Sometimes I can't deny the signs from my Higher Power. For weeks I have been struggling with the decision about my apartment. Should I move out and therefore force my husband to move out. Should I stay and not uproot my boys- and let them transition a little easier with thier father moving out- assuming he actually DOES move out as planned and promised... My apartment is a pit, by the way. Leaks and power trouble and old appliances....
Last night a ceiling tile covering the air conditioning came crashing down in my hallway. Broken ceiling tile and water everywhere. The maintenance people are idiots- having still not fixed a hole in the bathroom wall that has been there and I've been calling about for over a month now.
I think that is my Higher Power telling me that I should just move. It's time to go. Bite the bullet, put up the cash and move out. I was standing still and waiting for a sign. I think I got one....
Now I have been practicing this "wait for a sign" technique in regards to many things. Of course when I GET that sign, like hundreds and thousands of dollars disappearing, I still don't listen. Case in point, my life right now. So perhaps if I actually LISTEN to the signs, DO what my gut is telling me that I should do, perhaps changes will follow.
About Me
- Julie
- Using my 40's as a do-over for my thirties, only smarter. I often mistake the bees and honey reference with the one about free milk and a cow. This might explain my whole life.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Thankful
Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness. . .
Sometimes at that moment a wave of light breaks into our darkness,
and it is as though a voice were saying: "You are accepted."
--Paul Tillich
------
Sometimes the good things in life don't make sense any more than the bad things. I have a hard time understanding why bad things befall good people, and why good things befall bad people. Today, I can only count my blessings and be thankful for the wonderful people who have appeared when all hope seemed lost.
Sometimes at that moment a wave of light breaks into our darkness,
and it is as though a voice were saying: "You are accepted."
--Paul Tillich
------
Sometimes the good things in life don't make sense any more than the bad things. I have a hard time understanding why bad things befall good people, and why good things befall bad people. Today, I can only count my blessings and be thankful for the wonderful people who have appeared when all hope seemed lost.
Love
Since I am not going to be actually going back to meeting for a month, I need to keep SOME program in my life, somehow. School starts again tomorrow- and this month, my husband is supposed to be moving out. So I'm going to do my best to blog as often as I can. Journal here about what is going on, what I'm feeling, and what I'm thinking about the upcoming changes. I can feel the stress weighing me down. I've had a consistent headache for a week now. So I need to outlet it.
I originally started this blog as an outlet for my Al-Anon program, so I would like to get back to that.
This is from "Living with Sobriety":
For me, love means giving and getting comfort, care and compassion; for others there can be no love without dignity and shared responsibility. For some, feelings die when they are not returned in kind, nurtured and protected by an attentive partner. Others can love unconditionally, but from a distance. The capacity for loving may exceed a partner's capacity or it may not. Whatever our feelings may be, they are neither bad nor good; they simply are, and we have to work with them. I am free to love whomever I choose, and love, freely given is the most rewarding.
=========
I have learned a lot about love being in this marriage. For all it's faults, it's only because I, at one time, loved him with all my heart that I ever put myself through this. Sometimes it's been insane, and sometimes I lost sight of what love is supposed to be like. But who's to say? It's only been in the last year that I have realized that the love that my husband and I once shared is no longer growing. The roots have been picked apart- and we simply can't replant them. For some people, they have been able to love unconditionally from a distance. And I applaud those people who were able to have boundaries and detach and allow thier alcoholic loved ones to suffer thier own consequences and move on. I can't do that. Maybe I'm not strong enough.
I am unable to detach from his problems and remain in this relationship. I have control issues that after all these years, I still can't let go of. I have expectations- and as I read in a book on divorce that I just bought, "Reality Railroads Expectations."
No kidding.
So with that, I have to move on. Because my inablity to detach, will only bring me down. It will only further perpetuate this ugly cycle and probably kill him faster that he is killing himself.
Thoughts on love???
I originally started this blog as an outlet for my Al-Anon program, so I would like to get back to that.
This is from "Living with Sobriety":
For me, love means giving and getting comfort, care and compassion; for others there can be no love without dignity and shared responsibility. For some, feelings die when they are not returned in kind, nurtured and protected by an attentive partner. Others can love unconditionally, but from a distance. The capacity for loving may exceed a partner's capacity or it may not. Whatever our feelings may be, they are neither bad nor good; they simply are, and we have to work with them. I am free to love whomever I choose, and love, freely given is the most rewarding.
=========
I have learned a lot about love being in this marriage. For all it's faults, it's only because I, at one time, loved him with all my heart that I ever put myself through this. Sometimes it's been insane, and sometimes I lost sight of what love is supposed to be like. But who's to say? It's only been in the last year that I have realized that the love that my husband and I once shared is no longer growing. The roots have been picked apart- and we simply can't replant them. For some people, they have been able to love unconditionally from a distance. And I applaud those people who were able to have boundaries and detach and allow thier alcoholic loved ones to suffer thier own consequences and move on. I can't do that. Maybe I'm not strong enough.
I am unable to detach from his problems and remain in this relationship. I have control issues that after all these years, I still can't let go of. I have expectations- and as I read in a book on divorce that I just bought, "Reality Railroads Expectations."
No kidding.
So with that, I have to move on. Because my inablity to detach, will only bring me down. It will only further perpetuate this ugly cycle and probably kill him faster that he is killing himself.
Thoughts on love???
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Just a little Patience
"The key to everything is Patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it."--Arnold Glasow.
Growing up there was a sign in my mothers house that said "Nothing worthwhile comes easy." I think I have remembered that my entire life and call back on it whenever I find myself getting impatient or feeling like the struggle for what I want is too much to handle. Waiting has always been something that SEEMS like a good idea in theory, but in practice I have a hard time actually doing it.
