dance, pause, dance, pause

I was thinking today about getting a second job to help pay some bills. I feel like I somehow have time for this. Like I cannot afford to NOT have time for it. For all my stagnation, I'm always jumping around. Dancing from one thing to the next, it seems.

I used to dance a lot when I was younger. I was on drill team in high school, and danced with a studio. We used to compete. Yeah, back in the day I was all that. Dancing was in my blood I loved to perform. You'd never think this dark and twisty broad used to get out there at football games and pep rallies. And because I was short, I was always in front. Oh yeah, I used to be peppy! I used to wear a little skirt and cute top to school with a ponytail on the side. I was not a cheerleader, because I was small and afraid of heights, and everyone knows, the little ones are always thrown around. No thank you. So I danced. Danced my ass off.

Outside of daily drill team practice, I took 4 jazz classes and a ballet class that hated, because I had the grace of a mack truck and I got bored. We HAD to wear the traditional pink leotards to ballet. And really I preferred the high cut sexy ones that showed off my great ass back then.

About 5 years ago I saw myself on video, my aunt had some of my performances on video. And I watched them. Amazed that I was ever so thin, flexible, light on my feet, coordinated. I had a smile that went from ear to ear and I looked like I was having a great time. I remember watching it and thinking, damn, who was that girl?? I don't know if I have ever enjoyed anything as much since.

I stopped dancing after graduation. Never took another class or performed again. I was done. Some of my friends were going to try out for the Laker girls. But you know, I don't know that I was THAT good. And really, I was done. I did so much my senior year in high school. I had a boyfriend I worked with and was fucking my boss (who was NOT my boyfriend.) With drill team, and the 5 dance classes a week for the studio. The school competitions and the studio ones as well. I was a busy girl.

It occurs to me now, that perhaps I have always spread myself thin. Maybe that is why I always end up hated whatever it is that I'm doing. For several years I worked, went to school, and had a home based business as well. It's like I had to fill up every possible waking hour with SOMETHING, otherwise I get restless. My life is insanely busy right now, with work and school and the kids. And I find myself often looking into home based business and home parties I could do. For 'something to do'. I always have so much going on, that I can't focus or do anything WELL enough- and I get bored, or I start to despise it.

Maybe I have a delayed version of ADHD. Maybe I simply have not found anything that I truly love, that I am truly passionate about. I like who I am most of the time, and the roles I have. But none of them are anything that I truly feel I was BORN to do. My job is great, my kids are great, school is great- but I don't know that I'm GREAT at any of those role. Am I a great writer?- well that depends if you like what I write (different blog) enough to CALL me a writer. Some people would call it pornographic and offensive and call me disgusting and trashy. Some people have told me that I was their favorite erotica blogger. Which to me is a great compliment, but there's a certain amount of shame that comes along with getting so much joy out of something in which I would never give out my real name. Even if I COULD make lots of money from it. Hell, even enough money to pay the electric bill from it would be wicked cool. But ff I could not CLAIM it, how long would I enjoy it for??

E-husband is an artist. It's what he's passionate about. He has gone through phases where he simply did not, or could not draw or paint or create anything. But I am always amazed when he does. I don't have that. There are things I'm good at, but they aren't things that I love. And eventually I get overwhelmed, bored or just start to hate it. Dancing, candles, stamping.
Marriage.

So I guess it leave me looking, and waiting for the next song to dance to.

Intent and Purpose

I was going to do Golf Widow's meme, but as I was doing it, I was getting bored, even with my own answers. So I decided not to.

The general concensus is to ditch the rabbit. I do have another piece of the arsenal that I put in the dishwasher, twice- so I feel pretty confident that it's as clean as it will ever be. I would have taken a picture of it, next to the glasses, pyrex and the kids sippy cups, if I had a camera...

But the rabbit cannot be washed that way. I knew I should have picked the waterproof one!! Anyway, I think I will email the gal and ask her if maybe she wants another review done, there were quite a few nice toys on her site. Or I will save up to buy a new one, but until then, maybe I will put the rabbit away- maybe put it in a glass case "break in case of emergency."

