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Using my 40's as a do-over for my thirties, only smarter. I often mistake the bees and honey reference with the one about free milk and a cow. This might explain my whole life.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Insane in the Brain

So today I got to watch Brain Surgery. Seriously. BRAIN fucken SURGERY.

From INSIDE the O.R. thank you. I almost got splashed with water and brain residue. I was that close.

Did I mention that I am a secretary???

How many secretaries do you know, get to watch BRAIN SURGERY??

Let me clear my throat....

BRAIN SURGERY

So I work at a large non-profit hospital for the Stroke Department. My boss is the Neuro/Stroke manager and she and some of the nurses are going to be doing a poster presentation at the American Association of NeuroSciences Nurses Convention in the spring. So thier presentation is on Deep Brain Stimulation for patients with Parkinsons Disease. So one of the Neurosurgeons said that they could watch a procedure. And because my boss is a kick ass big shot around there lately, she was able to get me in to watch. I assume that they think I have a clinical background. I'm not about to tell them differently.



The procedure, is that they put the lead (the electrode) into this guys BRAIN and then the extension (like extension cord) will be attached next week, to the 'batterypack' and that gets placed on his chest, much like a pacemaker. They adjust the settings and the tremors, ideally, stop. It's all technical and I am learning, but what I do know- is that this kick ass Neurosurgeon made a 4-5 inch incision, exposed this guys SKULL. Drilled into his head with what looked to me like a Black and Decker, make a hole the size of penny. Sucking away blood, and "skullmush" (think sawdust). Ok, so it was not a HUGE hole, I mean, I guess looking into that hole, I could see the brain.


THE BRAIN

Yeah, that is not what I saw, but I saw the skull and a penny sized hole drilled in to it.


I took this picture!!

So they had this metal cage thing on his head that is like a positioning device and based on these computer generated coordinates, they know exactly where to drill and how far to stick this long tube in this guys brain, leaving behind a very thin wire, about the size of a piece of hair with the electrode in the deep in the brain, which will run out of his skull, under the scalp, down his head and neck and be attached to the "battery pack" (neurostimulator) on his chest.

The second part is when they attach it to the batterypack, so they just tucked the wire and the connector under his scalp, just shoved it down, like stuffing money in your bra.



I wonder if that itches... You know, like you got something under your skin!!! yeah, a wire and a connector, talk about an irritant.
My head itches just thinking about it.

So yeah, I had a pretty good day at work.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Why I <3 Geeks

From Wikihow.com:

A geek is someone smart and intellectual. They're usually good with computers and do well in school. Nerds on the other hand, specialize. A nerd can tell you every fact known to man about the topic they specialize in. Nerds are generally somewhat obsessive in one particular area. You might even say they know "way too much" about the topic for any kind of practical application (e.g. memorizing about 300 digits of pi, or obsessive trivia knowledge of Star Trek).Geeks are usually less obsessive but still very knowledgeable in particular domains. Geeks are more associated with intelligence, while nerds are more associated with obsessive knowledge and trivia.

So now we know. I have a few friends that claim to be geeks. Proud ones. Now I know why. Cause they are known to be smart and intellectual, not obsessive and creepy.

I think a lot of the Geeks I know are actually nerds who know the difference, but they can, what's the word... hold back. True nerds simply don't know any better. Too concerned with pi. or Star Trek. Did I mention that I never saw the first Star Trek movie? Sorry.... I only saw the second one, cause the "adulterous bastard" liked it (I was going to call him the "10 inch bastard", but I thought that might be too much info.) So if I say that the second one is my favorite of all the Star Treks, it's cause it's the only one that I saw!! But you see, I can make conversation about it.

I personally love Geeks. They can fix my computer, and have decent conversation- and they are usually smart enough not to make me feel stupid for not knowing everything they know. And well, the geeks...ladies, they want to KNOW things- and they kind of obsess about it until they get it right. They don't like doing things wrong.