I am waiting on a lot of things lately. Things that really ARE worth while-and some days I remember that it's worth it for me to be patient- and other days I just want to rush head first to the next phase of my life- as if I have control over it to begin with. My husband is supposed to be moving within 6 weeks. So far he is "talking about it", but I have no idea what his plan really is. He hasn't started packing anything yet. I am still considering just packing up and moving myself. Just to make sure he is left with no choice. It's harsh, but it seems like his M O is always to do nothing, and leave everyone else with no choice but to 'deal with him'. And my dealing days are over. That's for damn sure.
Lately he has been mumbling about how much pressure he is under. The stress of everything that has 'befallen' him. I did NOT make the obvious comment about how a lot of that is self inflicted, even though I was tempted. I won't be swayed by guilt. It hits me sometimes, and some days I do feel bad- but I know that I am still doing a lot more than most women would have done. I am still taking a soft stance with him when I could have thrown him to the streets with nothing. I am continuing to enable him in a milder way- giving him undeserved some time to get his crap together. I'm not trying to be a martyr about it- but I DO think that my extra effort to be kind make it ok that I really care too much about the stress he's under.
Believe it or not- he has yet to do anything to relieve MY stress.
Growing up there was a sign in my mothers house that said "Nothing worthwhile comes easy." I think I have remembered that my entire life and call back on it whenever I find myself getting impatient or feeling like the struggle for what I want is too much to handle. Waiting has always been something that SEEMS like a good idea in theory, but in practice I have a hard time actually doing it.
I am waiting on a lot of things lately. Things that really ARE worth while-and some days I remember that it's worth it for me to be patient- and other days I just want to rush head first to the next phase of my life- as if I have control over it to begin with. My husband is supposed to be moving within 6 weeks. So far he is "talking about it", but I have no idea what his plan really is. He hasn't started packing anything yet. I am still considering just packing up and moving myself. Just to make sure he is left with no choice. It's harsh, but it seems like his M O is always to do nothing, and leave everyone else with no choice but to 'deal with him'. And my dealing days are over. That's for damn sure.
Lately he has been mumbling about how much pressure he is under. The stress of everything that has 'befallen' him. I did NOT make the obvious comment about how a lot of that is self inflicted, even though I was tempted. I won't be swayed by guilt. It hits me sometimes, and some days I do feel bad- but I know that I am still doing a lot more than most women would have done. I am still taking a soft stance with him when I could have thrown him to the streets with nothing. I am continuing to enable him in a milder way- giving him undeserved some time to get his crap together. I'm not trying to be a martyr about it- but I DO think that my extra effort to be kind make it ok that I really care too much about the stress he's under.
Believe it or not- he has yet to do anything to relieve MY stress.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Jumping off
I had breakfast yesterday with my sponsor. Actually, not my sponsor anymore, but she was my sponsor and I think when get back to program, she will be my sponsor again. It was nice to catch up with her. I hadn't seen her in a while and we haven't had too much time to talk lately. She was understanding about my decision not to go back to meeting until after my husband moves out. She agreed that what I need to do is stay angry. She told me, what she could NOT tell me when she was my sponsor- but can safely say now that she's just my friend. "Get the hell away from him and save your own life." We don't give advice in Al-Anon. We only offer experience strength and hope. Support in whichever path each of us chooses.
I can forgive later. Right now I need to stay angry. I can "Let Go" later. She agreed with me. She assured me that program will always be there for me. That I knew. I believe in it. It helps me move on. And I know that once he's gone, I will need help to get over it. But I can't get past it while I'm still living in it. Anger fuels me. Resentment keeps me moving forward. Freedom is my only revenge. It's the only way I can prove my point and not become a horrible ugly hateful person. My point? I guess that I deserve better. That I am worth more than what I have. I am worth more than what he thinks of me.
Co-dependency is a wicked whore. It's just as unhealthy as any addiction and perpetuates the disease in a very silent way. I enabled him until he was practically paralyzed by it and hated him every step of the way. I resented him for his inability to take care of himself, but I was always there to take care of him, so he suffered no real consequences except having to hear my bitch at him and tear him down for being unable to take care of things on his own, confirming his bad opinion of himself and keeping him stuck in his own self pity- keeping the cycle going. A vicious and nasty little circle. I admit, even now, it's a struggle for me to keep my mouth shut when I know he has very little options. I find myself looking for ways to help him, without it seeming like I'm helping him. (Luckily the larger efforts I find myself thinking about are quickly interrupted by the voices in my head- asking me if I'm "out of my fucking mind?".) It's hard to stop doing what I've always done, even if the results have been disastrous. I still CARE about him. It's hard not to feel somewhat responsible for the way things have turned out. His sister told me I probably should have left him to sink or swim years ago. And he would have swam, and maybe with less damage than he's got to carry now. He'll swim now. Perhaps with moderate assistance, but as long as he stays afloat- stays alive... that is all that matters. I think that the ones who will help him, realize that carrying him will eventually kill him. It seems that they are forcing him to do the footwork in taking care of his health- applying for disability, keeping up with his appointments, etc. Offering him assistance based on his own efforts. I think they realize the damage that has been done by all I did (all WE did) to help him and protect him. And really, he's much worse off now, physically and mentally- than he was three years ago. I knew it wasn't right, but I could not bear to watch him suffer- I guess I did what I did to make myself feel better- and in the end I know he just got worse. I have to accept some responsibility for that. Perhaps if he was forced to make it on his own back then, he would have gotten help before it got worse. Actually, I know he would have. Three years ago, using, without any other place to turn, he may have gone into a inpatient rehab center. That may have saved him.
I see that I've drifted into this place where it seems like I'm blaming myself. I'm not. This is not my fault. I know that. All of this began with the bottle. At the core of it all- it's an alcoholic marriage. It's a family disease and we all play a part. It's not my fault- I got sick too. The whole family gets sick from addiction one way or the other. There is a pamphlet called The Merry Go Round of Denial, and as silly as I always thought the title was- it's is absolutely true. Round and Round. More like a speeding Merry Go Round, fueled by vodka, cocaine and rage- throwing off that was not hanging on for dear life. Now we just have to look around, and pick up the peices that have been thrown aside.
