post Christmas

hey look- two days in a row. I know how proud you all are.

So yesterday my husband asked me, "So how long are we going to keep the tree up?"

This is a debate we have every year. It's my job to take the decorations and lights down and personally, I like it up. I still turn the lights on at night. It's festive and pretty and even if it isn't Christmas anymore- it still makes me feel good to have it up a little while longer.

So how long is too long??

Good sense tells me after the first of the year I can take it down and feel like it's been properly enjoyed. Last year, I want to say it stayed up until February but I could be wrong. I think I will leave it up until maybe the week of the 4th. Definitely before I leave for Boston on the 14th.

Yes, Boston... in January. Do I have clothes for that?? um noooooooo. I have a few scarves- and I have gloves, somewhere. a few pairs of gloves... somewhere. A coat? yeah, no coat. Do I have long underwear? no.

boots? no.

a hat? well, I don't do hats- my hair does not accommodate a hat, so I'll figure that out.

I was at Walmart the other day and I saw those little hand warmer things you can put in your pockets. I think I'm going to buy some to tuck in my bra.

not even a good excuse.

Geez- remember when I had a blog here?? What a lazy monkey I am!!!

So instead of recapping what happened in the past 30 days of the life of Julie, I'm just gonna move forward and try to be a better blogger.

Christmas was nice and man I'm glad it's over. That is now TWO holidays in a row that I did not spend with my family. I really didn't like THAT part. It doesn't FEEL like Christmas with out my Tante Syl's fudge or my sisters Christmas potatoes. Of course the chili cheese dogs we had from weinerschitzel for Christmas dinner- WERE really good.

It doesn't feel like Christmas without my siblings. I did see them last weekend at a holiday party my brother threw and I went last minute.

I'm not sure why I still resist having fun.

We had a great time, good food and lots of fun. Oh and good food. My favorite part of the holidays is the food.

because it's not like So I hope that you and yours had a wonderful holiday. I will try to be more present here cause it's now like I don't have things to say.... I always have SOMETHING to say.

Gratitude List

and it's really not that I haven't been grateful- I've just been busy!!

Happy Thanksgiving.

But I am grateful for a great many things right now. And in true Thanksgiving fashion- I will make a gratitude list:

• I'm grateful that while I'm seriously broke, I have just enough.
• I'm grateful that I feel like my life has some direction right now. The path is blurry and hidden within the trees, but it's there.
• I'm always grateful for another day that my husband doesn't drink
• I'm grateful that my children are healthy
• I'm grateful for my family, who is always just a phone call away
• I'm grateful for new friends, old friends and 'special' friends.
• I'm grateful for my parents. I really don't know WHAT I'd do without them and I hate knowing that someday I will have to find out.
• I'm grateful that while I lost my best friend this year, I also learned a very important lesson:

Life is short. It's not always pretty and it's rarely easy. I made Christine a promise in those last moments I spent with her, that I would not waste my life trapped in a life I didn't want. I promised her that I would take care of myself and my sons. I would live and love and trust people because while there are some that are bad- believing the best in people is what will save my soul. And sometimes believing the best, is what brings out the best. She believed the best in me.

Sometimes all you need is someone to believe in you to make all the difference. I'm grateful for the people who believe in me.

Grateful Day 2

I know that it's not perfect. It's not even always good... but every day I am thankful and grateful that Michael doesn't drink anymore.

Dr. Bob and Bill W.

(I know I missed a day... I suck at everyday blogging right now.) Take it as it comes.

Thankful- day 1

Today I'm thankful for my friends. I'm very lucky to have a circle of open minded friends who accept me for who I am.



The horny slut who loves girl porn (and anal).

Sex Work Awareness

I didn't want to post nothing, Trixie!!

But here's something. I'm leaving for NY tonight. I'm excited and I'm mostly packed. I gotta get some last minute things together and I'm headed for the airport. I'm stayin in Williamsburg with friends for the 2nd annual New York Sex Blogger Calendar Launch Party where my friends will be. A lot of kinky, sex-positive, deviants will converge in NYC to raise money for Sex Work Awareness.

For those of you who are wondering about SWA: look at the link. It's not exactly prostitution as we see it on TV. I think sex work has it's place in society, and it's unfortunate that there is so much negative stigma and violence that surrounds it.

November 1- already?

I'm going to try to post something daily. It's good for me to write. The past 8 weeks I've been sucked into the worst finance class ever. It was good to know that EVERYONE was frustrated and did poorly in this class, I'm not just stupid.

My birthday is coming up. I'm going to be 38. Holy fuck. It's strange, getting older. The reminders are harsh and usually shameful. I'm reminded when I find myself noticing boys that are too young for me. I'm reminded when TV shows like 90210 are ridiculous to me. I'm reminded when I pick up Womans Day magazine and not Self.

I'm not afraid of getting older. i'm excited about moving forward.

I'm headed to NYC for the New York City Sex Bloggers Calendar Launch Party. It'll be great to see my friends, and see the city. I hope the weather holds up.

Ok- I'm going to try to post more, but first, I'm going to try to have something to write about!! I won't ramble nonsense. I hate that.

Stuff I'd like to see/ do on this trip.

Brooklyn Bridge

Empire State Building

Staten Island Ferry/ Statue of Liberty

James Farley Post Office

Really, that's not much.

at a loss

In about a week, it will be 4 months. 4 months since Christine died.

It's been a long and hard 4 months. Nothing feels the same anymore. I've made some big decisions in my life and done a lot of soul searching. A lot of thinking about how I want to live my life, and how I promised myself in her death that I would live better.

A few weeks ago I talked to her mom. It took me several months to make the call- and in hearing her mom's voice, just hearing her smile and how genuinely pleased she was that I called, it tore open any healing I may have done. It's ok, there's hasn't been much. We shared some funny stories and it was nice to know that my funny stories about Christine, she had also shared with her family. It was comforting to me to know, and to hear it from someone else that I meant as much to her as she did to me.

As adults, and especially as colleagues, we are sometimes hesitant to express our emotions and how much we truly care for each other. At my old office, there was one department who would hug at the end of the day when they all walked out together. I experienced this just a few times, and even though I hugged with the group, I admit I drove away thinking how strange it was. It's just the end of the work day. What were we hugging for?? Now, I think maybe they knew what so many others didn't. That when you're friends, and EVEN when you're colleagues it's important to openly appreciate other people. I sometimes wonder if she knew how much
I appreciated her. I know that I didn't tell her often enough.

I think about her all the time. Very few things happen that I don't wonder what she'd think about that. I'm on the verge of making a big change and I keep running it over and over in my head because I can't tell her about it. I won't get her famous, "well... wait a minute." Which she always did whenever I was doing anything I might regret. She always saw something different, she never 'didn't consider' anything.

Maybe it's because I so badly need her advice and support right now, or maybe it's because so many of my favorite TV shows deal with cancer.. but she's always on my mind it seems. There's always this heavy weight that I feel and I know it's because I miss her. Sometimes- something will cross my mind and I will thing to call her. Sometimes I even reach for the phone. It's then that I wonder, did I forget? Did I forget that she's gone and is that why I want to talk to her because I stopped thinking about her? How did I stop thinking about her? How did I forget that she's dead?

I am so out of sorts. So disconnected from my own life. Distracted, depressed and angry. I move forward because I have to, but it's with little passion, little conviction. Nothing feels as good as it used to, and I don't laugh without feeling just a little guilty about it.

Is anything ever going to feel normal again?