They are....ummmmm...thorough.

Amen to that.

Funny things I find on Medical Charts



Prescripition:
Zocar 20 mg
Levaquin 500mg
Continue Home Medications: Cymbalta, Lamisil, Thyroid Medication

New Orders:
low fat, low cholesteral 1800 calarie ADA Diet
Discontinue Marijuana


Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Holidailies

In attempts to get myself writing more, I have registered with Holidailies. In which I make a promise to post something every day from December 1 to January 1. So look forward to THAT. Aren't you thrilled? If you ever thought of starting a blog, this would be a good time. The minimum is 50 words, and you can upload it to the main portal and maybe you will get selected for being the "special blog of the day". Of course that will be my goal, because while I am not egotistical, I crave acceptance- so perhaps you will even find something worthwhile to read here. comments comments comments.

I think maybe doing this thru the holiday season will be a good thing for me. Holidays are usually pretty tough on me, seasonal depression or "too broke to celebrate." This year I will be rich with LOVE....

Yeah, can't even say that with a straight face.

So anyway, stop by on occasion and see whats up with me. I will try to be funny, I swear. I will try not to bitch about any of my husbands (ex or e), my bank account, or my mother. Well, I will try anyway. I can't promise to be cheery- but I promise to be HERE. I am hoping it will improve my writing.

Hold on to your [add gender specific body parts here], ladies and gents, I'm going to attempt personal growth!!

Confession:
I buy paper or foam plates and plastic utensils so I don't have to do as many dishes.
I love throwing it all away after dinner!!

www.postsecret.com

Saturday, November 25, 2006

The E-husband

A brief return of the grumpy-cunt whiner.

Today is his birthday and it's weird to not spend it with him. We've talked, about 5 times today. We had sort of a fight last night. Not a fight, but a conversation that had an ugly undertone. It was about moving on. Who does it first, and why.

He is not ready to be in any kind of relationship. He feels hurt by me, that I somehow betrayed him by leaving. He is entitled to his feelings, but I don't agree. He says he is in no way wanting to get into a relationship. I feel differently. I am lonely. I've BEEN lonely for a long time. Wanting the comfort of a man in my life. A partner. Moving on to me, seems obvious. If I didn't want to move on and 'date'- well, I guess I would have stayed with him. I have had friends encourage me to stay single. Don't date- just be alone. Find out who you are.

For starters, this is all with the assumption that I don't know who I am. Secondly, I've BEEN alone. E-husband and I lived in this house together- and took care of the boys. But we stopped being a "couple" a long time ago. Holidays were obligatory. Kisses were token. And niceties were few and far between. It had been a long time since he held my hand. Since he said grabbed me in the hallway and kissed me. Since we had anything that remotely resembled intimacy. Being alone and single is not going to make me realize that I don't want these things. I already know that I enjoy the company of a good man who will hold my hand, grab me for a kiss, and all that other stuff. Just because I got my ass kicked in this marriage, does not make me unsuitable to be around people.

Anyway, e-husband feels that I made it thru the addiction, but left when he got truly sick. I guess if you wanted to look at a timeline, that is true. But it was not so simple and to see it that way, well, I guess you would have to really be on that side. And we are just on different sides. I miss him, I really do. He is the man I will probably love above all other men in my life- and I am truly heartbroken that things ended up this way.

But I started my mourning period years ago. It was at least two years ago that I really started to have doubts that this marriage would withstand the pressure we put on it. A year ago, I knew it wouldn't. And it took another year before I had the guts to walk away. So this is not a fresh wound for me. I was seeing scabs and scars before the day he packed his things. Does this mean that I'm over him? No, not by a long shot. But do I think I'm ready to move on. Yes, definately.

