I can only disappoint ONE person every day- and today is YOUR lucky day!!!

I have been emailing links to The Panda Cam all week. It's just so darn cute. I didn't think I gave a damn about the Panda's or at least why it was world news, but you know, I find myself spending a lot of time watching that baby and mama.

So I have been just fried lately. Feeling overwhelmed and apathetic and like I just can't keep up with my life, not cause I'm so busy and SO important, but just cause I don't have the mental energy to give everything enough attention, so I'm not giving ANYTHING enough attention. I have been absent from my friends, subpar in my work, barely dedicated to my education. I feel like all the balls are going to hit the floor soon. I need to give myself some breathing room- and allow myself the opportunity to do A FEW THINGS right, instead of doing EVERYTHING wrong. One day last week I told my boss, "You know- I just don't think I can disappoint anyone else today- so you are going to have to give me break."

I've decided to make some changes in how I manage my time- and I think it will help me feel less overwhelmed. It's hard to back off of my commitments- even if it's just a few of them. I feel like I am failing. Like I couldn't cut it- and that people are going to say, "well, good for you for knowing what's best" but then be THINKING "I KNEW she would break under all this pressure."

I guess it's my time to lose it. I've been asking for quite some time now, when is it going to be ok for me to fall apart, when is it MY turn for the emotional breakdown? Apparently, the time has come.

Bring on the booze,
and the hot 21 year olds....
Mama's havin a meltdown.....

Hands off.

This morning I was listening to Marianne Williamson on Oprah and Friends. I have read some of her books. She is very inspiring. And she was talking to Wayne Dyer , who I am not familiar with, but he is another spiritual guru of sorts. They talked about forgiveness and the situation with the school shooting in that Amish community. How the families of the victims embraced that family of the gunman and how that truly is a sense of wholeness when you can forgive such things. He spoke as a recovered addict, and having had worked with addicts as well. That always catches my attention because I have a lot of respect for those who can survive the ultimate hell that is addiction. To me, these people are fighters and have just as much strength and courage to fight as those who battle other diseases.

They spoke about being in dark places, and simply feeling that. Being IN that dark place and not grasping. Not fighting the situation, and just accepting it. Being there and not struggling to escape it. He spoke of one the core concepts in AA- which is Let Go and Let God. Before I had a higher power, I struggled with this- because my questions was "Let God do WHAT?"

He also said something that seems so simplistic, but I'm sure very true for those that live it. That the only problem we truly have is being disconnected from our higher power. (He said God) I thought about that on my drive to work- and asked myself the question I have asked time and time again.

Who is your higher power today, Julie?

Pastor Ed told me that your higher power is whatever you spend the most time thinking about. Which is a pretty scary thought, but really, whatever that is, is what drives you. What motivates you and what dictates a lot of what you do. Regardless how good or bad it is, it is what it is. And I have learned that to Let Go and Let God means, let go of whatever it is that I can't handle, and let my higher power do it for me. Now if I am going to do that- I better have a higher power that is not self destructive. I better not put all my eggs into a basket with a hole in the bottom.

On to my point....
This evening I found myself wrapped up and feeling like I was trapped. I had information, and with this information I created fear that I was going to be faced with a situation that I would not handle the way I should handle it, assuming that I was called to handle it.

So stressed out and panicked, I made a phone call to a trusted friend... who listened and then said, "I am trying to figure out exactly HOW this is your problem?" Laugh laugh laugh... but she was right.

I later called my Al-Anon friend- and as I was telling her the story, in a little more detail cause that's what we girls d0- it came clear to me that I had information that I LOOKED FOR. Nobody offered it to me. I was afraid of receiving a phone call to deal with a situation that I was not even included in- and worrying about poorly handling a decision I was not even being called on to make.

Christine calls this borrowing trouble. I think mine is on lease with an option to buy. Either that or it's purchased with a no return policy. Either way. I realize that this situation is not my problem. The information I have, does nothing. It does not change anything for me. If I had it or not, the way I should behave does not change. And really- nobody has asked me to do anything. What the hell am I getting so worked up about???

So I have to let it go. The information, the problem, the phone call, the dilemma. Let it go. It's not on my plate. It's not my problem, and if it becomes my problem it's because I accept it to take on. I have choices today and after much fret and debate I am choosing to let it go. I will deal with a decision when one is needed from me, until then. Hands off.

That's the beauty of detachment. It allows me to do nothing, if I am not required to do anything. It gives me the permission to keep my head where my feet are and not worry about what is going on over there. It tells me that I SHOULD mind my own business and let other people deal with thier own lives and thier own consequences. I know that I am very grateful when people give me the dignity to live my own life, not matter how much they think I am screwing things up. I am not abandoning anyone, I am allowing someone else the freedom to make mistakes.... wow- I could talk this out until I break out in fucking song.....

