Who is it for?

Al-Anon's purpose is not to help someone get thier spouse, child or friend STOP drinking or using. That is and has never been its purpose. I was shocked to learn that, and some days I still have to remember it. Al-Anon is to help me.
I have a friend who has friends and loved ones who are addicts but for whatever reason, but doesn't feel that any 12 step program will benefit. His comment was, "It really seems like alot of work, to be honest."
Perhaps it's because he has never really been adversely affected. Perhaps he is able to detach with love, be compassionate and allow people (myself included) the respect and dignity to live thier lives and make thier choices, however bad-without feeling like he has to fix or save or break down over it. I respect that not everyone needs this program. Some people just mind thier own business and don't need anyone to teach them how.
Just like AA does not work for everyone, Al-Anon is not necessary for every person who has a loved one who drinks or uses.

It's there for those of us who want it- but it only works if you work it.

Boundaries and powerless

The last post I wrote was probably foreshadowing for the rest of the week. I have a hard time keeping quiet lately- and sometimes I say things that I don't know if I mean. Today I put down a boundary with Michael- and really, I don't know if I mean it. I said it because it seemed like the right, appropriate and probably smart thing to say- but do I believe it? Will I really follow through with it?- I don't know. It was somewhat an impulsive comment, considering it does not at all take into consideration the plan of action that we already agreed upon. I don't want to fight with him, there's no point. It's over. I know it- he knows it. Why can't I just shut up??
I called my sponsor and she said I need to practice detaching, and turn it over to God. But God doesn't seem to be offering me any comfort today.
Freedom is a choice. I was reading that this morning. Freedom is a choice...my choice. I can choose to feel guilty about wanting it too. Michael told me today that the last two years have been all about me. WHAT???? He said that it's all been about me going to school and bettering myself and that I could not do that without him being there to take care of our children...ok...decent enough point. But why?- why did I want to go to school, better myself?- because I knew that he was not going to provide for me or the kids. Because I want to have a career that will hopefully provide for the family. And for the past three years I have been supporting him, (and putting up with all his unacceptable behavior) in exchange for him watching the kids. I guess it's a fair trade- if you take out the fact that we are married...
I guess in the end, I cannot make him do what I want him to do. I can't change him. I can't protect him. I have to just let him go. I don't know why that is still so hard. Is it because I really give a shit, or because I just want to control him. I don't think there is any salvaging anything here. He is using me, to support him and so maybe I should continue to let him live here and watch the kids so I can finish school and have my own life.... that is the thought that I keep juggling around. But it seems unlikely. It seems very very unhealthy for everyone.
I get alot of advice. A LOT. But in the end, I am the one who has to live with the end result. I am the one who will have to struggle with 12 hours in class, 36 hours of homework, and 40 hours at work- and these three boys. It's very easy for people who are not in my position to say that I can do this with a little bit of determination etc. etc.... And yes, I am certain that I CAN do it. I believe in myself enough to know that I can take this hard road alone, narrow and dark, the kids following me single file, and I hope they continue to walk behind me- and make us all suffer through it for the next two years, and come out successful on the end. But is it so wrong to suffer through the status quo?- take the road that is a little smoother, a little wider- but sometimes it rains alot. Neither of them are GOOD paths, but the end up in the same place. One is just a little better for those that are following me down it.

Chose your words, pick your battles....

