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Using my 40's as a do-over for my thirties, only smarter. I often mistake the bees and honey reference with the one about free milk and a cow. This might explain my whole life.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

When it rains...

I don't think about us much anymore
And frankly, the topic has become a bore
And you don't come up much in my conversations
And I I don't think about you on vacation.

But when it rains.
That's when I remember
I remember you.

-Hootie and the Blowfish, The Rain Song

I like it when it rains like this. Light rain that comes and goes. Just enough to make everything wet and leave it seemingly more clean than before. Reminds me of Seattle. I really liked Seattle. Pike Street Market has such a great feel to it in November, when I was there, both times.




Just seeing this picture makes me ache to go somewhere. Somewhere different than here. I don't know why I'm so restless lately. School just started and if there is any time that I can't be restless, it's now. I have a heavy load at school this semester. I need to be as settled as I can possible be right now. But I'm not. I'm restless and anxious for two days now. On the verge of making big judgement errors, but doing my best to stand still. Not shopping, shopping would be bad. What would I buy in this current state of angst??

A car- something with only two seats, totally impractical.
Scarves, really pretty ones that match nothing in my closet.
Expensive earrings.
A glass dildo, cause they are pretty and I would display it someplace inappropriate, like on my enertainment center.
A LOT of cereal.
Cooking utensils that make it appear that I cook.
A removable stripper pole.
Stripper pole lessons.
A plane ticket. But I'm not telling where to.... or when we'll be back.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Dark and Twisty

I have these dark and twisted days. Usually when I'm off my meds it happens, but I'm not. I just feel frustrated and angry.

E-husband is leaving today. In good time. He never fails to remind me why we are no longer together. Why we live apart, why we may never live together...ever...again. I always take it personally. I always feel guilty when he gets sick when he's visiting the boys.

Did I mention that he always gets sick after he's come to visit? Now, as far as I can tell he gets sick every 3 to 5 days, regardless of WHERE he is- so that is probably not my fault. But there is guilt there. Because there is nothing I can do to make him feel better. And really, I don't want to even care.

I used to care too much. I used to overwrought with guilt day and and day out, because I could not help him. Not from day one. I know, not my fault. I know that. I know that it wasn't my job to help him. It was not my role. I made no promises and nobody holds me accountable for saving him. But still, I still feel horrible about it. I still have this nagging feeling deep in heart that maybe it WAS my fault. That maybe there was something I could have done. And my response to that now, is to run. Turn and walk away. I can deal with him when he's happy and feeling semi decent. When he's not, I feel guilty, and I don't want to feel that way anymore.

I'm a "fair weather wife" now. I have done the Worse, the Sickness and the Poorer. I don't want to do any more of it. I'm ready for the Better, Health, and Richer.

So today I am just feeling twisted. Running. I feel like running. Actual running, which I never do. Because that will release the ache in my chest. It's the same ache that I get when I stop taking my meds. Anxiety. I take a daily pill for it, but it seems like time for reinforcements.

Captain Xanax to the rescue.

Monday, January 29, 2007

And so it goes...

"So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break."

A long time ago I was given a heart to break. And I did just that. And I think I've been paying for it ever since.

Some days I am just not sure which direction my life is going. E-husband has been here for a few days, and it's been nice. We enjoy a very nice friendship and our visits are pleasant and sweet. Perhaps it's BECAUSE he isn't staying but a few days that we can tolerate each other. I am not confused about our relationship, but I guess it might seem confusing. We are separated, we are friends, we still love each other. We can't live together. We sleep in the same bed again when he's here, we didn't always. We have meals together. We kiss goodnight. But that seems to be it. I am incredibly grateful for his presence these past few days because I was starting to feel overwhelmed and frustrated with the Beasties. Him being here has brought a calm to my house. He's helped me clean the kitchen, he's been cooking. It's lovely.

I have my cake.

Tomorrow he is going back to his place.
That's me, eating my cake.

I know they say you can't do that. That there is a price to pay for everything. But I think maybe I'm paid up on Karma. I may even have a credit.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Movie Review

I saw Catch and Release last night. The critics have not warmed to it too much, but I liked it. There was a lot of drama, a lot of stories going this way and that. Mourning and love, almost at the same time.

The critics said that there were too many genre's mixed in to one movie. But you know, I think that is more like real life. Cycles of life don't happen one at a time. I would never be so lucky to have just one drama. It always has to be a few mixed in one, just for spice.

I have said many times that my life can be much life Soap Opera Porn. So much going on. It would be just like my life to find out my boyfriend was gay, have my car break down, my identity stolen, both kids get the flu right about the time that I meet the greatest guy I've ever known who's wife is my best friends cousin. Yeah, that sounds like me. That sounds like a lot of people really. Life is never clean. Life is terribly messy.

