About Me

My photo
Using my 40's as a do-over for my thirties, only smarter. I often mistake the bees and honey reference with the one about free milk and a cow. This might explain my whole life.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Lazy kitteh

I swear you're not missing anything.

I'm so effing lazy lately with this blog.  I just renewed the URL for another year.  Did I waste $10 that I could have used on a dimebag?  (kidding)

what the hell is going on in YOUR life???


funny pictures of cats with captions

Monday, May 25, 2009

not soon enough

You know how people get pregnant, get engaged, get married, and die... in threes? I think the same happens with divorces.

Yet another friend of mine is getting divorced. sigh... all the good stuff happens to everyone else.

I know, I'm such a insufferable cunt. Can you blame me? Have you met me??

We've (read: I) decided that he's going to move out after the summer. August. Yes, I'm ready for this. So ready. We (read: I) decided this in March- before the break. I thought the break would help, but it didn't. It just made me want to make the break longer- or permanent. Yes, permanent sounds good.

I'm not sure why I am so damn stubborn. Why, for so long I was so insistent that we could make this pig fly. However, we've decided and discussed that we really took whatever semblance of a marriage and beat it to death. It's not just a dead horse, it's buried and the grass has grown over. It's time to move on.

SO TIME.

We get along, because that's what I do. I get along. I play nice. I've got it down to an art form. I have perfected 'playing nice' to an art form.

Tell me that you love me?
oh? Cool.
Tell me that you hate me?
oh? Cool.

Its hard going through life knowing that I failed at this. I know, I know... I didn't FAIL. But it feels like Fail. Major League Fail. Maybe the FAIL was staying so long. I'll never get these 10 years back. I don't know, maybe I don't want them. Perhaps in the fall I'll be a whole new Julie.

New and Improved.

Or not.

Hows this?

Thinner, Cynical and Jaded.

That sounds about right.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Does this treadmill make my ass look big??

I've been going to the gym for a month or so now. I know that I'm supposed to go 5 times a week. I think I average about 4 times a week. I go for two days and take a day off. That seems to be my pattern and it works out just fine for me.

After 5 weeks, I am very close to 30 minutes of non-resistance cardio. The eliptical or stairmaster is still hard for me but the treadmill or the bike on a lower level is enough to get my heart rate going. Cardiacwise, I'm really unfit. Always have been. I'm not trying to crash diet or work out like a mad woman. I know me well enough to know that I won't keep THAT nonsense up. However, I'm slowly losing pounds and inches. SLOWLY... that's ok though.

I don't love working out. Not at all. I can't imagine ever getting to the point where I just can't wait to get to the gym. My head doesn't work that way. I do it cause I realize that my ass has reached epic proportions. I don't ever expect to get back down to my wedding size. That was too big for my liking, however at this point I would love to be THAT kind of fat.

Bondage dog?

We had a dog show up on our patio yesterday. Gabriel identified it as our neighbors dog, and our neighbors were not home. It was a little Chihuahua and it was really cute. After keeping it on our patio, we realized he was getting a little chilly so we let him inside and gave him some food.

Yes, that is a bondage cuff around his neck. We needed to take him outside, and didn't have a leash. I just happened to have bondage cuff with tethers, so it worked out perfectly. I know, only ME right?? It worked pretty good though.



He was very sweet. Quiet, not to hyper but was a little playful at times. Mostly he just stayed close to me- which is strange considering that I'm not really a dog person.




I admit that he grew on me pretty quickly, and now I kinda want one. We've been talking about getting a dog. Mike wants one, but I want to make sure that we get one that I could/ would take care of in the event that he can't take it with him when he moves out. He thinks a dog would be good for his depression. Part of me thinks he might be right, but the other part of me doesn't want another mouth to feed.

So now I'm looking at Petfinder.com and weighing the pros and cons of getting a little dog. I don't want a yappy dog, or a dog that is too hyper. The kids get so riled up, I wonder if even a dog with a good temperament will get all out of control around my boys.

Like I have said, I'm not really an animal person. They are a big commitment, and often an expensive one. I never want to be in the position where I can't afford to care for it, if it get sick. I know I made a joke once about opting to put an animal down. I never WANT to have to make that decision, I am just aware that it's out there.