I can't help but wonder, thinking about that analogy, why the hell I didn't let go when it started to pick up speed??
I can forgive later. Right now I need to stay angry. I can "Let Go" later. She agreed with me. She assured me that program will always be there for me. That I knew. I believe in it. It helps me move on. And I know that once he's gone, I will need help to get over it. But I can't get past it while I'm still living in it. Anger fuels me. Resentment keeps me moving forward. Freedom is my only revenge. It's the only way I can prove my point and not become a horrible ugly hateful person. My point? I guess that I deserve better. That I am worth more than what I have. I am worth more than what he thinks of me.
Co-dependency is a wicked whore. It's just as unhealthy as any addiction and perpetuates the disease in a very silent way. I enabled him until he was practically paralyzed by it and hated him every step of the way. I resented him for his inability to take care of himself, but I was always there to take care of him, so he suffered no real consequences except having to hear my bitch at him and tear him down for being unable to take care of things on his own, confirming his bad opinion of himself and keeping him stuck in his own self pity- keeping the cycle going. A vicious and nasty little circle. I admit, even now, it's a struggle for me to keep my mouth shut when I know he has very little options. I find myself looking for ways to help him, without it seeming like I'm helping him. (Luckily the larger efforts I find myself thinking about are quickly interrupted by the voices in my head- asking me if I'm "out of my fucking mind?".) It's hard to stop doing what I've always done, even if the results have been disastrous. I still CARE about him. It's hard not to feel somewhat responsible for the way things have turned out. His sister told me I probably should have left him to sink or swim years ago. And he would have swam, and maybe with less damage than he's got to carry now. He'll swim now. Perhaps with moderate assistance, but as long as he stays afloat- stays alive... that is all that matters. I think that the ones who will help him, realize that carrying him will eventually kill him. It seems that they are forcing him to do the footwork in taking care of his health- applying for disability, keeping up with his appointments, etc. Offering him assistance based on his own efforts. I think they realize the damage that has been done by all I did (all WE did) to help him and protect him. And really, he's much worse off now, physically and mentally- than he was three years ago. I knew it wasn't right, but I could not bear to watch him suffer- I guess I did what I did to make myself feel better- and in the end I know he just got worse. I have to accept some responsibility for that. Perhaps if he was forced to make it on his own back then, he would have gotten help before it got worse. Actually, I know he would have. Three years ago, using, without any other place to turn, he may have gone into a inpatient rehab center. That may have saved him.
I see that I've drifted into this place where it seems like I'm blaming myself. I'm not. This is not my fault. I know that. All of this began with the bottle. At the core of it all- it's an alcoholic marriage. It's a family disease and we all play a part. It's not my fault- I got sick too. The whole family gets sick from addiction one way or the other. There is a pamphlet called The Merry Go Round of Denial, and as silly as I always thought the title was- it's is absolutely true. Round and Round. More like a speeding Merry Go Round, fueled by vodka, cocaine and rage- throwing off that was not hanging on for dear life. Now we just have to look around, and pick up the peices that have been thrown aside.
I can't help but wonder, thinking about that analogy, why the hell I didn't let go when it started to pick up speed??
Friday, August 11, 2006
What's fair?
Thought for today
Some of us get hung up on what's fair. We might feel, because we've worked hard to straighten out our lives, we should be rewarded. We might keep score of what we get and what others get. And we complain if it's "not fair."
Maybe we should be glad life isn't fair. Why? Most of us caused a lot of trouble we've never had to pay for. And we've hurt a lot of people who haven't gotten even. Would we really want life to be fair?
Some of us get hung up on what's fair. We might feel, because we've worked hard to straighten out our lives, we should be rewarded. We might keep score of what we get and what others get. And we complain if it's "not fair."
Maybe we should be glad life isn't fair. Why? Most of us caused a lot of trouble we've never had to pay for. And we've hurt a lot of people who haven't gotten even. Would we really want life to be fair?
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Guns drawn
Well the war is on and there won't be any winners.
I emailed Michaels parents today because I was concerned that he hadn't taken his medications and that I felt he needed help taking care of himself because it seems like he is not consistent. I was not trying to go behind his back, because I knew he would find out. His parents are NOT on my side. They didn't call me- they called HIM and told him what I said. I knew they would and I am fine with that. I am worried about him. I can't help him. He can't stand me. But his parents have been pretty involved with his recent hospital stays and I wanted them to be in the know about what's going on. He claimed he was taking the pills from the bottle and not the daily pill case we set up. I think that's bullshit, because why would he open 8 different bottles of pills, 4 times a day when they are already separated and ready to go in a nice handy case. But whatever.... just keep handin out the bullshit until someone believes you.
In anycase. He is very angry. I don't remember what he accused me of trying to do. I am not sure if he thinks I was trying to score points or turn people against him, but I was not. I will gladly forward the email I sent to his parents- I make no apoligies for my actions.
He claims he does not need me, so I told him to get the fuck out. Plain and simple. It's ugly. It's only going to get uglier. He wants to hate me, I should just let him. If I do something hateful and mean, he gets angry. If I do something nice, I am sending mixed messages and he gets even more angry. I just want him to leave. I think that's been made clear. There's no confusion about that.
I fear it's going to get worse before it's over.