---

Ok, so I got an email from Andy today and he said "for an Intents and Purposes, I am feeling better." Intents and Purposes. I have been saying, "Intensive Purposes".

"For all intensive purposes.... blah bitty blah blah blah." Now I feel stupid. Like I've been saying "nuke-yaler" or "vice-a versa" (oooh I hate that) or "irregardless" or my favorite "supposably."

Now I realize that I sound like a dumb twat, not to be mistaken with cumquat. Which really sounds equally bad, but at least it's a word.

So thank Andy for the English lesson. Next you can teach me how to spin plates, you bastard.

C U Next Thursday

Sometimes I think my sense of humor is getting more and more twisted the older I get. My step dad, being a dirty old man, introduced me to inappropriate sex jokes before I even know what they mean. Like when he called me and I said, "I'm coming" and he would say, "You are not even breathing hard." I used to think it had something to do with running. I was probably 8 when he first said that to me. He probably said it to me until days before he died. It never got old to him. I never stopped falling in to it.

I first saw Porky's via cable TV, and I had never heard the word pussy used so much. It may have been the first time I'd ever heard it like that. My mom is dutch and she used to use the dutch slang. "Pemul" (pee-mul). Now I tried looking that word up on Babelfish, and came up with nothing. I have no idea what pemul (no idea if that is how it's spelled) is dutch FOR, but apparently "vagina" in dutch is "vagina" so you tell me.... anyway.... back to it.

So I was vaguely uncomfortable with the way these teenage boys threw out the word pussy. But then later, when I saw Eddie Murphy in Delirious use the word pussy. The scene where it's being thrown at him. It didn't bother me so much. I thought it was hilarious. And then as I got sexually active, well I had to call it something. You can't just say, "me" or "there" cause you know, if I guy said "Can I touch you, there." I would have to just say no, and get out of the car. So I used pussy. And left it at that.

Just in the last year I have used and embraced the word cunt. Get over it. It doesn't hurt. Now I think that it's perfectly acceptable as another word for vag. But I know that a lot of women would FREAK out if a man called them that. Well, you know what- they do. Being a woman that is embracing of the word cunt, as a anatomy 'term' and as a 'label', let me tell you, when you get a circle of guys around- THEY use it. They say it. THEY talk about the girl parts as "cunt" and even women they don't like. Don't talk about me like I'm not here. Don't sugar it up for me. If you think I'm a cunt, say so. Chances are, you're right. Or maybe you had it coming. (no pun intended). Or maybe you are just a cunt and can't take a fucking joke.

I had a guy tell me I was cool cause I called someone a cunt. It makes me popular. The boys like me... ha ha. Suck THAT, bitches.

'Cunt' is kinda like 'Fuck' - it's got the hard consanants, you sort of say it through gritted teeth. "Fucking Cunt" - now that is awesome.

So ladies, let yourself go. It's just a word. It's a great word. It's liberating. Shock your friends, make the boys think you're cool. Next time someone cuts you off, just let it slip, you know you want to. Fucking Cunt. (Now guys, if you throw it out and get yelled at, well, I can't help you. You gotta know your audience.)

Say it loud and proud.

Report back to me.

Andy, you inspire me- you twat.

Lonely Hunter...

You may think and act compulsively today without knowing precisely why. A low mood can consume you, causing you to seek solace in the fulfillment of empty whims. The satisfaction you will likely feel upon giving in to your impulses will likely be short-lived as the hasty and erratic nature of your reactions may be the result of issues related to your past. Your behavior can be a sign of familial conditioning or other emotional baggage. If you take a long look at your feelings today, you may find that you can proceed in a manner that is contrary to your ingrained habits by making an effort to think and act consciously....Your compulsions will no longer play an active role in your experience today when you take the time to examine your emotions.

-----

Sometimes being someone who takes responsibility for her emotions and actions is a bitch. Sometimes it simply denies me the warm and fuzzies, even the warm and fuzzies are ACTUALLY pieces of past crawling on my skin, but with no intention of setting up camp in my blood.

Wow that was deep.

