Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I have spent 12 long years in a marriage that wasn't mine. It wasn't what I signed up for. It wasn't what I was promised. It wasn't what I wanted. So many times I would wake up and think, "this is not my marriage. this is not my life! how did I get here. and how do I get out??"

After 12 long years, last Friday I finally reached my breaking point. The line- that was 5 football fields long- had been crossed and all of a sudden it all seemed very simple and obvious to me. My answer was so simple. So very simple.

Get out, and don't ever come back.

Today I have a forward motion. I have a job interview today. Tomorrow I am looking at a house to move in to. a HOUSE! Me, in a house with screen doors, a garage and nobody living above or below me. In only my secret fantasys did I ever think I would live in a house, even if it was a rental. Surely I was not worthy of such a luxury.

This morning in talking with Chris (whom I will lovingly refer to here as "Daddy" from here on out), we were speaking about fear in relationships and how you always risk getting hurt. We can say that "Daddys don't leave" all we want to, but in reality, we know that sometimes they do. The point I made is that the journey on my way to that 'possible' end- is worth the pain of that possible end. It's worth it to risk something, in order to HAVE something.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained- Daddy said.

And this is so true. For so long I was afraid to walk out of that marriage for fear of how it might feel. Would I be strong enough to take care of my kids, and face the scrutiny I might face for leaving a man in his chronic condition? Sure it's what I wanted, it's what I NEEDED - but the cost was high, and what's on the other side? I had no clue. A people pleaser to the core, the fear of people telling me I'm a bad person (and me believing it) was enough to keep me trapped for all these years.

What I have found, in just a few short days- is that what is on the other side is possibility. I have no clue how this interview will go, but what if I'm offered the job and then all my hard work in school is rewarded with a fulfilling job and a fat paycheck? I have no clue if I will get this house, but what if I do an I get to wake up every morning in a house that I can afford- where my kids have a backyard and I can sit on a porch with a cup of coffee every morning. Sounds like a goddamn fairy tale to me. But who says I can't have that? Who says that I can't be the dirty princess in my own ridiculous life?

Nobody, that's who.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

smoking or non smoking?

I started smoking when I was about 15.  I used to steal my mom's Capri's cause they were so cute and then my dad's Marlboro's.  My sister used to smoke Benson and Hedges Delux Ultra Light 100's Menthol and for many years that was my cigarette of choice.  If I am going to buy a pack now, that is usually what I will buy- except that they are about $7.

I have stopped and started about 25 times in my 25 years of smoking.  I would smoke and then stop for months, or even years- maybe having a hit or two depending on who I was with and if they were smokers.  My first and second husband was and is a smoker.  My boyfriend is a smoker too.

I can say my first time to really stop was before my oldest was born, that was when they put that whompin tax on tax on cigarettes and they went from $2.50 to $5 bucks.  So I pretty much stopped buying them for several years until I met my current husband, and then I would smoke 3 or 4 a day.  Up to a pack a day if I am with smokers, or in New York.

When I met Chris, he was smoking electronic cigarettes and cutting back on regular ones.  I tried it out, and thought it was pretty cool.  He had two of them so he let me use the other one when we were out.  Then I bought my own, a different brand and one for my husband.  At this time Chris was thinking I should not be smoking at all as it became clear that I was not just smoking when I was with him.  I was starting to smoke regular cigarettes as well.  After much arguing about that, with both Chris AND my husband, I agreed to just smoke the electronic ones.  Well the brand I bought for my husband and I, well, I didn't like it much so I hijacked Chris'- since he went back to regular cigarettes full time.

What I love about them is that I can smoke them anywhere.  It's not smoke so technically I can smoke it in a restaurant, in my office and other 'non smoking areas'.  It's vapor, it doesn't smell like anything .  So my clothes don't smell, and either does my breath.  They have fancy flavors like the one I'm enjoying now- coconut.  I love my e-cig and that I'm not taking in all the 'crap' that goes with regular cigarettes.  No tobacco, no tar.  Just good old nicotine.  yah!!! Is it expensive?  not hardly.  Maybe $10 a month for new cartidges and I refill them with $10 refill that lasts for several months for both myself and my husband.

There is no HEALTHY electronic cigarette.  I'm not going to pretend there is.  There are some risks that I won't go into, you can google that.  The other down side, is also the upside.  I can do it anywhere.  So I do.  I admit I'm hitting that e-cig like a crackpipe.  I suspect I'm taking in more nicotine than if I was smoking regular cigarettes less often.  I can, and will start getting the refill liquid with less concentrations of nicotine, maybe down to the lowest amount of 8mg, as opposed to 36mg, which is the highest.  Maybe even eventually 0 which would just be vapor and flavor.

If you want to quit smoking, I think this can be helpful, but I admit for me- it got me smoking again- just without all the obvious negative side effects.  So I'm a smoker, but then... not really.  Well, ok- kinda.

Confusing Dreams

I have so much work to do, and yet all I can do is think to write.

Last night I had a dream that I was in NYC and I got into a cab, and the guy drove and drove and I ended up in Maryland.  Maryland of all places, where I've never been before.  So he says "we're here" and I knew I wasn't where I was supposed to be.  I was in Maryland, I somehow KNEW I was in Maryland, even though I have never been there before.

The driver would not take me back to New York and I had to get out of the cab.  We were at some sort of liquor store, and I got out of the car and went close to the store and picked up my cell phone.  It was dead.  No battery.  I had no charger- and where would I have plugged it in anyway?

I thought, "Stacy lives here in Maryland"  surely she will come get me, even if it's hours away from where she is.  I grabbed my phone again, seeing a pay phone up ahead.  Of course, the phone was dead.  I couldn't even get her number off the phone.  There was a phone book so I picked it up, then remembering that Stacy's last name is like Jones or Nguyen.  A million people have a last name like that.  So I couldn't call her.

It occurred to me then, that everyone thought I was in New York.  That nobody knew I had been dropped off in Maryland, and I had no way of contacting anyone.  I was stuck, alone, nobody would find me, I couldn't let anyone know where I was.  I was stranded, in Maryland.

I'm not sure what it means.  Why Maryland, and why wouldn't the NY cabbie drive me back?  I was just lost and alone and I don't even know why I was there in the first place.  Why would I have asked to come to Maryland?

Anyway, I woke up a little irritated by the whole dream, still trying to figure out what it's a metaphor for.  I don't feel lost, or alone, or abandoned.  I feel fine.  Why did I find myself lost in a strange place?