I was watching Waiting to Exhale this morning. It's funny how the years go by and I relate to different characters in the books I loved in my 20's. Back in my very early 20's- I was Robin, the one who kept meeting the wrong men and making excuses. Now, I think I'm more Bernadine.

"I thought that if I gave him what needed, he'd give me what I need."

Yeah, I don't think that anymore. Now it's more like, "I hope if I give him what he needs- he'll stay out of my way."

Nobody seems to understand my decisions and that's fine. A friend of mine said, "Oh you're never going to leave him."

I said, "Now why would you go and say something like that? That's just mean."

What did I ever do to that guy???

Put it in your pantry with your cupcakes

I know, where the hell have a I been right? Well, this Financial Management class is kicking my ass. I'm not sure if I'm going to have to retake it, or if as long as I can pull a C, I will be saved by my cumulative GPA. Either way, it sucks outloud. It's essentially over on Tuesday... and I am going to spend most of the next three days getting my project and done. Part of me wants to just say fuck it, I'm going to have to retake this anyway, why go through this headache? But, I'm almost done, and there's a chance I can pass with a C.

Wish me luck and I hope I'll be back more next month.

I'm not ready to start spilling about some of the things I have planned. Big decisions and big changes and I don't want to jinx anything by claiming that things are happening. I can just say that things are falling into place in a way that makes me feel that my decisions are good. I'm not sure how to feel about that, probably because it's so rare that I make a good decision I just don't trust it.

But you'll know soon enough, cause we all know I don't keep my mouth shut.

In the mean time, look at this picture of my new kitty.

Someday

I love this song, and this video.

You can go, you can start all over again
You could try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide, hold all your feelings inside
You could try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry

And maybe someday we'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
And try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday

Things to come

Its funny how fast things can change. How sometimes one little thing happens that sort of changes everything. I said recently on Facebook, something about how at any instant your life can change so drastically, but when it does change- it usually isn't something good. It's usually because you get hit by a bus, or have a stroke or get caught up in an embezzlement/ sex scandal.

Sometimes maybe you win the lottery... ok, sometimes it can be instant and good. But you hear about the bad things more often.

So now there's some planning in the works. Changes. I wish they were good things like winning the lottery- but of course it's not.

Nothing ever happens quickly in my life. I'm not a 'fast mover' when it comes to big decisions. It doesn't suit me. I want to keep blogging- but I may clean it up a bit... maybe.

slight return of Half Nekkid Thursdays

I haven't been half Nekkid here in a while. I've been kind of distant and distracted and life really feels like it kind of sucks right now- it doesn't, it just FEELS like it.

Today I got a flu shot that left my arm feeling bruised and I found out that I current have just under $600 in parking tickets. Yes, you heard me....

SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS

So you can guess the mood I'm in.



Here's to a better Thursday, Wednesday can fuck off.

perspective

Mike suggested I go back to therapy. Maybe I do need to get back into therapy. I can hear my friends- and Christine from the other side saying... yes yes yes you do.

It's not that don't BELIEVE in therapy, because I do. I was in therapy for a long time after my first divorce... and when Michael and I were first married. Then there was the years in Al-Anon. I acknowledge the importance of therapy and I am not ABOVE getting professional help.

I just don't have the time or the money or the energy that it takes. When the cash flow gets low, I am the first to give up the things I "need". I quote "need" because really- what do I NEED? I had a conversation with a coworker the other day in which she said, you know- "When I came to work today- most of my 'needs' were met" and she referenced the chart below. I take a look at this today- and I think... you know, maybe it's not all so bad. Other than a general fear of death, disease and bankruptcy... I think I'm ok.

I am healthy, I have coffee and a banana for breakfast and I'm bringing lunch to work today. Rent is paid, my kids are safe. I have friends and famly- and while the sexual/intimacy thing is not PERFECT, it could sure be worse. My esteem is pretty well in check and to be honest I think I as far as self-actualization goes... well, I'm not too far from where I can possible be at this point in my life.

Maybe what I need to do is look at this list every day- and realize that it's not all so bad. Many people have less. I am not depressed. I'm just anxious. Jumpy and a bit restless. The upcoming separation weighs as heavily upon me as it is also a rock in my shoe. I worry about how it will effect the things I need. How it will effect my feelings of safety and love, how it will effect my children.

But then, it's just time passing. He and I both knew that this was bound to happen eventually and we are both in agreement that it SHOULD happen. There's sadness, but relief for both of us. I believe that.

So while maybe it would help me to talk to someone about my 'feelings' and perhaps attempt to salvage whatever heart I may have left before I walk out of this marriage more jaded that I already am.... another part of me feels that it's just not something I need right now. I'm tearing my family apart, I think maybe I can set my "wants" aside for a little while. Maybe I'm all used up on that right now.

living vicariously through someone elses travels

So ThePunkGuy went to Australia. I swear, he travels for pleasure more than anyone I know. Since he knows how greedy I am for pictures and stories of his travels, he has shared some with me since he can't seem to get them to post on his blog. If you click them, they will open up huge, but the ones at the end are really worth seeing so big!!

If you get a change, read some of his great commentary Thanks tpg.



Sydney Opera House


natalie portman as the virgin mary. (maybe)


the harbor bridge from the water (hahh bahhh bridge)


Strip club in kings cross (backroom cruise area???)


Did the locals drink him under the table??


Sugar kane on fire in Cairns


Cairns, hungover from the port at 7am


Great Barrier Reef (I don't think this is thePunkGuy because I don't think he would wear that shirt... and really, water isn't his 'thing' based on his inner tubing incident in Hawaii...)


Cairns, by god


Great Barrier Reef from the sky


Sydney from the sky


Bonde Beach



Bronte Beach

all pictures taken by Kristian Sorge

today...

I suspect that all the blogs today are talking about it. So I won't talk about it- cause we know. I'll pay my respects by letting us all acknowledge in our own ways.

The only thing I will say is that there is no place else in the world I would rather be today (or any day really) than in New York City.

oh brother...

Gabriel said to Daniel today (in the middle of singing 'Beat It')...

"Danny? Do you know what a macho man is? It's someone who is really strong and gets to hang out with all the girls."

you know, if your big brother doesn't teach you these things- who will??

1, 7, 30, 2009

Places I want to go:
Today: anywhere but here
This week: LA to see a friend
This month: Vegas to see a few friends
This year: New York to see MORE friends

Things I want to avoid:
Today: Confrontation
This Week: Bouncing the rent check
This Month: A big fight with my husband
This Year: Huge car expenses

What I WANT to do:
Today: Buy an extender for my corset
This week: Go out with friends
This month: Take a trip somewhere, alone.
This year: "File"

Things I NEED to do:
Today: Laundry
This week: Go to the gym
This month: Get new tires
This year: "File"

Things I WILL do:
Today: Go to Target
This week: Start new class

In reality: I can't see much farther than this week. I know better.

When nothing changes, nothing changes...

(just ranting)

I know this and have known it for a long time.

Earlier this year my husband and I decided to split up. I don't know why this is so complicated. We've played house, and played nice for a long time and our original plan was that he'd be moved out by September.

Well here it is- and nothing has changed. The only difference is that I've changed. I can see this relationship in it's entirety. I know it's over. I really think that he knows it's over. We are just biding time. Tying up loose ends. Making things works. Playing nice. Looking back on 10 years, I know I did my best- but somethings just need to end. This marriage was bound to fail and I know why. He wasn't strong enough, I tried to be strong for the both of us. I still try- and I'm still not.