I was thinking that perhaps I have developed a crush on the ehusband. Even though I currently cannot live with him or even be around him for more than four days in a row, that perhaps there is a remote possibility. Remote, that I still love him, and that maybe if enough time, lots of time, months or years worth of time, passes- perhaps there is something to salvage here.

Has he changed? Well, some changes are made, yes. He is drink free, drug free. Yes. He is taking better care of his health. Is he healthy? No. He's a sick man. All sorts of sick, to where the flu will cause such severe dehydration that he ends up hospitalized, where you and I can just use some theraflu and 12-15 hours in bed. He has more issues, and so much stacked against him I almost have to give him credit for not killing himself. That is my greatest fear, that he will decide it's not worth it anymore. I cannot say that I blame him. Outside of his health, he has problems on almost every other front of his life.

What has changed, is his attitude about it, and that, strangely, impresses me. He does not blame his illness on anything or anyone but himself. Completely. It was the drinking, the pills, the drugs, the depression and his unwillingness to deal with any of it. He is ready now, even though it does appear to be too late for any positive prognosis. He will always be a type 1 diabetic, a recovering alcoholic, drug addict, with bipolar disorder. These are the facts.

But he is also my the other part of me, my husband, albeit "e"stranged-husband, whatever. He was person who actually understand why I left bruises on my skin and simply said, I know. He was one who, when I told him, "I just don't know what to do with myself today...." simply says, I know. He was the one who I called when I came home and my apartment was broken in to. I almost called him FIRST, before I called 911. He was the one who said he would be here the next morning and stay with me for a few days.

He was 'the one'. He was always the one. Since our first date, he was always the one I wanted. And I fought hard to have, and to keep. And I fought hard against letting him go, but in the end, I knew I had to. Even now, I know I still have to. While his attitude has changed, it's not enough to convince me. His moods are not always reliable. Action is a better judge of change. And yes, there are some, but not enough that I could truly let go of the past. The past is so heavily weighted on the present. Even on days like today, I know this.

Days when I see him as the one who came to help me. To protect me and make me feel safe again. Days when he is the only person I can really cry to about feeling alone and frustrated and stagnant and failed. Days when I just want to fall apart over the loss. He's the one who will go in after me and pull me out of the water, even if he saw me swimming to shore.

But I know, as often as the wonderful past will drag me back, the ugly past will keep me from staying. I know that e-husband being here was the way that I dealt with the break in. My refusal to accept that I'm alone, and that there is a danger in that. I know that it is the shock of what happened, the way I've been feeling lonely and frustrated lately. The way that the kids are driving me insane. And the fact that I know all these things about him. It's my safety net. I also know, that had he stayed a few more days and not went home today, I would have started becoming annoyed with him again. I would have started to hate him all over again and would not be able to get him out of here fast enough. I guess that is they key, keep him around until I want him to leave. Then I won't be left wishing he'd stay longer.

Perhaps he knows that too. He tends to know me better than I know myself some days. Even when I think he doesn't know me at all. So I know that while I am feeling sad that he's left, and a little confused about my feelings. I also know that it's because of the trauma. The break in. The comfort in the familiar. A rescue from my recent bout with loneliness and anxiety.

But as with all things, good AND bad, this TOO, shall pass.

They should have just taken the rabbit....

So my camera is the only thing that is missing. I did find my rabbit. You know, it's a $100 vibe and I got for free for doing a review. But now here's my question. What the hell do I do with it?

Do I USE it? I mean, I cleaned it. With toy cleaner, and with soap and water, a few times. I laughed while I was washing it, cause you know, when you stroke up and down a sex toy with soap and water, you think, hmmmm, this is familiar. But I don't know if I could ever use it again. It was not messed up. It wasn't covered in anything- it was just underneath a pile of clothes. They probably turned it on, got a few laughs or something from the fuckers who were going through my stuff. What would you do? Would you ever use it again? It's tainted. Someone I never gave permission to touch my dildo had in in their hands. It has lost it's charm.
Would it be like getting strange?? Or am I going to feel dildo raped?

How sick is it, that this is my biggest problem with the break in?? Ah, the denial.

violate

My apartment was broken in to.

Ransacked.

Violated.