So todays reading is about thinking before I speak. I think I have gotten better at this, at least with Michael. Funny that areas of my program work JUST in relation to Michael, or in every instance EXCEPT relating to Michael... but anyway.
When I am dilligent about it, I can keep my mouth shut. I can happily go about my business and not respond to every comment, be it negative, positive, hopeful for downright ridiculous. When I pay attention- I can detach and respond with "You may be right" or "I'm sorry you feel that way" or whatever appropriately vague comment that does not leave me open to attack that I can think of. Lately that kind of detachment and control has not been easy. I think I have been stressed out about other things... So it's time to start to refocus on my serenity.
My sponsor gave me these stones for Christmas. They are these pretty glass-type rocks that are different colors and say Courage, Hope, Faith, Serenity, and Peace. I taped them to my desk at work, so I can sort of put my hands on them. Perhaps it's stupid that this kind of thing does something for me. But you know, we all have our things... And since they are smooth, and there are 5 of them, they sort of massage my hand at the same time. I put Courage and Hope closest to me. I can move them around as needed. I love them. Maybe if I'm having a bad day, I can press one of them to my forehead...osmosis or something... whatever works at that moment.
I'm trying to bring myself back to my program. It's the only time that I can be happy, regardless of what is going on around me. Is when I have this. I don't go to church, Al-Anon is my spiritual program. It's what works for me. It's something I believe in for me. And being away from it, only makes me unhappy. So I need to make a better effort to work my program, because it helps me stay centered- and ultimately a more contented person.

Slogans in Al-Anon

This post might end up being a little long, but I have a jillion thoughts in my head right now and I can't make sense of any of them. So I went to a meeting yesterday, with my sponsor. It was the first time she had been to THAT meeting, and I think she will continue going to it. I love that meeting. It's a very special group and we are a healthy meeting. I had not been in a while and it was nice to see the faces of these people again.
So I'm struggling with my feelings today about Michael moving out. My mother threw me for a loop and her help with watching the kids to keep my day care costs down is not as 'all inclusive' as she led me to believe. I am not sure how to take that news, but I will simply wait and see what happens with that. Aside from that- I am starting to visually SEE just how sick Michael is, physically. He looks like he's dying. It's frightening.
I have enough reason that I should not care. I have enough ammunition to gun him down with resentment and anger and disgust and all out rage. I do not need any more reason to walk away. But I have reasons to stop and reconsider. And I am confused about it, even though that is just me trying to play God. Me, thinking that there is something that I can DO to help him get better- even though the words, "I can't help you with that..." come out of my mouth without me even thinking them.
When I am away from my program, I am filled with indignation and completely confident in my decision to make him leave. I am also self-righteous and mean to him. I cease to be a loving, compassionate person to him. And maybe it's deserved, but it certainly doesn' t make me FEEL any better. I was thinking back to years past, when I was really in to my program, and he was still drinking. I had disappointments and things that really bothered me, but over all I was able to work through them. However, I had no boundaries... He used to spend money and lie and do all these things, and while I handled them with detachment and compassion- I never really did anything to prevent it from happening again. He had no consequences for his misdeeds. So while I used my program to maintain my sanity, I was not doing anything to protect myself or to stop being a doormat. I still don't do well with boundaries. I guess that is what asking him to move out is all about. Boundaries. If he is not here, he can't hurt me with the things he does. I can't seem to allow him to suffer the consequences of his decisions because it seems unkind and when someone is looking me in the face asking for help, I feel rotten for saying no when it is within my means to help. For instance, he is not working and therefore all of his money comes from me and my job etc. So if he needs cigarettes, I pay for them. And when money is tight, and he asks me for money for cigarettes, I get a little bent by that. So it has been suggested to me, "tell him no." "tell him to get a job" "tell him to quit smoking". Sounds easy right?? Well, yeah- anyone who knows me, knows that I just can't DO that. Smoking is kind of a weird thing anyway, cause he's an ADDICT by nature, so denying to someone who has smoked for more than half of his life one idle Tuesday just because I chose THAT day to get some balls is just asking for a fight. I know that I should encourage him to quit smoking, but man, I am hoping that he does that AFTER he moves out. I have no desire to be around THAT loveliness. Anyway, I guess my point is that him moving out is the only way I can stop him from taking advantage of me, because I am just not strong enough to put my foot down and say, "NO." at least not often enough.
So anyway, in the meeting yesterday, the Al-Anon slogans were read. And we throw around the slogans when they are appropriate, but when you hear them, along with a brief description, it sort of puts more meat on them:
(This is right from the Brochure Alcoholism, the family disease)
Let Go and Let God Every day there are decisions to be made and problems to be solved. When we notice irritations growing into tensions, tensions into near-panic, and old fears returning, it is time to stop and turn to God. We find that when we supply the willingness, He supplies the power.
First Things First Much of our confusion and frustration is due to our failure to deal with tasks and problems in the order of their importance. It does take discipline to put aside things we'd rather do, and attend to those of first important first. But the rewards are great: we get things done, we enjoy a sense of accomplishment, and we learn to face issues with a real sense of value and purpose.
Live and Let Live This is a reminder that most of us need--often. Our only concern should be our own conduct, our own improvement, our own lives. We are entitled to our own view of things, and we have no right to inflict in on anyone else.
But For The Grace of God When we are resentful and embittered over an alcoholic's behavior, it is well to remind ourselves that the alcoholic did not choose to carry this burden of misery and despair. But for the grace of God, we might have been afflicted by this sickness. Let us be thankful that we have the blessings of sobriety, and be willing to help the alcoholic find this blessing too.