What I am afraid of, however- is telling the e-husband. Hey, I've got a date (if I had a date). I thought this was to mean that I wasn't ready to date. But I suspect, after having this conversation with e-husband that the reason I'm not ready to tell him is because I know, or at least I think, it will really hurt him. It will be 'final' for him and I fear that it will send him into a nasty ugly depression. That the current civil relationship we enjoy will be over and I will lose him, again. I am afraid, because like always, his feelings are more important than mine.

ugh- this "being honest with myself" thing- sucks ass.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Why can't I write this paper?

I got a wild hair today, so instead of writing my 10 page sexual harassment paper- I put up my Christmas tree. It's a fake tree so it can be up as long as I want it to. I assembled it on the kids patio, and then could not get it thru slider without moving half the kids room. So I heave-ho'ed it over the gate and then retrieved it outside, dragging it thru the front door.

What I could not do, is find the RIGHT Christmas Tree stand. We have two of them. The one that I could find, was the wrong one. The supports are too skinny- and so is the base of my fake tree. I tried to thicken it up, but that didn't help. So the tree is up, but it's sort of LEANING in the wall. I called my ex and he reminded me that we bought another stand. Where it IS?- that is a different story. I know it's here- I think I have seen it recently. I'm sure it's in plain sight, but I can't see it because it's been sitting in front of me for so long. So now I have the leaning Christmas tree- no lights, no decorations. But it's up- well, it's in the house.

Last year we did not put it up because we were depressed, broke and not in the mood. This year, damn it- I want Christmas. Still broke, a little depressed- but I'm not going to skip it this year. This year is going to be different. And it starts with me, putting up my 8 foot Christmas tree on my own. My estranged husband is staying with us next weekend for my youngest beastie's birthday. (Jaws- I totally stole that term!!!) So e-husband will decorate with us and I will keep the tree up until after my oldest beastie goes back to his dad in January. The beastie boys (I totally worked that in) will enjoy the Christmas tree as long as they want to. It's a fake tree. I can hang hearts on it and make it a Valentine's Day tree. Hang plastic eggs for easter.

Well, I COULD.

The sex life of mothers- less than a ballpark.

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Thursday, November 23, 2006

Misty water colors

It always cracks me up when people imitate turkeys. On one of my favorite radio shows, every year they call the Butterball turkey hotline and ask them how to catch a live turkey and kill it, and there is a turkey running around in the background, which is really just a guy making turkey sounds. It's a stupid little bit, but it cracks me up.

I am often, amused by stupid humor.

The ability to swallow is a big deal in hospitals. They have whole departments devoted to it. It's a big part of my job to make sure that patients are checked for thier ability to sip some water without choking after they have a stroke. So I thought we should make buttons to remind people of this important step that say "Do You Swallow?" I thought it was brilliant. People laugh when I tell them.
What does a girl have to do to be taken seriously?

Take the quick test here on the left to find out your risk for stroke.
Just do it.

So I have been getting along quite wonderfully with my estraged husband lately. He comes across quite charming when he isn't driving me crazy. I won't see him today. He commented how weird that would be that we won't be together for Thanksgiving- but then I remembered last year, I took the kids to my friends for Thanksgiving and he slept all day. So I didn't really see him then either. His memories of the past few years are slightly different than mine.

My favorite memory is of Thanksgiving, many years ago. Probably the year my dad died, or the year before, 1979 or 1980. My dad had us kids for Thanksgiving, and probably had a pretty simple meal planned. And I remember that alot of people brought dishes over for our Thanksgiving. My aunts (mom's sisters), neighbors, even his landlord. I vaguely remember it being a very big dinner in the end.
Those memories get farther and farther away each year.
Some days I can't even remember what he looks like. And all of those memories are just photographs. My father looks exactly like the picture. My memories are photographs. Sometimes when I see pictures I have never seen before, I think "He never looked like THAT!" That's because I don't have that picture.

I wonder what memories my children will have?

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Super-what?

It's been a while since I've been in this good of a mood. I feel pretty good right now. Like there are possibilities and I don't need to jump off a cliff or anything to escape my miserable existence. I am trying to just 'go with it'. Find the flow, and go with it.

