Girl, don't go away mad...

I think I have become good at keeping people at a distance, maybe without even trying. I met someone, sort of, recently, and while I was interested, sort of, without an actual date- I'm sort of convinced that he's hiding something and that I don't want anything to do with what he's got going on, nor do I want to involve him in what I've got going on. I don't know that I have the energy to invite anyone else into my 'scenario'.

While talking with someone else that I'm not involved with, but would, sort of, like to be, she asked me (yes, I said SHE) if my husband and I were working things out. I gave her an honest answer, which was "Not really. I agreed to not divorce him right away to keep him on my insurance and while we get along and spend time together, we are not exactly trying to work things out. Anything is possible in the future, but not really- no."

Not exactly the best answer to convince someone that maybe you are interested in some "girl on girl" action. But even still, it's the truth. I have NO INTEREST in lying about my situation because keeping the lies in order is complicated enough without having to make up MORE.

This is just who I am. I spoke at length with the e-husband tonight about this very thing, including the girl. That I don't know that I want to 'date' (male OR female) - but I'm lonely. There IS no such thing as no strings attached sex (as much as I think that would be gggggrrrrreeeaaaattttt) and I should know better than to even think it.

So I am wanting companionship, but not wanting to date because it takes more energy than I have available to me.

So where does it leave me? Right in the middle of nowheresville. I guess all of my best efforts have brought me right here in my life. In limbo. It feels like I'm always in limbo.

Is there ever a point where you realize that you have arrived at where you wanted to be? Or will I always be in transition from one place to another?? And how did I end up with a quasi- crush on a butchy lesbian??

Half Nekkid Thursday: aint misbehavin

You know, it's strange that at age 35 and not the best shape of my life, I do feel better about myself than I did at age 21, when I really WAS in great shape. Back then I was just so insecure about who I was. I had no idea which direction I was headed, and while I am still not always sure- I do feel better about who I've become and who I'm still becoming.

But sometimes the smile on my face is the most I can offer.

Go ahead...wonder what I'm up to.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

B is for Brains!!

I passed my Finance midterm. Ok, so I got an 83. Not the greatest score I've ever received, but it's Finance- not my strongest subject. But the WAY cool part is that apparently the class average was 60%. The highest grade was a 89, so technically speaking, I rocked that midterm!!!

So maybe it's not a GREAT idea to have a crush on someone in the class- but at least it makes me show up and want to appear like I have a brain. Whatever it takes. 83 baby.

My frontal lobe is in tact and working like a charm. I doubt it will get me a date- but it still feels good.

Connected

This morning I woke up with Danny laying next to me, his head resting on my breast and he was holding on to my pinky finger. Gabe was behind me, the top of his head and his knees resting gently against my back.

It was perfect.

middle of the road

I finished my midterms tonight. I have a group presentation to give tomorrow but I'm not worried about that. I have half a semester and then 7 classes left until I get my degree. Feels like eternity but I am close. SO CLOSE. This time next year I will applying for graduation and all that cap and gown crap.

Crap- don't let me fool you. I am ABSOLUTELY going to cap and gown and walk in the ceremony. Absolutely. I will get my Bachelors Degree in Spring of 2008. The light at the end of the god damn tunnel.

I'm tired. Mid terms just wipe me out and now I just want to go to bed. I will worry about my presentation, and the dishes- tomorrow. I feel like I have not been without flashcards next to me in two weeks. Exausted. Sleepy. Relieved.

e-husband strikes again

Mr. Manic and the Bad Juju

I found out that my midterm paper that I thought was due on Wednesday is not actually due until after spring break. Hello, that gives me more time to study for my Tuesday midterm. But more importantly, next week is spring break! One whole week without school- more time at home.

More time with my kids
more time to cook
more time to clean

well, it's just a week- I will survive it.

But I can study more for my Tuesday midterm, which I am feeling just fine about. I'm too exhausted from the longest fucking weekend on record to study price elasticity and cost analysis. The e-husband is going home tomorrow.

Thank fucking god for that.