"...it is well to remind ourselves that the alcoholic did not choose to carry this burden of misery and despair..."

I read this and think, where is my compassion? Where is my understanding. Where is my faith in God, and love and marriage? It's hard to separate the disease. I remember, when people are attacking my choices and attacking my life, that addiction is a disease of the body, mind and spirit. It's like a tornado, spinning out of control and picking up peices and throwing them aside with no regard. I am quick to remember that when it's convenient for me and I have to justify my decisions. I can come up with all kinds of love and compassion and understanding and I look like a freaking saint. But when it's just the two of us, standing toe to to with nothing but the debris from the tornado, that concept disappears pretty quickly and I have no compassion, no program, no higher power. And I just stand there and judge him for not being what I expected him to be.
And here we go again..... Pastor Ed suggested to me that I forgive him for not living up to my expectations. And I thought I did that. But I guess I didn't, if I have to keep doing it over and over again....
I don't know what the resolution to this post was. Just getting it out- I guess. Spinning my own wheels.
If you made it to the end of this post, I appreciate your patience and please leave me a comment. Any experience strength or hope you might have...

Powerlessness

"Gradually I learned that nothing I did or did not do would convince my loved one to get sober....nothing I could do would make or break a person's sobriety."
I am NOT all powerful. I was never able to make my husband get sober. There was no crisis that I could create to make him decide to stop drinking before he was ready to do it. And also, nothing that I do is going to break that sobriety, if he has it, and if he wants to keep it. I think back at all the things I used to do, thinking that perhaps it would get him to stop drinking- and maybe if he was sober ONE night, he could be sober a FEW nights. I don't do that anymore.
He is not drinking anymore, and I believe that he's clean and drug-free. I can't be 100% certain. He was doing alright for a few days, but today he was particularly moody when I came home from lunch. He is angry and annoyed and I made the mistake of asking him, "what's the matter with you?" although I really didn't want to know. I know that it couldn't be MY fault, and today I am concent knowing THAT much.
The program has helped me accept that I can't make him do anything he does not want to do. It has helped me to stop obsessing about what he is and isn't doing all the time. That doesn't mean that I don't obsess about other things...but at leastI have learned to detach from his disease. I have let go of his drinking, and his drug use- and alot of his health issues. I can only take care of myself and the things that I can control. This program has taught me that I can only make my own decisions, and I have to live with whatever those decisions are. And Michael has to live with whatever his decisions are. That's his deal, not mine.
Some days, I am grateful for my powerlessness- it lets me off the hook. It says to me, "hey, that problem over there?- it doesn't have your name on it. let it go." And I can do that. And it doesn't mean I don't care, it just means that I recognize that it's not my problem to fix- and there's no need to fret over it.
Today I'm powerless, and I mean that in a good way!!

Blessing or a Curse??