So I'm just not sure.

He sure was a cute dog though and I did love the attention.




Saturday, May 23, 2009

lexapro? not again

My relationship with mental health drugs has always been very kind of like/hate. There's never been a LOVE issue with them. I've never LOVED the way I feel on meds.

About 10 years ago I started getting chest pains. It would cause aches down my arms. My whole body would sort of ache and I would get restless and panic about it. My doctor would give me an ECG at least twice a year, since I have a family history of cardiac disease. After treating my husband, he figured out that I don't (yet) have cardiac problems.

He sent me to a psychologist and scripted me some Xanax. "You're not having a heart attack. No Julie, you're having anxiety attacks."

You think??

So I went to therapy for a while. On and off for years. Dr. O was my favorite. After Danny was born I saw a different one, Dr. N. Who encouraged me to do things for myself and keep my eye on my own goals, like finishing school. The last guy... I can't remember his name, he was more of a sounding board- but I saw him weekly and as I would talk, the 'answers' would sort of come to me, and he'd say, "ok... I'm following you."

I stopped seeing him when I got a new job in a new city. I haven't been to therapy since. When I went to work at the hospital, I also went back to Al-Anon, in place of therapy. That was ok for a while too.

I was on Xanax, as needed for many many years. At this point, as needed was starting to be 24/7. So I went to my new doctor and got my first script for something that was less dangerous than Xanax, which turned out to be Lexapro.

It wasn't bad. It helped a bit. After the first week of side effects, I was less apt to want to peel my skin off. The anxiety attacks became less frequent, but I still had the Xanax when I needed it. Maybe once or twice a week. At this same time, things in my life were changing so I think there were less things to be stressed out about. I stopped taking the lexapro when I couldn't afford it among other reasons. For as much as it helped, I never LIKED being on it. I always just felt a little LESS like me. Medication and therapy simply silenced me. It kept me from getting angry, and anger propels me. It encourages me to move forward. It inspires me to make decisions on my own behalf. Medications numb me a bit. It makes everything tolerable. Therapy helps me deal. AlAnon helped me stay.

What I need, is to go. So no therapy, no Lexapro.

However, today I'm going to refill my Xanax script. Just so I don't kill anyone, as needed.

Friday, May 22, 2009

The ABC's of me

The ABC's of me.  My SIL tagged me on Facebook but I would rather just blog here.


A - Age: 37

B - Bed size: Queen

C - Chore you hate: ALL

D - Dog's name: I don't have a dog.  

E - Essential start your day item: Blackberry

F - Favorite color: Red

G - Gold or Silver: Gold

H - Height: 5'

I - Instruments you play(ed): I don't.  booooo

J - Job title: Data Coordinator, Stroke Program

K - Kid(s): 4

L - Living arrangements: Husband and three boys

M - Moms name: Linda 

N- Nick Names: Jules, Jewels.

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Senior year, appendicitis

P - Pet Peeve: When I hurt mysl and someone says "Are you ok?"  Of COURSE I'm not ok!!!

Q - Quote from a movie: Only in the morning!

R - Right or left handed:Right

S - Siblings: 3 sisters (1 + 2step) and 2 brothers

T - Time you wake up: 5AM

U- Underwear: always

V - Vegetables you dislike:  carrots

W - Ways you run late: checking my email before work in the morning

X - X-rays you've had: lungs, and does a mammogram count?

Y - Yummy food you make: Apple crisp

Z - Zoo favorite: I can't remember the last time I went to a zoo....

ok wow- that was ridiculously boring...  


Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Wait... what?

Yesterday on the way home from swim practice and Alex said, "When I graduate from high school, I'm gonna go there."  

Huh??  

"The Armed Forces Recruiting place.  I'm going to go there after graduation."

Wait... what??

I looked at him, probably with the same expression I had when he told me he swallowed a quarter.  "You what?"  Surely he misspoke.

"Yeah, I want to go into the Army after high school."

dead stare

"Didn't I ever tell you that?"

speak Julie.  Say something.  Anything.  Someone hit me on the back of the head.  Who is this kid?  Military?  Alex??

Lazy, half-ass, hyper, won't shut up, can't stop moving.... ALEX?    
in the military.