Or maybe I just had too much coffee and antidepressants. I'm sort of buzzing.

I am off school for the rest of the week and I have a 10 page paper due on Monday. 10 pages on Sexual Coersion/ Sexual Harassment in Education. I stayed away from sexual harassment in the workplace- I am more of a harassER than a harassEE. I think about how many men I have dated, or screwed that I worked with back in the day (which was a Wednesday)...jeez- what a trampy little broad I was back then.

Yes, back then.
Not now.
Then.

I didn't think of myself as Trampy back then, I was experimental. Liberated. Uninhibited. A SuperTramp if you will.


But not now.....

I am not screwing any physicians.
No Nurses.
No Physical Therapists or Security Guards.

Although I have made a mental list if I have option. If somehow I could get a smorgasboard of the men I'd like to sample. You know, just borrow with authorization and share the "royalties."



Ha, that was funny.

So at your place of work, if you work in a big place- who would you sleep with if you could do it and not get fired, caught, divorced or kicked out onto the street? There's always SOMEONE. Girls discuss this stuff. Who we'd sleep with, who we thought had the biggest dick. Yes, sometimes we girls can be pretty trashy. Men we'd sleep with, women we might sleep- well maybe that was just me. I TOLD YOU- trampy.

I don't apoligize for it. Why bother??

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Sternberg says...?

Tonights reading in my Sex Ed class is about love and different theories of romantic love. People have done studies on the theories of love. Oh that's rich... So anyway we have Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love which basically links Intimacy, Commitment and Passion and depending on what you have will equal the kind of love you have. Apparently it's best to have all three, duh. Here's a run down:


  • Intimacy + Passion = Romantic Love. No commitment, like a summer romance.
  • Passion + Commitment = Fatuous love. Commitment based on passion but no time for intimacy to develop, shallow, like a whirlwind courtship that eventually fades out.
  • Commiment + Intimacy = Companionate Love. Long Term committed friendship, such as a marriage in which the passion has faded.
  • Intimacy alone = Liking
  • Passion alone = Infatuation
  • Commitment alone = Empty Love
There are other theories, but I like this one.
So there you have it. I can now find out what was wrong with every relationship I've ever had. Viola! I am not emotionally retarded. Nor am I dead inside nor am I just an ice queen. My relationships lack intimacy. I'm not a perfectionist, maybe I'm just impatient.


I can commit and I can be passionate, but eventually I will start to hate most of the men I spend time with. I have said several times, "I love being married- it's my husband I can't stand."
---
I long for a man I won't hate. I'm not generally a man hater although there's a compelling argument there.
I have been called a maneater. But I think that is a whole different triangle theory.
Something to do with control and who gets to be on top the first time.
Guess who wins that one- every time??
You decide...
---
My mind is whirring tonight with dreams of...
Rob Lowe.
I was going to say something brilliant and smart there, and then I heard his voice.
Rob Lowe... on my TV.
Ah, the Gods are smiling on me.
---
Romantic love sounds lovely. Rob Lowe is lovely. I think I'd like to try passion and intimacy, with no commitment
with Rob Lowe.




Nobody said love was perfect, but that doesn't mean it isn't love- that sounds like a "Get out of slut free" card for me!!! Thank you Mr. Sternberg!

It's that's moving up- then I'm....

MOVIN OUT!!!

I have moved to a new blog. I feel like this one is not really serving the purpose it once did and I know I'm linked to an Recovery Search Engine. I will leave this one up and please feel free to comment to the archives or ask me any questions. I am happy to talk to anyone who wants to talk program with me- because I truly feel that it saved me.

For those of you who just want to keep up with my crazy musings, I'm here.

You'll figure it out.

Ciao Baby!!!

