Mom- I thought college only took 4 years?

I found out yesterday that through some very cool changes in my Masters program, I will be graduating in January, A few months before schedule. This is very happy news. I was getting ready to just quit. Really. I'm exhausted with school. Ive been in college with no longer than an 8 week break since 1995.

"Mom- I thought college only took 4 years?"

No comment, made to the child born in 1994.

So in discussing this with C, (in a minute) I said, "Yeah really need to start looking for a new job."

His response was, "Well I was more thinking along the lines of- wow now you're going to have to pay all your loans back."

It's a double edge. Being done with school means I will no longer have that flow of extra income known as Student Loans. I can defer for 6 months after graduation, but then I have to have a job actually MAKING enough to cover the money I used in loans, and make a sizeable monthly payment. It's been worth it. Without it I simply would not have survived all these years. I have graduate level education before age 40. Seriously something that, when I was 23- I NEVER EVER would have dreamed of.

So my next step is obvious. Get a better job, make more money.

This year is all about transition and change. It's all about doing things differently. There's a lot about me that the readers of only this blog and not the others don't know (especially because I have truly sucked as a blogger this year). However, things are different in my life and with me finally finishing school and getting divorced- who knows what kind of changes are in store for me?

careful and creative financing

Some days I really think my grown-up card needs to be revoked. I still cannot balance a checkbook to save my damn life. I don't even try anymore really. My checking account is managed in a excel spreadsheet that shows the few times a month money goes in, and ALL the times the money goes out. It doesn't help me balance anything, but tells me basically how broke I'm going to be later.

Through the beauty of my obsessive nature I can set it up for MONTHS in advance. It's depressing when spending money today tells me I'm going to have no money in 5 WEEKS. Fuck me. My paychecks don't waiver, and ever 4 months I get my financial aid money. Usually there are a few more checks that come in from dildo sales etc., and that's always nice. In general though- I can pretty much see what I've got so I can plan ahead. I use my financial aid money to make up for what lacks. What comes in goes right back out before food and travel. So I budget by taking my funding, mentally dividing it by 4 and planning to have enough until the next funding.

That being said, I'm weeks away from my next financial aid funding and a broke ass bitch. While I always have the best INTENTIONS in my so-called budgeting, what I REALLY do is spend a LOT in the first few weeks- getting caught up on any late utility bills. Paying back any money I may have borrowed and usually something relating to my car, like tires or a water pump. THEN I load the house with a lot of food. Get my nails done or a hair cut. A new pair of shoes, some new scrubs. One or two date nights. THEN I mentally divide what's left by 4 months and cross my fingers. In my defense, I was just a few weeks away when I ran out of money. Last time it was a month so I'm doing better.

So this week, feel free to buy me a sandwhich huh?

Bondage dog?

We had a dog show up on our patio yesterday. Gabriel identified it as our neighbors dog, and our neighbors were not home. It was a little Chihuahua and it was really cute. After keeping it on our patio, we realized he was getting a little chilly so we let him inside and gave him some food.

Yes, that is a bondage cuff around his neck. We needed to take him outside, and didn't have a leash. I just happened to have bondage cuff with tethers, so it worked out perfectly. I know, only ME right?? It worked pretty good though.

He was very sweet. Quiet, not to hyper but was a little playful at times. Mostly he just stayed close to me- which is strange considering that I'm not really a dog person.

I admit that he grew on me pretty quickly, and now I kinda want one. We've been talking about getting a dog. Mike wants one, but I want to make sure that we get one that I could/ would take care of in the event that he can't take it with him when he moves out. He thinks a dog would be good for his depression. Part of me thinks he might be right, but the other part of me doesn't want another mouth to feed.

So now I'm looking at Petfinder.com and weighing the pros and cons of getting a little dog. I don't want a yappy dog, or a dog that is too hyper. The kids get so riled up, I wonder if even a dog with a good temperament will get all out of control around my boys.

Like I have said, I'm not really an animal person. They are a big commitment, and often an expensive one. I never want to be in the position where I can't afford to care for it, if it get sick. I know I made a joke once about opting to put an animal down. I never WANT to have to make that decision, I am just aware that it's out there.

So I'm just not sure.

He sure was a cute dog though and I did love the attention.

Dear Financial Aid Office:

Based on your records, the bank disbursed my school funds on 1/16/09. You got paid for this semesters tuition on the 16th. All is well in your financial aid world.