I emailed Michaels parents today because I was concerned that he hadn't taken his medications and that I felt he needed help taking care of himself because it seems like he is not consistent. I was not trying to go behind his back, because I knew he would find out. His parents are NOT on my side. They didn't call me- they called HIM and told him what I said. I knew they would and I am fine with that. I am worried about him. I can't help him. He can't stand me. But his parents have been pretty involved with his recent hospital stays and I wanted them to be in the know about what's going on. He claimed he was taking the pills from the bottle and not the daily pill case we set up. I think that's bullshit, because why would he open 8 different bottles of pills, 4 times a day when they are already separated and ready to go in a nice handy case. But whatever.... just keep handin out the bullshit until someone believes you.
In anycase. He is very angry. I don't remember what he accused me of trying to do. I am not sure if he thinks I was trying to score points or turn people against him, but I was not. I will gladly forward the email I sent to his parents- I make no apoligies for my actions.
He claims he does not need me, so I told him to get the fuck out. Plain and simple. It's ugly. It's only going to get uglier. He wants to hate me, I should just let him. If I do something hateful and mean, he gets angry. If I do something nice, I am sending mixed messages and he gets even more angry. I just want him to leave. I think that's been made clear. There's no confusion about that.
I fear it's going to get worse before it's over.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
ADVERSITY
Father Leo's Daily Meditation
"Adversity reveals genius,
prosperity conceals it."
--Horace
Today I believe that the only way to understand God, the world,
my neighbor and myself is through some degree of suffering. Pain
and suffering are humbling in the truest sense; they stop you from
being arrogant, selfish and "prideful". Being spoiled stops me from experiencing the real world and stops me from growing.
Today adversity is part of life and part of being human. Not to
grow through adversity is to die. To have everything is to
experience nothing. To feel in life -- to have emotion -- demands
adversity and pain.
Teach me to be grateful for the suffering that leads to growth.
"Adversity reveals genius,
prosperity conceals it."
--Horace
Today I believe that the only way to understand God, the world,
my neighbor and myself is through some degree of suffering. Pain
and suffering are humbling in the truest sense; they stop you from
being arrogant, selfish and "prideful". Being spoiled stops me from experiencing the real world and stops me from growing.
Today adversity is part of life and part of being human. Not to
grow through adversity is to die. To have everything is to
experience nothing. To feel in life -- to have emotion -- demands
adversity and pain.
Teach me to be grateful for the suffering that leads to growth.
The business of The End
I'm trying to get along and play nice, but it seems like it can go from civil to screamin in 10 minutes. There is no 'good conversation' about divorce. There is no good way to lay out the details without someone getting upset. For as much as I would like to approach this in a matter-of-fact business like manner. It's not business, it's personal. It's VERY personal. Its my life, and the end of it's current status. It's his life and ultimately a lot of changes there too. Obviously.
I don't want to play myself up like I am some saint who is just doing everything for the good of someone else- but I think I AM being incredibly fair, under the circumstances. Joint Custody, 50% visitation- no child support, no alimony. The bills are mine cause I am the only one paying them anyway. Legal separation so he can stay on my health insurance for at least two years. Really, I think I'm being just SWELL considering I could probably get a good lawyer, pull out every last stop and make his life pretty miserable. But I'm not going to do that- because I just don't want to have this be the ugliest thing.
The arguments were always huge. Neither of us is willing to back down in the midst of an argument. It's not that I don't like to lose, I just don't like to lose TO HIM. In my opinion, he sees the world through the eyes of the man he WANTS to be, not the man he IS- so to me, a lot of his views are skewed. The things that he says and the ideas he has, are good- and viable if they were coming from someone with a bit more credibility. I spend a lot of time defending myself against his ability to take my every insecurity and throw it at me. And then tell me he's not trying to hurt me. It's almost like having an argument with my mother.
Either way, I am trying to just put one foot in front of the other and do the next indicated thing. I have jobs on my plate today that does not at all include him, moving, or the divorce. Today I just want to have a nice day. Tackle some projects, maybe have lunch with a friend or two, run some errands after work- go home and just retreat to my corner, agreeing to just keep my mouth shut and pray that he does too. I don't want to hear it anymore.
I have no idea how we will keep things civil until October.
I just want my life back.
I want to move on.
I want to be free.
I want to be happy.
I don't want to play myself up like I am some saint who is just doing everything for the good of someone else- but I think I AM being incredibly fair, under the circumstances. Joint Custody, 50% visitation- no child support, no alimony. The bills are mine cause I am the only one paying them anyway. Legal separation so he can stay on my health insurance for at least two years. Really, I think I'm being just SWELL considering I could probably get a good lawyer, pull out every last stop and make his life pretty miserable. But I'm not going to do that- because I just don't want to have this be the ugliest thing.
The arguments were always huge. Neither of us is willing to back down in the midst of an argument. It's not that I don't like to lose, I just don't like to lose TO HIM. In my opinion, he sees the world through the eyes of the man he WANTS to be, not the man he IS- so to me, a lot of his views are skewed. The things that he says and the ideas he has, are good- and viable if they were coming from someone with a bit more credibility. I spend a lot of time defending myself against his ability to take my every insecurity and throw it at me. And then tell me he's not trying to hurt me. It's almost like having an argument with my mother.
Either way, I am trying to just put one foot in front of the other and do the next indicated thing. I have jobs on my plate today that does not at all include him, moving, or the divorce. Today I just want to have a nice day. Tackle some projects, maybe have lunch with a friend or two, run some errands after work- go home and just retreat to my corner, agreeing to just keep my mouth shut and pray that he does too. I don't want to hear it anymore.
I have no idea how we will keep things civil until October.
I just want my life back.
I want to move on.
I want to be free.
I want to be happy.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
The Roses
When we got married, we were each given a rose. The guy said some words about being a couple and how we are tied together, but still two seperate people. And we put the roses together and he tied them with a ribbon. These roses have always been on display in our house. Not always so gently with the care they deserve- but they are always visible. The idea behind it was to use the roses as a reminder when thing got tough, or to use them as a signal to the other person when one of us was struggling. Separate the roses as a way to show the other person that 'there is a problem' and we need to work at getting them back together. We never did untie the roses. Not once.
