend

Dear Twitter,

Look maybe this is cheating... but really sometimes you are the best friend I have, anywhere.

I became friends with you about three years ago and the relationship was rocky at first. I wasn't sure what to say- if there was any benefit to our coming together. It took a while before it hit me- the value of our connection.

You have brought a lot into my life. I've made many many friends. I've learned a lot. The first time I realized the sheer 'power' of twitter was when my boss asked me how to mute on Treo. I logged in and typed out the question. In minutes- MINUTES- I got about 10 replies.

Twitter- from that point on- you became 'my people'.

You're not as awesome as the Google... but rarely do I ask a question to my people and not get some sort of response. Sure, sometimes it's not a good response. Sometimes there are the less desirables that plague my twitter stream.

You have given me a voice. Sometimes, people actually enjoy reading what I have to say. You are a place where I can vent my trouble, ("Dear Husband: Stop being a dick") share my joys ("Graduation Day!"), get advice ("Can I substitute cool whip for milk in my mac and cheese?) and just chat with my friends. If people are active in my tweet stream, consider us sitting in a coffee house, chatting and enjoying a muffin. Or you know, naked...

Oh Twitter, you HAVE broken my heart ("Has anyone seen my pants?"). You've given me directions, traffic warning, and a way to access the outside world when other life was otherwise dark. You have helped me make me some amazing friends that I've met in real life. You have brought me lovers and confidants and heroes. You are a pretty good wingman, but sometimes a serious cock blocker.

You have made me popular and you all know how much I want to be one of the cool kids.

Sometimes I feel like we need a break. That I need to just stay away for a while because sometimes, believe it or not- the internet is NOT big enough.

However, I love you Twitter. Even if our relationship is a little wacky and even though you completely encourage my identity crisis and sometimes kill my self esteem a little. Better or worse, I don't know that I could make it through a day without you.

love,
julie

Sunday, August 08, 2010

Letter to my ex partner/ love/ crush

You know, I'm not doing this. Not yet- not now. Not here.

He knows who he is, he knows what I want to say.

He knows how I feel.

I love you, I hate you.
Don't leave me, go away.

I can't stay, don't go.

Lather Rinse Repeat. He knows.

We move on to love another day.

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Letter to a stranger

Dear Stranger,

I haven't seen you for a while. For most of the past 5 years I see you at the end of my work day. Sitting at the freeway onramp. When I had money, I always gave it to you. You were almost always there. I always made eye contact, even when I didn't have anything to give you.

Last year or so, the sign that you sometimes carried mentioned cancer.

So it makes me very sad to realize that I haven't seen you recently.

I hope that you are ok.

love,
julie

Letter to my dreams

Dear Dreams,

Well I really overshot the runway on that didn't I?

better luck next time,
julie

Letter to my siblings

Dear Siblings,

One of my greatest joys in life is having you. It is comforting to know that there are people who may not know me- but know my heart. It's comforting to know that you may not always agree with half of the shit that I do- you will still love me. And you know that I still love you.

I admit it's struggle being the youngest. Being the one who can never seem to get her shit together. The one who lives closest to mom and therefore monopolizes much of her time. It's not as easy as it looks. It's not easy thinking that nobody REALLY takes me seriously.

But I don't blame you for that.

I'm just grateful every day- that we grew up on a family where we may not always like each other, we may not always support the decisions, but that we are not one of those families that 'disowns'.

I never understood that about some families, more often American families. Where someone will disown another member. Cut them off completely as if they just weren't ever there. Who teaches these things? It's so foreign to me. I could never imagine just forgetting I ever had siblings. Thats like saying I never had this arm... it doesn't calculate. The other day I said this to a friend:

being a family just isn't an option for us...
I think it's sad to think that it's an option for anyone.
I mean, (she) can be a thorn...
but you know- my family?? the whole 'entity'...
it's who I am.
so you take the pieces as part of the whole.


love,
Julie

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Letter to my parents

Dear Mom,

This isn't an easy letter to write and I'm really not in any place to handle all the major things I need to talk about. I wish you knew me better. I wish I understood what you expected of me. I wish that I ever felt like I was a decent enough daughter for you to actually say outloud that I was good enough. That you were proud of me. You have no idea what that would mean if you actually said it to me and not people around me but never to me.

I applaud you for making motherhood look easy, but I don't think that it's necessary to make me feel like I've failed at it. Nobody is perfect. I'm certainly sure of that. I've learned a lot about raising my kids from you. Not by the way you raised me, but by the way you care for my kids.

There's so much that I haven't told you about me. So much that you wouldn't want to know. So much that you would deny, not understand or flat out deny. I wish it wasn't that way. I wish that we had some understanding that our feelings were valid even if they didn't make sense to each other.

While I may never be as level headed, brave or stable as the other sibs- I am certain that I am of value in this family, even if only for comic relief. It's not easy being the 'helpless' one- or the one who is always getting into trouble or the one who is always making mistakes or the one who married the drug addict. Nobody ever lets me forget it, ever.

