Is it Thursday already???

So first things first...

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!!



Soooo that's out of the way.

I want to blog daily, but some days I have nothing to add. You don't want me here rambling like a freakin idiot do ya?? I got nothin today, but feel free to check out my rack again. :)


Have a great Thursday, get Half Nekkid!!!

Moment in the sun

The sun was coming right down on my skin. Gabe was playing in the pool in front of me, running across the backyard and cannonballing into the foot of water in the little pool. Danny was drawing with chalk between wading in the pool. A cool breeze came through the canyon and cooled the sun off my skin. I laid back on the lounge chair and turned on my ipod.

It was like a scene from a movie or a book. I was feeling calm and quiet. The heat of the sun poured through my skin and I stopped to feel it on my face. Life seemed peaceful for the moment and I let myself start to think about the days past.

Heavy conversations replayed in my mind. Advance directive. Hospice Care. Cremation. My calm and diplomatic demeanor as I gave my logical opinions and understanding. Detached and sensible, I promised to make sure his wishes were followed through, no matter what. We both know that it's coming, eventually. Maybe 10 years, maybe 5 years, maybe 1. I was strong through the conversations, holding his hand and pretending to be unmoved by the conversation that I never thought I'd have at 35.

Prince sang in my ears and I watched the boys play- wondering how much they would remember of their father. Knowing that I remember so little of my own. Knowing that it would be up to me to tell them stories of their dad. Happy stories of good times we spent. Inside jokes and how we fell in love.

I only wanted to see you laughing in the Purple Rain.

The song ended, just as I realized that I had never really heard it before.

I wondered if he ever spent a happy day with me. If he ever loved me as much as I once loved him. If he would ever know that there was a time I would have given my life just to see him free from the demons that plagued him. I would have sacrificed my fucking soul to free him from the demon alcohol, and the god damn monsters that followed. everything. every-fucking-thing.

It was never enough, I told myself, in the silence between songs. Everything I had to give was never enough to save him, or any of us. I closed my eyes and drifted away- feeling the sun burn my skin before the cool breeze would come to blow it away.

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

We all have moments of weakness. Times when our walls simply cannot hold back what is behind them. It's hard to accept that love is not enough. That it never was enough. I watched as both boys played in the pool. Knowing that the same sun was beating down on their tender flesh- their skin was still new to the heat it would withstand in the upcoming years. And while a cool breeze would blow the heat away, it may still be hotter to them, than it was to me.

The trees blew in front of me and I watched Gabe shiver from it, but for the moment I felt nothing but the scorching sun. No cool breeze to soothe my burning skin. No wind to carry away my memories. Only the tears as they rolled down my cheeks.

Space Invaded

or Trapped in Temecula

I'm not exactly sure if I'm having a good weekend or not. It's not BAD. I'm staying in a really nice house. Cable TV, internet, and so much food I can't even decide what I want to eat. The inlaws are in Laughlin, and the e-husband and I are staying in our neutral corners and the kids are pretty well behaved. I guess if I were at home, I'd be cleaning house. We haven't made it to the lake- but I think trying to take them alone might be an exercise in futility, besides, the kids are having a blast playing in the little pool that grandpa bought for them. I set up the pool and spray them down with the hose, while I manage to soak up some sun as well. Workin on that 'base tan.'

I remember when I was younger, maybe 13- I would spend the afternoon laying out in our backyard. I'd set up a lawn chair recliner and my radio and some iced tea and I'd lay out in the sun, listening to The Countdown, American Top 40- covered in Tropical suntan oil. Not an ounce of sunblock, just oil. I remember that it was boring as hell, just laying there, but I wanted to tan. I still find laying out to be kind of boring. When I'm hanging out, talking, drinking or reading, it's fine because I'm doing something. But I never understood just laying there for hours and hours. I think I would be thinking of all the other things I should be doing.

Which is why I enjoy being here. Because while I'm not doing anything- if I was at home, I would not be able to not do anything. As it is, I have a mental list of the things I need to do when I get home. But that's not until tomorrow.

For now, I will just invade his space and enjoy the loaded fridge!! This is closest I have to a vacation, so I will enjoy what I can!!

Half Nekkid Scrubs

The problem with scrub tops with buttons is that they don't stay closed. At least not for me. I usually secure it with a safety pin.

My, what beautiful arteries you have!!

Today was the Stroke Awareness day in the hospital. By all accounts, I must say that it was a HUGE success. Our target attendance was 300. We decided we would be happy if there were 200.

We had 520.