So I just can't believe what happened today. I went to the DMV about my car....a whole big mess to get it registered so I can finish my insurance claim etc. And I can't do it...big pain in the rear and I'd go in to it, if it matter- but it doesn't....because...I got a call tonight and they found my van. THEY FOUND MY FUCKING VAN. And where? About a BLOCK away from my house. A Block. I could have walked to it. So the police had it towed to a place about a mile away (why they didn't just bring it right to my house, I don't know.) So tomorrow I have to go down there, get them to release the car to me- and then either drive it- or have it TOWED back to my apartment where I can let it sit for a week until I can pay to have them fix whatever CRAP is wrong with it now. It's going to cost me $125 if I pick it up tomorrow, and $22 a day after that. Gee, it's a good thing that I'm independently wealthy huh??
oh wait...
crap...
I'm NOT!!!
And really, I don't WANT it back...but I guess the whole issue with registering it, and the insurance thing was going to be a lot of trouble. A LOT!!! So maybe it's for the best this way. I think the insurance will pay for whatever repairs it needs too. I have to make a jillion phone calls tomorrow about that. I'm so overwhelmed and exhausted.
I was going to stay up a little later tonight, but I can't. I just want to go to bed now, and sleep off this news. I don't even want to think about how much this is initially going to cost me, and if it's even worth it. I can't seem to catch a break.

Courage to Change

"I suspect that if I reclaimed all the minutes, hours, and days I've sacrificed to worry and fear, I'd add years to my life."
Isn't that the truth. I have been doing my best lately- NOT to worry about Michael and his health. I have been pretty much ignoring what ever is wrong with him simply because he does not want my help, nor does he need it. But he's sick. He's very sick. He's depleting. I mean, he is so thin, and it's not a good thin. His skin is getting all splotchy, he has burning in his legs and sometimes his hands. He's always achy. Tonight he sat down and talked to me about how he was feeling, physically feeling. He really needs to be in the hospital. There is really something very wrong with him. He swears he's clean, and I believe him today. I don't know really how well he is managing his blood sugar. I have not been paying attention. He doesn't appear to be paying any attention to it other than to take some insulin at night. I still see him eating bad foods. But I never say anything. He has to suffer these consequences. But I still feel bad for him. It sucks to be sick, even if it's a somewhat self-induced sick. I suggested that he call the doctor tomorrow and have them admit him into the hospital for however many days it takes. Really get a diagnosis for his laundry list of symptoms. He says "I feel like I'm dying." Which sounds very dramatic, but in all honesty- he looks like he's wasting away. I sense that he wants me to take a concentrated interest. He feels very lonely, he doesn't have anyone to talk to.
It's not that I don't listen to him when he talks to me, it's just that.... well.... ok- right now, as I am typing- there is a half gallon of Extreme Moosetracks icecream next to my keyboard, a small pampered chef wooden spoon stuck in it- and I am taking bites intermittently as I type. Ok- so that being said, how much sympathy or even understanding am I going to get if I bitch about being overweight?? Eventually if every day I was posting about comsuming 4000 calories a day and why can't I lose any weight?-- you, dear readers- will stop reading, having come to the conclusion that I am just bitching and not really all that concerned with making any REAL changes. That is the conclusion that I have come to regarding Michael and his health. Based on his actions, I have concluded that as of today, he does not want to make any REAL changes. Maybe that will change. Maybe a week in the hospital- and a real good look at things to come will make a difference for him. I don't know. All I know, is that while I DO really care. I do have a interest in his health- I can't show him that. I can't do his worrying for him. I can't make the doctor appointments for him. I can not hold his hand through another hospital stay. I've done my time at his bedside. It never made on bit of difference.
But maybe he something will spark some change in him. It's not easy. I know that for sure. Change is hard for everyone. But just like I am walking through my changes alone- I have to let him walk through his. Alone.