However, as of today the money has still not been released from the school. Um- hello???

I am paying interest on this money as of the date that the bank let it go. 10 days now. 10 days of interest on money that I don't have and I am therefore bouncing shit, as of... today. If I could avoid this phenomenon, I wouldn't need to borrow so much money to begin with.

So if you wouldn't mind... I'd really appreciate it. k??

This starving student, mother of three, and head of a single income family would really like to eat this week and it'd be just SUPER if you'd go ahead and release the funds that I'm already paying interest on. so you know, like, today... please?

seriously.

-julie


update 2:15 PM Thank you, financial aid office. I promise I will make it last 16 weeks.

always sunny.... in a rich mans world

So I have been not so good with posting every day here.  I don't know why, I guess I just don't have too much to say.  I mean, seriously can I bitch incessantly about my husband, ever day?

Well, of course I CAN-

but I'm not gonna cause if I bore myself, I suspect you all must be clicking away like I had posted the Gen Simmons sex tape.

Hey, not that he's not allowed to fuck, but like- I don't wanna see it. Really, that's sayin a lot.

My classes start again tomorrow.  Statistics, something miserable like that.  I hope it will be engaging and such and not bore me to tears like my LAST stats class did.  I guess I should be really interested in it, considered data analysis and all that is my job.  

Speaking of jobs... I really need to figure out what I want to do about mine.  Now I do love my job.  I've said that before.  My boss is a little overbearing and controlling, but you know- she's like 9 kinds of awesome really- and if I stepped up my game she wouldn't have to get on my case.  The problem is that I just don't make enough money.  

Now I know that in this economy I should be grateful to just have a job.  Believe me, I AM.  I am SOOO happy to JUST have a job.  There are a lot of people who have recently lost thiers.  I am also terrified of change.  My big fears about finding a new job are that I will HATE the new job, or they will hate me.  My job searches have all been out of necessity.

One would argue that supplementing my families income with student loans constitutes necessity for a better paying job.  I know this.  I will have close to $80K in student loans when I'm done with grad school.  This 80K will have supplemented my income over the span of 6 years, give or take.  Even with that extra 13K a year, roughly, it's still been tight.  I am lucky that I am not without help when I needed it. I have a relatively ideal system when it comes to day care.  "Relatively" because my parents helps a lot and I pay them a little- and the highest cost is having my parents tell me how to be a parent- and you know that always goes over like a big shit sandwhich.

I do keep my eyes open for better paying jobs.  I just don't look actively.  It's a taxing process and right now I don't WANT to invest the time in something that scares me so much.  Somedays I think my life is stressful enough without borrowing trouble, you know?

So anyway.  Here's hoping this year will be a good year for sex toy sales.  If Mike get healthier, maybe I can get a weekend job.  Stop groaning.  I like to work those second weekend job things cause usually they are at a less suckable place, the shifts are short and it doesn't make me feel bad to quit when I have to.  

Maybe I'll go apply at A Touch of Romance.  

You know what's funny- is that my husband actually complains when I talk about getting a second job.  He, unable to work, bitches when I talk about working more to make more money so that you know... I can knock out the rent.

ohh... don't get me started.

Debtors Prison

It's early. I woke up at 4AM from this dream that all of my money was gone from my checking account! GONE. Now there is not a HUGE amount in there- but there is more than usual. It's not all already spent, but some of it is. I got up and checked, and it's all still there. Nothing weird, shocking or spectacular.

I budget my money in a weird way. I do it in excel. I have a spreadsheet and I have a box for each week of the month, the balance, what comes in, what goes out and what's left. I start a new row of boxes each month and I usually do two of three months at a time. It's always a working spreadsheet, $200 I spend in February will show me that I am going to be short on the rent in April. The spreadsheet doesn't take in to account for food or gas, but it's always sort of on my mind. At the beginning of each month, I often leave the format and adjust the balance because there is money spent that I can't account for, didn't budget for, or simply didn't pay attention to.

So no, it's not REALLY a budget. You can't budget when you don't really HAVE it- but it's a guideline and a snapshot of what's to come. I am the only one who MAKES money, but not the only one who spends it. I admit that I keep a pretty tight grip over the account and at any given time, he has no idea what is in the account. However, it's common knowledge that while I make more than our bills, it's not MUCH more so the question of whether or not I can afford something, the answer really should ALWAYS be "No."