The movie did not seem unrealistic to me at all. And besides, I love Kevin Smith.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Dirrrty Julie

I have been given the nickname "Dirrrty Julie" here. And that doesn't mean that I don't shower. Apparently my love for boys, toys and dirty jokes has become common knowledge.

I think that I am less dirty than others, but more dirty than most. Just because I get and give dildo's for gifts does not make me dirty. Or does it??

And speaking of dildo's... oh wait, wrong profile....

Apparently they know me better than I thought.

I have had a few nicknames and such through my life. Most of them of course revolve around my name. Jewels, being the most common and widely used. It was on my license plate of my first car. A white Ford Escort GT, with a skirt kit and rims. Sexy ass car. I'm sure a few of you remember that car. I also went by Jules, Juls, Julz and Little Jew-ells.

I signed my name Jewels. That's right. Like Madonna and Cher. Just "Jewels." That stopped when I was about 22, and I went to Julie. I was in management and felt I needed to have a last name. There are a few people that still call me Jewels though, I can almost feel how they'd spell it. My cousins, my sisters, my friend Ed. I don't mind it. E-husband always calls me Julie. I can't remember him every calling me Jules (which is the name I use for this blog sometimes) or Jewels or any other variation.

My ex husband called me Princess. I was young, he was younger. I prefer "Queen" now, or "Mistress of the Night."
My e-husband called me Baby Bird, and I'm not sure why- but I always liked it and thought it was very endearing and sweet. But he never said it out loud, just on letters or cards.
My mom called me Jelly Bean. That was always my favorite. I have a friend who I call Jelly Bean now, cause she is so cheerful and happy- like a bowl of jelly beans. I suspect that is not why my mom called me that, but it's possible. I was a happy kid.

Nicknames are always kind of fun. They come from different places and from different people and some stick, like it or not.

So do I protest against Dirrrty Julie??



meh.

Why bother?

If the shoe fits...

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

HNT, blog pimpage...

Ok, so I'm gonna show off a little chest here. I got a great rack, my brothers are going to have to deal with it. I want to bring over some more traffic, and nothing brings traffic quite like cleavage, right Os?

Two things I like about this picture: My bra strap is falling off my shoulder, in true slut-style. And my shirt has panda's on it. Nothing says dead sexy, like Panda's.




Happy HNT!! Get Nekkid!!

Oh, and D-man, the nips are better now. Thanks for the consult.

How tough is 'Good morning'?

So I need to complain to the NEW preschool about the morning teachers. I don't expect them to get on their knees and greet my kids with hugs and kisses, but you know- "Good Morning Boys!" in a semi thoughtful voice is expected. I pay $67 a day. I think they can at least shout out a greeting. They said good morning to me- after I said it to them. I realize it's early, and that they are tired. You don't have to get up from your chair- but for fuck's sake, look OVER!! Say Good morning to the boys- ask how they are- be a child care provider!! ugh. So I'm going to call this morning and discuss my concern. I know that I can't be bitchy to these women, for fear that the boys will ultimately bear the brunt of it- but you know, they can't be ALLOWED to be shitty day care teachers.

So after leaving the day care center this morning I went to the store and picked up some bottled water and I walked in to the little convenience section at a Mobil station and a nice smiling gentleman said, "Well Good Morning Dear!"

Well THANK YOU!!!! Geez!- is that so fuckin hard??

There are some people here at the hospital who don't respond when you say Good Morning. It's a greeting- I'm not selling you anything. You can LOOK at me. I am no Mary Poppins ok? I don't come in singing Good Morning to You from Singing in the Rain or anything. I just said "Good Morning" as I pass people. It's polite. But there are certain people who don't even look at you, or they just give you a dead stare. I don't get it. This is a hospital!! Aren't we supposed to look like we care about people? Like we WANT to help you??

I wonder if I DID come in singing "Good Morning to You", would that make a difference?

Cunts.

And what a LOVELY Mornin!!!

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Nano Love

I wanted to buy a new CD. I wanted some new music for my iPod. Did I mention that I got a Nano for my birthday. Me, with new technology! It's awesome. I love it. I even bought an auxiliary cable so I can listen to it in my car, via my XM radio. So I decided to do what all the cool kids are doing and download songs from iTunes.