Not that he's been a jerk or anything, he just got sick and I don't DO sick anymore. He spent the first three days talking about all the things he wants to do when he gets better, and then the last two days just trying to manage his pain and his bloodsugar. So he's loads of fun. Assloads of fun!!! So he can take his assload home tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, the first three days when he was Mr Manic, he cleaned the house and played with the kids and was all Manic-super dad But what is up, must come down and I shared this exchange with "Mr Depressed Guy" in the middle of the night:

me: Did you take down the gate (safety gate for the boys room, usually keeps Danny from getting up in the middle of the night and wandering into the fridge)
Mr. Depressed guy: no I thought you wanted it up
me: No I take it down cause Gabe crawls into bed with me at night, and if the gate is up he will stand at the gate and call for me, and wake up everyone so I take it down.
Mr. D guy: Well I guess I can't do anything right.
(long pause while I am contemplating kicking him in the back and sending him flying out of my bed- that was more comfortable for his aching legs than his usual sleeping place, which is Gabe's bed)
me: Will you give me a fucking break with that? It's 4AM, go feel sorry for yourself in someone elses' bed.

When Gabe climbed into bed with me that night, Mr. Depressed Guy climbed out and slept on the couch. He puts bad vibes into my bed. Nobody is going to want to join me in a bed of bad vibes. I got high thread count sheets. I have a comforter that matches the sheets, the pillow cases and even the fuckin ruffle. I have pillow shams and a god damn ruffle!!! I have created a nice environment in my bed, a place that I hope men will want to venture. But nobody wants to venture into a bed when there's bad vibes. He needs to keep his negative energy out of my bed. So unless we are going to have angry sex.... he needs to not be such a sack of 'woe' and sleep on the leather couches with his bad juju. I believe that leather cannot be penetrated by juju.

So he and his assload of bad juju are leaving in the morning. Perhaps it will be another few weeks before we do this again. I enjoy the benefits of him being here, but when you do the analysis, the cost is so high that the difference in between is like 5 bucks. It's hardly worth it.

I'm Laaaate

Being late means nothing to me. I'm late. I'm about 5-10 days late. I don't really even keep track of when I'm supposed to start my period because that is how unconcerned I am with being late. I laugh in the face of late. Late can kiss my ass.

I had the plumbing disconnected when Danny was born. There is a disconnected pipe in the foundation and it is not a problem anymore. My eggs float to the end of the cliff and just fall to thier deaths. If you listen closely, you can hear them screaming.

Also, I am also missing the one key component that would even remotely cause me to think twice- sperm. Yeah, none of that around here. So I can be late, and it's no sweat except for the fact that I still have to carry 'something' around with me all the time unless it sneaks up on me like incontinence or something.

Really I think the fact that I even HAVE to have a period anymore is ridiculous. It mocks me. I can't have babies, so why do I have to bleed at all. I should have had them do a hysterectomy, and leave the ovaries- it keeps me from being premenopausal, but I don't have to bleed. It mocks me. Having to go through having periods for another 10 years at least- and for what? My child bearing years are over, I decided that three years ago. One thing that marks the ability to get pregnant is having a period. So if I can't get pregnant, then I should not have to have a period. I considered getting on The Pill and then taking it every day (no placebo) so I just don't ever have a period. I could not convince my vag doctor to script it to me. It's not healthy, I SHOULD have a period. I SHOULD let my body do that. Whatever, she HAD a hysterectomy.

So I don't have to go through another life altering pregnancy, that would probably not happen anyway, given the whole, "unfuckable" issue I seem to be suffering from- but I still get to have the monthly "scenario" that as a "fuckable" women, I was once relieved to recieve- meaning I did not, in fact, get knocked up after a night of margatritas, line dancing and a Pendelton Marine named Matt who let me wear his cowboy hat. Ah, the good old days.

No, I just get to bleed like the rest of the procreating females. I was told that if they removed my uterus I would go through early menopause. Hot flashes, and mood swings. Fuck, I go through that before I get to work in the morning!! It's a long walk from the parking structure.