FIVE HUNDRED AND TWENTY PEOPLE came down to our humble little Stroke Awareness event and we (our team of wonderful nurses who volunteered thier entire day to do this) educated 520 people about the signs and symptoms and risk factors for stroke. We had blood pressure and blood sugar checks as well as Carotid Ultrasounds (all free). So all day I walked around and talked to people and asked them, "Did you get your screenings? How are your arteries?" And the tech who does the screenings for us, this gorgeous boy, is so sweet and kind of flirty. He was telling these 50 year old veteran nurses that they have the arteries of a 21 year old, and they come out of the screening area blushing and going on about their beautiful arteries. Personally I think the opportunity to get behind the privacy screen with him was the main reason most of us bothered.

We did identify at least 5 people with diabetes (meaning that thier blood sugar was above 200) so they will hopefully be following up with their physicians too- and you know, if we helped to avoid a stroke or even some other diabetes related complication in these three people, then the day was totally worth it. There is something so rewarding about this type of community education. For all the hard work, and the fact that my feet are so sore I can hardly walk, today was, without a doubt, my best day at work at any job I've ever had. This kind of thing is why I took this job and why I want to work in health care- even if I'm not a nurse. We reached people and educated them, 500+ of them, and I was so proud of how well it turned out. I coordinated the majority of the entire event and there were NO snags. It could not have worked out better and I am so so SO proud of myself for what we did today.

At least five peoples lives were changed today. At even though diabetes is not exactly good news, catching it, before it catches you- certainly is. I hear or see these big events when people say, "if I help just ONE person, it's worth it" and I think, those are not very good statistics. But I think those five people are grateful and it was worth it to help them.

I'm exhausted now, and I could sleep for a week, but I have to finish this paper. My finance final is just going to be a casualty. Studying would just be a waste of precious sleep time.....

I'm going off the rails...

God damn- Ozzy Osbourne is performing on Jimmy Kimmel. Damn, he still fucking rocks!!!

I am taking a break from studying and then I'm going to cram for one more hour. I've got two more days of studying but I needed a quick pick me up cause the soda and two cups of coffee were not quite cutting it.

So I had myself a quickie, and now I'm ready for more... studying that is.

Have I mentioned that May is Stroke Awareness Month?? I'm sure I did. I'm sure I've mentioned the signs and symptoms of stroke- and what you should do when you think you're having a stroke right?? Facial Droop, Arm or Leg Weakness, Sudden trouble speaking or understanding... call 911. Right- we covered that?? ok. good. just so you know. Just so I've done my part to educate blogland on the #1 cause of disability. but you know that right??

So today I got a bit of bad news. Really it wasn't bad news for me, but bad news for my brother, and really it was just unfortunate news for him- nothing that really changes his life. Someone he cares about is in trouble, and he knows he can't help her- even though he wants to. It's all very co-dependent and if anyone knows co-dee, it's me!!! So at one point in this evening, I got very angry at the boys. Of course at the moment, I cannot recall why- but I know that was very frustrated. So I stopped for a moment and thought- ok, what can I do to calm down? So I reached out, just like learned so long ago in program. I called my brother to see how he was doing. I told him that I was thinking of him, and wanted to see how she was doing, and how HE was feeling. Regardless of if problems are or are not ours to solve, we still care. I know that many of the sibs and certainly not my mother do not always understand the thought process of the co-dependent person. It simply is not so easy to just accept that it's not my problem, and feel nothing. We feel what we feel, you can't tell us how to feel- as long as we don't DO anything, turn ourselves inside out to try to FIX things. Sometimes we still try to fix, but nobody is perfect. But anyway, I reached out to my emotionally stunted brother and told him that I was sorry, and that I understand how hard this must be for him to feel helpless. I think he was glad that I called, and glad that I did not tell him what he should do.

I have learned to despise being told what I SHOULD do, what I SHOULD think, what I SHOULD feel, or how I SHOULD react. It's taken me a long time to be able to do, think, feel and react without being afraid of how it will affect someone else. Don't should on me.

so you better treat her right,,,

I'm in the middle of midterms and of course this week is Neuroscience Nurses Week AND the week of the Stroke Awareness Day in the hospital that I have so bravely taken on the responsibility of coordinating like super women. Yeah, the things that will determine my education and my career- all in the same week. wheeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

I am working on balancing a little at a time. For instance I worked on my Marketing final for half the day, worked on my 8 page Quality Improvement Paper this evening, and tomorrow I will add Finance to that mix- dabbling in that a bit, until Wednesday night. Wednesday the paper is due and my Marketing Exam, as well as the Stroke Awareness Day- so that means I can spend all Wednesday night and Thursday studying for my 5PM Finance exam.