Now it's over. I want to get on with my life. I need to stop the enabling, I need to end this facade because I'm not even trying anymore. We are as nice to each other as strangers or roomates. Maybe a little nicer- but in general, it's over. So over. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know this. You know what's happened, and this is nothing new.

It's not just me. He knows its over. He doesn't want to be with me either. Sometimes though, the past comes back to haunt you. Mistakes you make in the past keep you from having a future. I see this now. Nothing comes without a cost. I know that I haven't always made the right choices, but I'm trying. I'm trying to move on, have a life and just get on with it. I want to do what's best for all of us. I used to think that splitting up was ONLY good for me- but I realize that it's what's best for everyone. For me, the boys and especially Mike. It's hard though. It's uncomfortable.

It's expensive.

The next phase will come at a high cost to everyone. I know this- but I have to trust that it will be better for everyone in the end. There's no reward without sacrifice. Who said that?

(end rant)

HNT- it's funny AND sexy

I have a love/hate relationship with lingerie. HNT is more fun now that I get all sorts of free sexy things to show off. It's kinda cool to know that the fat girls can be hot too.

So Mike helps me most every week, taking pictures and getting me in and out of these "contraptions." Sometimes it's really easy and sometimes it's a complete clusterfuck. Tonight was somewhere in between.

It's a bustier, not a corset. We fiddled with the laces to get it to fit (almost) right and tie right- then we realized there is a fucking zipper!! Of course, with the lace set right, we couldn't get it zipped up. So it went over my head, we shimmied it over my boobs and into place, then we retightened the laces. Sounds easy, but you know, I'm a big girl. It was like, well... getting a big girl into a bustier!! We were hilarious laughing about getting it on me. It just wasn't the sexiest moment in the world, but he and I have so few laughs... it was nice to have this one.

Oh yeah- and once I got it on... well, damn.

Thanks Mike for your help!!

Happy HNT everyone!! Go ahead, get Half Nekkid- you know you want to!!

Bring it on, Academia!

Like most parents across the country, I am pretty happy this time of year. A sigh of relief is waiting for me just on the other side.

Tomorrow is the first day of school.

Finally. The kids will be back to a regular schedule, gone for most of the day- learning, running around. Recess. Lunch at school.

It's so hella expensive during the summer. Entertaining them, and feeding three kids, three meals a day is emotionally taxing. Usually my kids eat breakfast at my moms and lunch at school. I save a lot of my food bill. This summer practically killed me.

So tomorrow Daniel starts kindergerten, Gabriel starts 1st grade and Alex is going high school. Not the high school that I went to, sadly, but the one that my sibs went to. It wasn't a rival high school really. It's weird that he's going to high school. It means that in more years, he's done with high school and he'll be driving and going to college, and damn I still have a hard time getting that kid to remember to wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom. Surely he's not ready to go to college right??

Ritalin- Day 4

I started Daniel on it twice a day today so I could see what it does- rather than have Michael tell me, considering that he forgot to give it to him on Friday.

(notes I jotted down)

Given at 7:45 after breakfast. He seemed to be having fun with Gabriel. Playing on the computer, he was a bit moody- talkative. Fussing with Gabriel about toys. Playing with his toys, watching TV. Talkative.

Given at 11:40 after lunch. Sat down with me to watch Tom and Jerry. Playing with Power Rangers at same time. Talking a LOT. Pacing the room with his toys, not paying too much attention to the TV. Wants to play Club Penguin. Set him up, a little fuss in the waiting.

-

So ok- nothing spectacular really. The magic though, is what happened after 5:30. Holy crap. It was like a light switch. You don't notice anything special when he's ON the meds, but when it wears off- that's when you notice. At 6PM, he was all "Danny" again. He was sort of all over. Getting really riled up, yelling a lot. Doing several things at once. The 'motor' was running. He even TALKED faster and you couldn't hear what he was saying.

The morning was like the rare times when Danny was having a good day at home. The evening is the way he usually is most days. Seeing the difference makes me wonder if he wouldn't benefit from something long lasting that works into the evenings, or maybe just a third pill. It's a small dosage, only 5 mg. It just seems to slow him down, not to a level that he is is sedated. Far from it. However, it's to a level where he can focus on one thing at a time, and be less frustrated with himself and everyone else.

Hmmm. Something to discuss with his doctor.

Ritalin- Day 3

I gave Daniel his pill today after lunch. I put the pill in his mouth and gave him some water, he seems to have the concept down of swallowing it without chewing.

He played at the computer for a few hours with no fuss. Didn't complain about a headache or stomach ache or anything. He was pretty quiet and was able to stop playing the game to go to the bathroom, or have some water. It was all pretty simple.

Around 4, he fell asleep on his bed for about 45 minutes and at 5 he had that melt down I mentioned. He ate dinner, something new, with much LESS fuss than usual.

In the evening he seemed back to his old self and got in trouble before bed.

Things I've noticed:

He is less talkative.

He is a little moody.

So far no problems eating. (He takes his pill after meals)

No problems sleeping

Tomorrow we will put him on two pills a day and see how that goes.

Brothers

This is how it is with brothers.

Daniel wanted Gabriel's toy and was crying because he doesn't like to share his toys. He was crying and throwing quite a fit about it really which sucks. I tried explaining that he has to share but you know, he's 5 and still very immature.

Daniel crying. Gabriel is saying, "No, I'm playing with it. It's my turn."

Both Mike and I go in individually to tell Daniel to stop screaming. It's Gabe's turn, find something else. Just deal. Gabriel was watching TV and really just 'holding' the stupid Power Ranger, but that's not the point. I wanted to just make Gabriel give it to him, because... why does everything have to cause so much drama, right? However Daniel can't just throw a fit like that when he doesn't get what he wants.

Then, Alex decided to get off the computer and went into the bedroom and said, "Gabriel the computer's all yours."

Gabriel threw the toy to Daniel.
Everyone is happy.

Thanks Alex.

Think for yourself

Alex never wanted my constant approval. He didn't really want me to do everything for him, when it came to games, toys, things like that. He often whined when he couldn't do things well, but he was really impatient when he was learning things. He could often see it once and then do it himself. This doesn't mean he did everything well, he was often too impulsive and impatient. As kids go, however, he was rarely needy.

He was never very clingy. He was too busy for that. Gabriel is very different. He is needy.

All the boys love attention and want accolades for being able to put thier pants on right, that's true for all men. All my boys adore me and know that I love them for the knuckleheads that they are. I hope that they will grow up to be good men who can handle thier shit. That's my job. To raise boys to be men who will one day leave the nest and build nests of thier own. Alex and Daniel, I can see already are too fast to be anything but independent as soon as they have jobs to get the hell out of here. Barring something catastrophic, I think those two will always be go go go.

Gabriel puzzles me. He is not very independent. He needs feedback, constantly and I worry that he is not an independent thinker. Every day he asks us to make choices for him. "Who do you want me to be?" (in his imaginary play). Ironman or Superman? Bumblebee or Megatron? Green Lantern or The Flash?

Really- do I care? No... I don't care. You go be whoever you wanna be in your own little Gabriel head.

Which toy should I play with?
Who do you think my favorite super hero should be?

Then there's the clinginess. He can't sleep. He claims he has nightmares- but really he just wakes up in the middle of the night and feels that a 'nightmare' will get my attention faster. He manipulates his father to sitting up with him night after night until I finally said No More. Last night he called me from his room and said, "Mom I had a nightmare!"

I told him to turn his pillow over and go back to sleep. Done.