Sunday night thoughts

I have to get ready for tomorrow. I have to give the kids a bath- and get thier clothes ready for tomorrow. I have to take my kids to day care in the morning. Michael has someplace he needs to be in the morning, he didn't directly ASK me to take them- but he implied that it would be alot easier for him if he didn't have to do it. I guess I could have played stupid and not offered, but I'm sure he would have kept commenting on it- and it would have annoyed me. So I offered. I am trying not to be pissy about it, because I did offer. I guess I cannot expect him to care that tomorrow is my first day at my new job. He barely commented about any emotion I had in leaving the old one. Whatever. I have to just let that go.
A friend of mine and I were talking about London recently. He had been to London and I've heard him talk often about how much he liked London. I remember when he returned from London and showed me all 6 rolls of photos (before the digital camera came around). He asked me if I ever thought I would go, to London...I thought for a second and replied, with all honesty, "Probably not." It's not that I would not WANT to travel, I have just never had anyone to travel with. And therefore travel has never been that important to me. I am afraid of flying, but it's convenient to be afraid to fly- I never fly anywhere. I have been on a plane a dozen times in my life. And yes, I panic a bit- but with the miracle of Xanax, I'm sure I will be fine the next time. He asked me, why I didn't think I'd ever go- that I should go. And I replied that I really haven't traveled, and I never met anyone who would want to take me anywhere. He told me that I don't need a man to take me places. And he's right- but I guess I've always had a man in my life, and none of them ever really took me anywhere.
He was shocked when I told him that I had never seen snow. Not just snow falling from the sky, I mean, I live in Southern California- that doesn't happen here. But snow, on the ground. I've never seen it. Never been to the mountains, I don't ski, obviously. And I have friends who have said, "oh- I'll take you." and I usually decline, because it really doesn't matter. Except now.
Michael has promised me every year that he would take me to see the snow. That we would take the kids (back when there was just two), then three, and four. We will go this year, he would tell me every year. And every year the seasons come and go- and no snow. And yes, I could pack my kids in the car and drive up to one of the local mountains... but what for??
My vacations consist of me, just not going to work. One of my best girlfriends wants to take me to Vegas when Michael finally moves out. And on a cruise to Mexico in the summer time cause summers are always stressful and I suspect this one might be harder than others. What makes me sad about the whole thing, is that it makes my life seem so empty-actually it accentuates the fact that it is empty. My life is filled with all this drama, but no real points of interest that would make it out of the pages of a script for Days of Our Lives. His comment on not needing a man to take me anywhere, is so obvious and simple, but I think it was as clear to him, as it was to me- that I was always waiting for just that. I guess lately, I have come to that realization- but hearing it outloud that way....well, it sucked.
But maybe someday I will travel, maybe even go to London... I guess anything is possible now. I just have to trust myself...

Friday night my friends from work took me out the Yardhouse for dinner and drinks. We had a nice time. Afterwards I said good bye to them, and cried, or came pretty close each time. Even though I think I will see most of these people again. I was told to remember my resolutions...to keep in touch with my friends. I will try. I miss them already, and it's only Sunday.
I'm ready to start something new tomorrow. I am excited about not having to leave my house until 7. I can sleep in an extra hour. I'm sure that I won't though.
I'm just feeling blank today. This weekend has been emotionally exhausting. I cried so much on Friday. Today I'm going to clean my bedroom, do some shopping, get my brothers car washed. Nothing exciting.
Maybe I will make it to a meeting today.
Tomorrow is my first day at my new job.
School starts in two weeks.
Michael is supposed to be moved out in 3 weeks. That is not looking very promising, but it's three weeks away- I will not focus too much on that right now.
Happy Sunday everyone...

My last day.....

Yesterday at work, the office had cake and ice cream for me. The cake said "Bon Voyage Julie". I was so suprised!!! Tonight some people and I are going out to dinner/drinks (lots of them) and I knew that. I was not expecting a cake, and everyone around me- smiling and they clapped for me. Someone said for me to 'say something'- but I couldn't. I almost started to cry just walking in the room and seeing everyone smiling at me. I made a funny comment about being able to sleep in. Then I cut the cake and served it, which is funny, and typical- but I probably would not have had it any other way.
Damn, they could not have made me feel any more supported about leaving. I am starting to feel better about it now. My hesitation has come from my own insecurity regarding my ability to do good work. But all week, people have been telling me how much I will be missed. That it won't be the same, that they will never find an equal replacement. And all that encouragement, makes me feel better about leaving. I feel like all these people are behind me- wishing me well, and believing that I can make a difference somewhere else. I'm so grateful for that.
Time to move on
Time to step out of my comfort zone
Time to prove
to myself
that I really HAVE grown

The changes start today.

