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Using my 40's as a do-over for my thirties, only smarter. I often mistake the bees and honey reference with the one about free milk and a cow. This might explain my whole life.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Letting it Go

Sometimes I can't deny the signs from my Higher Power. For weeks I have been struggling with the decision about my apartment. Should I move out and therefore force my husband to move out. Should I stay and not uproot my boys- and let them transition a little easier with thier father moving out- assuming he actually DOES move out as planned and promised... My apartment is a pit, by the way. Leaks and power trouble and old appliances....

Last night a ceiling tile covering the air conditioning came crashing down in my hallway. Broken ceiling tile and water everywhere. The maintenance people are idiots- having still not fixed a hole in the bathroom wall that has been there and I've been calling about for over a month now.

I think that is my Higher Power telling me that I should just move. It's time to go. Bite the bullet, put up the cash and move out. I was standing still and waiting for a sign. I think I got one....

Now I have been practicing this "wait for a sign" technique in regards to many things. Of course when I GET that sign, like hundreds and thousands of dollars disappearing, I still don't listen. Case in point, my life right now. So perhaps if I actually LISTEN to the signs, DO what my gut is telling me that I should do, perhaps changes will follow.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Thankful

Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness. . .
Sometimes at that moment a wave of light breaks into our darkness,
and it is as though a voice were saying: "You are accepted."
--Paul Tillich


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Sometimes the good things in life don't make sense any more than the bad things. I have a hard time understanding why bad things befall good people, and why good things befall bad people. Today, I can only count my blessings and be thankful for the wonderful people who have appeared when all hope seemed lost.

Love

Since I am not going to be actually going back to meeting for a month, I need to keep SOME program in my life, somehow. School starts again tomorrow- and this month, my husband is supposed to be moving out. So I'm going to do my best to blog as often as I can. Journal here about what is going on, what I'm feeling, and what I'm thinking about the upcoming changes. I can feel the stress weighing me down. I've had a consistent headache for a week now. So I need to outlet it.

I originally started this blog as an outlet for my Al-Anon program, so I would like to get back to that.

This is from "Living with Sobriety":

For me, love means giving and getting comfort, care and compassion; for others there can be no love without dignity and shared responsibility. For some, feelings die when they are not returned in kind, nurtured and protected by an attentive partner. Others can love unconditionally, but from a distance. The capacity for loving may exceed a partner's capacity or it may not. Whatever our feelings may be, they are neither bad nor good; they simply are, and we have to work with them. I am free to love whomever I choose, and love, freely given is the most rewarding.
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I have learned a lot about love being in this marriage. For all it's faults, it's only because I, at one time, loved him with all my heart that I ever put myself through this. Sometimes it's been insane, and sometimes I lost sight of what love is supposed to be like. But who's to say? It's only been in the last year that I have realized that the love that my husband and I once shared is no longer growing. The roots have been picked apart- and we simply can't replant them. For some people, they have been able to love unconditionally from a distance. And I applaud those people who were able to have boundaries and detach and allow thier alcoholic loved ones to suffer thier own consequences and move on. I can't do that. Maybe I'm not strong enough.

I am unable to detach from his problems and remain in this relationship. I have control issues that after all these years, I still can't let go of. I have expectations- and as I read in a book on divorce that I just bought, "Reality Railroads Expectations."

No kidding.

So with that, I have to move on. Because my inablity to detach, will only bring me down. It will only further perpetuate this ugly cycle and probably kill him faster that he is killing himself.

Thoughts on love???





Thursday, August 17, 2006

Just a little Patience

"The key to everything is Patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it."--Arnold Glasow.

Growing up there was a sign in my mothers house that said "Nothing worthwhile comes easy." I think I have remembered that my entire life and call back on it whenever I find myself getting impatient or feeling like the struggle for what I want is too much to handle. Waiting has always been something that SEEMS like a good idea in theory, but in practice I have a hard time actually doing it.

I am waiting on a lot of things lately. Things that really ARE worth while-and some days I remember that it's worth it for me to be patient- and other days I just want to rush head first to the next phase of my life- as if I have control over it to begin with. My husband is supposed to be moving within 6 weeks. So far he is "talking about it", but I have no idea what his plan really is. He hasn't started packing anything yet. I am still considering just packing up and moving myself. Just to make sure he is left with no choice. It's harsh, but it seems like his M O is always to do nothing, and leave everyone else with no choice but to 'deal with him'. And my dealing days are over. That's for damn sure.

Lately he has been mumbling about how much pressure he is under. The stress of everything that has 'befallen' him. I did NOT make the obvious comment about how a lot of that is self inflicted, even though I was tempted. I won't be swayed by guilt. It hits me sometimes, and some days I do feel bad- but I know that I am still doing a lot more than most women would have done. I am still taking a soft stance with him when I could have thrown him to the streets with nothing. I am continuing to enable him in a milder way- giving him undeserved some time to get his crap together. I'm not trying to be a martyr about it- but I DO think that my extra effort to be kind make it ok that I really care too much about the stress he's under.