Next week we will have been married 7 years. Today, he told me that he doesn't love me anymore. Now I already told him that I was moving out. That I could no longer remain in this marriage. But I never said, "I don't love you." It was never about the fact that I don't love him. I really don't know if I do. I don't know if you truly CAN love someone for whom you hold so much anger and resentment. Regardless, I would never say that to him. I think it's unnecessary and hurtful and the only reason you would come out and say that to someone is if you had the intention to hurt them. And it did hurt.
I don't know if I have written in the blog that I do not love him anymore. It's just not that simple. I love him because he is the father of my children. I love him because there was a time, a very long time ago- that my heart skipped a beat when he walked in the room. There was a time when I really didn't think I could live without him. Maybe those thoughts were misguided, and maybe they were the desperate cries of a co-dependent needing her own emotional 'fix'- but they were my feelings, no matter how unhealthy and misplaced they may have been. I simply can't stay in this marriage any longer- because the love that I do have for him, is simply not enough to tolerate everything else. It's diluted with resentment and anger and bleeding out every time I open my mouth to talk to him. I'm just tired of hurting. I'm exhausted from it. I just want to move forward. Pack up my boys and leave this life behind. There is no use in talking about what went wrong. Everything went wrong. EVERY THING.
So I sit here, feeling quite beat up from the entire conversation we had, looking up at "The Roses." Sticking out of a magazine box. They are dusty. The ribbon is dirty, but still tied.
Neglected. Ignored. Forgotten.
I don't think I will untie them when I move out. I don't need that kind of a gesture.
The fact that the roses that represent our 7 year marriage are dusty, held together by a dirty ribbon, and carelessly shoved in a box is symbolic enough.
Next week we will have been married 7 years. Today, he told me that he doesn't love me anymore. Now I already told him that I was moving out. That I could no longer remain in this marriage. But I never said, "I don't love you." It was never about the fact that I don't love him. I really don't know if I do. I don't know if you truly CAN love someone for whom you hold so much anger and resentment. Regardless, I would never say that to him. I think it's unnecessary and hurtful and the only reason you would come out and say that to someone is if you had the intention to hurt them. And it did hurt.
I don't know if I have written in the blog that I do not love him anymore. It's just not that simple. I love him because he is the father of my children. I love him because there was a time, a very long time ago- that my heart skipped a beat when he walked in the room. There was a time when I really didn't think I could live without him. Maybe those thoughts were misguided, and maybe they were the desperate cries of a co-dependent needing her own emotional 'fix'- but they were my feelings, no matter how unhealthy and misplaced they may have been. I simply can't stay in this marriage any longer- because the love that I do have for him, is simply not enough to tolerate everything else. It's diluted with resentment and anger and bleeding out every time I open my mouth to talk to him. I'm just tired of hurting. I'm exhausted from it. I just want to move forward. Pack up my boys and leave this life behind. There is no use in talking about what went wrong. Everything went wrong. EVERY THING.
So I sit here, feeling quite beat up from the entire conversation we had, looking up at "The Roses." Sticking out of a magazine box. They are dusty. The ribbon is dirty, but still tied.
Neglected. Ignored. Forgotten.
I don't think I will untie them when I move out. I don't need that kind of a gesture.
The fact that the roses that represent our 7 year marriage are dusty, held together by a dirty ribbon, and carelessly shoved in a box is symbolic enough.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Making changes
Well I went and looked at an apartment today. I remember now, why I always HATED moving. The process of just FINDING a place is so tedious I just want to swallow a knife. The last two apartments we moved to- my husband found. I told him, find a place- I want AC, a dishwasher and a place to park my car. Other than that- a roof, maybe some doors, a few walls, and I'm good. I really don't WANT to move. Where I live now is close enough to everything I want. It could use a very good cleaning and paintjob. Some drawers fixed etc.
I'm assured that HE is going to move out. That I don't HAVE to move, and that he WILL. He's going to have to anyway. It's what I would prefer. I just want to make sure that he goes- and does not feel so comfy to just hang out here. Walk right in and set up camp when I'm not home. Moving is the best thing for me. Someplace new- but maybe I don't need to do that right away. If he moves out- maybe I can wait until January. I'm always stalling.... I hate moving.
But I did go and LOOK. That's a step in the right direction.
I'm assured that HE is going to move out. That I don't HAVE to move, and that he WILL. He's going to have to anyway. It's what I would prefer. I just want to make sure that he goes- and does not feel so comfy to just hang out here. Walk right in and set up camp when I'm not home. Moving is the best thing for me. Someplace new- but maybe I don't need to do that right away. If he moves out- maybe I can wait until January. I'm always stalling.... I hate moving.
But I did go and LOOK. That's a step in the right direction.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Powerless
This morning I woke up and was relieved to find a new blog post from my brother in Iraq. Sometimes I don't even read them at the time, but it's nice to see them and know he's alive another day.
When he is home- this is his second trip over there this time around and God willing, he will be home before the holidays. His post was very defeated. He was frustrated. He was tired. I was reading his posts and thinking to myself talk about being powerless. There he is, he and his team and they are doing thier job and training the Iraqi soldiers and doing thier best, only to come back to camp at the end of the night, feeling like "in the end, there will be nothing left but us." I made me think that even in the true sense of life or death situations- you can only do what is within your control- and that is not much.
You put one foot in front of the other. You do your job. You do what you are trained to do, what you are supposed to do, what you are paid to do. You do your part to the best of your ability and give up the results because you simply can't make things happen if someone else has another agenda. And in the end- even if things did not turn out the way you would have liked, you have to be able to say "My side of the street is clean and I can't control what happens on the other side."
It's like that in everything I guess. You just move forward and do what you do. Do your part and give up the results. I need to remember that today. I can only handle what's on my plate. I can't control the plans of other people. I have to remember that today and let it go.