I do not have the mentality of "Work Hard, play harder." I am more like, "Work and maybe we'll get lucky." How does an underpaid person manage a household of 5 people? Not very well. My student loan totals are high. My credit sucks. I have about $3000 in credit card bills (three different companies) in default that I flat our ignore. I simply don't have the money to send them. Period. The bills that manage my monthly household get my attention. The rest, well they can suck a fat one. They spend all sorts of time sending me bills and threatening letters that I don't even open anymore. Every few months I get letters from different companies because the debt has been sold off. The original amounts was only about $1500 total. The original debtor charged off the debt years ago, and this new company is not trying to collect from me. When I filed for BK back in 2000 (I think), I was told that if they try to take me to court and get a judgment, showing them my income and my bills will pretty much negate them from taking 25% of my income and often these little collection firms will not go to the trouble for such small amounts. So I don't worry, and perhaps after I get my tax refund, I can pay it off for half of the balance and they will leave me alone. The offices of blah blah blah and so and so look very official, but it's not exactly a law firm. Law firms use UPS and have bigger fish to fry than me.

Those are not the bills that I worry about. I worry about the grocery bill, and the electric bill. I worry about Michael medical expenses. I worry about getting sick. I have been on a diet for a few weeks now. I think I'm losing weight but I don't know. I'm eating better. I am trying to take care of my blood pressure, because if I get sick, my family is screwed.

My father and a few others in his family died early from heart disease. Early, like before 50- early. I'm going to be 37 this year. I realize that it was a mistake getting those three credit cards, but I refuse to allow them to be the death of me. I have told them all, at least once that I am not going to send my last $50 to them this month, because as soon as I agree, they will be asking about my NEXT $50. It's just the way it is, and I know I'm not alone.

I have made some financial mistakes, but in the grand scheme, I have done the best I could. I've been the only income for four years now. I borrowed a lot, I've been given a lot, and we've been fortunate to have understand and forgiving people around us. Others are not so lucky.

My hope is that someday I will make enough so that the balance at the end of every week is positive. That I don't have to pay this months cable bill next month, pushing next months electric bill back to the NEXT month and then having to pay that months cell phone bill the FOLLOWING month, pushing back the cable bill again. That is how it happens. The bills get exponentially bigger- and then all of the bills are three months behind. (Which is what happened LAST month)

I don't need collection agencies to put me debtors prison. I've got one, thanks.

If you make it to the end of my little sob story rant, thanks. You'll be glad to know that as of right now. Everything is current. :)

must stop spending

I didn't go crazy spending... but I went through like $1500 in a week. Ok, so I paid at least two months each of my cell phone, electric, and cable bill. that right there is like $1000. I'm not going to stress it- just be careful. I think I should give myself an allowance.

Mike tends to want me to spend money too. Fast food, and 'hey lets go do this' and 'hey can I get this.' I have a hard time saying no- which explains a lot. But I need to chill out and not go crazy with my spending. This padding has to last me until January.

I am quick to want to blame him for everything, sometimes I feel like since he knows there's some extra money in the bank, he has all these things he needs or wants. I gave him money for the month- he gets nothing else. I hate being like, here's your allowance- cause that seems kinda fucked up- but you know, he won't be ASKING me for money and it's not like he NEEDS to be buying a lot. Money is always a source of contention. I know he will be out of the money I gave him and this system will not last long.

Really, I'd just rather he leave me alone all together. That was my hope. He's got some money for his stupid spending and he will just sort of leave me alone. Lets see if he offers to buy ME a meal once in a while.

I swear, I'm taking my meds.

Where my shopping dollars go.

I went to the swap meet today. Not the big one in Costa Mesa but the smaller ghetto one that is local to my house in Cypress. There's two parts to the swap meet- the front, where it's people reselling stuff that is new and 'the back' where it's people selling off their old crap. I hate the back of the swap meet. There's no shade, there's no food vendors- just people and big piles of stuff. Yes, sometimes you can find some interesting things. Cool ashtrays, tea kettles, fancy boxes and sometimes tools for like fifty cents. I get why people like it.