I realize that I haven't spoken yet. 
 
"No, you've never said anything about it before." Doesn't he know that there's a war going on?  A war, that could conceivably be still ON in 4 years?  I think this is the conversation that I silently and unknowingly feared ever since I heard the words, "It's a boy."

We talked a little more.  I asked him why.  Not in an offensive way, just curious. I was careful not to seem negative, or even nervous.  But I was.  Very much.  I know what you're thinking- he's 14.  He will change his mind.  Next week he'll want to be a doctor, or a podiatrist, or a fucking PIRATE.  

He's been thinking about it for a while now.  Really??  I didn't know this.  Why didn't I know this?  

Here's the thing about Alex.  He's NEVER told me I want to do this when I get older.  He's never displayed any interest in a career, or a job, or what kind of car he wants.  Sarah has been talking about being a doctor for a long time.  (Of course NOW she wants to go to art school... in Canada.)  Not Alex, I have talked to him for the past year or so about college, what he might want to do after high school, the classes I want him to take since they will benefit him when he goes on to college, etc.  This was the first time he's ever talked back.

"I want to be like Uncle Rick," he said, "He has a good life.  The respect of the people around him.  He was part of something awesome.  I want that."

Smiling, I reached out and touched his hand.  

We talked a little bit more about it.  What branch of the service he might be interested in.  Maybe the Marines, maybe the army.  I suggested he research his options and that he talk to his Uncle Rick.  He asked me if his flat feet were going to keep him from the military.  I admit, I had always been a bit relieved back when I thought that it would and I never mentioned to Alex that Rick advised me that it doesn't anymore.  I never really thought that Alex would want to be a soldier, but I admit I was somewhat hesitant to put that information out there, just in case.  

It was out there now.  

I cannot deny that is scares me.  However, I cannot utter a harsh word about his decision.  I have always been a strong supporter of the armed forces.  My brother is a hero, not only to myself but to my family.  I could never say that the military is ok for the sons of others, but not for me.  No, I don't believe that.  

I remember how much it hurt when my brother left for basic.  I remember it so vividly.  I was a year older than Alex is right now.  I also remember running through the crowd the day he graduated basic, and jumping to him and hugging him so tight, because I was so very proud.

No, I could never be against it if he wants to do that.  I could never even consider talking him out of it, even now in these early stages when I probably could talk him out of it.  Maybe he will change his mind, there's an amazing change he will- however it won't be because of me.  

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Sunday with my Google Reader

Expect this to be NSFW:

I started using my google reader so that I don't miss the writings of my friends.  I don't just read blogs... I have friends who WRITE blogs.  As a good friend, I want to read what they have written, even though most likely we've already talked about it.  Some are just people I know from their blogs, or twitter.  

Anyway... so this Sunday morning I am sitting on my patio- somewhat away from noise inside the house and I'm sort of pretending not to hear that the boys are being too loud and Mike is probably going to wake up angry because he is supposed to be going somewhere this morning- and he's sleeping through the phone call- and will most likely miss the opportunity to go.  Not my problem.

So lets see whats in my Google reader today.  

A follow up on Richard and Amy, a married couple who live a 24/7 BDSM lifestyle.  They interest me.  I could never be anyone submissive all the time.  I don't have that kind of discipline.

A fantastic sex blogger already is starting a new site Beyond the Birds and the Bees which will be "online resource where people can share accounts of conversations between parents and children on the topic of sexuality."  This should be a great site and I hope to be able to participate in it.

Another married D/s couple who I know and love.  I would like him to take my picture someday.   
A little bit of Butch, Bez, and Business Humor.

Fleshbot and JaymeWaxman who really is as cool in real life as she appears to be on her website.  I'm kinda Fangirl about her- and I hope to see her again this year and talk to her a little bit more.

Jezebel (which I have often thought to change my sexblogger persona name to).  Which is a great website with great links to great stories.  Also... I suspect it's run by the same company that runs
Fleshbot.

Largehearted Boy- AKA, a very LARGE musis website of music I don't know- but I probably should.   If you are a music lover, you will probably like this site.  I always like the links to the Try it Before you Buy it's 

Michelle Obama on Huffington Post- cause you know she needs her own page.  Seriously, how much do we love her???