He doesn't need help doing most things, but he asks for help anyway. It makes me a little nuts. He will go outside, play with friends and be gone for hours, which is good- but it makes me wonder if, when he's with his friends, he also always waits for others to make decisions for him. He's sensitive, almost too sensitive really and while it's not 'concerning' - it's hard to be as sarcastic as I am, without constantly hurting this kids feelings.

Last weekend he was swimming at my mom's. He had one a mask, like a snorkeling mask because he's also one of those kids who can't bear to get chlorine in his eyes....

ok- and what's up with that?? I mean- I used to have to open my eyes underwater and look around all blurry. Is he just too precious that he can't do that? He won't swim without goggles now. Irritating. Oh and it's also semi-ridiculous!

back to the story...

He had a snorkel type mask on and he was going up and down in the water, really slow, watching the view change as he went under. So I laughed. It looked kinda cute and funny. I told him he was silly.

He started to cry.
He got out of the pool and went crying to his dad. "Mom was making fun of me!!"

Mike came to me and asked me why I was being mean to Gabriel. Ummmm, what?? He said I was making fun of Gabriel in the pool.

Oh for fucks sake are you kidding me??

I told Mike what happened, and while he sided with Gabriel because whatever I had done had clearly upset him and maybe I should apologize.

Or MAYBE... just maybe, Gabriel should toughen up a little so that people can laugh when he's doing something funny and not be such a Sally about it. He was laughing while he did it. No, I will not apologize. Grow a pair, kid.

Yeah Yeah, say what you will. Mean Mommy. Bad Julie.
Nobody benefits from a kid who's a pussy.

Don't even get me started on Dogs.

Ritalin- Day 2

It's day two and Daniel took his pill just fine as I was told.

He got it today late, as Mike who called me at 7AM to ask about them, promptly forgot to give them to him. So Daniel took his pill at 3PM. No matter these first few days.

He complained of a little stomach ache, but he ate dinner with no problem. He was kind of tired. He seemed quieter, but it could have been the time of day. He simply seemed tired and a little bit moody, that equals quiet.

At 7:30, almost like a switch, he 'woke up'. He was running and playing and being silly. Being Danny. Interesting that it was 4 1/2 hours after he took his pill. He will have some side effects for a week or so... but at least we know they only last 4.5 hours at a time.

I was having coffee with a dear friend of mine last night and I was telling her that while I know this will help Danny, and it will help the whole family, I'm a little sad. While sometimes it's frustrating- I just hope that these meds don't take away the essence that is that sweet little baby. Danny is particularly special to me, and his charming funny personality brightens my day more than anything else. I don't want to take that away. I hope that this doesn't.

Excuses why I won't work out

Reasons why I will try to talk myself out of going to the gym.

1) I plan on drinking all day.
2) It's too early.
3) It's too late.
4) Mike needs my help with the kids.
5) We promised to take the kids swimming.
6) My knee is hurting and oh.. would you look at that, I'm out of ibuprofen.
7) I'm monitoring Daniels ritalin intake and I can't leave him.
8) I watching the NCIS Marathon and theres one I haven't seen yet.
9) I have nothing to wear and I can't go to the gym looking fat.
10) I'm haven't jerked off in over a week and there's nobody in the house.
11) I finally jerked off and I have to write the review on the toy.
12) I have porn I need to watch.
13) The kids room needs cleaning
14) A tornado is on it's way and we need to take cover.
15) My car is overheating.
16) My sports bra gives me that one big uniboob and I hate that.
17) My shoes do not have backs to them and I'm afraid they will go flying off my feet and it will cause a tragic recumbent bike accident.
18) I have developed a third pimple on my face, creating the bermuda triangle on my face and I'm too embarrassed to go out in public.
19) I have passed out in the grocery store and I'm in the Emergency Room.
20) I am making cookies instead.

Ok so I think now that THAT is out of my system. I have a some good reasons that I must go to the gym.

1) My blood pressure is 'troublesome'. My doctor said that if I'm NOT going to exercise I have to take meds.
2) The meds make my skin break out (see #18 above)
3) The meds kill my sex drive (see #10)
4) Someone my age had a stroke this week.

Yes, I'm going. I will soon have clear skin, a healthy sex drive, and lower blood pressure. Who knows, maybe I'll lose a pound or two while I'm at it.

Ritalin- Day 1

So this morning I took Daniel for his trip to a psychiatrist, after a few visits to a psychologist and then his primary doctor. All are agreed that just a little touch of medicine might make it a little easier for him and the rest of us. I feel like he's young for it, but Alex had it and I see it in Daniel already.

I've done a lot of research on ADHD and on the medications vs. therapies etc. Right now I'm going a small dose of ritalin twice a day and see how that does. So far we got through the first hurdle which was him swallowing a pill.

I'm a fast thinker. I dropped the pill into his mouth and then shot water (via plastic water bottle) down his throat. He didn't know what hit him.

So far, no stomach aches, headaches nausea, nervousness or decreased appetite.
Thats a good sign. We're going with just one pill thru the weekend and starting with two pills on Monday so he'll have it in his system when school starts and we'll see how it goes.

The pills only last about 4-5 hours, so we may increase it so he'll have some in his system in the evenings, but at this point it's more about getting him through his school day and homework time.

I'm hopeful that this will help him- and the rest of us a bit too. It was easier with Alex because he was the only kid at home most of the time. It's harder now, even though Daniel's ADHD is less severe than Alex's- but 2/3 kids with ADHD in a small apartment is a good reason why mommy takes Xanax.

What I wanted to wear to the reunion

I made a lot of jokes about wearing corset and jeans to the reunion.

click for color

Ok, How much do I rock this shit??
Who the hell ever thought someone would want to put me in lingerie- but you know, the big girls want to feel sexy sometimes too. It's shiny and smooth and hells yes it's stretchy!!!

It has a skirt or hot pants that go with it, but you know... I'm daring, I'm not fucking delusional!!

Are you getting Half Nekkid today??

My ass is bigger than my motivation

Ok really, I gotta get my ass back to the gym. My reasons are simple and go beyond the size of my ass.

a) I'm tired all the time- even when I AM getting enough sleep.

b) I'm starting to get the daily headaches again which means my blood pressure is going back up. I agreed with my doctor that I would not have to take meds if I exercise, right now I'm not doing either.

c) The size of my ass... look I can't deny it!

d) I'm paying for a gym membership

e) I know that I CAN work-in 30-40 minutes, 5 days a week.

So fuck... I gotta do it. I gotta exercise, you know, blood pressure down, cholesterol stuff... you know all that healthy choice shit. I know.

So ummmm- Saturday. I will start back on Saturday.

fuck...

The 20 Year reunion- or I think I'm too old for this!!

So I went to the reunion on Friday night. All decked out in my hot black dress. Oh, Ok- so here's the rundown on my outfit

Dress: $29
Shoes $20
Bra: $51 (I bought two)
Spanx $28

Yeah, Spanx are some fucking evil magic. Evil because it took me several minutes to put those fuckers on. I was breaking a sweat just getting them over my ass so the crotch wasn't at my knees. Magic, because once I had them on, damn... I swear about 4-5 inches around just disappeared. Bam- just like that!!

So I showed up, cleavage in full swing. I twitter my cleavage to my friends who promptly encouraged me to 'go get em'. That's the thing about twitter, they are my people. I arrived and went up to see some friends who were staying in the hotel. I was greeted with big smiles, open arms, and a drink. Hells yes!!

Another friend arrived so I left the room and went downstairs to meet her, ran into a guy from HS who I crushed on and tongue kissed at graduation. Yeah... I did that. Jim Rupe. I fucking rule. I didn't tongue kiss him there- but I hugged him damn tight because I've been myspace and facebook friends with him for quite some time now, a few years I guess.