Once I logged in, I redeemed a coupon I had for 2 free itunes that I got via a two pack of Lucky Charms Cereal from Target. Then I started browsing around for music. I could have spent a FORTUNE!!!! Oh my god. But I didn't want to spend more than I would spend on a CD, so here's what I got:

Bon Jovi: (ahhh... true love lasts forever)
~Have a Nice Day
~It's My Life
~Who Says You Can't Go Home
The Cure:
~Boys Don't Cry (one of my favorite songs ever)
Depeche Mode:
~Personal Jesus (for my ibuzz)
Evanescence: (these songs just make me think about the e-husband and she's got this haunting voice)
~My Immortal
~Call Me When You're Sober
Cars Soundtrack: (For Gabe cause he loves this movie and he sings along)
~Life is a Highway (Rascal Flatts)
~Real Gone (Sheryl Crowe)
Salt N Pepa: (for driving.... I love these songs)
~Shoop
~Whatta Man
TLC: (just a good tune)
~Unpretty
Usher: (gets me feeling all freaky!)
~Yeah!

I think they will mix well on my shuffle. Yes, my musical tastes are broad. I'm a tasty broad. Something like that.

I love my ipod, almost more than I love my cell phone. yeeks. Oh, here's another picture Gabe took. I actually posed like a loser, but I was damn surprised on how it turned out.



I cropped it down a little bit. But I was impressed

---

So this morning I had two guys in my bed. One of them woke me with a kiss, and then they took turns pulling at my clothes and climbing on me. You know, I really ought to watch what I wish for. The fantasy was so much better than the reality.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Friday, January 19, 2007

Nipple-icious

How EXACTLY do your nipples get chapped? I mean, I keep them well covered and warm. I keep them dry. I haven't breast fed in years. But they are chapped and scratchy. SCRATCHY!!! What the hell??? no, what the fuck??

So I have this nipple cream (it's actually CALLED Nipple-icious) that is supposed to make them hard, but it doesn't. It does however make a nice lip gloss. So I have that on them to make them less chapped and scratchy.

Nip-balm.

Do people in states that are actually cold deal with this problem? I understand why my lips get chapped in this colder weather. I am a constant lip licker. I assure you, however, there is nobody- and I mean NOBODY around that occasionally licks my nipples.

But, if you know someone, pass his number along, eh?

Domestic Phantom

Not a domestic goddess.

Perhaps a sex goddess, though. Aphrodite was the Goddess of Love, who was the Goddess of sex? Do they have a mythological Goddess of Sex?

I digress...
Domestically, I am more like a ghost. I sort of float over my domain, shaking things up- moving them around, but not exactly cleaning it.

I came home from work yesterday and wondered, "Oh My God- did someone break into my apartment and ransack my kitchen?" Surely I would never have left it such a mess. But I have nobody else to blame for it. So I guess it was me. Shit.

On Monday night I was at my mom's house dropping off the boys, and when I came home I realized that the lights were left on.

EVERY
LIGHT
IN
MY
APARTMENT
WAS
ON.

I had been gone for 2 hours, with my apartment lit up. I was walking through the house, turning the lights off- and hissing, "How fucking hard is it to turn off a damn light in this place? Do I own the electric company or something?"

I have become my mother.
but worse.

I have become my mother AND taken on the task of berating myself as well. I did make sure to laugh about it, because it was kind of funny. But the realization that e-husband was not the one who left the lights on all the time bugged me.

That's ok though, there are still lots of other things I can blame him for.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

My second Half Nekkid Thursday

So these don't exactly compare with some of the ones out there- but you know... I think my brother read's this. So I can't just go showin off my goods when I'm not exactly anonymous.

I saw this picture somewhere so this is my attempt to recreate it.



Also I wanted to show off my new jewelry...

My next new thing.....

101 things in 1001 days.

Read about it here.

2.7 years.

who's with me????

Question of the day

From Question of the Day

You've been given 3 parachutes, but there are 4 people who need them. Who will you not give one to: Your boss, your spouse (or signifcant other), the last person who called you on the telephone, or the last person who rang your doorbell? (Of course, all 4 of them are up really super duper high in the air, and the parachute is truly the only way to save them. You are safe on the ground, so there is no need to give yourself a parachute.)

Ok, I'm not even going to get into the whole how can I be on the ground and they are up in the air so how am I going to give them parachutes...thing. cause that defeats the purpose. I would give one to:
my boss- cause she's got a family
my husband- cause that's kind of a no brainer
the last person who called me- cause he's my best friend and I'd totally want to know why he was falling from the sky with my boss and my e-husband. And really, were he and my boss just trying to push him out of the plane and it went awry?

I would NOT give it to the last person who rang my doorbell, because while he was really cute, he was a guy who sold me the Los Angeles Times. 12 weeks for $15. Friday Saturday and Sunday. Three weeks ago- and I have YET to see a fucking newspaper. Thus proving that men are liars.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Thank you ABC






Need I say more???

Holy Adonis!!!

Toxic Shock Syndrome...Isle 9.

Contrary to some of my past actions, I try to be a pretty smart spender. When I have very little money I can make it last a long time, when I have a lot- it flies out the window like cocaine out of the roof of a limosine.