However, I'm not a shopper to begin with. It's not ingrained into me so I will walk through, stop if something catches my eye- and be out of there in like an hour. I am more of a destination shopper. Today I went looking for socks. I got 18 pairs of socks for $10 today. (3-packs were 3 for $5) I bought Alex some picks for his guitar. 4 for $1.00, I bought a new keyboard for Alex's computer cause since he spilled the soda in his, it just doesn't work the same. Mike got his watch band changed out and three links removed for $5.

Bargain shopping is cool, I mean I kick ass with double coupons and a sale flyer. I learned from my mom, who taught me that if I am smart, I can get paper, paper towels, and air freshener for .38 cents. She used to have us all go through a different line with the stuff, coupons and a dollar. She's a genius that way.

I think my mothers proudest day was when I called her and told her that I got all $100 of groceries for $36. Yeah, I really did.

I can kick ass too.

Boobs and Porn and Dildos, Oh My!

I totally submitted to Tits for Troops this week cause I like to show my support, and you know, I do what I can. It's important, really.



And all I see is "oh my god- hello hips. Is that twisted? I mean 90% of this photo is boobs and what I see is the two curves that swing WIDE outwards. I know, it's twisted and self depricating, but really, it's part of my charm.

--

I got a new book in the mail today "Male Domination and Female Submission." I am doing a book review on Amazon for it. I love reading good erotica almost as much as I love writing it- but something about getting dirty books in the mail is particularly sexy, don't you think? It's as if amidst the bills I'm not paying and the ads for produce and hair care products, there's a place in this world where it's perfectly ok to leave the vanilla at the door and get dragged around by your hair.

--

Speaking of leaving vanilla at the door, I'm thinking about becoming a sex toy consultant and doing those home parties and stuff. I need a way to make some extra money, and I've done the candles and the crafty stuff.

I don't scrap book and I don't burn candles. I don't cook either, nor do make fancy baskets or organize my cabinets into plastic containers.

But dildos, I know. I know that some of those sex toy parties can really be an insane bore. Where a smartly dressed lady goes around calling the clit "the doorbell" (even though women have been explaining for years that it is not something to be PUSHED!) and referring to anal play as "upside down cake" when really it's just toys that go in your butt. I mean, really- buttsex isn't for everyone, but let not compare it to baked goods ok?

I'm trying to find a good company that sells a variety of toys, not just the pretty rabbit vibes, but some edgier stuff also. That does not jack up the prices and I can still make a decent profit. The Hitchaci Magic Wand sells for under $50 almost everywhere online, so I am not going to present it for $75. So far I'm looking at Temptation Parties, who is run by Adam and Eve who I already work with. Their prices are the most reasonable, and I think that makes a difference.

Here are some of my ideas for party games and ice breakers:

"Who here can deep throat?"
"Who's the most experienced/ AKA: a bigger slut than me!"
"The WORST Oral sex Story wins a prize!"
"It's ok to like buttsex, but you don't have to tell!"
"Advice you wish someone had told you about blowjobs."

Really, can you imagine one of my parties?? I think I'd be wildly popular. Wouldn't you like to attend one.

I can see if I can get a whole group of women to say the word CUNT outloud.

Oh that would be a good day.

Last twenty dollars

Not the last twenty forever, just until Wednesday. Ok Thursday. Technically Tuesday cause I can then go to the grocery store and write a check that won't clear until... Thursday. I have gas in my car, and there's sorta food in the house.
Sorta, cause it's all food that needs to be MADE, not like grab and go. This morning I need to buy some bread and some creamer. Maybe I will get the cheaper mocha mix, since we have sugar here. Maybe some waffles. Make that last $20 count.
I can adapt, it's just a few days. I really just need to be sure that the kids have food to eat on Monday- since they will be at my mom's on Tuesday anyway. It's just the way it is sometimes.

The kids don't go hungry. I will go hungry, I don't care about that.
Michael doesn't go hungry. He SHOULD, he just doesn't. I made all three meals for the family yesterday, in attempts to control how much food got eaten. However, after each meal- he would go and eat more. Last night I made meatballs and some noodles for us. He ate the whole thing, didn't really ask if I wanted any. Then a sandwich (less than a half a loaf of bread left!) and the last chicken breast, which was huge and could have fed two people really.
Um, hi. I had a cheeseburger and peanut butter sandwich yesterday. All day- that's what I ate.
Ummmm hello???
Somewhere in the middle of the night, he also ate the last of the eggs.

SERIOUSLY DUDE.