Word Vomit

1) I took some of (your husbands) shirts out of here so I can sleep in them.

2) He doesn't want a young pretty nurse, so can you take him today?

3) You NEVER suck anything out of anyones brain.

4) We should be doing that here, but we aren't- we should, and we can, but we don't. But we will. But right now, we aren't.

HNT- the e-husband

I got the e-husband to strike a few poses. He feels like he doesn't look so hot, but he's lost a TON of weight in the 10 years I've known him. (We won't discuss how....)

I think he looks great. We won't discuss why he was in this state of undress... We're still married you know? A girls gotta do who a girls gotta do..... (yeah, I said it).


Happy HNT!!!

As exciting as a root canal!!

So I have less hits today after making the Dancing with the Stars comment yesterday. I'm not the only one that watched it, you know? I have noticed my daily traffic slowly climbing here, so I welcome you 8 or 9 newcomers to my world. This blog is almost to about 3,000 hits in about the 5 months I've been writing it. Half Nekkid Thursday helps alot. :)

Now I have that other blog that I have briefly mentioned here. And last week or so, that blog hit 100,000 hits. It was a silent little victory for me. I have a nice group of loyal readers (I just call them "readers") and friends and I'm grateful for my slice of the dirty blog-o-sphere. Call it what you want, it's something I'm proud of.
---
I was watching What About Brian last night and one of the guys proposed to his wife. It's a long story... but he did the one knee and the diamond ring- thing. It was sweet. Not overly sappy or corny, like a proposal in a fortune cookie, but sweet. Thought out. Genuine.

I've been married twice. I've never had the one knee and the diamond ring. The one knee- yes, and the diamond ring- yes, but not at the same time, or the same guy- and not with any effort put in to it. I didn't care about all that, really, but then maybe I just figure nobody will find me important enough to do it for me- and maybe that's because I keep saying it's not important to me. What came first- the intimacy challenged woman, or the lazy man?

I don't have a plan for my marital status right now. It's on hold. But if I ever actually get married again, God help us all, I think I'm going to do my best to pretend that the whole one knee, big diamond, fancy wedding and spectacular honeymoon IS really important, because really, while it may not be- it might be fun and I won't ever be asking myself this question again:

Did I settle for less, or did I just never ask for more?

I always said that I didn't care about having a big wedding and all that hoopla, what I wanted was a good marriage.

Yeah, now I'm 0 for 2 and I have still never been on a cruise.
---
Flashback: March 1999- it was a Wednesday. We have been living together approximately one month. Dating for a year and a half.

e-husband: "What do you want to do this weekend?"
me, looking through the travel section of the newspaper: "Hey, we could go to Vegas."
e-husband: "We could get married while we're there."
me, laughing slightly: "Well Vegas is the place for that"
e-husband: "We should!"
me: "get married, this weekend?"
e-husband: "Maybe not this weekend. We could leave now. Get married tomorrow. Lets do it."
me: "I can't. I have jury duty tomorrow."
---
It never occured to me until just now- how really funny that is.

You should be dancin... yeah!!!!

Dancin with the Stars, baby. My life just got better.

I always wanted to learn how to ballroom dance. I just found out they have a Salsa Club at the college. I wonder if I could find time for that? I'd love to try. So far Ian (Eye'n) 90210 was pretty good. And he looks much better NOW than he did back then.

I also LOVE that the gal was partnered with Mario Lopez (who I think should have won last season) is now with Billy Ray Cyrus who really really ISN'T a dancer. And considering that they danced a song that he sang on Hannah Montana (a Disney Show that I also secretly love) is funny too. The song? "I Want My Mullet Back." They should have just chosen Achy Breaky.

Ok- and as a card carrying member of Team Timberlake, I just gotta say "GO JOEY!!!"

You know I love the big Italian Guys!!

Knock Knock?

My boys love Knock Knock jokes, they are 3 and 4. I hear it all day.... But this cracked me up!!

Knock Knock

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Eat until the hurtin stops!!