I am not stuck on brand name things in general. There are a few things that I really do like brand names of, like peanut butter, dish soap and hair care products. Even those preferences are loose and I am not stuck on one brand, but I don't usually buy the cheapest dish soap or generic peanut butter. I do buy generic medicine, even acetaminophen or ibuprofen. I do realize that the name brands ARE a little better, but the generics work just fine- fine enough.

But today I think I crossed the line. I was at Walmart today getting diapers and some juice and I had to buy tampons. It's almost that time again, and I almost ALWAYS forget to put some in my purse, even though I know it's going to start "any minute now." Or I forget to buy some and I have to make a mad run to Sav On in the middle of the day. So I was at Walmart and they did not have my usual brand. Kotex.

Let me sidebar. When I was growing up, Kotex was a go to word for "pad." Like Kleenex, and Xerox, but in a much less pleasant way. When I became a teenager and decided to make the switch, I used Tampax. That was what all the girls were using, and it was fine enough. Playtex, I don't know, they were the red headed step kid of the pack. OB, well, you had to be brave for that.

I have tried them all really over the years. All the different applicators, no applicator. The Instead Cup - that was nasty. I had no real preference, and almost every month I would be bleeding and for lack of a "something."
--
"Something" is the universal term for feminine product. "Do you have 'something'?" That is all that needs to be said. Am I right ladies?? The conversations usually go like this:

"Hey Jen, do you have something?"

"Umm, I do, but I use pads. Ask Jenny, she's on right not too."

fast walk to Jenny, asking why anyone still only uses pads.

"Hey Jenny, do you have something?"

"I do!" and she reaches in her bag and hands me a nice pearly white package, but the writing is yellow. Slender Regular size.

Ok- I am not cavernous- but I am not a 12 year old girl either. Who the hell uses Slender Regular?? I may was well roll up a cotton square and shove it up my twat. But ok, note to self, do not ask Jenny, she has a twat like a 12 year old girl.

So I asked Patti- because like I said, I ALWAYS forget to put them in my purse, and she handed me a Kotex Tampon, size-Super. Way to go Patti. And I have used them ever since.
--
Ok, back to the store. So Walmart DID have Kotex brand, but not the right size. Not the grown up, "I've had a child" size. So I looked at what they did have, because again, I am not so stuck on the brand that I will go to another store. Tampax, Playtex, all regular size. The women are stocking up. We, apparently, are all bleeding this week. So I looked at the Walmart brand. Equate. hmmmm. One box says "Compare to Tampax" the other box says "Compare to Kotex." It was the size box I usually buy. The right size. And $2 cheaper.

I tossed it around in my head. Generic tampons? How cheap am I?? I am not on my period RIGHT NOW- surely I can stop by Target tomorrow. But.... I'm here now. I hate having to shop. And it's $2 cheaper. It wouldn't hurt to try it. I certainly hope not.

So I bought them. I fear that I may have built a crawl space under my lowest of lows.

G.C.W. rides again.

Sometimes I think I get a little too 'chick' for my own good. I prefer me to be a little more ice queen really. At least that way my feelings don't get hurt when things go awry. The Grumpy Cunt Whiner is visiting.

I've had a friendship go way south recently. It makes me sad and makes me wish that so many things about me were different, but then again- I am who I am and I simply can't please everyone, even if I really really want to. I will miss my friend, but we all make our decisions. It's not just that we had a fight, or that we decided that we should no longer be friends. But my feelings got hurt, bad. The view from under the bus is not a good one. And I suspect that the tire marks on the back of my neck are permanent.

In response to his exit, I said some things, that, well, sealed the deal. There is no turning back now. The zinger. I don't know why I felt the need to have the last word, but I certainly was not going to give it to him. So I made the final move, the Mortal Combat "FINISH HIM" blow and now it's over. Game over. Period. Maybe I did it because I wanted the friendship to be over without any chance of fixing it. So I won't wonder. So I won't leave any doors open. Because in the end, I shut the door. Sealed it, sanded it flat, and put a oak dresser in front of it. Nope, there was never a door there.

Now I can't look back, even if I wanted to- and even if I did, he wouldn't give me the time of day. I guess I had that coming.

Unhealthy relationships should be thrown out with yesterdays trash, and we both knew this. No matter what the argument, whose decision, whose last word. What's done is done. Some friendships cost more than what they are worth.

I hope that we are right in deciding that this is one of them.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Pretty lights

So it's a nice brisk 55 degrees here. The sun was out earlier and it might have been alright to leave the house, although, I didn't. My friend in Denver is enjoying TWO degrees, I use the word enjoying loosely, but she actually left the house today and went to the store. I barely got dressed.