Friday, I rest. And Saturday I take the boys and we spend a few days with the e-husband at his parents place by the lake. Ahhh, three to four days of three OTHER adults watching the boys and I am there merely to supervise and as backup. I have been told that I can nap, write, or even visit friends that live in the area. If the weather is nice, we will actually go in the lake, but there's also a pool, a park, and a mini-golf course nearby. It's almost like a vacation- but one that I don't have to pay for. I am looking forward to it like you would not believe. I may even get a haircut. I plan to watch movies, nap, write and maybe start some potty training stuff, so that the following weekend (which I have also arranged as a 4 day weekend) I can get Daniel potty trained. I find this to be so challenging, and Daniel for all of his cuteness, is really a little trouble maker. Behind that cute little smile is the makings of a jewel thief. (I still think his middle name should have been "Ocean"- I should have been braver cause that is what I really wanted.)

Speaking of being braver, I managed to get out of that Biggest Loser Competition. I admit that I did not want to do it and I felt guilted into doing it. But I said I would and I had every intention to go along with the team that we put together. On thursday one of that gals seemed like she didn't want to do it. When she realized she would have to come in on her day off to weigh in, she decided against it. So I told the other girl, as I was leaving, "If you find someone else to be on our team, then we can all go in tomorrow to weigh in. Let me know, leave me a note of something if you find a third person." When I came in on Friday, there was no note- so I got out of it. I planned to be brave and stick it out if I had to- but I am relieved that I don't have to. Next time I will simply smile and say. "Maybe I am allergic to exercise and eating right but perhaps you need to go on the "Shut the fuck up" diet, cause that would benefit us both.

How did I get into this big fat mess??

So I joined a team for this Biggest Loser thing at work. Three people to a team and the most percentage of weight loss to total body weight wins. $25 per person. I am not sure why I joined, I think I felt a little bit of pressure. My boss was very excited about doing it and asked me but I originally declined. I tend to feel too much pressure praying or dieting in groups. After a few (more than one) comments being made about me being allergic to exercise and eating healthy, I was both mortified, angry and hurt. I don't know what made me decide to do it- but I suspect it was Guilt and and her twatty sister Shame.

So I have to figure out a way to change my outlook on this otherwise it will totally backfire and I will just gain weight.

On a much gloomier note, the e-husband is being released from the hospital today and he's about as cheerful as a deer at a gun rally. He's only staying until tomorrow morning- and I had plans tonight- so much for that. sheesh...

I promise I will have a more cheerful post soon.

the sweetest of emotion

I think, that sometimes in the midst of the busy day, the diaper changing and AWA (ass wiping assistance) and cleaning up toys, making sandwhiches and the list goes on.... I sometimes get busy and forget to appreciate the amazement that is my children. The way they laugh and learn and can truly be enthralled with the simplest of things. Sometimes, it simply takes someone ELSES child to remind me. These were in my mail box this morning.







This is the newest member of my our family, I guess he's my second cousin, although I'll be his aunt.... it's a Dutch thing. Anyway- just seeing these pictures reminds me of my own kids when they were that age. Sweet and curious and (despite the last picture which I could not resist) the most loving creatures on the planet.

OH baby!!!!

Sell crazy somewhere else...

We're all stocked up here.

Ok so I'm officially back on my meds. I was really wondering if I REALLY needed them and when I needed them.

After almost a week, I found that during my work day, I am generally fine. I don't feel anxious during the day when things are normal. I can sit in traffic and feel the same amount of anxiety that I think everyone gets, but then again, my commute is short and I don't usually hit traffic. Yes, my temper is a bit shorter-and I think my brain moves a bit faster that usual- but it's not unmanageable and I'm aware of it.

I do, however find that when I am sitting in class, or in a meeting, where I have to sit and be quiet, listen to people lecture and sometimes drone on- I feel my blood temp start to rise, and I find myself sometimes even breaking out in a sweat. During all 4 of my classes last week, I had to leave the class and walk around outside for a minute, Deep breaths and all that.

Last night was 8 full days. I did refill the scrip but I had not taken one yet.

Last night before I went to bed, I was feeling very anxious, for no apparent reason at all. I wanted to stay up and watch Molly Shannon on SNL but I was tired, and both of these scenarios were causing me a lot of discomfort, oddly enough. I was too tired to keep my eyes open, but I still felt like I needed to get up and run somewhere. When I did crawl into bed I was paranoid and could not stop my brain. I'm not even sure why. I did eventually drift off to sleep, but I woke up about an hour later- my heart was pounding out of my chest and I was in a cold sweat. I am not sure what happened, but I actually woke up in the middle of panic attack, which is new, even for me.
So I got up, took a Xanax and about 30 minutes later fell asleep until this morning.