New and Improved

I decided to move this over cause my old blog was meant to be set up for Al-Anon and really I have ventured away from it. No reason other than I just don't have the time to commit. I was linked to a recovery site so I don't want people looking for a recovery link to venture over and listen to me bitch about things not related, but I didn't want to take it down, so I decided to start new- fresh. It was having the not so fresh feeling. So leave me comments, bitches. Stopped by- got bored, left. I'm a whore for traffic, I'm a whore for a lot of things. I'm famous in my own living room.

I will start out with one of those stupid 100 things about me, and hopefully I can think of 100. Enjoy me! And leave me comments.

1. Julie, Do Ya Love Me is a song from Bobby Sherman. I've had it sung to me lots of times.
2. I don't mind that I drive a mini-van, but sometimes I wish it was small and sexy.
3. I have three sons and am separated from my husband of 7 years.
4. I don't like carrots, but my mother still puts carrots on my plate and I if she isn't looking, I throw them away.
5. I love my mothers cooking more than anyone else's.
6. I am content to know that I will never cook as well as she does.
7. My eldest brother is a US Marine.
8. I do not tell him often enough how proud I am of him, even though I suspect my opinion means very little.
9. My older brother is NOT a US Marine.
10. I almost never tell him how much I love him, but I hope he knows it anyway.
11. My older sister is my hero- even though we don't always agree.
12. My mother is the voice in my head. I will probably never stop wanting her approval.
13. I realize I will never have her approval- but I know she loves me.
14. Sometimes it really sucks being the youngest, nobody expects much, until I disappoint them, and then I am sadly reminded that 'they expected more from me'.
15. My real father died when I was 9. I have very little memories of him.
16. My first step dad died when I was 22. I try to block out the bad memories, and focus on the good ones.
17. When I say, "My dad" I am usually not talking about my real father.
18. I think about my real father every day when I go to work.
19. I work in a hospital. The last place I saw my real father was in a hospital.
20. I have serious daddy issues.
21. I have abandonment issues.
22. I have generalized anxiety disorder.
23. I take medication for it.
24. When I forget to take it, after about three days I become an unbearable bitch.
24. I am not USUALLY a bitch.
25. I think that being in love is the greatest feeling in the world.
26. I realize that being in love is not enough to make a relationship work.
27. I have loved many men who I could not make it work with.
28. Nice boys rarely know how to deal with me.
29. Bad boys break my heart.
30. I have very little heart left to break, so I think I'm safe either way.
31. I went to my 10 year reuinion in 1999 and I was the only one who gained a pound in 10 years.
32. I met my husband in high school.
33. I think that my husband really is the love of my life. Refer to #26.
34. I don't know if I will ever get married again, but I hope so.
35. I am learning to appreciate the joys of being single.
36. Sometimes I watch my kids cartoons, even if they are not home.
37. My younger step-sister, is a good and true friend, even though I think we would kill each other if we tried to figure the other person out.
38. My family is the base of who I am.
39. Sometimes I feel very different from them- but I think as a group, it all makes sense.
40. My brothers girlfriend is one of the most amazing women I know, even though I don't think she gets me either.
41. I have a friend who has cancer and I am terrified for her because she doesn't seem to be scared at all.
42. I hate that I am at the age where my friends will start to get things like cancer.
43. I am in the middle of a mid life crisis, even though I think that if I define it as a crisis, it's no longer a crisis.
44. I have a twisted sense of humor in the way that sometimes I think very innapropriate jokes and comments are funny.
45. Innapropriate comment #1 - "If I wasn't so stupid he wouldn't hit me."
46. I have been hit twice.
47. The first time, I had it coming.
48. I'm suprised I have not been hit more.