My mother told me that I'm just too lazy to take my tree down and that I'm making excuses. I have no idea why I would even DISCUSS a Christmas Tree with her and why I would expect her to care about the things I care about outside of my job, my education and my children. I guess that is what being a non-warm and fuzzy mom does. I should not be suprised. But it just confirms my wanting to keep it up. Because I can.

I have the lights on right now- and I love them. Hell, I'm tempted to redecorate the fucking thing. My friend Chris was saying how she would love to keep the lights on her house outside. She doesn't have a porch light, it's not like they are icicles, or colored lights, or flashing!! But I know why she can't do it. I realize I am facing public scorn, by keeping my tree up, but you know- I never see my neighbors. The girl that lives above me locked her baby in her car, and then locked herself out of her apartment with her baby inside, at 2AM. In the same week. So you know, her opinion of ME is hardly my concern.

So I have been pimped out Podcrapular a few times now- so if you have not gone there and listened to Golfwidow and Andy, you should. I personally love Real Porn Audio, but this weeks podcast talks about the Hole-y trifecta of Beaver. I'm not sure if I'm more amused at their humor, or how amused THEY are at their humor- but either way, I am left laughing.
Check em out.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Frozen juice on skid row

It's supposed to be cold this weekend. The Govenator has called a state of emergency. I can already hear people groaning, but it's not my fault. Here in California, we do our best to control our weather, and when it get out of the 65-85 range, we panic a little bit. People pay good money to come here for the weather, and when it gets out of whack, it makes us look bad.
Not that fruit and homeless people don't matter- because they do. And of course we cannot afford to lose crops, nor do we want people freezing to death on the streets- but to call it a state of emergency seems a bit much. I guess I refer to reserve "states of emergency" for disasters like flooding, earthquakes, and marriage. So who gets called in? The National Guard? -with blankets and heat lamps? Will they light fires and go sweeping through the orange fields like "A Walk in the Clouds"?




VICTORIAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

and it's not just cause they are my boys...



Ok, is that cute or what??? I love this picture for a few reasons. One I think we both look pretty good in it. I am not very photogenic, I usually look stoned(and really I don't ever let anyone take my picture when I'm stoned). Also, Danny looks adorable, of course.

But here's the shocker. Gabe took this picture. Gabe- the FOUR YEAR OLD. He loves to take pictures with my camera, and he uses the screen and knows how to zoom in and out. It's pretty impressive if you ask me!!! Beautiful and brilliant. And I'm not even biased.

I make the rules

I got up this morning before the beasties did and I went out into the dark living room and turned on my Christmas Tree lights.

Yep, I said it.

I still have my tree up.

The decorations are off, just the lights are left. It's a fake tree. It doesn't pose a fire hazard or anything. It's taking up a 4 foot square that would otherwise be filled with toys. It's not hurting anyone. I don't know how long I'm going to leave it up.

I spoke to my friend about it, and he said, "ummmm- the word ghetto comes to mind." Obviously he has never been to my apartment, because well, nobody would notice ghetto there. It fits right it. I was looking at my tree this morning and the way it illuminates the dark room, and I like it. It makes me smile.

Last year, I didn't put the tree up at all. E-husband and I were headed towards a break up, that didn't happen at the time- of course. I think I was feeling like the life was being sucked out of me. I think I felt that way for a LONG time. Why is it that the bad stuff lingers forEVER, but we are only allowed to keep the good stuff around for two weeks and then it's gone??

I had a good Christmas this year. The boys and I had fun. It was a Christmas that made up for all the shitty ones I had. So why can't I leave my tree up? You know, I'm the only adult who lives in my house.

Even if I don't do it well:
I do all the cooking, all the cleaning, I pay all the bills. I make all the household decisions- on my own. So if I want to have something pretty to look at when I crawl my sorry ass out of bed at 5AM, well, then I can do that. I can put hearts on it for Valentines Day, hang eggs for Easter. I can celebrate Arbor Day- and it can just be a "tree".

Maybe I will take it down when I get the urge to do so. But right now, I just have the urge to keep it up. Enjoy it. It's pretty. I don't have to feed it or clean up after it. It won't die. It doesn't make any noise, it doesn't cost me anything, other than the cost of the electricity to run the lights for a few hours. It brings me good feelings. It doesn't talk back. It puts some life and good cheer into my otherwise poorly lit, sad ghetto apartment.

So I plan to leave it up for as long as I want to. You know why? Cause I fucking CAN!!!!! I let the e-husband stay in the house a lot longer than I should have, and I had to FEED him.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Detachment

I could write a book on the trouble with detachment. Why I don't do it well, at least not emotionally. Physically, it's as easy as not showing up- or not doing anything. That doesn't mean that it doesn't affect my thoughts and the ache in my heart.