Nothing was stolen. Not a thing that I can tell so far. But things were knocked over. Cabinets were broken. Drawers were pulled out and turned over. Things were pulled down out of the hall closet, and my bedroom was completely turned upside down. The sheets were pulled off the bed, my dressers were dumped.

My nightstand was emptied... and the contents of the nightstand were strewn about the room. Laides, what's it's YOUR nightstand? yeah, well, that's what was in mine- more than a few of them. A few, um, items are still unaccounted for, but I suspect they are mixed in with the clothes that are everywhere. Two bottles of "lotion" were emptied all over my floor, my clothes the wall and the bathroom floor. I called the police, and then I called ehusband. Then I called my parents to come and pick up the boys.

They were probably looking for money. Ha ha, jokes on them. I don't even have spare CHANGE lying around. But I'm freaked out. I'm trying to figure out how and why? When? And god forbid, will they be back? Obviously there is a sex crazed woman with an arsenal of sex toys who lives there.

Friday morning.... The e-husband is going to be staying with me for a few days. I just can't stay here alone for a few days. Too freaked out. My mother, with her inabilaty to show real emotion, said, "I told you this is a bad neighborhood" and "E-husband is going to freak out at all this mess." As if somehow I was to blame for the mess they caused. She also questioned me as to why I asked e-husband to stay. I told her I did not feel safe here by myself and I needed him here for a few days. She said, "Ok- Miss Independent." Yeah, when did I ever say that? I never claimed to be superwoman. I think I clearly stated that I am pretty LOUSY at the parent, working woman, student, single mom thing. Don't let the cape fool ya! It just came with the mini van.

But I'm ok. It could have been worse. They could have vandalized my new carpet, or written on my new painted walls. Someone could have gotten hurt.

Hmmmm, my camera is nowhere to be seen. And my new Rabbit is missing. Those THIEVING bastards took my new vibe!! Oh, now I'm pissed!!!!!

Bruised Thursday

A bruise. This was self inflicted, for some reason I think it's cool. At least if I'm feeling weird, I can just press on it to make it hurt- I don't have to do anything else. I did find a few others, a scratch on my shoulder where I broke the skin, but I can't get a picture of it right now.



Nothing in my life points to sanity except the fact that I can totally recognize "the crazy." Taking my regular meds, and some crazy pills for a little extra kick. But here's another picture, just to prove that I'm still sarcastic and not just dark and twisty. Life goes on. Nothing last forever. And that goes both ways.

You turned the tap dance into your crusade

The anxiety is getting to me lately. I am having a hard time staying medicated correctly. My doctor said that we ought to increase my meds, and I increased the intake for a while, but then I got lazy and stopped taking the extra half. Some days I forget all together.

It hits me fast when I forget. By the afternoon I am anxious and feeling quite vicious. Dark and Twisty I like to say, but vicious is a better way to explain it. I feel like tearing my skin. Like bleeding. I dig my fingernails into my skin, my shoulders, my arms. I grab and pull at handfuls of my hair. My skin crawls and I can't breathe and sometimes the pain sort of releases a little bit of that. I can't explain it, but I think maybe it's why people cut themselves. I don't know. I'm sure it's why men punch walls when they get angry, and they feel better as their fists break through the wall.

Now I can think of two of three people thinking, "oh crap- she's done and gone fucking nuts!" No, I haven't. I am perfectly within my grip. I'm just being honest. I am not going to take out a blade and start cutting my skin. I don't need psycho therapy. I simply need to remember to take my pills, because I obviously have anxiety issues that have not gotten better, but maybe a little worse. But I am taking care of it. Handling it.

I feel very uninspired. I'm tired all the time. I'm burned out on my life. I'm lonely. I look ahead and I have no plans. I used to have plans, and lately I have no plans. No short term plans. I don't even have plans for the weekend.

Days and weeks blend together. Here it is February already. Being e-husband-less was supposed to somehow make my life better. I don't know if that happened. It's just a different demon. I didn't know this demon. She's a twatty little bitch and I wasn't prepared for her.

Guilt, pills, and DKA

Perhaps the most severe damage to those of us who have shared some part of life with an alcoholic comes in the form of the nagging belief that we are somehow at fault. We may feel it was something we did or did not do- that we were not good enough, not attractive enough, or not clever enough to solve this problem for the one we love. These are our feelings of guilt.