So this morning, there's no eggs, no bread, and no chicken. Wow- there was all of what could have fed the boys all day today.
Selfish.
Self centered.
Douchebaggery.

Independence

I've starting a savings account. $50 a paycheck and whatever money I make from the affiliate accounts which is usually anywhere from $40 to $100 a month. What am I going to do with this money?

Travel. Maybe not to anyplace spectacular, but you know- I am going back to New York. I'm told the spring is good. I can do it, and maybe even a little cheaper. I loved eating in nice restaurants for every meal, but really- I don't need to do that. I admit, I did like the Marriot.

I will go alone if I have to. I won't be alone for long. I have friends there now. Rock on. I'm going to Vegas in the fall. I'm going to, one of these days, spend the night in San Diego. I've lived here all my life and I've never been to San Diego, other than to get to Sea World.

Michael doesn't like it, but you know- he will learn to deal with it. I simply deserve a little bit of freedom. Alex is old enough to take places with a friend and let loose. I have realized that if I don't force myself to take a break from the bed I've made- I will have more regret than I can stomach.

I admit that my choices are mine- and they don't make sense to a lot of people. They don't have to. I very much describe my relationship as a marriage of convenience to everyone but me. However along with the choices I am making for the benefit of others, it wouldn't not kill me to make some choices for myself. So maybe taking an hour, and eventually a day for myself every week is not feasible. However, taking a few days, once or twice a year... well, that is not only do-able, but perhaps a necessity.

I have been paying for him to smoke a pack a day for the past 9 years combined. (minus about a year total that he has lived elsewhere). At $4 a pack, because we buy in bulk, or the really cheap tobacco- that is close to $1500 a year.

$100 a month is nothing in comparison and it won't give me cancer. Besides, it's my money- right?

Here's to independence. It comes in all forms.

Cleaning house

So here I am, all up early and at work at 6AM. Its time for me to get my crap together and get the off of this mental vacation I've been on.

My house is a physical disaster. You know I am of the belief that I should not have to worry about such things- being that I have someone at home who I feel should be handling this- but we all know that is not going to happen. So I need to just step up and deal with it.

I have the opportunity to move into a really nice new apartment that is only $225 more than what I am paying now. I figured that since my rent was going up ANYWAY- I may as well get a nicer place rented to me by a friend. However, the market is so bad, it turns out that my rent isn't going up after all. Part of me still wants to take the apartment. However, I know that it's not a smart move. The apartment I am in is still under $1500. It's close to my mom, and the kids schools. It really doesn't make sense really. Which sucks- cause it is a beautiful apartment. My friend really wants to rent it- and if she could let it go for what I'm currently paying I'd be all over it. At this point, I'd be moving, and paying more (all on my own, by the way) just so the e-husband would be more comfortable sitting all day in a nicer apartment. It just doesn't make good financial sense. So another year in my shitty apartment. Perhaps I will put some money into it and have the carpets cleaned, again- and take the time to make sure that they fix the crap that needs fixing. Rumor has it that they have a new maintenance team. Lets see how long this one lasts.

damn.

My mental house is kind of a disaster too. I have some crap I got to deal with. Paperwork shit that is piling up. I have to deal with that too. I need a secretary at home.

Someone to say, sign this- and send it off for me. Someone to be accountable to. As long as the kids are fed and cuddled, and the bills are paid, my job is kinda done. I am not accountable to anyone. I refuse to be accountable to the e-husband. And we all know what a fucking flake I am.

This should be interesting huh??

The joys of the working poor.

I think I need to borrow money from my parents. shit. What a way to start the new year. I don't HAVE to. I am cutting it so incredible close, but I'm not totally sunk yet. I think I will wait until I absolutely have to. My school loans will be here on the 18th. I mean, 16 fucking days from now and I'm fine. I think I can hold off the masses until then if I must. I have $400 of it coming on or around the 12th, and really, THAT is when I'll be sunk, if that doesn't come in. But hey, if on the 12th, I need to borrow $50 well that is ok. Borrowing money from my parents would just be insurance really. But I don't have to do it. I don't want to do it. They do a lot for me, but really it leaves me open for SO much hassle. 30 minutes of lecture about things I already know.