I was listening to Andy and Golfwidow this morning, like I do each weekend and they were talking about comfort foods and just food in general. I have struggled with my food"addiction" for many years and therefore struggled with being overweight. Struggle is a loose term. I don't struggle, if it's a fight, I'm losing- but I think with a motto like "Eat until the hurtin stops" - it's obvious that while I would love to be thinner, I hate to exercise MORE.

I recall one of the times that I was dieting, and I stood at the grocery store, crying- because I couldn't buy any of my favorite cereal that was on sale. Food is my friend, a good friend. Some days, my only friend. I wish that a treadmill were my friend, but you know- it's not. You can't choose who you love, sometimes it chooses you.

My favorite foods are fast. Taco Bell tops the list. and pizza. I eat my pizza with jalapenos and ranch dressing. Yes, no matter what is on it- when I get take out pizza, I always get ranch dressing and jalapenos. It's something I started when I was 16 and working at Pizzamania in LaPalma. It's shut down now, but I worked there for a year or two, and was having sex with the manger. He is was the first of a few managerial types I ended up under. It's no wonder I have issues with authority figures. Anyway. If you go to Pizzamania in Whittier, say hello to Bill. Cause he still runs the place over there and makes some good pizza. The last time I was there was about a year ago. And he still serves it to me with ranch dressing and jalapenos. Hmm, maybe that's what I'll do today for lunch. There is also one in Long Beach- but for some reason I just never go to that one. It's right next door to the college, I pass it 6 times a week. Perhaps it's not at all about the Pizza, but about the guy. ugh- the therapy I need to get past my daddy issues.....

When I am really needing comfort food though... When the world is crashing at my feet I reach for the Doritos. Nacho Cheese doritos and cheese sauce. Frito Lay Jalapeno Cheese dip. I love processed cheese food. I like the spreadable kind that you buy in a plastic tub for fund raisers, or even the spray can cheese. yummmmy. But I love the Doritos and Cheese sauce. When ehusband would come home and see me with the bag of chips and the can of cheese, he would just know that something was horribly wrong. This is really for emergencies only. When life if good- I can't eat it. I relate it to tragedy and sadness. If I am feeling happy, I go for chips and salsa.


I made fresh salsa on Friday. 6 tomatoes, half a red onion, three jalapenos, less than half of a bunch of cilantro, lime and salt. Slice dice and mix. Viola!! It's so good. I have been eating it with chips since Friday night. I was going to bring some to work- but I ate it all. At least mass quantities of salsa is better than a can of cheese.

Home is where.... where???

Yesterday was half Nekkid Thursday (see post below). Os said "it's steak and bj" day. I don't know if that's every Thursday, or it's a monthly thing, or yearly. I guess it depends on who you are married to.

But last night, after Grey's Anatomy was a new show

october road.

I loved it. Maybe it's the way Bryan Greenberg looks so sad and troubled, even when he's smiling. Maybe it's because I like Laura Prepon, cause she's hot it in a less obvious way. I think I have nostalgic ideas about friendships. I am curious how you can leave and not come home for 10 years. I can't imagine needing to escape my life so badly that I would stay away for 10 years.

The premise of the show seems to be about where you find yourself. And I've been looking for years. Any hints will help.


I currently live about a mile away from the house I grew up in. Yesterday I filled my gas tank at the same station that I filled the gas tank of my very first car. The owner has a crush on me, every time I go in and see him, he calls me the love of his life- and tells me he's going to marry me someday. (As I get older, I find him cuter.) The guy at video store has known me since I was 8, when they first opened, I guess. My oldest son went to the same Boys and Girls club that I went to. My youngest sons play at the same park I played at.

I have lived farther away from here, farther from my mom, who lives about 1/4 of a mile away from me. It was maybe 45 minutes away. It's not that I wouldn't live far. That I wouldn't live in another state or something, I just have never found a reason to.

For all the crap between my mom and I, I just feel better knowing that she's around the corner. But I wonder what it'd be like, if she wasn't. If I packed up me and the kids and drove away, in search of life, love, who knows?? Maybe the reason I don't feel like I fit, is because I've never left long enough to not fit someplace else. Can you really appreciate where you are, if you've never been anywhere else.