Sometimes it's just important to remember. I can't feel guilty forever. Today around 9 AM, this feeling of anxiety came over me. I woke up feeling kind of hyper and in a good mood, but as it wore off as I got into my day.... the tightness in my chest began and I could feel my body temperature rise as well as my heart rate. I took half a crazy pill (Xanax) and then I picked up the phone and called e-husband. He did not answer. I left a message, checking on him. Letting him know I was checking on him since I knew he had not been feeling well. He called me about an hour later- he was in the ER.

The condition known as diabetic ketoacidosis occurs when the body has no insulin. This leaves the muscle, fat, and liver cells unable to use glucose (sugar) in the blood as fuel. Other hormones such as glucagon, growth hormone, and adrenaline cause fat to break down within the cells of these tissues into glucose and fatty acids. These fatty acids are converted to ketones by a process called oxidation. The body is literally consuming muscle, fat, and liver cells for fuel. (taken from ehealthmedicine.com)

I knew he had the flu, but the stress that the dehydration puts on his body causes his blood sugar to spike. This happens almsot every time. I knew it was coming, it was about time. Part of me wondered if it would not have happened if he was living at home. If somehow I could have been there, known he was sick and really helped him to manage it. yes, it's alot of work, glucose checks every hour- the whole deal. yes he can do this on his own, but when you've got the flu and a high fever...well, nobody is completely alert and oriented. So now he's in the hospital, because nobody was there to take care of him. And I feel guilty about it. Guilty because there is nothing I can do to help him, and I will always feel that desire to want to. Guilty because I senses that something was wrong. I sensed it all weekend. On Friday when we spoke, something in his voice said, "I'm not ok." and I did what I do best. I ignored it. At least he had the good sense to get to the Emergency Room.

He is not helpless. He did all he could do on his own, but he knew it was getting worse, so he went in. He does not NEED me. He lives on without me. I know that. I claim no glory for saving his life. But I still FEEL something for him. We are still close. I still love him. I just can't live with him anymore. I've been over all this. Right now, he is bad for me. He brings me down, I keep him down by not forcing him to get up. So I'm trying to stay up, he's trying to get up on his own. WE are not trying together, we are struggling, apart. When I don't know what to do, I do nothing. Don't make any sudden moves. Maybe it will pass.

"When two people love each other but just can't seem to make it work, when do you get to the point of 'enough is enough'?"

I can't even answer that right now- but go ahead and guess the movie.

from the "What the fuck?" files....

Don't go to Alabama to buy your new Rabbit

But you can still by a semi-automatic rifle.

Read it.

Lesbian Emporium?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

ramblings of a woman left alone....

I am tired. Tired of my life. Restless, feeling like I want to shave my head like Britney. Damn, that's brave. Her hair doesn't make her pretty, she's got a pretty face- she will survive. If she can survive K-fed, a crazy hair style choice is nothing.

They say that you have to love at least one bad man so you can appreciate a good one. What makes a man good? I have known lots of good men, who had some bad triats. Does that negate the good? I have a hard time accepting that e-husband is a "bad man." He did some bad shit, and has some bad character flaws, but is he a bad person? A bad sober person? No. So I can appreciate the good man in him, because I've seen the bad.

I'm not a man hater- I'm really not. I love men, I love all kinds of men. I especially like men I don't know very well. (spin on an "About Last Night" line) But do I trust them? No, not really. I met someone recently... seems nice enough. A few nice conversations but nothing MAJOR. I have no intentions of dating anyone right now, but the attention is nice. His situation seems similar to mine, somewhat. I just wonder what he's hiding. I am a firm believer that nice guys are hiding something. At least with a bad man, you know what to expect. It's the seemingly good ones that rip your heart out and leave you bleeding. The ones that you trust, the ones that claim they are not game players, the ones that promise to be honest, and upfront. Those are the ones who hold your heart in thier hands, and squeeze them with thier lies and thier betrayal. Yes, those are the nice guys.

Well, I have one of those already. Why start over?