49. Sometimes I do not know when to shut up.
50. I am not very tall or strong, but when provoked, I think I'm fucken Wonder Woman.
51. I have a fear that someday, someone will prove to me that I'm NOT Wonder Woman and beat the ever-lovin out of me because I pushed too far.
52. I have a terribly dirty mouth. I cuss like a man.
53. I love calling people, 'bitch'.
54. I am not afraid of the word 'cunt'. Go ahead, say it- it's liberating. "CUUUNNNNNT!!!" If you are afraid, do it in the privacy of your car.
55. I think 'cunt' should be the new 'bitch' because 'bitch' has become 'ass'. Not even a bad word anymore.
56. Boys like me cause I say the word, "cunt". Direct quote, "Your sister is the coolest chick ever, she just said 'cunt'"
57. I am a shameless flirt and I love cute boys.
58. I don't care if people think I'm slutty. I'm 35 and it's ok to want to get laid every once in a while.
59. Shit, 100 is alot. I'M bored with myself.
60. My favorite blogs are PostSecret and D-Man.
61. I have a different list of favorites too- but those are Xrated.
62. I feel like many of the secrets in PostSecret are mine.
63. I am envious of women who truly aspire to be good wives.
64. I was not a great wife.
65. I try to be a good mother, but some days I want to lock myself in my room.
66. If I could afford it, I would have more kids but I not because I want a daughter.
67. I have a step daughter, and I'm content with that.
68. So far, being a single mom is harder than raising kids in an unhappy marriage.
69. My marriage was unhappy because we struggled with addiction.
70. Drug and alcohol addiction is the worst thing that ever happened to my life, and I wasn't even the one using.
71. Sometimes I wished that I had the problem, so that way I could just be irresponsible and blame whole segments of my life on vodka or crack.
72. I am too lazy and too cheap for a drug or alcohol problem.
73. I am afraid that my children will grow up and become addicts.
74. I am almost certain that at least one will, because that's the way it usually happens.
75. It will probably NOT be the one that I suspect it will be either.
76. I can talk about addiction, and sex until I am blue in the face.
77. The only drug I have ever tried is pot, and I didn't hate it at all.
78. I love movies. Romance, comedy, sometimes a good action film.
79. Pornography (18+) does not bother me at all.
80. I have let two people take naked pictures of me. The second one, I had totally forgotten about until he reminded me. He said he destroyed them. I have no idea where the first set of naked pictures are, but I was 16- so it's child porn now and I suspect someone will get arrested for admitting they have them.
81. I like writing erotica and I think I'm good at it.
82. I love big guys, and bald guys. A big bald guy is like candy to me.
83. I am afraid that my husband will kill himself.
84. There are many days when I totally understand why he wants to die.
85. It was hard to admit that I could not help him, and I had to walk away to save my own life.
86. Sometimes I miss him, and other times I am happy he is gone. He exhausts me.
87. I have a good sense of humor about how crazy my life has become.
88. I think the sexiest thing a man can have is a sense of humor.
89. I am secretly amused by corny jokes and innapropriate references to sex.
90. I am a true believer in, "it's always the quiet ones...."
91. I'm a cheap date and a cheaper drunk.
92. The best compliment I ever got was on a Christmas Wish List when I was 18. A guy said All he wanted for Christmas was me.
93. He had me that Christmas and he could probably have me this Christmas if he wanted me.
94. I usually hate the holidays, but this year I am going to try to simply celebrate having a new life.
95. Thanksgiving is my least hated holiday.
96. I have three piercings, the third one was a gift to myself for my 35th birthday. It was the most liberating thing I have ever done and I have pictures to prove it.
97. I'm looking back over this list and thinking that I am not very interesting at all.
98. I don't want to be alone, but I know that I can.
99. I was afraid of being alone, but I'm not anymore.
100. If you stayed through the end of this list, I appreciate it- and hope you leave this Attention Whore a comment.