How important is it to leave home??

HNT- breaking the dress code

When I look in the mirror I don't always realize how LOW CUT things are until later. This was me, last week. Boobs everywhere!!! So much that it pulled the design right off the top!! Well, actually I just didn't realize it was already missing....

I had a neurosurgeon standing next to me at one point in the day, looking down at my computer. I could feel his eyes burning into my chest.

But either way. This was clearly not dress code appropriate!! My boobs are not work safe! Point taken! (HA!)

Don't wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

Ok, are you watching The PussyCat Dolls on TV? The Search for the new doll? Whatever the show is called. Oh I love it.

I love the catty bitches.

Yesterday a girl was sent home cause they needed a classier style of sexy. Meaning, she was too slutty- for the PUSSYCAT DOLLS!!!! Oh hell no!!!! She dances like a stripper, cause, you know- she IS a stripper. When you are too much of a slut to be a PCD, you got serious problems.

My favorite is Sisely. She's a good dancer, she's got a fresh Suicide Girl look to her, which is way sexy- and she seems to have a brain too. When all the other girls were stayin up all night and getting really sick, she decided that she needed to get her rest cause she can't sing and dance if she's exhausted.

She's also from Long Beach, CA. She's a local girl, she's tough. She probably kicks serious ass.

Can you suck any LESS??

Some people really suck out loud. I mean, on a scale of Decent to major DOUCHETARD, some people score higher than Whitney Houston. (crack is WHACK!) Please excuse me while I vomit on your pathetic attempt to convince me that you are not just an asshooooooole.

But I heard someone say, "If you surround yourself with assholes, you will eventually get shit on." I should have known better.

Confessions of a recovering drama junkie

I don't know that I would call myself a drama queen, at least not any more. I have my share- maybe the share of a few people. But it's a lot less than it used to be. I have questionable judgement sometimes, but I own it. And yeah, sometimes I am attracted to "the hard way" of doing things. Sometimes I like to cause a ruckus, just to know I'm still breathing. But it's not the same as the 'drama queen' I once was.

I suspect drama happens when people don't OWN the stupid decisions they make.

Back in the day, my 20's. Actually from about 19-22. I "dated" ("dated" being a loose term) a married guy, and it was a big tangled web of lies and deception that involved TOO many people- and I was not sorry for it- cause you know, I was in LOOOOOVE. yeah, shoot me. But it was my lack of owning up to the crappy behavior that made me continue with crappier behavior and in comes the drama. I slept around, I treated people badly and refused to admit that I was ever in the wrong. Jason, Bill, Steve, Robert, Bob, Trever, Paul... the list goes on and on.... and I was surrounded with drama. Got into fights, been hit (seriously HAD IT COMING), practically left on the side of the road. kicked out of places, lost friends, been the topic of MAJOR gossip in the workplace. Hmmm, is it gossip if it's true??

I've been thinking about this today. I have a friend at work who seems to get getting into this type of thing. There is nothing wrong with dating around, playing the field- but I suspect there is a smart way to do it. For one, tell the people that you are dating other people. Don't tell all three guys where you are going to be on Saturday night- and then get all shocked and "dramatized" when they all say they will see you there!!! Use condoms. Don't assume that visually clean, means STD clean?!?!? Don't get naked and in the shower with a guy and then be suprised when he sticks it in. Use your head girl!!! Like you didn't feel that sneaking up behind you?? Who are you trying to convince??

But I realize that I played that game. That was me when I was younger. Hooked on the drama and did all that I could to make sure it stayed around for the duration. Kept the focus on me me me- it made me feel somehow important. I must have exhausted my friends. And the ones who were not caught up in the same kind of drama, shook thier heads at me- wondering why I was such a fucking idiot, while I cried, drunk at thier doorstep at 3AM- wondering 'how did this happen to me?"