But you know what I mean....

This is the freedom from the bondage of self.

Man, I love this Program.

Comfort in chaos...

Yesterday I asked why I was so unhappy, and not too long after, I figured it out.

My husband came over last night to spend some time with the boys. He had been at his sisters over the weekend and came by last night so I could study and he was going to give the boys dinner, a bath and get them in bed. It was unclear if he was going to sleep in thier room or if he was going to go back to his sisters but it made no difference to me.

The boys however, decided to morph into demon spawns and were just impossible all day. In retrospect I should have taken a break from studying mid day and taken them to the park or something to blow off steam- but you know, mom's got a midterm this week... Anyway, by the time husband showed up- I was on my last nerve and the boys were also frustrated and hard to deal with. In the end, he was frustrated with them as well. He and I were yelling at each other. The kids were angry about being put to bed.

And I felt...

strangely...

settled.

I went to bed before I even asked if he was staying overnight with the boys- and I slept, SOUNDLY, for the first time since he left. And I didn't wake up once until the alarm went off this morning.

For so many years I have been living with so much chaos and hostility that I am used to it. I know how to live in this battle zone. I can hear the voices of my friends telling me what I already know.... unhealthy. destructive. codependent. sick sick sick.

I know.

But this is why I am unhappy, because I am out of my comfort zone. It's not up to anyone to define my comfort zone. This is what I know. Disappointment, turmoil, hostility and anger is what I am used to. Eventually I will find comfort in the things that are supposed to comfort me, but until then- I have no choice but to keep following the idea that things will get better in time. Because I can't slip backwards to that life of chaos- because it's the life I am trying to escape and I can't forget that.

Again, doing the right thing, rarely feels as good as it should.

Step One....

It went to a meeting yesterday- the first in a long time. I said that I would, as soon as Michael moved out. I really needed it. The comfort I received walking in the room. The understanding and love in my Saturday group is better than any other meeting I've ever been to. I closed my eyes and listened to the opening readings- letting the words stick to my heart and willing them to perfuse into my blood stream.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.

I have admitted my powerlessness over alcohol. And over most things. I have control issues, of course, but I realize that I cannot control other people. I cannot fight someone elses demons and I cannot force anyone to think, act or feel a certain way.

Is my life unmanageable? In some ways, not so much. What other people have seen as crazy and unheard of in my life- was simply my way of coping. I am sure that I could have thrown my husband out long ago- not given him time and not allowed him to take advantage of me for a few more months. But I didn't do it for him as much as I did it for me. Today, I can live with my decision. A few months ago, I don't think I could have. Oddly, there IS a method to my madness- and I think for me, it's all about the BIG PICTURE. Making myself happy right now sounds great, and usually feels great- but I think it takes greater sacrifice to be happy in the long run. So I can suffer a little in the short term, if I truly believe there will be less emotional consequences in the long term.

But back to my original question. Is my life unmanageable? It must be, because now that I have got what I wanted, I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of me. Nothing FEELS important to me right now. I seem to care less and less about the goals that I had. Going to school has lost it's charm. For all I try to do to kick start my motivation, it's just not there. I don't care. Some days I just want to quit- and why? So I can get more sleep. So I have LESS to do. Because I just don't care right now.

Of course, I won't quit. Of course I will keep moving forward and just finish what I started. I'm so close. Next semester I will be a senior in college. I will be applying for graduate school. I will have my masters degree before my 40th birthday. 6 months ago that was the biggest thing I could imagine for myself. Today I am just wondering if it will be worth the extra $20K it is going to cost me.

I have an overwhelming urge to bail. To get in my car and drive and drive until I end up in a new life. I'm restless and I'm exhausted. I know that I am not pleasant to be around. Is this depression? Anxiety? A mid life crisis? I don't know. I feel that I am in a constant state of PMS and even if people want to be around me, I am convinced that they don't.

Going back and forth with what I think I'm feeling- I can't pinpoint exactly what. It's like dropping a bag of marbles on the floor- they scatter and roll in every direction. My life has a lot of promise right now. And yet, it is still unmanageable because I have no appreciation for it.

I am on the verge of everything good.

Why am I so unhappy?

Don't you remember the day, that you went away and left me?

Wasted Days and Wasted Nights
I have left, for you, behind.
Cause you don't belong to me.
Your heart belongs
to someone else.

Why should I keep loving you,
When I know that you're not true?
And why should I call your name
When you're to blame
For making me blue....