Britni- cause she is just all kinds of Hot Mess (in a good way).

Radical Vixen- one of the THREE amazing chicks I know who use the title Vixen- and I love her blog.  I've been reading it for years.  
(incidentally- I think they all think I'm pretty swell too.)

Steff- who is a cool chick who speaks her mind, and blogs about a lot of things, sex just being one of them.


That's what I did this morning.  That isn't all who is in my reader, but I went through many last night before I went to bed.  But that is what is there now.

And now.... my reader is clean, and empty.  

Friday, May 15, 2009

Dan Savage, The Price of Admission

I have been listening to Dan Savage again lately.  He's great when I'm sitting on the exercise bike and while his advice is smart and straight forward- he simply makes me laugh too. 

There is no settling down, without some settling for.  A-men.


Where's your happy place??

Last night one of the things I thought (::Grey's Anatomy::) about when Izzy was having her fantazy talks with her tumor (her dead ex) was that her quiet place, her happy place- whatever that PLACE is... was a beach.

I don't think my happy place is on a beach.  

I'm not a beach person.
Of course I'm not a mountain person either.
Or a forest person.
Certainly not a DESERT person.

Well crap... what kind of person am I?  I know that my happy place can't just be sitting on my couch with big pillows watching reruns of Dawson's Creek.  

could it?

So where's my happy place?  Where do I feel complete?  Where do I feel calm and quiet, and peaceful and happy.  

Hmmm... you're right if you thought "New York"  You know me well.  But it's specific.

There was an Italian restaurant we ate at, the second night.  It was in the Village and we sat on the street.  The lights reflecting off the street.  The buzz of the city.  The clicking of silverware and the clinking of glasses.  Watching the people walking by.  Never feeling alone.

It's as close as I can get to a happy place... and it suits me fine.


My other thought is that I think I need to refer to my ex husband(s) as "my tumors."


I won't spoil it...

But holy shit did you see that coming??



Thursday, May 14, 2009

"It's Complicated"

I received notification on my Facebook page last night. I had to confirm my relationship with my husband.  He changed his relationship status and I was being asked to "confirm it.".

I am now, officially in a "complicated" relationship with my husband.  Complicated?  That's a fucking understatement.  

It found it quite funny really.  After all this time, all these years- Facebook thinks it can tell ME that my relationship is complicated.  Hey Facebook, I propose the following relationship statuses  (statusi?):

  • playing nice
  • doing it for the kids
  • convenient
  • self distructive
  • waiting patiently
  • co-dependent
  • gone on too long
Sometimes "complicated" is not enough. 

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Coffee anyone??


My morning cup of coffee.  I have been trying to drink LESS coffee as I'm trying to watch my blood pressure- but I have to at least have one or two.

I found out yesterday that my brand new office, is being given to someone else.  Serious Work Fail.  Someone needs an office, and so a series of decisions that I was not at all privvy to came to the conclusion that I am going to be sharing an office, on the other side of the floor.  Ugh.  I won't be right outside the nursing station on the Neuro Unit, but off the Unit all together and next to the elevator.  It will make it less convenient for me to know the goings on, on the floor and I know if I'm seen poking around the hall, I'll look like I'm loitering and not actually working.  With the nurses station right outside my office, I can loiter all I want to and still look busy!!  

I'm not pleased but I guess I need to be grateful that I still have a job.

I will be farther away from a printer (I'm getting one of my own), the restroom, and the coffee machine.  I wonder if I will drink LESS coffee this way because I will have to walk a little farther to get coffee?

I haven't gotten Half Nekkid in a while, but I decided it wouldn't hurt to show off my creamy delicious C(offee) cup(s).  

Now go see Os and tell him I sent ya!!


Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mothers Day

I've yet to find a better song that this, that will cheer me up, make me dance and really reiterate the whole feminine power thing.



And while the lyrics are not deep or anything- it feels good to sing it outloud, and know that to someone: it's true.

I have talked a lot about my struggles with motherhood.  It was a true honest moment between my mom and I when she admitted that motherhood did not come easy for her.  I am much the same- I often approach in a way that is more logical than loving.  My maternal instinct hides beneath the surface.  I'm not the warm and fuzzy kind, but I try to be understanding and open.  