Anyway, now, I still make questionable decisions. Things I am not proud of, situations that are over my head. Moments that are not my best. But the reason why it's not the same kind of drama, is because it's MY drama. I own my fucking issues. I don't get other people sucked into it, other than just having knowledge about it and maybe ask for an ear to cry to if I need it. I used to spend hours on the phone, get others involved. Try to rally around my cause. And while sometimes, I find myself wanting to do that- I don't- at least not often. I acknowledge the shitty decisions I've made. I own my mistakes and I don't ask why things happen to me. They happen cause I was stupid about something. I believed something I should not have, I trusted someone untrustworthy, or I just got unlucky. It happens, but I think the way to avoid drama, is to just accept that every decision (good or bad) comes with a consequence (good or bad)- and it usually isn't anyone elses fault.

Perhaps it's something many of us go through. That drama phase, where we just don't know which way is up and still feel like we can get through life with good looks and get out of trouble with a well timed blowjob.

Yeah, that doesn't work anymore.

And really, it didn't work very well then either.

itunes meme.

I got this from my niece on my space, and since her 'mental age' (another myspace bulletin) was higher than mine, I thought it would be safe, except here I will figure out a way to justify it. I believe in itunes. It was actually one of the funner meme's I've done. Go ahead, do it. Resist the temptation to be cool, you're not.


IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend your cool...just type it in man!

OPENING CREDITS:
Girls, Girls, Girls by Motley Crue (this is a tough one, perhaps it has something to do with a deep seeded desire to be a stripper. Or maybe cause I loved the metal hair bands.)

WAKING UP:
The Wildest Times of the World by Vonda Shepard (I wake up alone now, but there have been times that I've woken up with some questionable people. Maybe my bed is just a wild place, or at least it used to be)

FIRST DAY AT SCHOOL:
Just Can't Get Enough by Depeche Mode (I well, this song could also be describing my LAST day at school, which was Thursday.)

FALLING IN LOVE:
Crazy by Leanne Rimes (yeah shut up)

FIGHT SONG:
Someone to Call my Lover by Janet Jackson (no, seriously- shut up)

BREAKING UP:
How Can I Help you To Say Goodbye by Patti Loveless (this is fitting, and considering I usually skip it when it plays tells you that I apparently never do!)

PROM:
The Song Remembers When by Trisha Yearwood (at least someone remembers, I have blocked it out. There was a pink dress, and some wine coolers. Maybe a hotel room.)

GRADUATION:
Something happened on the way to Heaven by Phil Collins (that's more of an after graduation thing. And I think his name was Trever)

LIFE:
Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away) by Motley Crue (further justification of my intimacy issues and the fact that if I spend any length of time with a man, I will eventually start to hate him)

MENTAL BREAKDOWN:
Call me when your sober by Evanessence (yes, the irony. It's funny, in a very very sad way)

DRIVING:
I Could Never Take the Place of your Man by Prince (now is this because I usually let the guy drive, or is it about my love for backseats.)

FLASHBACK:
Shoop by Salt n Pepa (*wicked smile*

GETTING BACK TOGETHER:
Do You Remember by Phil Collins ('we never talked about it, but I hear the blame was mine....) (yeah Robert, shut up)

WEDDING:
I love Rock and Roll by Britney Spears (explains alot)

LOSING VIRGINITY:
Rhythm Nation by Janet Jackson (*another wicked smile*)

BIRTH OF CHILD:
You could be mine by Guns and Roses (should I have done this three times? )

FINAL BATTLE:
Hey Baby by No Doubt (what kind of battle is this, cause with this as the music, I think I could kick ass!!)

DEATH SCENE:
Cheatin by Sarah Evans (no comment)

FUNERAL SCENE:
When You were Young by The Killers (He doesn't look a thing like Jesus!!)

END CREDITS:
Yeah! by Usher (Oh, I love this song... You can play it anywhere.)

In all, it's a pretty fucked up movie, but a good soundtrack. Kind of like Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion, or Wayne's World. A few good lines and things you remember, but really the soundtrack is the best part.

Anchors...a-what?