E-husband is back in the ED again. I am not sure that he's any better living with his folks than he was living with me. Stomach flu > dehydration > malnutrition > raised blood sugar > diabetic ketoacidosis. I'm not sure what order, but that seems to be the jist of it.

fuck.

I realize the condition of his health is self inflicted. You can't UNDO the damage. But it does seem lately that he has been trying. So what gives? Every little virus sends him to the hospital. I hate that I can't help. That I can't even sit with him at the hospital, by choice, as I gave up doing that by way of some sort of obligation. I did my time at his bedside, but I always visit him. He's not local anymore. I know there isn't anything I can do for him. I can't help him- or even comfort him. I just feel bad for it. I wonder if he'd be better at home with me, but I doubt it. And we'd all be worse for trying. I would enable him further. And I'd hate him for it. But I currently hate MYSELF over it.

I am so tempted to dive into research, and find out what might help him. What kind of program, diet, therapy...anything... that will help him undo some of the damage. But it's not for me to do. I can't manage his health. I generally have a pretty high opinion of physicians, and I try to assume that they have good reasons for what they do and don't do. You just have to ASK what those reasons are. But I truly feel that his doctors are NOT doing something. They are missing something, or opting to treat symptoms A and B, setting C and D aside. I just want to know what and why? What are they treating him for- and why do they think that is more important than that? I want to ask the doctors "what is your plan for him? How EXACTLY is he supposed to live like this." But they shuffle him through, send him home when he appearrs to be stable, which it totally a subjective term.

The trouble with detachment is that it's supposed to empower me to live my own life and not fix his problems. And while it somewhat does that- it doesn't absolve me of the guilt and the worry and the anguish. It just stops me from doing anything about it.

Whoopdy-fucking-do.

Funny things that doctors say...



"So... she makes good urine?"

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

In my corner

I wonder where my life is going today. I've had some very weird things happen in the last 6 months. I am going in a direction, I know that- but sometimes I don't know exactly what direction that IS, exactly. Forward. That's all I know.

At least I'm not alone.

Yesterday my younger sister saved my ass BIG TIME. It's nice to have people on your side and feel that you are not alone. She and I have a pretty up and down relationship sometimes. We gossip behind each others back and gladly toss each other under the bus to create a 'parental diversion.' We hiss at each other and stomp our feet and then give a little space. A few days later, we talk like nothing happened. Good friends can do that.

I am blessed with a small handful of all-weather friends. And it's good to have these people in my corner. Because I have no clue where I'm going some days. Some days I struggle to get out of bed, and other days my life is very much like HBO After Dark. And no matter what kind of nonsense craziness I get in to- my true friends laugh with me, or cry with me. They don't try to understand me, but they love me-just because. Maybe they sigh and grumble that I have gotten myself into another emotional mess but they are not so different so we don't judge each other. They know that when thier emotional mess comes bubbling over, I will be there- to laugh with them and to cry with them.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Free Hugs

I think this is really cool. It's totally one of those Homeward Bound moments that make me cry... yeah, I'm chick like that.



Brain Lost

It's Monday. Crazy ass day at work. Strokes all over the place. Our floor, ICU and a few other floors because the hospital was full last week. FULL. No beds. ICU patients were "lined up" in the ED to get an ICU bed. And patients in ICU that were ready to go to the medical floors were waiting for people to get discharged home. It's always hectic when there is a full board.

I get in most morning and walk down to my hall, and the first thing I do is look at the wipe board. It list the patients last name, physician and room number. If the patient is on telemetry monitoriting there is a heart sticker next to him, and if they are a stroke patient, the bed number is outlined in purple.

This morning, of 25 beds, 13 had purple borders.

Ahhhh- job security.

Above my head in my office is another wipe board. It lists the patients last name, age, the status of thier MRI, and all the stroke protocol measures. I fill it it for every patient and that is how we track that patients are getting the best care. It's over my head so my boss can look up over my head and answer many of her own questions without having to ask me.

I beat everyone I know and love with stroke information. I love going to friends houses and seeing the stroke magnets we made on thier refrigerators. My dad laughs about it, but you know, someday, a co-worker is going to have a sudden onset of weakness on one side- and he's going to remember that damn magnet. And when that co-worker says, "I'm just gonna call my doctor and have him fit me in at the end of the day"- he will say, "NO!- you have to call 911!"

If you are having a stroke, there is medication to reverse it if you are a candidate for it. If you think of the blood vessels in your brain as pipes, a stroke is like a clogged pipe. The medication, tPA, is like Drain-o.

"Brain-o"

You got three hours to get the Brain-o, so for fuck's sake. Don't wait. And an ambulance or paramedics is always the best way to go to the ER in an emergency. You get through triage faster.