My parents HAVE money, and they do not remember what it's like NOT to have money. Don't get me wrong, I'm not pissy about it. I respect my stepdad's financial sense and that he worked very hard for it- I just don't like the way that 'support' comes with disdain. When I have been in dire need, I have listened to it before. I will take my beating when there is no other option. I have other options though, so I think I will not do it this time. If I REALLY have to later, I guess I can. But I'd rather bounce a few checks and pay extra fees than have to listen to the diatribe from Mr. Highfalute. I could go straight to my mom, but she doesn't work so she feels that it's up to him, so she makes me ask him.

I absolutely have to have better money sense this year. I have the tools, I just don't have the discipline. I always take a small amount of these loans and do something nice for the family. Most of it gets blown on food. I get lazy and not want to cook so we have take out too many nights a week. I get lazy and forget to bring lunch so I eat in the cafeteria too many afternoons. It's wasteful and I need to just be smarter than that so I don't run out. These loans have been my second income for a few years now, you'd think that I would learn how to work with them. However, this is a problem to more than just me. My friends are the same way. Maybe it's just because we all manage our money poorly. Maybe it's because even the extra 10 grand a year doesn't really provide enough income to support a family. Maybe. Maybe I need to more of my own cooking and depend less on my pals Ronald McDonald and Carl Kartcher. Junior.

Here's a new years resolution- More home cooked meals, less take out.

Remember the straw wrappers that used to say "Enjoy life. Eat out more often." hee hee. Did you know McDonald's whole slogan "You deserve a break today" was geared to mom's??

“Probably the best food marketing I’ve seen in all my years was the [1970-74] tagline, ‘You Deserve a Break Today,’” says Rosemont, Ill.-based NPD Group Vice President Harry Balzer. “It captured what was going on in societal changes in the country. When you hear it you think that ‘you’ means ‘me,’ but it doesn’t. The success of that campaign was that ‘you’ meant mom. Mom was going through big changes: She had to be a super-mom, working and raising the family, and the task of feeding the family still fell on her shoulders. ‘You deserve a break today’ changed marketing; the business is about taking care of mom.” - Restaurants and Institutions Magazine

Just a little fun fact.

looking ahead

What I look forward to in 2008:

Having no more kids in diapers. My goal is, by the end of the week to be completely done with diapers/ pull ups at least during his waking hours. At some point this year, my goal is April, to have Danny completely out of pull ups and potty trained 24/7. It's the end of the baby phase and while there are some things I will miss, the phases that last the longest are the ones that are most unpleasant.

Having no kids in day care. It won't be until September, but Danny will go into the 2 year Kindergarten program in September of 2008. It's the same program that Gabriel is in, a 2 year Kindergarten for kids who are right on the border of being old enough, but not mature enough or have a good enough grasp on the reading/writing aspect of Kindergarten. I remember when Kindergarten was just about colors and shapes and you learn to read and write in FIRST grade. Well the parents have pushed the school districts out here so far, that by the END of Kindergarten, a child will need to know how to write three sentences on one topic that start with a capital letter and end with a period. Jeez. So Danny will do 2 years of Kindergarten also. It will be great to see him learning at the rate that Gabriel is, and it will also be fantastic to not have to pay $135 a week for child care either.

Graduation. You seriously have no idea what a big deal this is for me. When I was pregnant with Danny, and e-husband decided to start a short lived relationship with crack cocaine, I had been going in community college, just taking general ed classes and thinking of maybe going into ultrasound technology or something trade schoolish. It seemed feasible, financially stable and not too grandiose. Once e-husband but closed the door on 'me believing he would ever be able to support us.'- I, 4 months pregnant- with a 10 month old baby and a 9 year old, decided I would go to school full time and pursue my bachelors degree. It took three semesters to get out of community college and I started Cal State Long Beach in Spring of 2006. Fast forward 5 semesters to May 2008 and I will graduate with my BS in Health Care Administration.

Graduate School. I have already applied. Upon acceptance, I will start in June 2008, three days after graduation. And 2 years later, I will have -my Masters Degree in Public Health. I will be the first of my mothers children to have a college degree. The third in the whole family to have a college degree, and the second to have a Masters- right behind my cousin Lori, who has been my unofficial college adviser, since that is what she does for a living, just not at the school I attend. She is the person I know will be cheering the loudest for me. It made me very happy to hear her at Christmas, telling me she will be making a special trip back to California, just for my graduation. It's nice to have a cheering section.

