Tuesday, still powerless

Keeping my boundaries is hard. I always feel guilty and I second guess my decision. He is good at making me feel bad, and I wonder if my boundaries are reasonable, even though I know that they are. I have unreasonable thoughts, but in general, I'm not an unreasonable person. He yells at me and accuses me of treating him like a child and emasculating him but I can't do anything about how he feels, that's not my deal. I can only keep my boundaries and hopefully someday he will respect me for not allowing him to fool me so easily.
I got to share about my program with one of my friends today. Not just how it relates to me or how I apply the Al-Anon principles to my marriage, but the program in itself. How it works, some of the traditions- and the correlation between AA and Al-Anon. I talked about my desire to be of service. I have never really talked to anyone about it before. My need to be useful and not just for myself. I always felt like I never really did anything, but in truth, I never really did anything for anyone but myself- or my family. Nothing just for the good of doing it. Things like volunteer work or anything like that sounds really great- but I never got involved before. In Al-Anon I can be of service to others and in doing so, help myself grow in my program. Feeling useful is good for my self-esteem- God knows being at home doesn't do anything for my it.
Today I am recommitting to my program. I know that I lost my footing, but I realize that I can get it back. I have to give all my feelings about him, and my marriage and just turn it over to God, because I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how I feel about him. I don't know what I want, and I don't know what the next indicated thing to do is. I can only turn it over to my Higher Power and perhaps he will make sense of the mess in my head, and give it back to me- only a little neater and easier to read.

Forgiveness is for me

It was suggested to me to forgive M for not living up to my expectations. I know that he never did drugs or drank with the intention of hurting me, not once did he ever throw back the bottle and think, "this will teach her..." He has a disease, and I know that. I think I have been waiting to trust him again, before I can forgive him. I didn't realize that I had expectations for him to live up to- until that was suggested to me. It's amazing the insight that people who are not involved can give you. I think I have to forgive first and trust later- or maybe never really trust again- but the lack of trust is not what is holding up this relationship. It's the lack of forgiveness. I think forgiveness will give way to letting go of anger and finally resentments. maybe.
I am not a person that holds grudges. I never did. I always knew that holding a grudge took up energy and time and I guess I was never motivated enough to stay mad. And while I can live day to day in this life, I know that they resentments are there. The anger is there. He knows it, I know it. Hell, everyone knows it. And I know that I need to let that go. I need to forgive. I need to figure out HOW to forgive. I don't know if I've ever really had to go through the motions of forgiving, I usually just get over it- without having to go through the emotional process. One day I'm just not mad anymore. Now I don't know if that equals forgiveness, but the issue eventually gets dropped one way or another. And I guess I need to go through the process of forgiveness. I don't know how to do that. I know that I need to try.
There was a time that I was asking for forgiveness when I had betrayed someone. And I begged him for it, and told him that he would learn to trust me again. I don't know that he ever did, but he did forgive me. I guess that forgiveness needs to be the first step, no matter what the outcome. I just don't know how to do it because I didn't know that I needed to.
Easy Does it today. I need to remember that and not try to force anything. Just be willing.... willing to try.

A Million Little Questions

I finished the book I was reading, A Million Little Peices. I now have a Million Little Questions. Was it that bad for M? Did he have those dreams where he was in a room of drugs and booze and doing as much as he could as fast as he could, and did he wake up feeling high from it? Did he meet people who cried in his arms for the loss of thier lives, did he cry in anyone elses arms for the loss of his own? Did he blame me? What about when he was in rehab years ago- did he have chores? Did he get into any fights? What about Jackie? After all this time, and all that I suspected, I am curious what happened? Did he have feelings for her?- I know she had feelings for him. Did they connect on some level that I can't understand because I am not cursed with those demons? Did he think he loved her, even briefly because she understood- and I know at that time I wanted to, but I couldn't. I want to ask him, ask him, ask him? I want to thumb through the book and say, did this happen to you- did that happen to you? Do you know someone who did this? Did it feel the way the guy describes it? What was it like for you? I know I can't really ask, shouldn't ask. I can only listen if he tells- but I want to know. I makes me afraid NOT to know. More of this secret life, this dark secret that he won't share, doesn't share, can't share.
And here I am, wanting to know, wanting wanting wanting. Needing, obsessing about it. This story I read that is not my life, but relates to my life. It's his life and his story, not mine. Let go and let God. Let my God tell me what I need to know, let his God teach him what he needs to learn. He is not my God. His disease is not my higher power. I know that, but I have questions that may never be answered, or if I just listen, maybe they will be answered.
I need to read my books, do more writing, call my sponsor. Breathe. He is not using today, I beleive that. Things are ok, we agreed not to make any decisions- so here I am. Trying, trying to trust, trying to believe- or at least keeping my mouth firmly shut about the fact that I don't. Don't discourage, because maybe he's telling the truth. Last night I became overcome with fear and I'm not sure why. But I laid close to him, and he put his arms around me- and I told him that I was feeling afraid. He didn't ask me why- maybe he knows. He just let me lay close to him- and we fell asleep. I felt safe laying there with him...and that scared me even more.

My first entry- the journey begins...

Today I helped out at the H&I Chili cookoff. At first I was feeling out of place because I was sort of standing there alone. But of course all the people who were coming to volunteer were coming after the meeting, which was still going on, I had volunteered for the earlier shift. I think the AA's were not going to the Al-Anon booth because it was Al-Anon, like "what did they put in the chili....?" Of course the booth next to me smelled pretty good, and everyone seemed to be going there. I did not get a spiritual reading, I was tempted, but I don't really believe in that, and also maybe I just don't want to know. Alex had fun, I'm glad I brought him with me. Eventually I will explain all this to him.
Later when more people from our group showed up, it was fun. I laughed. I exchanged numbers with one girl who I have talked to a few times. I told her I would call her this week, I will try to follow through with that, just for practice. She's nice. It was nice seeing these people outside of the meeting, even though it was still a Program function. Hopefully they will want to get to know me better as time goes by.
The majority of people at the Chili Cook-off were men. I don't know why that suprised me, I guess that AA is generally more men than women. It was encouraging to see all these people participating in recovery. They didn't seem like a bunch of addicts- as my perception of them would be. They were laughing, and talking and hugging and being a part of life. I didn't see anyone crying or fighting.
They gave out chips at the meeting. I thought it was weird for an Al-Anon meeting to do chips. I mean, it's an AA thing, but it was exciting to see people celebrate being there for a year, three years, 7 years and 23 years!! We cheered for them, and I was happy for them and I didn't think it was weird at all. I guess I should find out exactly when my Al-Anon birthday is- so maybe after one year I can get one too. One year of showing up consistently. That is definately something to look forward to and celebrate.