Go ahead, laugh at me and tell me I'm crazy for taking the time to blog this shit. I am annoying my friends with it. But you know, they will be prepared if it happens to them or someone they love. They will NOT lay down and sleep it off if all of a sudden one side of your face looks and feels like it's sliding off and you start talking slurred like you've spent all day on hopped up vodka and Ativan. They will call 911.

Maybe later they will tell me that they remembered how often I pounded them in the head with this stuff, and they won't be disabled, or have to walk with a cane, or be unable to swallow thier food. I know I linked the hell out of this page... click and read, if nowhere else, then here. Just do it!!!

And in case you refuse, then here: read the damn signs and symptoms....

Stroke is a medical emergency. Know these warning signs of stroke and teach them to others. Every second counts:

  • Sudden numbness or weakness of the face, arm or leg, especially on one side of the body
  • Sudden confusion, trouble speaking or understanding
  • Sudden trouble seeing in one or both eyes
  • Sudden trouble walking, dizziness, loss of balance or coordination
  • Sudden, severe headache with no known cause

OK- that is my PSA for this week.

I'm out, bitches!!!

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Ohh Daddy...

Did I say suggest I was going to post daily?? Shit, blew that already.

I put Alex on the plane yesterday back to his dad's. It was tough, but I didn't leave a lot of time for sad goodbyes. I thought it would be easier for him that way. His attention span tends to be quick anyway. He made it home safe, and that is good. It was a really good visit with him. He'll be back for the summer.

Today I took the younger beasties to visit thier dad and grandparents. We left this morning after breakfast and stayed most of the day. They boys had a really good time and I'm not sure who enjoyed it more, the boys, or the e-husband. We are getting along fantastically, I suppose because we are no longer living together. He looked good, kinda tired, but seeing the boys really cheered him up. I even got to take a nap!!

We brought Gabe's bike so he could show his dad his new bike riding skills, and so when he showed me the side of the house I kind of leaned against the wall and he leaned in and hugged me. It reminded me of back when we were dating and we would be at his parents house outside, making out against the side of the house. I hadn't thought about that in years. Kinda made me blush a bit.

I do feel good being around him lately, and when he's feeling ok. I am not sure if it's something in ME that feels better- or if it's because the boys seem happy. We did talk recently about 'us' and if I thought there was any chance we could work things out. I told him that I just didn't know. It wasn't even something I was thinking about. We both have so much baggage and so many issues with each other, the foundation would be just the way we left it, shaky- at best. I told him that I'm just trying to figure out my crap, and he needs to focus on getting better. Who knows- maybe after years and enough time goes by, we can really melt away the bad years. I am not one to forsee the future. God knows a lot has happened in the past 5 years that I never EVER expected in my worst or wildest dreams. But you can't plan on them, or around them.

I know that I care about the e-husband. I know that I love him, but defining that love is where it gets tricky. The love that we have for each other is simply not enough to keep it going anymore. It's like that Triangular Theory I talked about. We just don't have the components, not all of them, and not any ONE component in large enough quantities. What we do have, is history. Kind of like Post Traumatic Syndrome.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

It's Half Nekkid Thursday !!!

So no, I'm not gonna get all half-nekkid here..., but it IS HNT. If you browse the web, you'll see lots of half-nekkidness on Thursday. All kinds. It's kind of a fun little 'exhibitionist' thing. So here's my first HNT. If you go to the HNT site and click on a Thursdays post, you will see all the people who have posted HNT pics, if, you know, you are into that kinda thing. I, apparently, AM.




A little neck, and my braids. I love my braids.

So have a good night. Get nekkid!!!

Dark Meat Goth chicks not allowed

Three out of three trusted commenters say that no, Ben Stiller is not hot. Perhaps I just like my men funny. (Check out D-man and Andy, they are hella funny.)

Did I say "hella funny"??

And yes Kim, I said Peace Out. I think all the cool kids must be saying it again, cause all of my 14 year old friends on myspace have lots of pictures of themselves with the Peace sign- so I figured that it was "in" again. I so want to be in. I also want to be "goth", but apparently that is reserved for young girls, oh yeah- and white girls. I am neither. You don't see alot of Indonesian goth chicks. Fuck.

Oh well, I'm still a Hot Piece of Twat for being "dark meat-35."

I'm taking a class today with another employee that is too hot for my own good. I have my hair in braids today. I love my braids. But he keeps pulling them. Something tells me I will not be making any kind of sexual harassment report about it either. Sometimes sexual harassment is just a benefit of the job. The perks around here make up for all the sick people.

Speaking of the job. Katie Couric did a piece on The Evening News last night about Signs and Symptoms of Stroke. If you missed it, click here and read. Seriously, this is not joke. click it and read. DO IT.

Tell me what you learned, I'll give you a gold star!!