Disneyland. I am buying passes for me and Alex this year. While Disneyland is not my favorite place to go, and there were some days I would claim not to like it at all- I am looking forward to having this time with Alex. Something fun that is just for us and the other boys will not be involved in, at least not yet. I hope it will also be a good opportunity for me to spend time with my sister, and my friend Christine who is a Disney junkie.

Making more money. With my degree, holds a promise of a higher salary at my current job. My boss is in the works, trying to create a new title, and a salary that will justify my 40K education. In June, I hope to get that raise and enjoy a little more financial freedom. And by freedom, I mean, the freedom to pay my bills AND eat.

An improved relationship with my husband. Improvement goes both ways. There are days that I am ready to change my mind, file for divorce and be done with it. But really, I just can't visualize my life without him. Even if I TRY to. Either way, October 2008 is two years from the initial separation. And by then, I will simply have to make a decision. He will have to either man up and get the shit taken care of that I have requested of him- or I will have to move on with my life. I think two years is long enough. It's not as if I'm asking him to get HEALTHY. Just responsible.

More time with my kids. Starting next week, I am changing my work schedule. Instead of being at work at 6:30AM, I will be going in two hours later so I can drop my kids off at school in the morning. We can have breakfast together. They go to my parents house after school anyway, so they won't have to get up so early- I will get to sleep in and I will have more time. I only have one class on campus for my final semester, and the rest is online so I will be home more nights a week. Graduate school is 100% online. I have always said that I was going to school and doing all of this FOR them, to make all of our lives better. Unfortunately, it meant I was in class 2 to 4 nights a week. But now, it's time for me to dedicate more time to them. That is why I am paying more for an online graduate program- because I can't be away from them any longer. Graduate school was not part of the original plan. That's for me. But I won't do it at their expense.

You know, looking at this list- I really do have much to look forward to. Even if I hit road blocks and bumps and even some emotional tornadoes, there are things that will happen if I just stay on the path I've been on. Everyone has told me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And while I've been focusing on that light, I am finally starting to feel the heat from the sun on the other end. I'm starting to believe that it really will get better.

covering my nuts

Ok- I'm cheering up, I'm sorry for the cuntastic attitude I've had lately. My pointless period is late, late for what- I have no idea. No sex, no sperm, no TUBES, no problem. Die eggs die!!!!!

I'm having some money struggles right now. No fault but my own really. The kids are out of daycare and e-husband is home watching them and that is supposed to SAVE me money, and it will- once I get caught up from what I couldn't afford to begin with.

And I don't want to borrow money from what I will have later. I just need to create money where there currently is none. I put my school books on half.com and I have some reimbursement stuff to turn in- so I think I will be ok, but it's interesting how my spending habits change when e-husband is around. Take out food and dessert and extra stuff seems so logical. Food I don't usually buy tastes better. I wonder if I'm trying to create an environment or something. Let him know that I'm grateful for him being here. Buy his affection with food.

Yeah, I know how to get to a mans heart. With meat. Fried meat, white meat, deli meat, red meat. All sorts of meat. I've been cooking. Side dishes, vegetables the whole deal. And you know, all that costs money that my salary does not exactly cover. My meals, without him around, consist of a frozen dinner, or a sandwich, or a plate of leftovers from my mom's house. Sometimes waffles or a bowl of cereal.

I would guess that I try to spend less than $5 a day on my own meals. Coffee, frozen lunches and dinners are described above suit me just fine. But when I find myself spending $25-$35 on groceries for one or two meals, well, that dwindles the account faster than I expected. Perhaps I'm just giddy from all the good food and I don't think straight.

I don't ask for much. It's not like I am asking for $54 million for a pair of pants. (I just want to punch this fucken guy.) I just want to be able to eat and pay the bills, in the same week. My mother told me today that her friend is renting a BIG house in Arizona, for $300 less than my newly raised rent in a shitty neighborhood. Yes, cause moving to a new state is always the best way to solve money problems...

trust

Now that Paris is back in jail, we can renew our faith in the legal system, or something like that. Perhaps she will come out of jail a little more humbled and a little less of a twat, but probably not. Either way, she still comes home to a fancy schmancy life and lots and lots of money- perhaps she will use it to pay a driver.

The ehusband is still in my house and it seems that he will be around more often. I have to take the boys out of day care because my rent is being raised by $200 and I currently can only afford rent and daycare, and NOTHING ELSE.