I love meme's

Stole this from D-man.

1. I've come to realize that my last kiss.....
was from a three year old who needed his face wiped.

2. I am listening to.....
nothing...silence, ahhhhh- sweet silence. just the clicking of the keys

3. I talk.....
too fast, too loud and too much

4. I love.....
my boys.

5. My best friend.....
is far away.

6. My first real kiss.....
is long forgotten

8. I hate it when people ask.....
Are you ok?- when I have just yelled out "ouch, or damnit, or FUCK". Of course I'm not ok, didn't you hear me yelling??

9. Love is.....
an illusion, an addiction and a pain in the ass.

10. Marriage is.....
harder than it looks.

11. Somewhere, someone is thinking.....
is it in yet?

12. I'll always.....
want my mothers approval

13. I have a crush.....
on a girl, a guy and a few people I've never met.

14. The last time I cried was because.....
Derek jumped in and pulled Meredith out of the water and I realized that the one person that would pull me out of the water is the e-husband.

15. My cell phone.....
is something that I THINK I really need, but probably don't.

16. When I wake up in the morning.....
snooze. music. email. and shower.

17. Before I go to bed.....
check my email, and check the doors.

18. Right now I am thinking about.....
hand washing.

19. Babies are.....
a thing of my past, birthing them, that is...

20. I get on myspace.....
too often. As if I am so important to the world or something.

21. Today I.....
had a good sandwich for lunch.

22. Tonight I will.....
blog and go to bed early. Wild and crazy me.

23. Tomorrow it will be....
Saturday and most likely nice enough to motivate me to go outside.

24. I really want to be.....
younger, thinner and richer.

25. Someone that will most likely repost this is.....
Kim.


reposted from myspace.

On a clear day...

You can see the smog in LA.

It's a gorgeous day in Southern California. Assuming you don't work in Los Angeles.



See that brown haze? That's the smog in LA. But see the blue sky? That's where I live and work. Blue skies. It's supposed to be 83 degrees today. Fucking awesome.



See that 73? That's where I am.

Have a great weekend!!!!!

Half Nekkid Thursday

Ok so if you are family, and don't want to see it don't click the picture.... it's that simple. Those are the rules. My blog, rules. MWAH!!!!

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday. Get Half Nekkid!!!!

Happy Valentines Day....

Happy Valentines Day.

Yeah, whatever.

Take a good look at my face...

But does Smokey Robinson look sort of possessed to anyone but me?? Is that too much botox? Does that man even blink??



it's creepy.

Rainy Day Movie review

This morning I watching Herbie Fully Loaded (2005) with the Beasties. We are actually watching it a second time.

Ok, how can I say this without sounding bad? Hm, well- I guess I will just say it. I love this movie. Really love it. I used to love Lindsay Lohan when she was a Disney Girl. I loved her in Freaky Friday, even that Teenage Drama Queen movie was pretty fun too. And Parent Trap- oh, loved it more than the original. I am not going to discuss my disappointment at her Britney-esque descent into hoe-ism. I hope it's just a phase and she decides to put some panties on and decide that she wants to be more like some of the child stars who have made it, rather than those who cannot be taken seriously. Then again, if I looked like this, I'd probably slut it up a notch.

So this is just a fun movie that has a little something for everyone. The Beasties love the cars and the racing and the silly moments were tolerable and fun. I am so glad to get a break from watching Cars, for the 4 thousandth time. Matt Dillon, who is still hot- no matter what. (Wild Things...mmmmm.) The music is pretty good, even though Disney pulled a Disney for the CD and put remakes instead of the original artists. Van Halen's "Jump", and Loverboy's "Workin for the Weekend" were great choice for this movie. There's some good old 'girl power' in there. And I'm always a sucker for someone with Daddy issues. I found myself a bit choked up, yeah- I said it. And you know, if Michael Keaton was my Daddy, well that's a whole different rating system...



Yummmmmmyyyyy

Hey guess where I am???