====

Freddy Fender died. My dad loved him. He used to sing this song, and "I'll be there before the next teardrop falls."- which still makes me cry whenever I hear it because I think it was his favorite.

600 calories of dinosaur shaped snacks

I decided to get involved at school. I was sitting in the Health Care Administration Student Forum, with the other people in my academic program. I have had one class with almost everyone in that room. These are my academic peers- and I don't even know most of thier names. I am the last one in to class, and usually out the door without talking to anyone.

I was hoping to go to college, get good grades, get my degree and get out. Keep my head down and my mouth shut, don't get involved. I am too old to benefit from the college experience. And while I believe that it many ways that is true- I realized that I am denying myself good opportunity by not getting involved. So perhaps I will join the Student Forum next week. Maybe volunteer for some of the charity stuff that they are doing. I joined the Leadership Academy tonight, which seems to be a series of 'training/enrichment" seminars that will help you in your career. I signed up for 4 of the 8 seminars I need to take to complete the whole thing. It will look good on my Graduate School application and the seminars are things like "Creating Vision" and "Multiculturalism" and stuff like that so I'm sure I will learn. Also I get to wear some fancy thing at Graduation. And I like fancy things.

So I am trying to be positive about it and not change my mind. I feel a wreck tonight however. I just ate a box of fruit snacks. It's the only thing sweet in the house. A whole box. That's like 60 fruit snacks. That's way too many fruit snacks!! And for all I was hoping it would do to me, with my "Eat til it stops hurting" philosophy- it really only made me feel kinda sick.

Conversation with fear.

I was reading my daily OM this morning and it talked about Fear and that fear is there for a reason, it tells us that we are on the edge of our comfort level. And then it says something about conversing with fear for a greater understanding of the changes. Talk to the fear. I wonder what my fear looks like? I see her as a child. Me as a child. How would that conversation go?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Hello Fear. We are going to take a walk.
Where are we going?
Someplace new.
Do we have to go?
Yes.
Why?
Because we can't stay here any longer. It's not safe here.
How do you know it's safe there where we are going?
I don't.
Well then why do we have to go?
Because I know that it's not safe here.
I can't.
We have to.
I don't want to.
You have to trust me.
Trust YOU? Why should we trust you? All of your best efforts have gotten us here. To this place that is not safe. Why should we trust you??
Because I am the lesser of the two evils.
What if we get lonely?
We probably will.
What if we need help?
We probably will.
What if we get our heart broken?
We might.
So give me a better reason why we have to go there?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=


She makes a compelling argument. My "inner child" has always been kind of a whiny little bitch.

Think of a man, then remove all reason and accountablity.

Sometime I just can't help how I feel. No matter how much logic I apply to the situation, I can't help but just feel my feelings. Today is kind of like a wave and I can't seem to swim, or walk towards shore.

My husband, having been in the hopspital all last week and not packed, ready to move out, as discussed, agreed and promised- came home from on Saturday, went straight to bed and didn't get up again until this morning. His parents showed up to pick him up and he threw a few boxes of clothes together and grabbed his medications. Leaving everything else. He said good bye to the boys and to me he said, "See ya"- without even looking at me. I know I can't exactly be his best friend or anything- I mean, when I was bringing him clothes to the hospital, buying his cigarettes, and giving him money- well aint she sweet... but now, I guess that's over and I should not expect any niceties.

His mother barely spoke to me and his father did not even say hello. I don't know if they are angry at me, or just at the situation. I gues they have to take sides. Either way- it's always great to feel like a wretched bitch- and he played his card perfectly by sinking into his depression just in time. I can set my watch by it. So now he looks like the sick victim, and I look like a bitch. It was hard to see him say good bye to the boys- Gabe seemed to know that something was happening. He cried as soon as he left. I've been crying all day. I'm not even sure why.

I think I will feel a little better tomorrow, or maybe the day after that....

Today I feel kind of lousy. Guilty-lousy. Angry-lousy. I think after all the time we've spent together. All the chances I gave him, all the leeway, after everything that son of a bitch put me through- I think he should have had the decency to leave with some dignity. He has no right to carry on that way, like he is being thrown out onto the streets. Don't limp away, groaning with every step (apparently he was in some sort of pain) as if I had just finished beating him with a shovel. Don't be such a goddamn pussy about it. You screwed this up. You destroyed this family, this marriage and this woman so don't walk outa here like you were the victim, cause I DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR YOU!!!!! Now take off your dress, strap on a pair and BE A FUCKING MAN FOR A CHANGE!!!

Hm, I feel a little better already.....