So e-husband has offered to step up and watch the kids three days a week (the other two they will be with Oma- aka my mom) until the fall. By then Gabe will be in Kindergarten and I will only need child care for one. It's always risky when I rely on his help, because his health is so iffy, but I have no other choice than to accept it. I have to trust that it will be ok, and even if it's not, I will deal with that later. For now, saving $200 a week will not only afford us the basic things like food, it will actually leave me with some extra. 10 weeks at $200 a week is a nice little chunk of change. Alex will be home and can help out and my mom is around the corner and if it's really bad, then I can take a day off- or arrange help from one of my nieces and daughters of friends who are on summer vacation.

I am worried about it- but grateful. Grateful that he stepped up to offer his help. That he acknowledges that these are also his kids and it is not ONLY my responsibility to provide their support. Yes, it does put a wrench into my life a little bit, but it's only for a little while and this situation will be mutually beneficial for the both of us, without making any decisions to get back together.

For all of his crap, he has some redeeming qualities.

Weekend Stats
Naps I have taken this weekend- 2
Days I got to sleep in- 2
Meals I've had to cook- 0

And he's still kinda nice to look at.

Ok, yeah, so I'm getting a little mushy about it. But I have to admit, it's nice to have someone make an effort for me.

Toxic Shock Syndrome...Isle 9.

Contrary to some of my past actions, I try to be a pretty smart spender. When I have very little money I can make it last a long time, when I have a lot- it flies out the window like cocaine out of the roof of a limosine.

I am not stuck on brand name things in general. There are a few things that I really do like brand names of, like peanut butter, dish soap and hair care products. Even those preferences are loose and I am not stuck on one brand, but I don't usually buy the cheapest dish soap or generic peanut butter. I do buy generic medicine, even acetaminophen or ibuprofen. I do realize that the name brands ARE a little better, but the generics work just fine- fine enough.

But today I think I crossed the line. I was at Walmart today getting diapers and some juice and I had to buy tampons. It's almost that time again, and I almost ALWAYS forget to put some in my purse, even though I know it's going to start "any minute now." Or I forget to buy some and I have to make a mad run to Sav On in the middle of the day. So I was at Walmart and they did not have my usual brand. Kotex.

Let me sidebar. When I was growing up, Kotex was a go to word for "pad." Like Kleenex, and Xerox, but in a much less pleasant way. When I became a teenager and decided to make the switch, I used Tampax. That was what all the girls were using, and it was fine enough. Playtex, I don't know, they were the red headed step kid of the pack. OB, well, you had to be brave for that.

I have tried them all really over the years. All the different applicators, no applicator. The Instead Cup - that was nasty. I had no real preference, and almost every month I would be bleeding and for lack of a "something."
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"Something" is the universal term for feminine product. "Do you have 'something'?" That is all that needs to be said. Am I right ladies?? The conversations usually go like this:

"Hey Jen, do you have something?"

"Umm, I do, but I use pads. Ask Jenny, she's on right not too."

fast walk to Jenny, asking why anyone still only uses pads.

"Hey Jenny, do you have something?"

"I do!" and she reaches in her bag and hands me a nice pearly white package, but the writing is yellow. Slender Regular size.

Ok- I am not cavernous- but I am not a 12 year old girl either. Who the hell uses Slender Regular?? I may was well roll up a cotton square and shove it up my twat. But ok, note to self, do not ask Jenny, she has a twat like a 12 year old girl.

So I asked Patti- because like I said, I ALWAYS forget to put them in my purse, and she handed me a Kotex Tampon, size-Super. Way to go Patti. And I have used them ever since.
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Ok, back to the store. So Walmart DID have Kotex brand, but not the right size. Not the grown up, "I've had a child" size. So I looked at what they did have, because again, I am not so stuck on the brand that I will go to another store. Tampax, Playtex, all regular size. The women are stocking up. We, apparently, are all bleeding this week. So I looked at the Walmart brand. Equate. hmmmm. One box says "Compare to Tampax" the other box says "Compare to Kotex." It was the size box I usually buy. The right size. And $2 cheaper.

I tossed it around in my head. Generic tampons? How cheap am I?? I am not on my period RIGHT NOW- surely I can stop by Target tomorrow. But.... I'm here now. I hate having to shop. And it's $2 cheaper. It wouldn't hurt to try it. I certainly hope not.

So I bought them. I fear that I may have built a crawl space under my lowest of lows.