I'm listening to Food is Not Love. It's pretty funny. I don't know if it's the Only Podcast that Matters, cause you know, I have that undying love for Andy and Golfwidow. It makes me feel like I have a life, to know the inside jokes and be a part of the crowd. I'd start a podcast if I thought I could resist the temptation to fake an orgasm. Do not give me a microphone. I don't have a great voice, I talk too fast, and I am terribly inappropriate. The Snowboarder said it was sexy, but you know, he wanted to fuck me, so I think he'd have told me that if I was a mime.

So I will stick with typing, for now. Maybe I will call Andy and fake my orgasm, just to get it out of my system. He'd dig that, the slutty juggler.

Yesterday I did another ultimate super woman task. I was hanging something, and I used an anchor cause my walls are made of graham crackers or something. So I called Ed and he talked me through my first anchoring.

me- Hey, how do you use an anchor?
ed- for what, a boat?
me- no, a wall anchor. (thought- punkass)
ed- oh (laughs) what kind of anchor is it?
me- (loud laugher) why do you think I know that?
ed- what color is it? (thought- chick)
me- grey
ed- what does it look like?
me- kind of phallic
ed- does it look screwy?
me- (inappropriate answer)
ed- do you want my help? (thought- tramp)
me- yes, I'm sorry (thought- twat)
ed- ok, well that's a standard anchor, you need to drill a hole.
me- well, I can't do that, I don't have a drill. But there are two holes where this thing came out of the wall, so can I use those?
ed- do you have screws that go with it?
me- I hope so, these came with my cool tool box. So...um.....yes?

minutes later....

me- does it sound like I'm hammering too hard?
ed- no, sounds fine (thought- yawn)
me- I'm going to use my drill to screw these in.
ed- you rock (thought- I wonder whats on cable tonight?)
me- yes, yes I do.
...sound of a drill...
me- This is so sexually satisfying.
ed- you are using that on the wall right? (thought- do I need to be here for this?)
me- wouldn't you like to know?
ed- (laugher)
me- I'm keeping you on the line so you can sing my praises when I'm done
ed- (laugher) (thought-you need a life, Julie)
...drill stops...
me- it's done. Oh my god. I am so fucking cool.
ed- yes, you are so cool. you rock. You SO don't need a man. (thought- if you had a man, you would not bother me with this shit)
me- now, I want to spackle stuff!
ed- (loud laughter) that takes more work. we'll do that next time. You are awesome. (thought- oh god. she is psychotic)
me- I think I had one.
ed- yeah, that happens sometimes. (thought- yeah, you need a man)

He's a soldier for my cause.

It's a swift, spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever.

This morning when I was in the shower, Danny threw a book at Gabe. It was one of those cardboard books, so it may have hurt, and Gabe is kind of a sally.... So Gabe was crying and when I went to see what was up, Gabe told me that Danny hurt him by throwing a book.

I called Danny over- and he promptly ignored me. He sat on the floor, with the weapon in question. Slowly turning the pages, as if maybe I would not SEE him if he made no quick movements. I called him again, and again. The 4th time, I "middle named" him and he looked over at me, innocent as the day he was born.

He came over and I asked him, "Did you throw that book at Gabe?" He looked at Gabe, who was still crying- a little too much drama for my tastes- but he looked at Gabe, with his beautiful innocent eyes.

And if you had blinked, you'd have missed it. But I didn't.

Danny, looking towards his older brother who was crying, gave Gabe a glare that burned through the back of his head. A look that said, "Did you fucking TELL on me??" I saw it, and I think even Gabe saw it. It only lasted a second, oooh- but it was there. A look that said, "I am going to hurt you when Mom is not looking." A look that made me think that perhaps it was Danny- the sweet one, the funny one, my favorite one- got the worst trait that his father and I BOTH have.

Moral Flexibility.

It's "situational judgment." The underlying concept is that one is in general a normal, well adjusted citizen, but is also capable of preforming certain deeds which would be considered by others to be outside the normal bounds of socially acceptable behavior.