While maybe this letter seems a bit aggressive, if you knew anything about me- maybe you'd know why. Maybe you'd understand that living the life I'm living is exhausting. I'm tired. I'm lonely and I'm very very scared. I don't blame you or dad, or Bill or even your husband now for anything that is wrong with me. Well, maybe Bill some... but that's something else you'll never know about because I won't ever tell you what happened there. Ever.

You know, like so many other conversations I've started with you- I can't finish this one either. You don't thnk know me. You don't think you want to. That's probably for the best.

I love you. I wish I could be more like you. Or maybe I just wish that I felt you liked me more.

Maybe both.

love,
julie

Harsh book quotes to remember as I go thru my breakup

These things rip my heart right out, but there is no denying that they are true.

He's Just Not that Into You
by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo


He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life.

A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If he's not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he's showing up at your new residence to do it in person ... if he's not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you. Stop taking his calls and let him know what it's like to live without you.

Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You're deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you.

He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great.

Don't give him the chance to reject you again.

Just remember that (he) is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.

---

I wish I could say that I was living by these thoughts... but I'm trying to remember them when I get too far down. especially that last one.


Monday, August 02, 2010

Letter to my partner

Dear Michael,

I'm not going to focus on the bad things. We have enough bad memories, regrets and disappoinments to last 25 years. Instead, I'm going to focus on something in common, but good. The kids.

Alex seems to be doing ok now that his gf is on vacation. He sleeps late and stays up late but I don't ive him too much grief about it. I have to constantly ride him about doing his chores which makes me feel kinda bad that I always told you to get off of his case about his chores. You were right, if I don't tell him 5 times, it doesn't get done. Perhaps it WAS getting done because you were riding him all day about it. I worry a little about the boys he's hanging out with. He has alluded that M and H are into some 'stuff I wouldn't like' - but that he doesn't do stuff like that cause his gf wouldn't like it. I suspect he's kept his nose clean, but you can never be sure.

Gabe is doing better. Lately I am frustated with him because he won't eat. He fusses about everything I make, but then complains that he's starving. I'm trying to be patient and understand that he's going thru a lot, but he's just pushing back for no apparent reason. I can't let the kid starve, but he's so stubborn, I'm tempted.

Danny is just Danny. He's in his own little world Like I said, he hasn't asked much about you- but I see his behavior regressing. He's watching the preschool TV shows and find himself fascinated as if he's not seem them before. It's a bit disconcerting but somehow it isn't manifesting into any other bad behavior so I won't complain too much.

And me? well, you know it isn't easy bein me these days. It was nice to see you the other day and I admit I was a bit needy and emotional. I'm glad that one of us is in a good place and we didn't let sad emotions get the best of us. I want to do what's best for all of us, and I think we are on the right path to that- but I can't help but be a little sad, thinking... what if?? I can't hold out those kind of hopes anymore as it puts too much pressure on you and to be honest, I think some things are better left out to pasture- you know? Regardless, it was good to see and hear you sounding hopeful about sobriety. It is good to see you hopeful about anything.

Either way, seeing you made me smile- the hug was much needed and I appreciated it more than you know. It's a dreary existence some days- and it's nice to know that someone will still give me a no strings attached hug if I ask for it.

Thank you for that.

love,
julie

Sunday, August 01, 2010

Letter to my best friend

Dear Carrie:

I really meant it when I asked if you could come out and just take care of me for a while. I know you would if you could. I cant think of anything more comforting than an unjudging person sitting next to me and holding my hair back through the emotional vomit. I know when I'm a mess, and I know when I need to come home again. If my mothers house wasn't full of people, I'd probably camp out there until the storm is over.

I sometimes wonder if our lives might have been different if we lived closer together. If you had never left California- or if I had moved to be closer to you. I can't tell you how many times I thought about packing up and leaving. I think the only reason I'd ever want to live in Oklahoma was because you were there.

It makes me sad that our kids don't know each other. That they didn't grow up sort enmeshed in each others lives the way my brothers friends/ kids did. They are all close in age, both 'sets', and I wonder how they could have been different had they been in each others lives. How we might have been different. Its funny how our lives have reflected each other- even from such a distance. That we are in different careers in the same field. It's ironic that we have spend our lives together but have spend probably less than a 1/2 percent of those years in each others physical company- but you'd never know it.

While I always considered myself the 'wilder' of us, I know that you were always the strong one- the strength in my corner. Now, before I get too 'wind beneath my wings' on you- I hope you know that I have always knows that I have a home in your home. That I have a safe haven from any storm and that no matter what, you will always accept me, my kids, and all my bullshit without question. You've always been my safe call. For that, I'm ever grateful. I hope that I've been the same for you and that you have never felt taken for granted.

I know that if I showed up with my kids and my cat, a bottle of cheap wine, some rotel and a deck of cards- I'd be home.

Many years ago we talked about taking an anniversary trip to celebrate 25 years together. I think we should still do that in a few years. We should bring the kids, rent a house by the water and just celebrate, cook, drink and play cards. I can't wait to see you again, my friend. I know I will soon.

love,
julie

(I'm going to be writing a letter every day for 30 days). Check back every day- or see this post to see the list of who I'm writing letters to. If you want to play along, let me know!!