Getting upstairs, I admit I was a bit overwhelmed. First off, the had to write my maiden name on my name tag. Jeez, thanks. After misspelling it once... no shit, I said, "Really, that was two husbands ago!"

SO many faces and SO many people. A lot of faces I knew and I hugged almost everyone I was able to. Also a lot of people I didn't know. I laughed with a lot of people about the question, what if you see someone and you realize you DIDN'T know them? Do you keep moving? Introduce yourself?

One girl knew me- man did she know me. I knew her name. But holy fuck I could not remember if we were friends. Based on how excited she was to see me, either we were really good friends- or she was REALLY drunk. Regardless, her excitement made me hug her and talk to her as if I knew her. I'm always excited when people are excited over me. Obviously.

What I loved the most, is that I truly feel like the bullshit is over. People I didn't know, or who I thought didn't like me, or who I maybe wasn't very fond of (because I thought they didn't like me) smiled, names were yelled. There was a lot of screaming. Very tight hugs. It felt fucking great.

The music was almost all 80's and my god it was fucking loud! My throat was sore from the screaming, but the Captain Morgan's helped with that. Often we would stand outside of the ballroom so we could talk without screaming. A few guys and I laughed about how maybe we're just too old for music THIS loud.

A lot of people also said, "I LOVE your facebook updates" or "I LOVE your bl0g- you are so awesome." My response was mostly, "really?" and that's because alot of you bitches don't ever say anything. You know- throw me a comment now and again. My ego doesn't work if you don't stroke it. (insert dirty joke here)

I drank, a lot. I danced a little. Many pictures. A lot of catching up. It was a great night and I hope that some friendships were renewed. My 9th grade boyfriend was there. We joked about how we made out in 9th grade. He had the cool Swatch Watches, and how I cut my lip on his braces on our first kiss. People asked about Mike, and I think I did my best to send his best and explain his health without going on and on about it in a way he would have hated. I laughed with the single guys about how they get to bang younger girls- and how I'd probably do the same if I was single again. You know, the bang younger girls part. What the fuck, right?

Oh there were a lot of stories, a lot of fun things happened, and I can't share them all because it wasn't just MY reunion. If you are reading this, and you have a story to tell, damn, tell it!!
--

I left around 1:30. I swore that I was good enough to drive home. I really thought I was. Once I got HOME I was no longer good enough to drive!! Bad Julie. I'm not making light of it.
Ok, well, maybe I am- but I shouldn't, because I admit it was stupid. I didn't HAVE to drive home. I could have crashed there. I should have done that.

When I woke up the next morning, you'd think that I got more than just drunk, lemme tell you. I woke up in the morning, naked... with a trail from the door to the bedroom. shoes, purse, dress, bra, nylons... All strewn about like I had a 24 year old with me or something. I remember when I got home, I had to pee- so I guess that is what that was all about and I think I was too drunk to get dressed again. When I woke up, my contacts were stuck to my eyes and my eye make up was down my cheek. I look like I got sad clowned.

I was still drunk until about 4AM, and hung over ALL FUCKING DAY. Oh it was a sad state of affairs, but I was glad that many many people were also suffering from the hangover down memory lane. I ran errands, sipped some coffee... and slept. A LOT.

Yeah, I'm too old to drink THAT much. I just can't power down Captain and Coke, and a shot of tequila (thanks Tiffany!) and expect NOT to be begging to throw up later. While I was laying on the bathroom floor, I considered never drinking again.

OK, well I won't get crazy...

Watch out Here I Come....

All I know is that to me

You look like you're lots of fun

Open up your lovin arms

Watch out Here I Come.

So tonight is my 20 year reunion and I admit that I'm excited about it because it should be a fun evening, and I'm sad because Mike isn't coming with me. I really think he would have had a good time and this would be a ncie way to sort of book end our time together.

I will spend a lot of this evening fielding questions about where he is. It will know what it's like for Hillary.

You know, it's not all about Mike, ok??

There are a handful of people that are not going to be there- that I really wish WERE. My BFF Carrie who flat out refused for reasons that I just don't agree with. Hell I'm bigger than she is!!!

But I got my nails done in a fantastic slutty red acrylic, circa 1989. They are trashy-fantastic! Trashtastic! I also went to Lane Bryant yesterday, which is the Holy Grail of Bra's for big girls. She measured me and put me in the RIGHT size bra. I have told my friends that my boobs will arrive 45 seconds before I do.

It should be fun- I admit I'm excited to hang out and party with my friends. I insist that in 2o years, my high school hangups are over. I have a whole new set of them now!!

careful and creative financing

Some days I really think my grown-up card needs to be revoked. I still cannot balance a checkbook to save my damn life. I don't even try anymore really. My checking account is managed in a excel spreadsheet that shows the few times a month money goes in, and ALL the times the money goes out. It doesn't help me balance anything, but tells me basically how broke I'm going to be later.

Through the beauty of my obsessive nature I can set it up for MONTHS in advance. It's depressing when spending money today tells me I'm going to have no money in 5 WEEKS. Fuck me. My paychecks don't waiver, and ever 4 months I get my financial aid money. Usually there are a few more checks that come in from dildo sales etc., and that's always nice. In general though- I can pretty much see what I've got so I can plan ahead. I use my financial aid money to make up for what lacks. What comes in goes right back out before food and travel. So I budget by taking my funding, mentally dividing it by 4 and planning to have enough until the next funding.

That being said, I'm weeks away from my next financial aid funding and a broke ass bitch. While I always have the best INTENTIONS in my so-called budgeting, what I REALLY do is spend a LOT in the first few weeks- getting caught up on any late utility bills. Paying back any money I may have borrowed and usually something relating to my car, like tires or a water pump. THEN I load the house with a lot of food. Get my nails done or a hair cut. A new pair of shoes, some new scrubs. One or two date nights. THEN I mentally divide what's left by 4 months and cross my fingers. In my defense, I was just a few weeks away when I ran out of money. Last time it was a month so I'm doing better.

So this week, feel free to buy me a sandwhich huh?

seriously....

Is this the cutest fucking picture of any of my kids ever?? You have to click it to really get a grasp of the cute.


Really- if you're having a bad day- just refer to this page cause you know- how do you not smile at this picture?

it starts early

My 5 year old child is pretty obsessed with his penis. This is no different than any other man I've ever met, but he's not out of the age yet where he doesn't just grab it in public. I try not to make a big deal out of, I don't freak out or smack his hand away. It's not like he's sitting with his pants down or anything, he's just, you know, grabbing himself over his pants like he's Eminem.

Me: Daniel are you having a problem with your pee pee?

Daniel: No mom. It's just really big right now.

Really, I can't make this shit up.

Almost 20

Next week is my 20 year High School reunion. After the 10, I vowed that I was NOT going to the next reunion. My BFF's didn't show, and I guess I was kind of bored. Maybe 10 years was not enough. Perhaps I just was not in the right place in my life. 10 years ago was a long time.

So here is the 20. Unless something catastrophic happens, we're going. Mike and I met in high school. We know many of the same people. It should be a fun evening.

It's a pricey evening, but I think it should be a fun evening. A handful of the girls I have been talking to on Facebook- even though I didn't talk too much to them IN highschool will be there. I'm excited about that. I plan to buy a new dress, look fantastic, and drink considerable amounts of alcohol.

I'm anxious about it- I admit. I am in a decent place in my life, and really I don't CARE that I'm overweight and I need to color my gray. It is what it is. Social engagements always make me a little anxious. Even when I'm in my element. Even at family parties. I always feel like I'm standing in the wrong place or I'm saying the wrong thing.