Somedays I wake up and wonder, where am I, and where did all these kids come from??  

I do the best that I can, which some days is just enough to get them clothed, fed and housed.  Hopefully that is what they will remember.  That I did the best I could and know that I love them.



January 2004 the first pic taken of my 4 kids.  

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Links and laughs

It's important to have perspective about H1N1.
and a sense of humor.

Scarier than H1N1- and I think #8 says it all, even for me.

In my neverending obsession with cock... I found some of these kinda interesting.

And while I don't encourage it for my minors, sexting kinda rules.

--

Alex asked me the other day if he could have a girlfriend. His approach was very much like, "Can I have a puppy- I swear mom I'm old enough to take care of it."

There's a girl and she's also 14. They like each other.

Well, that's all find and good, except I'm not going to be one of those moms who lets you go alone in your room. Maybe she can come over and hang out- maybe a movie. However, the one issue that I can't sidestep is mom. MY MOM!!!

See, my kids go to my mom's house after school until I get home. They practically LIVE at my mothers house, and just come home for dinner and on the weekends. It's a shared custody agreement, of sorts. The rules that apply at Oma's house, don't always apply to me- however, most of the time, its her house, her rules and I cannot risk 'standing up to her' because I can't always deny that her efforts, while sometimes a bit overkill- are not totally unreasonable.

He's 14. He's the product of two parents who celebrated the birth of thier first child before they celebrated thier one year anniversary (dating). So it's easy to say that his level of responsibility is genetically altered from the start. Neither his dad nor I have ever been any pillars of strength when it comes to getting laid (or NOT) so I wade into this water somewhat hesitantly trying to avoid two things:

1) disregarding his feelings. I do understand what it's like to have a crush and I try my best not to say stupid things like 'oh there's going to be a hundred girls- and you can wait' or 'you're too young to even know what you're feeling'.

2) becoming my mother. Lets face it. Like it or not, I was oversexed at a young age, for reasons I don't know. Even though I didn't lose my V card until senior year, I was not exactly pure in my actions. The problem is that my mother worked SO HARD to reign me in that I went the other way. She never talked to me about sex. She simply said 'don't do it' from the time I was 11. I want to be open with Alex about sex and women in hopes that he won't have misguided ideals.

I told Alex that I would talk to his dads and see what we come up with. I reminded him that when he's at Oma's, I can't override her rules, which makes life difficult, I know.

Moments later, he said that [this girl] is not allowed to date until 10th grade. Ok, situation averted, I thought.

The he asked, "But could I get girlfriend? If you know, maybe if I meet a girl who doesn't have to wait until 10th grade? I can date [this girl] later."

sigh....

He's soooo my kid.

Monday, May 04, 2009

Things that bug me

Fat free mayo- what's the fucking point?

Asking me for thing I don't want to give you, like cigarettes or money for cigarettes.  However once you've asked and you can see that I'm annoyed, don't UNASK, because I'm already annoyed. No need for both of us to miserable.  

Cruelty- I really don't see the point in hurting people's feelings. Not EVERYTHING needs to be said outloud.

People who think that you have to be 100% honest all the time. Sometimes its ok to just shut the fuck up.

People who say that their pets are their kids? Really? Why can't I say the same in reverse? Why can't I let my kid eat meat that has falled on the floor. I get that your pets are important- of course- but let's have some perspective.  If my son has an illness with really high medical bills, I never have the option to just 'put him down'.  

Water snobs- look I prefer a good bottled water, but if you can tell the difference between Evian, Dasani, and Arrowhead, you just have too much time. Get a life.

People who insist on putting down the things that I'm in to.  Hey, I am a blogger and I also like Twitter and Facebook.  If you are not in to those things, then don't do them, but don't hate on me because I like to do them.  Why do I need to incessantly tweet everything I do??  Why do YOU have to question and put down the things that other people like to do?  Suck a fat one.  Click away.

Now, maybe your pet is your thing....  I'm not gonna put that down- however.  Don't push your little dog on me, and I won't MAKE you read my Twitter Feed.  

You do your thing.  I'll do mine.