I took my regular pill again first thing this morning, and I have to accept that I need daily medication to keep my brain from convincing me that pulling my hair out, and cutting my skin is a GOOD idea.

Go figure.

Half Nekkid Hot Mama

Soo much cuteness.



I couldn't decide which one I liked better.



Danny decided to get Half Nekkid with me. He likes to get in front of the camera more than Gabe does.

My oldest son is coming home next month and staying home for good. I bought the plane ticket yesterday. He's been gone for almost a year now, living with his dad. It just didn't work out as planned. A year ago, the best thing for him was to go. Now, the best thing for him is to come back. Yes, without a husband in the house, taking care of 3 very active boys is going to be hard- but, I think if I give Alex some responsibilities and reward him for it- he will be a great help to me. Also, lately I have just been feeling like my whole family is displaced, and it just doesn't feel right. It will be so good to have all the boys in the house again- safe, and where they belong.

I blogged about him leaving here. And a few posts before it as well. I can't wait for him to come back home. I have not told my mother, I am going to surprise her by just have Alex knock on her door. She's not expecting him until August so it's going to be a great surprise for her. Hopefully it will be a big enough surprise that she forgives me for ever letting him go in the first place!!

Well, happy half nekkid thursday!! Happy Mothers Day!!

TMI Tuesday #82

1. What sight, sound, smell, object or whatever most remind you of a special someone?
There's always something that reminds me of someone, but it's usually music. Probably from all those years working in a record store. I think more often, a person reminds me of a song, not the other way around.

2. Favourite body part/parts of the opposite (or same) sex?
I love guys with thick wrists, and nice hands.

3. Do you prefer to give or receive?
I'm a giver... :)

4. One night stands- What's the protocol? Stay the night or get the hell outta there?
I think I'd get the hell out.

5. What is the strangest place you've had sex?
*Golden Eagle Cafe in Long Beach. We were having coffee out on the patio while they were cleaning and closing up and they said that they were leaving, but we were free to stay on the patio and hang out. We sort of exchanged looks, thinking, did that just happen?? But we were there alone, on a restaurant patio- so he laid down his jacket and we did it on the table.
*Alternate Answer- Wyoming.

Bonus (as in optional): How old were you when you lost your virginity? Who was it to? Describe the event.
I was 16. Jason K. We were in his car behind Music Plus. Which is REALLY kind of ironic because "guys I met at record stores" are the largest demographic of men I've had sex with. The event was so long ago that I hardly remember it, I just remember that I didn't realize that it was actually 'in.' Which I really don't think it WAS, because the next time we tried to do it- it hurt like hell. I have had WAY too much sex in cars- but I have a special fondness for backseats.

What I learned from Spiderman 3

Dark and angry boys are hot.

also....

People should not be allowed to bring little kids to the movies. I'm sorry, I HAVE kids so I think it's ok for me to have this opinion. When you are watching kids movies like Sponge Bob or movies where animals talk, then you expect kids. Children crying, and running around.

Just because Spiderman is a cartoon character, does not mean that 6 year olds should see it in the movies.

Fritz the Cat is a cartoon character too.

We sat next to a stroller with a newborn baby. Maybe two months old. Luckily the baby slept through most of the movie, and when she work up, mom was quick to nurse her, and then she fell back asleep. That was the ONLY parent with a child in the theater who didn't make a sound. God love her.

The parents of the other 10 kids that were there, were jerks. A two year old got scared when the movie got loud. A 5 year old was running back and forth in the isles. Some child who was sitting as close to the center of the theater as possible started crying about 20 minutes to the end, and didn't stop.

Kids should not be expected to sit quietly through a 2 hour and 20 minute movie. Or any movie where there is no Sponge-man, or talking animal, so hearing the parent trying to quiet the child who is fucking terrified of the evil man on the 20 foot screen, only makes everyone despise you more. So, if you HAVE to be that kind of a jerk who can't get a sitter but insists on seeing a movie that a child should not be at, then at least remove the child when she starts to cry and doesn't stop.

I beg of you.

If it wasn't for dark and angry boys, I may have had a bad experience.

Too late for "TMI Tuesday"

I know it's Thursday, but I'm in class and I'm kinda lost. Between the lack of a calculator and the teacher that I love to look at and listen to cause he's so smart it makes my toes curl... it's amazing I have learned a thing... so here's my TMI Tuesday, on Thursday.