Mike isn't sure that he wants to go either- but he's going as my date and we haven't had a nice evening out in a long time. We DID just have an anniversary, after all.

It's funny because I don't really consider myself a shy person. I can speak in front of a group. I can write or talk about adult topics including the location of your g-spot. However, in a group of people, I feel like I'm the one who just doesn't fit. I feel like I don't belong at my own birthday party. I'm not sure why that is, but I am certain that this issue is similar to me being fat.

I notice it way more than others do.

So I'm going in hopes that I have grown up enough not to feel like I don't belong there. I intend to go and have a good time- reminisce and just enjoy myself.

And drink considerable amounts of alcohol.
Don't forget, THAT.

Ode to my teenage years

After the SpongeBob birthday marathon

Daniel slipped into a Spongebob induced coma....


He was just sprawled out in the middle of the living room floor. It maked me laugh.

evidence of the crime

I got a letter in the mail a month ago from my work saying that they had hired an outside human resource company to do dependent verification. I thought it meant that I was going to get a letter, confirming who my dependents are, based on who is being covered on my employee health insurance.

I got the official letter from this company last week. I set it aside until yesterday- when I thought that I had better pay attention to the due date, because it's very much like me to do that. What the letter states is that I need to come up with evidence, documents, to prove that these dependents are really mine. That I'm not paying for insurance for... someone elses husband and kids?

unlikely.

So I need to come up with birth certificates for my kids, to prove that they are MY kids. OK fine. I have those, and I can get one for Sarah- connection Sarah to her father- who is connected to me. Perhaps divorce papers showing that he is supposed to provide health insurance. Something like that.

Lastly- and what I find the most funny is that I need to come up with a Marriage Certificate for me and Mike. Hmmmmm.... I don't have this. I never did get an official copy. Was I supposed to? I don't remember. We got married out of state. No not Vegas, but close.

I remember the chapel we got married at. I don't remember applying for a marriage license. I'm sure we did.

Didn't we?

I have no clue. I suspect the nice man would not have married us if we didn't have all the proper forms- right? So I need to look in to this. Get a copy of this marriage certificate, cause I don't think I have one. I've never been asked to prove it before.

And isn't that strange....?

I've never been asked to PROVE that we are married. I want to say that I HAD to have it when I changed my social security number. However, if this was the case... I would know- and remember that I had this license in my possession. I had to look up where to get a copy. You'd think that I'd remember this information. I don't forget having things, I just forget where I put them.

Along with a marriage certificate- I also have to have something else. Some other statement of ownership. Tax forms. Something. I don't have this. We don't own anything together. We don't file taxes together. We don't bank together. You can't make me sign legal documents.

I signed the marriage license, this should be enough.
Wait.... did I?

So I have to prove in more ways that one that I married him. Is the exhaused and defeated look not enough? Is the fact that I actually PAY the medical bills not an indicator that I do it because I HAVE to. I'm nice, but I'm not so nice that I would do this for someone I wasn't legally obligated to do it for.

Ok fine. I will go ahead and get you your documents. We have a lease agreement on our apartment- that's the only thing that has both of our names on it. That and the marriage license we signed.

Apparently.

why bother?

It's been a long day and it's only 10AM. I woke up at 5AM to find my husband had NOT returned from the ER. So I called him, and yes- he was still there. great.

I text messaged my boss at 6AM and told her that I may or may not be in today, depending on if he comes home from the ER.

Of course, either way I have to go by the office because I need to get his medications- AND there's some things on my work computer that I need to get to. So while I have to miss work because he's sick... again, I still have to make the drive down there when he gets out- even thought I can't actually WORK.

This irritates me to no end.

I figured I'd do some laundry, but the roll of quarters has magically disappeared. Even though I specifically asked someone not to use those quarters for anything other than laundry. I hate having to make extra trips just because someone else has fucked up my system.

My wireless internet connection is not working. Again. Thankfully I have my Verizon Wireless Aircard. My day is pretty much wasted and I'm totally irritated about it because all I wanted to do was be able to get up and go to work today. I may as well just go back to bed.

small victories

This morning I tackled the tupperware/ gladware/ storage bowl and lid situation. It was overwhelming my pantry and I still could never find a lid for my bowls. So I matched lids with bowls and disposed of old lids and a few old bowls. Now all of it matches and it's all tidy and workable.

I don't win points for my domestic skills, you know?

Sometimes it's the little things.

sweep THIS!!!

I got a parking ticket yesterday. Reason: Street Sweeper.

Ummmm what?

I've lived in the same complex for almost 7 years now. People park on that side of the street, for days and days. There is no sign. There is no sweepers. Ok- wait, I HAVE seen sweepers, but there is no "No Parking on X day from Y to Z time for street cleaning." The sweeper will weave around and clean certain open parts of the curb. That whole block is extra parking for the people who live in my complex. So you know, Mr. Officer, you are going to have to suck a big dick on that one.

The comment: Saw sweeper come around

What the fuck?

I don't live in the backwoods where seeing a street sweeper vehicle is unheard of. So Mr Officer, you SAW a sweeper, and my car- and decided I was in violation of my car being in the same presence as a sweeper. Is that it? Is my Mini-Van not good enough to share the same BLOCK with a sweeper? Can you find more ways to fuck me up the ass? I mean, you had ALREADY written up a violation for my expired registration, which is really not expired, I just need a smog check, by the way. Hey, I won't argue THAT- but don't think I DON'T know how he giggled while he tucked the SECOND ticket under my windshield knowing that it (this completely bogus piece of shit violation) would completely fuck up my day.

However, I am a law abiding and/or consequence accepting citizen and I will deal with the registration/ smog check issue and or just pay the fine if my 'almost registered' status is not enough. No sweat.

The street sweeping violation, however, is bullshit.

Thanks for playing, dick!

no more goodbyes

Christine invited me to church with her, just about every week for the duration of our friendship. I used to joke with her, that if she loved her church so much, surely she wouldn't want to see it go up in flames like that? It didn't burst into flames that day, when I finally came to her church. She would have enjoyed the irony of the fact that in the end, she got me to go to her church.

It was a lovely ceremony. When I arrived I saw the 'guys' from my old office. The small sea of suits and the frames of the men I worked with for many years. The undeniable feeling of comfort overwhelmed me, if only for a moment. I walked in a few moments behind them and engaged in the gang bang of hugs- each one of them I squeezed tightly. Even the ones who I knew were not really 'huggers'. It's a funeral, standard rules don't apply.

I hung back a little bit waiting for Michael, who took on the job of dropping the kids off and when he didn't arrive minutes before the ceremony started, I went in and sat down next to an old friend who also came to pay his respects. I think that sitting mostly alone helped me keep it together. Had I been sitting with Michael, or even my girlfriends- the tears would have flown freely. Even sitting somewhat alone, I cried more tears than I thought I had left inside me. For the loss of my friend, and for her family.

Going over all the details will just rip me open again, but there were a lot of moments and things said about her that made me so proud to know her and to have been her friend. It makes me question, again, why she was ever friends with me. She had pretty high moral values and lived with a sense of family, faith, virtue and civic duty. What ever she saw to be friends with a self-indulgent slut like myself... is beyond me. However we shared a friendship that nobody ever questioned. She was somewhat of a balancing factor for me. Always playing the devil's advocate, even though she was ALWAYS on my side, even if I was wrong.