Believe it or not- he has yet to do anything to relieve MY stress.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Jumping off

I had breakfast yesterday with my sponsor. Actually, not my sponsor anymore, but she was my sponsor and I think when get back to program, she will be my sponsor again. It was nice to catch up with her. I hadn't seen her in a while and we haven't had too much time to talk lately. She was understanding about my decision not to go back to meeting until after my husband moves out. She agreed that what I need to do is stay angry. She told me, what she could NOT tell me when she was my sponsor- but can safely say now that she's just my friend. "Get the hell away from him and save your own life." We don't give advice in Al-Anon. We only offer experience strength and hope. Support in whichever path each of us chooses.

I can forgive later. Right now I need to stay angry. I can "Let Go" later. She agreed with me. She assured me that program will always be there for me. That I knew. I believe in it. It helps me move on. And I know that once he's gone, I will need help to get over it. But I can't get past it while I'm still living in it. Anger fuels me. Resentment keeps me moving forward. Freedom is my only revenge. It's the only way I can prove my point and not become a horrible ugly hateful person. My point? I guess that I deserve better. That I am worth more than what I have. I am worth more than what he thinks of me.

Co-dependency is a wicked whore. It's just as unhealthy as any addiction and perpetuates the disease in a very silent way. I enabled him until he was practically paralyzed by it and hated him every step of the way. I resented him for his inability to take care of himself, but I was always there to take care of him, so he suffered no real consequences except having to hear my bitch at him and tear him down for being unable to take care of things on his own, confirming his bad opinion of himself and keeping him stuck in his own self pity- keeping the cycle going. A vicious and nasty little circle. I admit, even now, it's a struggle for me to keep my mouth shut when I know he has very little options. I find myself looking for ways to help him, without it seeming like I'm helping him. (Luckily the larger efforts I find myself thinking about are quickly interrupted by the voices in my head- asking me if I'm "out of my fucking mind?".) It's hard to stop doing what I've always done, even if the results have been disastrous. I still CARE about him. It's hard not to feel somewhat responsible for the way things have turned out. His sister told me I probably should have left him to sink or swim years ago. And he would have swam, and maybe with less damage than he's got to carry now. He'll swim now. Perhaps with moderate assistance, but as long as he stays afloat- stays alive... that is all that matters. I think that the ones who will help him, realize that carrying him will eventually kill him. It seems that they are forcing him to do the footwork in taking care of his health- applying for disability, keeping up with his appointments, etc. Offering him assistance based on his own efforts. I think they realize the damage that has been done by all I did (all WE did) to help him and protect him. And really, he's much worse off now, physically and mentally- than he was three years ago. I knew it wasn't right, but I could not bear to watch him suffer- I guess I did what I did to make myself feel better- and in the end I know he just got worse. I have to accept some responsibility for that. Perhaps if he was forced to make it on his own back then, he would have gotten help before it got worse. Actually, I know he would have. Three years ago, using, without any other place to turn, he may have gone into a inpatient rehab center. That may have saved him.

I see that I've drifted into this place where it seems like I'm blaming myself. I'm not. This is not my fault. I know that. All of this began with the bottle. At the core of it all- it's an alcoholic marriage. It's a family disease and we all play a part. It's not my fault- I got sick too. The whole family gets sick from addiction one way or the other. There is a pamphlet called The Merry Go Round of Denial, and as silly as I always thought the title was- it's is absolutely true. Round and Round. More like a speeding Merry Go Round, fueled by vodka, cocaine and rage- throwing off that was not hanging on for dear life. Now we just have to look around, and pick up the peices that have been thrown aside.

I can't help but wonder, thinking about that analogy, why the hell I didn't let go when it started to pick up speed??

Friday, August 11, 2006

What's fair?

Thought for today

Some of us get hung up on what's fair. We might feel, because we've worked hard to straighten out our lives, we should be rewarded. We might keep score of what we get and what others get. And we complain if it's "not fair."

Maybe we should be glad life isn't fair. Why? Most of us caused a lot of trouble we've never had to pay for. And we've hurt a lot of people who haven't gotten even. Would we really want life to be fair?

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Guns drawn

Well the war is on and there won't be any winners.

I emailed Michaels parents today because I was concerned that he hadn't taken his medications and that I felt he needed help taking care of himself because it seems like he is not consistent. I was not trying to go behind his back, because I knew he would find out. His parents are NOT on my side. They didn't call me- they called HIM and told him what I said. I knew they would and I am fine with that. I am worried about him. I can't help him. He can't stand me. But his parents have been pretty involved with his recent hospital stays and I wanted them to be in the know about what's going on. He claimed he was taking the pills from the bottle and not the daily pill case we set up. I think that's bullshit, because why would he open 8 different bottles of pills, 4 times a day when they are already separated and ready to go in a nice handy case. But whatever.... just keep handin out the bullshit until someone believes you.

In anycase. He is very angry. I don't remember what he accused me of trying to do. I am not sure if he thinks I was trying to score points or turn people against him, but I was not. I will gladly forward the email I sent to his parents- I make no apoligies for my actions.

He claims he does not need me, so I told him to get the fuck out. Plain and simple. It's ugly. It's only going to get uglier. He wants to hate me, I should just let him. If I do something hateful and mean, he gets angry. If I do something nice, I am sending mixed messages and he gets even more angry. I just want him to leave. I think that's been made clear. There's no confusion about that.

I fear it's going to get worse before it's over.