The e-husband called me today and he was at Rincon. He went with his parent who were going anyway and invited him along. When he called I was pondering the consequences of knocking the boys heads together. Would they fall backwards and possible be quiet for a little while- or just scream louder. It was a toss up. Between their fighting of cars, refusing to eat what they BEGGED me to make for dinner, and me just trying to put down a cup of coffee while browsing sex blogs, my hands were a bit full.

So when e-husband called and said he was at Rincon, and having a great time, lets just say I was less than excited for him. Gee, e-husband, I'm glad that you can get out and have some kid free fun?? What's THAT like?

E-husbands first hospitalization, 11 days back in 2000, was spent first detoxing and then getting all his food via IV since his pancreas was shot to fuck. By day 5, he was dreaming about food. I had taken time off of work, and would go out and grab lunch, and then go back to the hospital with fast food burgers, fries etc. And eat it, right in front of him. His poor IV'ed ass could just watch me. At the time I didn't notice the seething in his eyes. And really, at that point I already felt justified to make him suffer. But I realized later that it was kind of a crappy thing to do.

Well, I think we are even on that one now!!


Here's another Valentines Gift to give, in case you guys can't think of something on the fly because it's 4PM on the 14th and you thought you could just swing by the flower store- ha, WRONG!!! It's better than those lame LOVE coupons. This is one that I think she might like to cash in, cause really, everyone wins and she won't hear you groan when she actually WANTS that 1 hour massage you promised via coupon.



You know, it's Valentines day this week I was gonna blog this week about LOVE... Not love, like anxiety ridden, tear your heart out, internal bleeding love- but you know, well love related crap, or why I have given up on love and decided to trade it in for mindless sex with random partners. You know, good love stuff. Dirty love. My favorite.

Speaking of Dirty Love, here's a new kind of love song. I love Jack Black. Not work safe.

Half Nekkid Thursday- Danny's Debut

IS this cheating?? Well damn, I'm tired. And you know, it's cute!!

Danny is totally on his way to a profitable career making "Boys Gone Wild" videos. Sniff... makes a mama so proud!!

huh- did you say something?

Holy fuck. I'm in class. Sitting in class and finding that having a laptop is the KEY to survival to this class. He has some sort of accent, I'm not sure what it is. But his enunciation is bugging me.

Meta-BOL-ism. Metah-BALL-ism. No, that is not right. Met-AB-o-lism. ugh. He's been talking for over an hour, he has not yet gotten to the first slide of the powerpoint presentation. I want to strangle him with his neck tie. He has 5 pens in his pocket. In case he has to write, A LOT.

Every semester there is a class that I loathe. Usually it's the class that has a group project, an annoying classmate, or math. I have heard that the tests are take home, that all he does is ramble for three hours and we go home. But I think that THIS is the class I will loathe, because I want to throw a dictionary at this guys head, or a thesaurus, or some other heavy book with hard binding. I know, I'm being twatty. This is a boring topic. I've chosen a boring major. But does it have to be a death sentence? Do I have to DIE every Wednesday night for the next 16 weeks?

Apparently, I do. I'm in a quality improvement nightmare. Wake me in time to study for midterms.

Fate is a cunt

This picture looks like my old doctor. It would make sense that he would see things this way. I think life would be easier if it were like Sudoku. Everything has it's place and order. It simply has to fit. But sometimes, it just doesn't.

I don' t know if I trust fate. I think fate is a cross-dressing whore. 10 years ago I got together with the man who I thought was the love of my life. We came back together and I thought it was fate. That we were somehow destined to be together. And so yeah, we're together- and we will always be connected. But this is hardly what I had in mind.

It's like The Monkey's Paw. Watch what you wish for. It's not just about finding someone to love with all your heart and soul. I truly did, love e-husband with all my heart and soul. I got what I wanted. A man who loved me more than anything in the world. I know that he did. I know that he DOES. But that doesn't solve anything. Not a god damn thing.

I don't even know where this is coming from today. It's not even about him. My issues with fate and destiny and all that are not about him at all. He was just an example. But my point still stands. How do you know what is destiny and what is just a wish on an evil talisman?

Life is unfortunately not like Sudoku. I think it's more like a poorly crafted crossword puzzle. The numbers are all fucked up and the squares don't line up. You know the answers, but they don't fucking fit anywhere.