As I am thinking back on the years of our friendship, I see now- how she always looked out for me. She was always checking on me, making sure that I was ok. Always mothering me, in a way that was so subtle that I didn't even notice it. It's Saturday now, and I think that Thursday was a hard day for me. The funeral was over, and it is just time to get on with life. It goes on, for the rest of us. There is guilt that goes along with that. Should I not laugh? Should I not enjoy myself? I feel as if it's not right for me to smile yet, even though my logical brain tells me that this isn't the case.

By the way, I really hate when people say, "Christine wouldn't want you to (insert whatever sad emotion I'm having over her death here)" So please, stop saying it.

Maybe the anger phase isn't quite over, and I don't know if this is bargaining or not. That nagging feeling that she should not have had to die resonates with me. That feeling that it is SO fucking unfair. Nobody deserves to die, but I think that some people truly deserve to LIVE. There was so much talk of how Christians don't fear death and they should be joyful.... all that. I don't know. Maybe if I was religious, all of this would be easier to deal with.

Without that, I guess I'm somewhat lost in a sea of questions about morality and mortality. I don't have any joy about her death. Call me crazy.

I am grateful that she is not in pain anymore. She suffered in her last days. While I don't know that I buy the idea that she is in a "better place now" - she's not in this place where she was in pain. This place, where her brain was being consumed by cancer, which is a disease that in itself, makes me question the very existence of God.

Her mom told me, "You know Julie- nobody gets out of this world alive."

I think that is the only answer I'm going to get.

little moments

For as simple and fair skinned as she was, she really liked color. She had this bright blue suit that she'd sometimes wear to work. I mean, a ROYAL blue. And against her fair skin, it was quite striking. Sometimes she'd rock the red top and bright red lipstick. She pulled it off as if it was nothing at all.

Not a lot of women can pull off bright red lipstick on a work day. Even for me, it's a bit bold.

Today she wore a shiny peach color on her lips. She wore a high neck dress to cover her tumors. She looked... peaceful. Everyone says that when you go to a viewing. That they looked peaceful. Well, of course she did. She looked more alive in her death that she did the last day she was alive.

The minute you walk in the door or a mortuary you are hit with it. That scent that reminds me death. Actually it's flowers. Carnations. The overwhelming scent of fresh flowers. I walked up the stairs, following the sound of voices and coming around the corner to vaguely familiar faces. We didn't know each other, not formally. However I knew they were her friends from church and I was her friend from work.

I immediately saw her cousin, who was there with her that last night. She hugged me tight for we shared this. The whole time Christine and I knew each other, she talked often about this cousin, but we never met. No, we met at Christine's bedside, the night before she died. She hugged me for a long time. She was crying. I tried to keep it together and I had just walked in the room. People were looking and I felt immediately consious of this. She was leaving, and said she would see me tomorrow. "You know, we were the last ones to see her," she said. I nodded. Yes, I knew. "I can't believe she's gone."

"Me neither," I said to her. I squeezed her hand and we smiled. That knowing smile of support for we had shared something so special to each of us we probably wish we didn't have to share it with the other person.

With her cousin making her exit, I greeted her mom and dad. Her dad reached his hand out to me and I hugged him. Her parents are such warm and loving people. I had spent a few holidays with them. Her mom always welcomed me into there home. Turkey, cheesy greenbeans, the chocolate fountain. There was always a seat for me and my boys at her table.

She hugged me now and said the same, that she looks peaceful. "But Julie, it's not her. She's not here anymore. She's with the Lord now and that is just her body."

I started crying then. I think because I struggle with God and the ideas of Heaven and all, that I find less peace in that statement than some would. There is peace in knowing she is no longer in any pain. I looked around the room at the flowers and the collage of photographs.

Surreal. A whole collage of photos of my best friend. Many I had seen, some I hadn't. Picture of her climbing out of a paddle boat. In a pool with some snorkeling gear. Hooked up to a parasail. Line Dancing. Prom. So many pictures with her daughter. Photographs of her the way I remember her. I smiled, looking at each picture for a long time. Taking it in and appreciating that she had a full life with lots of fun experiences. She was daring, but you'd never really think so if you'd met her.

In the adjoining room to the left, was her casket. It was a shiny lilac color with a simply purple flower design embroidered in the lid. Her hands were crossed over her stomach. Her thin, frail hands. She always had pretty long fingers but she was never able to grow her nails. They were longer now and painted that same shiny peach as her lipstick.

I wanted to touch her, but I didn't. I wanted to stroke her face, but I didn't. She looked better than she had when I saw her last. That last night she looked sunken and sickly. Skin stretched over a skeleton. She was plagued with disease. Now she looked sleeping. Quiet. Almost as if she was going to open her eyes and say, "Stop your crying!!"

For what seemed like a long time I stared at her lifeless body. I was joined by another co-worker/ friend and we shared memories. We laughed and reminisced about her red lipstick. Her affinity for girly things like floral prints, dangly earrings, and her love for Disneyland. We stood together, looking at her body. I was grateful that she looked better than that last day that I rushed to her side, to say my goodbye to this woman who I will remember as one of my best friends.

I had approached her and taken her hand. I told her that I had to go but I would be back tomorrow. Maybe she wasn't sleeping, but was just so medicated that she couldn't be awake. She took a deep breath and opened her eyes. It was all the energy should could pull together and she spoke. I could not understand her words, her voice was.... froggy. Yes, I know she was trying to tell me she wasn't scared. That I should not be scared. To take care of the boys. To check on her daughter. To travel. To trust. To love. To live my life. That she loved me. That she knew I loved her. I know she was telling me all those things in those few words that she was trying so hard to get out. I stroked her hands then, calming her, "Shhhh, it's ok. It's ok now. Rest. Shhhh...." I was overcome with tears as she closed her eyes and fell 'back to sleep'.

This is how we said goodbye. I had every intention of coming back the next day, but I think she knew. I think she was ready. While I will never forgive myself for not spending more time with her in her final months, I will always feel grateful for that moment.

She loved Disneyland

November 2007

Christine and the bug soup

I'm overwhelmed with emotions lately. I keep thinking of Christine and trying to piece together memories. The years of our friendship weaves together into flashes of time. For years, we had lunch together at least three times a week. We ran errands at lunch, paid our bills, did our banking, went shopping- sometimes we even ate lunch.

So many little memories...

There is a cafe that was in the next building that made amazing soups and salads. Christine really liked this soup. Chicken and Wild Rice. It was pretty good but I couldn't eat it because the wild rice always looked like bugs. The wild rice was also a little more firm, furthering my 'bug' theory. I used to laugh and tell her if there WERE bugs in there, you'd never know. She loved it, and every Thursday we'd go there and I'd get the jambalaya and she'd get the bug soup. Just yesterday I got some Tomato Florentine Soup at the cafeteria at work and there was rice in it. As I was ladeling the soup into my bowl, I said outloud, "ah... bug soup." I stopped and the memory came back to me... and I started to cry.

I can't put this together in my head. Maybe it's because I didn't see her getting sick. Maybe because before two weeks ago, in my mind she was still well. I didn't know she was so sick. Her mom told me that when she was diagnosed three years ago, the doctors gave her 2-5 years. I do remember her telling me that but I think that I just blocked that out. The first year, her treatments seemed to be working. The second year, she was getting thinner, but she still wasn't really 'sick'. She wasn't losing her hair, her tumors were not spreading any farther. Not until year three. It would have been three years this August. 2-5 years, they said. They were right.

Perhaps my view of how things happened are different than they really were. Clearly there were things she didn't want to tell me. Clearly she wanted me and all of her friends to remember her in her healthier days. I guess I can't argue with that logic.