When he is home- this is his second trip over there this time around and God willing, he will be home before the holidays. His post was very defeated. He was frustrated. He was tired. I was reading his posts and thinking to myself talk about being powerless. There he is, he and his team and they are doing thier job and training the Iraqi soldiers and doing thier best, only to come back to camp at the end of the night, feeling like "in the end, there will be nothing left but us." I made me think that even in the true sense of life or death situations- you can only do what is within your control- and that is not much.
You put one foot in front of the other. You do your job. You do what you are trained to do, what you are supposed to do, what you are paid to do. You do your part to the best of your ability and give up the results because you simply can't make things happen if someone else has another agenda. And in the end- even if things did not turn out the way you would have liked, you have to be able to say "My side of the street is clean and I can't control what happens on the other side."
It's like that in everything I guess. You just move forward and do what you do. Do your part and give up the results. I need to remember that today. I can only handle what's on my plate. I can't control the plans of other people. I have to remember that today and let it go.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Today's Reminder
"Right now, today I will lighten my burden by dropping that part of it which does not belong to me. Today I will look more closely at my thoughts and impulses, and take only such action as is required of me." (ODAT)
There's a lot of things going on around me that I have no control over. My husband is talking about moving out- but in a way that is so unrealistic I just want to say, "Are ya kidding me??" But I just say, "oh- interesting." and keep my mouth shut. Far be it from me to discourage him to explore options that mean he will be leaving!! And in the end (of September), if he doesn't leave, I will and he will be forced to. I may as well plan for that. I only wish I didn't have to wait until then.
I can't make things happen in the manner in which I want them to happen. My life is not directly impacted on most things that occupy space in my brain. I can't counsel, advise or push my opinion because it's not my work. It's not my business- even if I have a right to be concerned or am even afforded the right to CARE about it.
Only the things that are my business, are the matters in which I need to move about my plate. Nobody needs to handle my problems and tasks for me- and I have to assume that I am just as annoying to others when I try to butt in or offer unsolicited advice in situations that are not mine.
I really need a meeting. Badly. I am feeling more lost in my own head lately and trying to reach out and grasp at straws to find a sense of balance. But I have my issues about that too. But you know, the relationship with my husband is a done deal. It's done. I have to remember that it's over and Al-Anon is for me. It's not 'how to stay married' or 'how to get divorced'. I came to that on my own. What I need now, is a good way to deal with me and the struggles in my own head. I could find that through church, or through counseling. But really- program has always been the most freeing and spiritual therapy I've ever had.
I know...go go go. Get your ass to a meeting. I know.
There's a lot of things going on around me that I have no control over. My husband is talking about moving out- but in a way that is so unrealistic I just want to say, "Are ya kidding me??" But I just say, "oh- interesting." and keep my mouth shut. Far be it from me to discourage him to explore options that mean he will be leaving!! And in the end (of September), if he doesn't leave, I will and he will be forced to. I may as well plan for that. I only wish I didn't have to wait until then.
I can't make things happen in the manner in which I want them to happen. My life is not directly impacted on most things that occupy space in my brain. I can't counsel, advise or push my opinion because it's not my work. It's not my business- even if I have a right to be concerned or am even afforded the right to CARE about it.
Only the things that are my business, are the matters in which I need to move about my plate. Nobody needs to handle my problems and tasks for me- and I have to assume that I am just as annoying to others when I try to butt in or offer unsolicited advice in situations that are not mine.
I really need a meeting. Badly. I am feeling more lost in my own head lately and trying to reach out and grasp at straws to find a sense of balance. But I have my issues about that too. But you know, the relationship with my husband is a done deal. It's done. I have to remember that it's over and Al-Anon is for me. It's not 'how to stay married' or 'how to get divorced'. I came to that on my own. What I need now, is a good way to deal with me and the struggles in my own head. I could find that through church, or through counseling. But really- program has always been the most freeing and spiritual therapy I've ever had.
I know...go go go. Get your ass to a meeting. I know.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Resentment is a shiny shield
My husband was in the hospital all weekend. He got sick again, really really sick and you know, I am just indifferent about it. I am not convinced that THIS hospital stay is any different than the all the ones before it. And you know, while his attitude appears a little different-I can't distunguish it as any different than any of the other times that he 'appeared' to have an attitude change, and didn't. I trying not to pay attention to it, because I don't really believe that he's actually had one. Or at least that he is willing to do what it takes to feel better in the long term.
But either way, my fear is that he will suck me in to believing that this situation is tolerable and I will either attempt to believe him, only to get my heart stomped when he resorts back to his usual behavior. Or I will completely rebel against it and attack him in his sleep. I don't know that in the many times I have decided to give this marriage a chance, it was ever because I felt that I loved him so much that I could not live without out him. At least not in the past two or three years. It was usually because I felt guilty. It was convenient, or it was what I thought was best for the kids. It was never about love. My reasons for staying were never because I loved him so much, nor is my reasons for finally leaving about NOT loving him.
Love is irrelevant at this point. In this situation, it's not enough in which to base any decisions upon. To stay or go is not about love- because I will never NOT love him, nor will I ever love him again ENOUGH to get past all that's happened. So it's not about love- it's just survival and breaking the pattern. I simply have to be honest and admit that I want more than this. I don't think he will change, and even if he did- I don't think it will matter. That is the honest truth. I don't think I will ever let him forget what he's done. I don't think I can ever forgive him for not living up to my expectations, for each broken promise in which I have committed to memory. Maybe that makes me self-righteous, maybe it makes me selfish, but it's the truth. This relationship makes me the absolute worst version of myself. I don't like who I am with him. I don't like myself in this marriage. I don't think he's losing so much really. For all that I claim to do in my second career as a martyr-I cannot deny that to him, I've become a bitter, angry, suspicious, mean, sarcastic, apathetic BITCH.