1. Ideal amount of sex per week?
I think two or three times a week would be sufficient. But really it's not a matter of want or don't want, it's about availability. Like cake.
There's cake- want cake?
Sure. I could go for some cake.
(scenario change)
We've got some time, wanna fuck?
Sure. I could go for some sex right now.

2. Ever had an online affair?
Yes. Sometimes they are better than the real ones.

3. Are you a member of the mile high club?
No. I don't like to fly, but when I do I'm drunk enough that you won't have to work too hard to convince me.

4. Are you predjudice against any particular group of people?
Not really. I don't prefer psych majors.

5. What constitutes bad sex?
Guys who are over confident that they are the BEST lovers ever. I don't mind inexperience or even some nervousness. But just don't be an asshole.

Bonus (as in optional): Can females ejaculate?
Apparently, but I am not in that club either.

The end of a long road ahead.

Finals start in a few weeks. I have been busting my ass to catch up since mid terms, so I can focus on finals. Work is getting crazy too.

May is stroke Awareness Month so I have posters and flyers that I should have gotten up already. I'm working my fingers to the damn bone, but really loving it.

Yesterday I worked from 6:30 to 6:30 and went to school. This Half Nekkid Thursday pic was taken at the end of a LONG day....



Once finals are done, I'll officially be a senior in college. I can see the end of the tunnel.

Damn, I have not seen the end of a tunnel in a long time.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday.

Pour me a drink, and I'll tell you some lies.

I downloaded some old wounds from iTunes last night. I'm not sure what made me do it. I have an iTunes credit, so I feel like I HAVE to use it.

It's funny how some times a song can reach right into your depths of your soul and pull well stuffed pain right to the surface, exposed barbs and all. That's what Neil Diamond does to me. His voice reverberates through my skin and literally pulls my guts out.

It's not about the guy... I have well come to terms with Trever and all the bullshit. I understand what happened, how it happened, why it happened and all that. I learned from it. I moved on. It's not the agony of having lost him. It's not the painful memories of an overwhelming, somewhat psychotic, dark and tawdry affair when I was far too young to understand the damage that I could do, but old enough to recognize that a man is, at the core, just a man. When someone like me comes at him with all she's got, he rarely stood a chance against me. It's not the embarrassing admission that I was lost, obsessed, needy and morally flexible. It's not even about regret I eventually felt for hurting all the people I hurt.

It's just the memory of the pain that comes back to ache when I let it.

















It's like when you have a leg amputated. It still itches. It still aches. Even though it's not there. You can't get rid of what isn't there. You just have to feel it until it goes away. I can't even remember what Trever looks like. I just remember the pain. Trever is my amputated leg.

So I will sit and listen to Neil. It will pass. It always does.

The story of my life
Begins and ends with you
The names are still the same
And the story's still the truth

Tear your heart out Tuesday

Jealousy is a dirty little bitch.

The e-husband is in bed with her lately, plotting to fuck up my life. Now we've been "e-stranged" for a long time. Living apart for 7 months, but you know- it's been a LONG time that things have been real bad. The beginning of the end started so long ago I don't even remember.

But with the actual separation, it leaves us technically free to explore the options. Lately I've met a few people online that I have been interested in meeting, but have not done so for one reason or another. He knows there has been vague interest for me, in getting out there, but he seems to want to ignore it. He has maintained that he is not interested in it.

Until today.

He said that the nurse came by again last night. Brought him dinner. Not even HIS nurse. And they have aids that do that. So this gal hijacked his dinner and brought it to him. I thought it was cute, I joked some more about getting her number. I was curious at this point. Wondering what kind of girl does that kind of thing. Judging her, I admit it.

He told me this afternoon that she came by again today. When he met her, she was a student, and they were practicing so she had shaved him. I remember when this happened. He told me that when she came in today, he was shaving and she flirtatiously offered to do it for him and he said ok. He was kind of flustered, but he enjoyed it.

Yeah, I about went thru the roof.

"What kind of slutty nurse SHAVES a patient that is not even HER fucking patient. How COMPLETELY inappropriate and you know, I KNOW people at that hospital so someone is going to fucking hear about this."

EH- "Wow- I didn't think you would be this upset."

ME- "Well Jesus. Why doesn't she just fuck you and get it over with?? There's an empty bed right there!! What is that cunts name again?"

EH- "Honey... I'm fucking with you."

ME- "WHAT?"

EH- "That didn't happen. She came by and said hello. That was all. I just wanted to know how you really felt about it."


fuuuuuuuuuck......

I didn't even know I felt that way.

Well played Mike, well played.

dirty little bitch....