I can't think of a title.....

It's been three days and I'm going through blog withdrawals. Is there anything that I don't eventually become hooked on??
Spoke to my sponsor the other day- she wants to get together to do my third step. I'm ready, but then, not so ready. My program has been suffering a bit as of late. I have taken my life back into my own hands lately. The third step is "Became willing to turn our will and lives over to the power of God as we understood him." and lately I have not been so willing to do that. I feel like I need to keep my hands on the wheel right now. (Referencing that song "Jesus take the wheel.") In the back of my mind, I sense this is a bad idea. I believe that God's plan for me is better than any plan that I have for myself. And in the grand scheme of things, I will end up where I'm supposed to. But I need to stay strong, and I need to stay focused on my goals. I have to keep my eye on the future today- because the present is kind of painful and I just need to look towards a better time, and I know that time is coming eventually.
I agreed to help Michael move out. He' s looking for a room to rent, and I offered to pay a month or two of that rent for him. It seems like the decent thing to do. Maybe too decent. Maybe too kind. But he's my husband and I want to him to be ok. Have a roof, and at least a decent start. He will have a membership to the gym, so if he finds himself somewhat homeless, he will have access to a shower. That seems like a decent thing to do. I have been told that it's still enabling. That I'm still helping him too much. But damn it, he's my husband!! I'm not divorcing him just yet. He's someone that I care about. Maybe I am not in love with him the way I used to be. But I still care about him. He's my kids dad. As thier mom, I owe it to them to help him where I can. And maybe two more months of shelter and access to something healthy, like a gym membership is the least I can do- perhaps to lessen my own guilt.
I am just not that person who can say, 'hey- screw you and get out.' I just can't do it. And maybe I should, but I can't. I won't. There's a limit to my helping, and if I can't help, I won't help. But if I can, I will- at least for now. Once he's moved out- and perhaps had time to adjust, then I will have to be stronger. I think it will be easier for me to be strong if he's not around to push my buttons.
There are women in my meeting who are "black belt Al-Anon's" who would be able to be stronger. Who would not put up with the crap that I have- and maybe some day I will be there. But today I'm just not. and I know the costs of that too.
Putting up with this. The drinking, the drugs, the peripheral crap that comes along with it... all of it, has cost me more than I thought I had to give. The fact that I have an ounce of dignity left is a miracle in itself. It has made me afraid. It has made me unable to trust myself- and other people. It has made me stop believing in the miracle of love and companionship- marriage. It's made me bitter and a little bit twisted. It's cut me off emotionally. There's this song "Because of you" from Kelly Clarkson, and while I suspect the song is about her mother- I hear it and I cry cause that is how I feel about him. "Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me. Because of you- I am afraid."
And I have my better days. Days that I feel ok about my life. Days that I feel hopeful about my life. About my accomplishments and the direction I'm heading.
But
I'm heading there alone.
And that
really
really
fucking
sucks.
I got married so I wouldn't have to be alone.
I did not plan to raise three kids on my own.
And yeah, I'm a little pissed off about that.
Like I said, the present is painful.
Today hurts.
"Just for today" is no comfort- I prefer to look toward the unknown future- cause it's got to be better than this shit.
This too shall pass...my best friend Carrie always reminds of that. Thank God for that.
But until it does- I'll just keep look on to tomorrow.

My chemical levels are low....