And it doesn't bother me.
I see that as my armor, my defense against him. My right.
I have no plans to stop being that way any time soon.
He commented to me recently that I should hear myself when I talk to him. I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Too bad." Who the hell have I become?? I'll tell you. I've become my mother on her very worst day. Razor tongue and not a care in the world if I cut his head right off with it. And that is no way to live my life. I know that I don't have any any right to be hateful and ugly and still REMAIN in this marriage. I know that a certain amount of fault is mine too for that type of behavior. And all I can do to stop it, is leave. I won't put down my armor. Not again. Not ever again.
But either way, my fear is that he will suck me in to believing that this situation is tolerable and I will either attempt to believe him, only to get my heart stomped when he resorts back to his usual behavior. Or I will completely rebel against it and attack him in his sleep. I don't know that in the many times I have decided to give this marriage a chance, it was ever because I felt that I loved him so much that I could not live without out him. At least not in the past two or three years. It was usually because I felt guilty. It was convenient, or it was what I thought was best for the kids. It was never about love. My reasons for staying were never because I loved him so much, nor is my reasons for finally leaving about NOT loving him.
Love is irrelevant at this point. In this situation, it's not enough in which to base any decisions upon. To stay or go is not about love- because I will never NOT love him, nor will I ever love him again ENOUGH to get past all that's happened. So it's not about love- it's just survival and breaking the pattern. I simply have to be honest and admit that I want more than this. I don't think he will change, and even if he did- I don't think it will matter. That is the honest truth. I don't think I will ever let him forget what he's done. I don't think I can ever forgive him for not living up to my expectations, for each broken promise in which I have committed to memory. Maybe that makes me self-righteous, maybe it makes me selfish, but it's the truth. This relationship makes me the absolute worst version of myself. I don't like who I am with him. I don't like myself in this marriage. I don't think he's losing so much really. For all that I claim to do in my second career as a martyr-I cannot deny that to him, I've become a bitter, angry, suspicious, mean, sarcastic, apathetic BITCH.
And it doesn't bother me.
I see that as my armor, my defense against him. My right.
I have no plans to stop being that way any time soon.
He commented to me recently that I should hear myself when I talk to him. I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Too bad." Who the hell have I become?? I'll tell you. I've become my mother on her very worst day. Razor tongue and not a care in the world if I cut his head right off with it. And that is no way to live my life. I know that I don't have any any right to be hateful and ugly and still REMAIN in this marriage. I know that a certain amount of fault is mine too for that type of behavior. And all I can do to stop it, is leave. I won't put down my armor. Not again. Not ever again.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Progress, Not Perfection
If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average.---Ovid
Our program speaks of spiritual progress, not perfection. We can take all the time we need. Our bottom line is steady progress. We can ask ourselves, "Am I a little more spiritual than I was a year ago? A month ago?" If the answer is yes, we're doing great. If the answer is no, we should look at why.
Our illness pushes us to be perfect. In recovery, we learn that we are free to be what we are---human. Even the world's fastest runners are average in most other areas of their lives.. This is okay. Remember, "spiritual progress, not perfection."
Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, I'll not be ashamed of how average I am. I'll remember I'm average---and that's good.
=============
I don't expect to always do everything the exact way other people feel it 'should' be done. I am certain that other people would live my life very differently. I get a lot of advice on what I should do. How I should respond and what decisions I should make. And I take all of it with a smile, taking note of who it comes from and how much they know about my situation and if thier advice is informed or just "this is what I would do"- which really is only worth so much. I do feel my situtaion is different than many women in unhappy marriages, but not so different for most women in alcoholic marriages or marriages with someone with chronic illness. Either way, I realize that my progress in how I deal with my husband, my marriage and my life may not be what people think that it ought to be- but I know, for myself, that it is VERY different than what it USED to be.
I did not wake up one day and realize, "Oh my God, when did things get out of hand?" it started small- and got bigger, much bigger and then a little more manangeable- albeit still quite messy. But really, life is MUCH more livable than it used to be. Only now I choose NOT to live life this way anymore. If I wanted to- I guess living the rest of my life as it stands now, would be a little easier than it was three, four, five years ago. As back then, I still had hope, I was still twisting myself in a million directions and making my husband my Higher Power. I know better now. I have more independence now than I used to. My life has a purpose, and a direction and it's the direction that I want it to go- regardless of what anyone else thinks.
If I absolutely HAD to stay in this marriage for the rest of my life, I would still have a lot to look forward to. My marriage is not what makes me the person that I am anymore. I am no longer defined by my husband or the disease that he has. I am no longer ruled by his actions. I am no longer plagued with his illness. It affects me, yes, it burdens me emotionally and weighs on my heart, of course, but it does not dictate my life anymore. I can still get up every day and go to work and be productive. I can have friendships and hobbies. I can join in activities and have some fun. Even though I have a husband at home who is sick and miserable and probably doesn't even like me very much- I can still have a life. Be a good friend to people and be a participant in my life, not just a casualty of his. Three, four, five years ago- I could not say that.
And really, regardless if what anyone else thinks, THAT is progress.
Monday, July 03, 2006
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Moving past the guilt
I haven't spoken to my mother about leaving my husband, because know she thinks it's the wrong thing to do. He's sick, and he can't take care of himself and maybe she feels that it's my responsibility to stay with him. Or maybe because of her religious convictions, she simply CAN'T support me divorcing him. Either way, I tend to stay away or not broach the subject to people who I think will encourage me to stay. Maybe I am not strong enough against my own guilt. And I DO feel guilty. I AM sorry. Not because I don't love him anymore, not because the marriage didn't work out. I know that I did all that I could- and then some. I hung on, I detached, I enabled, I ignored, I demanded, and I let go. I have hung in here, for years....waiting and giving chances. And none of it has made enough difference to make me more than "content to live in an unhappy situation." I don't even know WHY I feel guilty. Maybe because I feel sorry for him. Maybe because he does his best to make me feel guilty. Maybe because I know that I COULD live with this situation and I still question the idea that I deserve better than this and I am walking away because I WANT to- I don't HAVE to.