She was a better friend to me than I was to her. When I look back at all the wonderful things she did for me and my family, more on that another time. I don't have the tissues for it right now.

Until the end she thought of the everyone elses feelings more than she thought of her own suffering. I will never forgive myself for not being there more for her in those last months.

But I know I am a better person for having known her at all.

goodbye, dear friend

I don't know how to write my feelings. I don't know how to express anything right now.

My friend, one of my best friends, has died and I feel that part of me has died with her.

It feel empty and sad and beside myself. I got a message on Tuesday night that she had taken a turn. This morning I got a call around 9AM with the news that she had passed this morning. I am grateful that I went to see her last night. I am grateful that I got to say goodbye. She knew I was there, and while I could not understand the final words she spoke to me, I know what she said.

I am mostly grateful for the friendship I was fortunate enough to share with her for the past 10 years.

As the days pass I know will talk more about it. I am flooded with memories of her and I just can't believe that she's gone.

what you're looking for...

here's some of the recent searches that have landed people on my blog:

"bondage dog"
"jizz"
"rite aid vibrators"
"when you die nothing happens"
"julie fucks my brains out"

and my favorite

"maybe I wasn't asking you to love me"

It don't matter if you're black or white

1958-2009

If you had asked me a week ago, I would not have thought much about it- but today I find myself sad and reminiscent... and lacking for words. I could probably post 25 of my favorite videos here.... but I won't. I'll just post this one, because it's still one of my favorite songs of all time.

Mow your lawn??

I'm not sure I've seen a heart shaped pattern before.

come on over...

I'm going to see him perform next week in LA.









Of all the songs from him, and Matchbox 20, I think this is really my favorite. It just feels good.



Thought I'd share it, in case you need a pick me up!!

local douchebags

Have you ever seen this site?

Hot Chicks with Douchebags

Cock-a-doodle-douche!

So now it's a TV show.

I couldn't figure out how to identify California guys. There's just something SO arrogant and dickish about a lot of them. NOT all of them,but some. I think this is why I find myself gravitating towards New Yorkers, or guys from anywhere else. There's just something different. So when I saw this show- I realized immediately what it is about a lot of the OC guys- they identify it right away.

You know that guy. That guy who thinks he's so fresh he actually CALLS himself 'fresh.' He spends more time on his hair than you do. He owns a flat iron. He's kind of a chick, but with a cock and an ego. He's a younger Ryan Secreast. He's OK looking, and would be hot if he wasn't such a fucking tool. The only reason you might fuck him is because he got you drunk and maybe that's the fastest way to shut his ass up! Maybe he's got a big dick, I mean, he keeps TELLING YOU how big it is, right?

He's the OC Bag.

totally

IDK, IDC and IDTS!!!!

I had an argument with my husband today. Why?

He keeps calling me.

*in my best Julia Roberts a la Pretty Woman voice*...Stop callin me!!!

If he's got something to say, like if something is really wrong. Did he fall? Is he bleeding? Do the kids need a cast??

No...

We need bread.

Really? For bread, you make a phone call??

Seriously dude. Text me.

I got him a Blackberry for FatherDay. I am paying an extra $30 a month for him to be able to reach my via text, Blackberry Messenger, and Yahoo Messenger. He can even email me.

Instead. He calls.

sigh....

Later I was at the store. Talking to my BFF on the phone. She is the only person I know who doesn't have a cell phone. Her daughters have cell phones, I have sent texts to her daughters to get fast messages to her. Messages that don't require a phone call. So he called again but I didn't pick up. I sent him a Blackberry Message asking him if we needed anything else at the store. (I can do that WHILE I talk on the phone) He never answered so I figured it was fine, I shopped and left.

When I left the store, I wrapped up my phone call and listened to his voice mail. "Hey we need milk."

WHAT????

So I loaded the groceries in my car, and I went BACK in. Not before I called him. "Why didn't you message me back?"

"What?? I didn't get your text."

"Ok, I didn't buy you this phone and pay for the service for you NOT to check your damn messages!!!"

He told me I was wiggin. I DO NOT WIG.

I was irritated and you know, we don't need to have a phone call for EVERYTHING. You can text me- I'd prefer that you text me.

"Are you kidding me? You're rather that I TEXT you?"

And while maybe my answer was ridiculous, I answered truthfully. "Yes."

I could hear him shaking his head.

whatever....

just. text. me.

Look, I'm not saying that I never want to talk on the phone. I mean, I LOVE to talk on the phone. However, if you CAN say it in 160 characters or less... why not do just that?

srsly. kthnksbi.

I'm on your side....

I know I will get killed for posting these pictures. Sorry girls.

When I was a Freshmen in HS, I met Carrie. She introduced me to Christie, and Abigail. Well, I think she introduced me to Christie. Definitely Abigail. This was Freshmen year and for the next three years the three of us were BFF's.
Sort of.

There's always a weird dynamic in girl groups. Rarely is everyone equally friendly with everyone else.

Carrie and me
Christie and me
Christie and Abigail
Carrie and Abigail

see what's missing??

Carrie and Christie
Abigail and Me

What came between us?
Hmm, what do you think???

It was more than that really- sometimes it was temperament, personality, and sometimes just jealousy. Who knows really- however it was always sort of there. Of course though, we all spent lots of time together. As many of the whole group as possible. The other three girls were in choir, and I used to go to EVERY choir concert to watch and support. We supported each other and we were there for each other and did the best we could to get along, for the sake of the group.

There were guys, and fights... and fights over guys.

Gossip, backstabbing... and crying.

By senior year, we had somewhat outgrown the friendship it seemed. Christie and I remained close but really the rest of the 4some had somewhat dismantled and gone separate ways. Maybe the reason I have so few memories of my senior year, is because I didn't share it with them. I remember once telling Carrie that she's just someone I used to be friends with. She told me that it was probably the most hurtful think I'd ever say to her. She's probably right.

After graduation, Carrie and I reconciled and have remained best friends. Christie and I faded off and on, more off than on- over the next 20 years. Abigail nobody really heard from until a few months ago. I think she and Carrie had a falling out of sorts a year after graduation.

Abigail and I have been corresponding via Facebook for the past few months I guess. It's been nice, really nice. 20 years and that relationship has come full circle and really I can't really remember the reason we didn't get along. I mean, other than fighting for Carrie's attention... oh yeah, and the one guy... dumb.

Looking back, it's all kind of foolish.

Abigail is going to be in town next week. We are going to get together. Get together with our kids, and then just us- hang out, have some drinks... Girl stuff. I really can't wait. It's so important for me to heal old wounds.

High school is a wound for all of us- that much I know. A reunion, of sorts, would be healing for all of us I think.

The 20 year reunion of our high school is coming up at the end of the summer. Abigail is going to be there, and I will be there too. Christie and Carrie are not coming. I wish they were. It would be great to get an updated picture. It would be great to know that the troubled water really IS under the bridge.

It would be great to embrace my friends. To laugh with them and be in that safe place. I don't know why these types of things are so important to me. Maybe I read too many books or watch too many movies- but I don't want the next time that the 4 of us are in the same place to be some tragedy. It's great for the movies, but nothing I want to really experience. Who knows, maybe it wasn't as important to the others as it was for me. Maybe the other girls just don't care or have lives that are so full that they don't need to revisit those days. Maybe it just meant more to me than it did to anyone else. I don't know.

I just wish... I wish that we could all be together. Not the high school reunion, the cliques and the prom with booze and blood pressure medication, but my friends.

The 4 of us.