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Just checking

Am I crazy?


Or is Ben Stiller kinda hot?? Take another look...



Take a poll, ask around and get back to me...

My life as a whiny dramatic twat

So I'm going to throw out there something about myself that is not any kind of news flash, but I should remind myself of now and again.

I have been on medication for generalized anxiety disorder since May or June of "last year". About 6 months now. Anyone who knew anything about me- was supportive of me taking meds to control my 'moods' (aka: chest pains, crying spells, and overall freaking out on a daily basis). After the first two weeks, marked by hot flashes, nausea and hyperactivity, were over- I started to feel a little more normal. I think I handled my son leaving pretty well, as well as my best friend moving away- and even the remainder of the co-habitation and eventual excising of the e-husband. I "anxieteed" less. Every one is happy. Nobody gets phone calls anymore crying in the middle of the night and I think I've only tried to "eat until the hurting stops"- once.
With dinosaur fruit snacks.
Hardly even a cry for help.

So for all persons involved, the meds have been a good thing. I am a firm believer that mental 'issues' are real- even if it means I'm a bit psycho.

But lately I have stopped taking my meds. Not stopped all together, but stopped remembering to take them on a daily basis. I forget on the weekends, and then by lunch time on Monday- my chest is as tight as I WISH my ass was. My hands get shaky and I want to tell my boss, who sits facing me (our desks are facing each other like Eddie and his dead brother in Who Framed Roger Rabbit) that I want to throw a pocket full of pennies at her. I take them for a few days, then forget for a few days- on again, off again.

I admit, some of my writing gets better when I fall into this 'dark place'. I become incredibly 'creative' and sometimes insightful. However, I also become more self destructive for my own good. I have no good reason for forgetting to take these pills. I carry them in my purse. They are my American Express Card- and I jokingly refer to them as my 'bitch pills' (the Xanax are my 'crazy pills'- for those really special moments). I am not in denial, I am not resistant to treatment, I am glad to take them because I whole heartedly agree that I am a whiny dramatic twat when I don't take them. I like myself a LOT better when I'm medicated to indifference. And I think other people like me better too- cause I will actually come around people and not hide out from the cruel cruel world.

So what gives? Am I just too lazy to take the pill? Am I trying to convince myself that I don't need them? Perhaps I like the 'creativity' that I get when I don't take them. But either way, it's no way to live. I'm not going to lose my mind, or live in constant state of "chick"- just so I can write dark and dirty sex stories, albeit fantastic ones.

I work in a hospital. A patient today claimed that they ran out of meds two months ago. Hello?? No, you just stopped taking them. You "run out of meds" for two or three days. After two months, you've just stop taking them. I have a husband who was non-compliant with medications and treatment that his issues are permanent. I know first AND second hand, how much damage comes from not taking your meds. So much for my high horse. I'm just as irresponsible as the next person when it comes to a daily pill.

Now that I know I can't get knocked up, no matter how many guys I screw- the concept of a daily pill has lost it's importance.

I did take it today- for the first time in 4 days and it's like someone laced my coffee with speed. I should be back to normal tomorrow.

Oh, and I'm trying to find a good dick joke to call in to Golf Widow and Andy. The choices are endless. Any suggestions??

Peace Out.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy New Year!!



So this is my final Holidalies post. I really enjoy blogging every day. While I'm not sure that I can do it every single day of the year, as suggested by Moviequill. Perhaps I can try it out. Even if I just post a picture, or a link to something else cool that I looked at that day. hmmmm. I realize that I do like writing. I do enjoy having somewhat of a base of people that read my blog- now, I don't know if I have that- but it's not too hard to get people to come by your blog and read it. And really, waht do I have to say that is so important anyway?

But I like interacting with people and I have 'met' a few interesting people via this medium. So perhaps I will attempt to continue daily blogging. It's a guilty pleasure that hurts nobody, kind of like my love for Dawson's Creek. It gives me quick fix of 'creativity'. I have started a second blog, with some fictional things that brew in my head. Maybe even some poetry. Back in the day I wrote poetry, but it was all "love conquers all, or it's not really love" poetry, buy I won't be writing anything like THAT.

More like "I bleed, therefore I am"- poetry.

Well, no- not that either. I would be a lousy feminist. Hell, I would like a wife to cook and clean and do my laundry. What does that make me? Certainly not a feminist. Perhaps a lesbian. Well, no- not that either. At least not today.

So I'm not sure which direction I'm going to take this blog. Perhaps I can go with the some of the daily meme's that float around. You know how I love them.

Either way, if you hung around for 30 days, thanks for bumping my stats. I hope you leave me some comments, cause I love to check out other people's blogs too!!

Happy New Year everyone!!! Hope this year kicks ass for you too!