One thing that I do know for sure is that being around him, staying in this marriage- makes me the worst version of myself. I usually am not a hateful person. I am sarcastic to a fault, yes, but this situation makes me hateful and bitter. It makes me ugly. It has poured a blackness into my soul that has taken away the one thing I always believed in before, love. It has made me one of those sour women who sees a couple on the street, walking arm in arm, and makes me think, "Oh God, lets see how long THAT will last." When one of my girlfriends meets a new great guy- my first thought is, "Yeah, give it time, I'll bet he's a jerk like the rest of them."
And you know, all the different men in my life have NOT all been jerks. Most of them have been pretty good guys who I would not mind knowing even today. I have been hurt in relationships, but never really BURNED before. I've never been cheated on. I've never been beaten up. I've had relationships that went wrong and ended with little shock to me, but I've never even been dumped out of the blue. My friend pointed that out to me the other day. He said, "You've had a lot of men who have chosen you- who have wanted to be with just you." And after some thought, he's right. Looking back that the 'boyfriends' I've had, most of them were pretty decent guys. Good guys who maybe were not all I wanted, but great enough to spend several months, sometimes years with.
It's not 'all the men' that are bad. It's THIS ONE. It's not that all relationships are a disaster. Just THIS ONE. This kid has ruined it for the rest of the class. One man has taught me, in my 30's- to distrust men. To distrust thier intentions and thier honesty. I will never allow love in, if I continue to believe that all men are dishonest, disrespectful, and ungrateful. If I am going to stay cynical, I may as well stay here- because at least then I can be right.
Uhhhhhhhhmmmmmm.......no.
One thing that I do know for sure is that being around him, staying in this marriage- makes me the worst version of myself. I usually am not a hateful person. I am sarcastic to a fault, yes, but this situation makes me hateful and bitter. It makes me ugly. It has poured a blackness into my soul that has taken away the one thing I always believed in before, love. It has made me one of those sour women who sees a couple on the street, walking arm in arm, and makes me think, "Oh God, lets see how long THAT will last." When one of my girlfriends meets a new great guy- my first thought is, "Yeah, give it time, I'll bet he's a jerk like the rest of them."
And you know, all the different men in my life have NOT all been jerks. Most of them have been pretty good guys who I would not mind knowing even today. I have been hurt in relationships, but never really BURNED before. I've never been cheated on. I've never been beaten up. I've had relationships that went wrong and ended with little shock to me, but I've never even been dumped out of the blue. My friend pointed that out to me the other day. He said, "You've had a lot of men who have chosen you- who have wanted to be with just you." And after some thought, he's right. Looking back that the 'boyfriends' I've had, most of them were pretty decent guys. Good guys who maybe were not all I wanted, but great enough to spend several months, sometimes years with.
It's not 'all the men' that are bad. It's THIS ONE. It's not that all relationships are a disaster. Just THIS ONE. This kid has ruined it for the rest of the class. One man has taught me, in my 30's- to distrust men. To distrust thier intentions and thier honesty. I will never allow love in, if I continue to believe that all men are dishonest, disrespectful, and ungrateful. If I am going to stay cynical, I may as well stay here- because at least then I can be right.
Uhhhhhhhhmmmmmm.......no.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Who is your higher power today??
My program is MIA. I haven't been to a meeting since before that mishap with my former sponsor. I have thought about going, but not with any real commitment to actually leaving the house to go.
Program gives me compassion. It gives me understanding. It helps me be patient. It helps me cope. It brings me back to my higher power. I am grateful for my program, however minimal it is in action, but it's in my heart and almost always on the forefront of my mind.
But, sometimes I think it makes me complacent. It makes me rethink the decisions I have made. Everytime I was ready to walk away, I would be in a meeting or talking with another person after a meeting, and I would hear something that would give me the strength, the inspiration, or perhaps even the guilt, to give it one more try. Am I too influenced by other people?? Have I become so flexible over the years that I really DON'T have my own convictions?
Program gives me compassion. It gives me understanding. It helps me be patient. It helps me cope. It brings me back to my higher power. I am grateful for my program, however minimal it is in action, but it's in my heart and almost always on the forefront of my mind.
But, sometimes I think it makes me complacent. It makes me rethink the decisions I have made. Everytime I was ready to walk away, I would be in a meeting or talking with another person after a meeting, and I would hear something that would give me the strength, the inspiration, or perhaps even the guilt, to give it one more try. Am I too influenced by other people?? Have I become so flexible over the years that I really DON'T have my own convictions?
Detachment or Indifference??
It's hard sometimes to tell the difference. I think I have done a good job at detaching from some of the problems in this marriage that are not mine to tackle. But at the same time, I think I have become indifferent to them- and somewhat resentful. "I don't care" is not detachment. "I can't help you" is. I know that my husband is very sick right now. His doctor has ordered some tests and they are looking for something. Did he schedule those tests? Get the labs done? No.
So you see, it's hard for me to care, when I am not sure how much HE cares.
Sometimes indifference is the only way you can break free. Detach with love just doesn't seem possible. Don't care and keep my mouth shut, that is closer to what I'm capable of right now. Either way, I can't let his problems become my problems. They are not my problems anymore. Really, they never WERE my problems.
So you see, it's hard for me to care, when I am not sure how much HE cares.
Sometimes indifference is the only way you can break free. Detach with love just doesn't seem possible. Don't care and keep my mouth shut, that is closer to what I'm capable of right now. Either way, I can't let his problems become my problems. They are not my problems anymore. Really, they never WERE my problems.
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