Monday, November 13, 2006

My birthday...

So I'm 35. Thirty five.

Thirty five feels older than 34 did. I never felt like, "I'm getting old" before- not in any real sense. Birthdays would come and go and I'd still feel like I was still young. I don't feel so young anymore. I see people who I see as 'older'- and am a year or two older than they are.

But there are some things I have learned about myself that makes my age worth it I guess. I think I come equipped with some life wisdom. Just because my life is sometimes still a mess, it doesn't mean that I don't know a thing or two. So at least I am not a 'stupid' 35- contrary to popular belief. I think I still give off the persona that I am looking for answers. I'm not. I don't want the answers anymore. People rarely learn from the mistakes of others. And many people make the same mistakes. It's just the way life is.

My husband and I seem to be getting along pretty well these days. His distance makes all the difference in the world. Just seeing him evey few weeks, I find him funny and charming and even kinda cute. It's good for the boys to see us get along. It's also important for us too. I don't want to feel that I wasted these last 7 years. I think I heard Dr. Phil say once that if you split up and you can't even have a conversation, that you still have so much unfinished business together. We don't have any unfinished business. Just children, but that's not business, that's family. And I'd like to think that we will always be somewhat of a family.

For my birthday I went out and had some drinks with some friends from work. That was a fun evening, complete with me drunk and disrobing... don't ask. On Sunday I went out to dinner with my siblings who I also share a birthday weekend with and my brother Rick, who is home from Iraq. That was really the best thing that could have happened for my birthday. To have him home safe and back with the ones he loves- that is what matters. That's family.

Welcome home, Rick.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

50,000 words.....

My dear and best friend is doing this thing for National Novel Writing Month where you crank out 50,000 words in 30 days. It doesn't have to be GOOD- or gramatically correct, but the idea, I guess is that once you put 50,000 words down, well- you've done SOMETHING that you may have not completed or even strived for. He mentioned it to me about 3 days ago. He sent me the web link 2 days ago and it's been milling in my inbox. Sitting and freaking me out, much like the dead bug in the kitchen. The must have come in and treated my house bugs, cause I keep finding these fuckers- on thier back- just in the middle of nowhere- struggling to flip over or something. So I spray them with bug cleaner and give them some time to die. Usually forgetting they are there and 30 minutes later, I go back and it scared the hell out of me that I have a dead bug in the middle of the floor. Oh right- THAT. These are the things having a husband was good for.

Anyway- 50K words. If I started TOMORROW- I'd have 22 days and that's 2300 words a day. My last essay was 1800. I could write 2300 words in a day. But every day for 22 days? Oh I don't know. It would feel good. It would feel fucking great really- to have something to focus on, somewhere to place my mental energy. I wish I had known about it sooner, but then I would have simply mulled over it and talked myself out of it for reasons other than the missing 8 days. Well I have until tomorrow to think about it.

What would I write about. Lately I've been writing a lot of personal stuff, stuff I don't share with those I know and love. But this is a fiction thing. It's not a contest really, other than being acknowledged as someone who finished it. It seems like about 15% of the people who sign up actually finish- so even if I didn't finish, it would still be something.

The postitive is that I was thinking about giving up sex for a month. Parter and solo. All of it. I was thinking that perhaps it would clear my head- help me focus more. Keep me away from men, and all the shit that screws with my head. Those of you who know me should probably stop laughing so people think you are working, or at least keep it down so you don't wake up the kids. Yes, I was thinking of giving up sex. Not just sex, but the things, and people that keep sex on my brain. Focus on me and school and the kids and taking care of my house and going on complete hiatus from men and the whole god forsaken scenario. But like choclate or sugary cereal, as soon as I can't have it- I crave it. It goes on sale and everyone is offering me some.

But I admit, I have been stuck. Feeling emotionally drained, apathetic and disconnected. From school, my kids, my job- everything. I thought I should channel some energy and perhaps I would feel better. Of course I am dozing off sitting here at the computer. My energy is channeling just fine and I bore MYSELF.... but if I DID decide to do this, then I could give up the crazy no-sex option. Really, it's a stupid idea and I'd cave.

Anyway- I wanted to finish a blog post- I have 4 of them saved as drafts, unfinished. I can't complete a blog post lately- 50,000 words in 22 days. I think it might be easier to give up the sex.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Some pics of me and the boys





We were having fun being silly with the camera!!!
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!!!!