Now, Kim told me that I should not put these things out there. That I should not assume that my kids will have problems, because that is like inviting them in. But remember what I said before about the acorn and the tree?? And if you know anything about genetics... well, it was bound to happen.

It's not about the universe, it's genetics.

He did say he was sorry, and hugged his brother- but he first just tried to lean in, so Gabe could hug HIM. He was a bit apathetic about it. He didn't mean it. He said a flat, "Sorry Gabe" cause I made him say it. He had already forgotten what Gabe was carrying on about, he just wanted to read his book.

I never asked why he threw the book at Gabe, but I'm sure in Danny's little mind, Gabe had it coming- and he'll do it again if he has to.

Half Nekkid Thursday

So since I have no camera, I have to take pictures via my cell phone or my webcam. Sorry for the grainy pics, but you know- it's best I can do.



This is me at the end of the day when the kids are in bed. It's my favorite way to unwind, on the couch, half dressed, watching TV. I don't get to do it very often. I usually find myself doing homework, studying, or writing. I fall asleep at the computer about 4 nights a week. But occasionally, I will just watch TV. I was watching some PBS thing on Elvis, and waiting for a friend to hop on line, hence the web cam being on. I let the camera take pictures of me every 10 seconds or so for about 20 minutes.

I later put a few Elvis tunes on my ipod, and he never did show up on line.... Oh well, he missed out.

The cool-ification of Economics

My Econ teacher is lecturing on marginal costs and spending. Nobody is listening, except, apparently me- which is funny because I am writing a paper for another class right now and hardly listening. Maybe it's my super mom ears and I can pay attention while not paying attention.

But how do I know that nobody else is paying attention? Because he just said:

"Well at that point, you've shot your wad."

I looked up and looked around. Nothing. Nobody even smiled. Nobody heard it!!!!

How do you NOT smile when our stammering republican econ teacher uses the term, "shot your wad" ?? I leaned over to a classmate who is studying for another class and asked her, "Did he just say 'you've shot your wad." ?

She doesn't know, she wasn't listening.

But I heard it. He stops seconds short of saying "fuck" alot. He replaces it with 'darn', 'frick' 'rats fanny'.

But he just said something better. 4 words that redeem him, regardless of how much he stammers, is boring, or supports the Govenator.

"You've shot your wad."

He's officially cool.

Caution- adult content...

Go away if you are not an adult, or cannot think like one.

The Rabbit and I worked out our differences. It was an emergency. It was one of those jobs that only a special tool could handle. It was clean. Probably cleaner than it was out of the box. The only bad 'juju' it haD, was what I was giving it. Kim told me that there is a way to cleanse items of those negative feelings. But essentially, it was about me. If I felt that it was physically germ free- then the only thing holding me back, was my own feelings about it. So when I felt it was clean of that, then it was. Period.

So today was one of those days... you know, a week after the period when you are most likely ovulating so the urge is to fuck anything that moves. Hey, it's all about the procreation. I don't make the rules. However, it's sick and twisted that they even apply to me, since all my leftover eggs choke off and die somewhere in the midst of all my disconnected girl plumbing. Anyway. So I decided that the Rabbit was clean. I made up my mind that I would NOT be tormented by the fuckers who broke into my apartment- made a big mess and threw my toys around the room. I will not be afraid.

I will not let the terrorists win.

I needed to deal with this, once and for all. At one point I had pledged undying love for The Rabbit. I claimed that if I never had a man in my bed again, I would be sad, but you know, I'd live. Nobody wins in a stand off such as this one, except the fuckers who broke into my apartment and left me feeling uncertain about The Rabbit. About The Rabbit's ability to fulfill it's only job in my house.

So we started off slowly, not rushing into anything. I had moments where I was ready to give up. Frustrated and certain that it was going around and around in circles, but really, not getting me anywhere. It was rough. It was a knock down drag out fight.

But you know me.
I am not a quitter.

It took some time, a long time, but we worked it out. Conflicts like this simply can't go on for too long. I live with enough disappointment and hardship. I can't be denied my one 'sure thing'. Then the terrorists really HAVE won.