Who's Your Daddy??

Itunes is a sickness. I am hooked. I can't do it any other way. I was at Target looking at music and I thought, well I can put something together on itunes. This morning I ventured in. Just a few, I told myself. Just the new song from the Killers, and a country song I love, Past the Point of Rescue. So ok, I get on. I click. I click more. and more.

Some more Depeche Mode, Garth Brooks, where the hell is Garth Brooks? He's NOT on itunes? Figures. Remember his whole used CD deal? Whatever. Dicksmack... hmm Chris LeDoux, hey Toby Kieth, ... can't forget the Killers. Oh, and that one too.

So $20 later. I'm satisfied, I'm calm, I'm drunk on music. ahhhhh.....

Oh fuck, I forgot something...

Do it your damn self!!!

This morning I proved to myself that I rock. I fucking rock!! I built my pantry. Did I mention that I got a pantry? Well, I did. My refrigerator is too big for the space the apartments gives so the fridge is someplace else and I have this 'space' where the fridge is supposed to go. I had these horrible cubes there and I hated them and they were flimsy. So my parent picked up this pantry for me. E-husband was supposed to build it for me last weekend, but...well, anyway....

So I was bitching about the fact that I have no man to build this pantry for me. Woe woe woe is me... I thought MAYBE I could put it together, the box says, "assemble in minutes"- so I open the box and the first thing I pull our are TWO bags of screws and stuff. Ummmm. yeah, back in the box- maybe not.

Well today, before coffee I decided to give this thing about look. I took everything out of the box and surveyed the contents. Perhaps it wasn't too daunting, but maybe I should have my coffee first. Well, let me just put the pieces together. Well, let me just get started...



12 screws later, I have the two side and three shelves. Not a bad start. The holes were predrilled , so I knew were the screws went. Gabe and Danny were fascinated with my project (and my tools!) and wanted to help. So the back panel needed to be hammered in, so I started the nails, and let the boys hammer them down. Danny had a harder time hammering them in, but he seemed to know HOW to use the claw to pull the nails OUT! Hmmm, go figure.







The doors were the hardest part. Those holes were not exactly drilled, but a little hole was dug so you knew were to go. So there I am, with the little screws and my new screwdriver- turning and pushing into the side- pushing and turning, waiting for the wood (ply) to give way. I'm putting all the weight my arm will give me at that angle, and cursing, "come on, you bitch." It was a rush when I would see the plywood dust start to gather and fall below as the screw went through it.

"That's right- give it up for mama!"



I was actually AROUSED by my ability to get this done! I think it's like when guys get wood over a table saw.



I put the whole thing together. The handles, the hinges for the doors, all of it. It was fucking awesome.

I mean- how much do I rule?!?!?!?

Shopping Therapy

So since I can't buy a new car or a plane ticket without serious remorse, I did manage to do a little shopping therapy last night. I was feeling crappy. Anxious and just twisty. Lonely I guess really. But anyway, I decided to do some shopping. Here's what I bought.



New pillows. There were not expensive pillows, but they are new and fluffy. It occurred to me last night also, that I can either NOT REMEMBER the last time I purchased pillows, or maybe I have never done it before. It's been THAT LONG. But they are really comfy and the my pillow cases are bursting at the seams.




New Panties. Just one pair of these pretty ones. But that is all you get to see of them. Happy Half Nekkid Thursday, bitches.

And my favorite purchase of the night, and maybe of the week:




Fuck yeah! I got tools. I needed a tool set here in the house. E-husband left me some, but I am bitter about them. Look, there's clamps. I just want something I have to CLAMP. I want some decent tools and I WANTED the electric screwdriver. I need to buy another hammer though. I don't like the sissy GIRL hammer. I don't want any tool that also comes in PINK. I want a hammer that says "I've Got Balls!" A hammer that, if a GUY sees it, he will say, "Wow- that's a nice fucking hammer."

and I can reply....

"Yeah, wanna nail me?"

Douchebag and Dicksmack!

Hey, this shit is funny.

Go check out Andy and Golfwidow. It's not rocketscience people. They make me laugh. Let them make you laugh.

Big pimpin....