The passage of time

It's been almost two months since I've written here. I guess I just needed to figure out where I was- and who I am.

The last three months have been rough. The first half of the year, I can safely say, was good, but like many good things in my life, they are dependent on something or someone else. When that someone left, well, everything sort of went to hell.

All I know is that what I thought changed my life, left me feeling lost and uncertain. You only realize how ungrounded you are when you are shaken up. When nobody challenges you, everything seems stable. And here I am, a whole year later, and life seems much the same as it was before. And I just can't feel anything but sad about that.

Sure, I'm much closer to that graduate degree. I have great friends and loved ones. I have recently been reminded how much I love my family.

But I loved someone, and he left. Do I hate him. No, but I just can't have him in my life anymore. As much as that hurts me, and as much as I want him in my life... well, he hurt me. It's hard when you think you know someone, and they are not who you thought they were. Maybe I expected him to be MORE than he could possibly be. Maybe I just expected him to be who he SAID he was. I don't know. But whatever he is, isn't mine.
And that really sucks.

So here I am, approaching 39. Transitioning again. Always changing and evolving. Always moving away from something, when I should be moving towards something.

Always ruled by my heart, never really learning that it doesn't have a clue.