I was reading this morning about the chemicals that are involved when we fall in love. I don't know why...
But it's something about PEA- phenylethylamine. It a natural amphetamine, gives us energy and makes us feel all those excited jittery feelings, the ones that happen in the beginning. The ones that will ultimately be the demise of your life if you do something stupid, like get move in together, get married, get pregnant or leave your current spouse before they wear off. Apparently after the PEA wears off, then your body creates dopamine, which stimulates the production of oxytocin. This is what keeps us around, it seems. The warm and cuddly chemicals. (granted I am reading this information off of some web sites so I'm certain that I'm missing important biochemical information, blah blah...
But anyway- my point is that chemicals seem to have alot to do with why we fall in love, and how we stay in love. This is an idea that I can grasp. I have issues with sociology and theories. Give me facts any day.
So in keeping with this whole chemical thing, I have a thought. Why is it that after a few days of not talking to someone you care about, you start to miss them. That weird aching in your gut, the weight that sits on your heart. I wish I had a big vocabulary to explain it better. Is that the result of your body not creating that domanine? A low level of the oxytocin that seems to pump through us constantly when we are in love? Because it seems to me, that as soon as the object of our desire returns- even with something as small as a phone call...we return to our "normal person"state, and no longer feel that emptiness. We have our fix and are high once again. We all have our addictions...

So this is 2006 huh??

So it's New Years Day and since I can't watch the damn Rose Parade until tomorrow- I will go ahead and post some resolutions, resignations and a gratitude list. I really watch the Rose Parade. I love parades. Not the floats, but the marching bands, tall flag and dance teams. I find a weird comfort in the straight lines and diagonals of a parade block. The flow and unity of it, when it's right. It's an old drill team thing. I was the front right guide. I was NEVER out of step. Damn, I loved that!!!

Resolutions.
1. This year I am going to continue making my best efforts not to overdraw my checking account. Sounds simple for some of you who don't live paycheck to paycheck, but for those of us who do-well, it's not always as easy as it sounds.
2. I'm actually going to just try to be better with my money overall. Spend less when I have more. Save some for the lean months, because I know when they are.
3. Keep my house cleaner- even if it means hiring someone to come in and clean it for me.
4. Take Alex to the movies more often. I realized yesterday on our way to the movies that the last time I took him to the movies was LAST YEAR, for his birthday.
5. Potty train both babies. Gabe is 3 years old, Danny is two. They should BOTH be out of diapers by this time next year.
6. Continue to be more social. This is something that I have been practicing since I got into program. Spending time with friends and not declining invitations without a truly good reason to do so. I have spent alot of years not nurturing the friendships I have because I keep telling myself that they don't REALLY want to hang out with me.
7. Find another business. I did the candles and the stamps. I still sell Avon. I am seriously seriously considering pleasure parties- and no, not the instructional kind. The kind with lotions and lingerie and toys.
8. Work out. I joined the gym- so I need to use it. I am strangely comfortable being overweight lately, which is not good. I guess I am more comfortable with my insides, so my outsides don't bother me as much. But seriously, I have a family history of heart disease- and even my doctor mentioned that with my stress level, I really should do whatever I can not to fall over dead at 40.
9. Keep in touch with my friends. I am leaving my current job, and I need to stay in touch with the friends I have made. I am bad about that.
10. Get through my steps this year. I have to keep going with my program. I still have not done my third step, although I wrote it out months ago.
11. Anonymously blog about all of me... not just my al-anon stuff and my kids. I have a whole world of crap going on in my head and I wonder if this blog just presents me as this really sad woman with kids and a husband who is an alcoholic. I think I have alot more to say than just this.

Resignations.
1. I am NOT a good cook. I'd like to perfect a few recipes that my kids will injest, but I am NOT my mother. I cannot whip up something in 10 minutes with hot sauce, half a rotissie chicken and some onions.
2. I will never please my mother. It's just not possible. It doesn't matter what I do, or how well I do it. I will never be good enough in her eyes, and perhaps I have to accept that maybe the problem is her expectations, and not my actual output.
3. I do not want to be alone. I hate being single. I really really do. But I think that being on my own, sans male companionship is going to be important, when the situation presents itself.
4. I have really screwed myself up these past 7 years. I have such a skewed and ass backwards look of what marriage is supposed to be like. I have accepted unacceptable behavior, so much that it looks normal to me now. I need to find out what it means to be treated the way I deserve. I need to figure out what it is that I deserve and not settle for less than that.
5. I hate this disease. Addiction is the worst thing to ever touch my life, and I don't even have it!!! But I have to remember that it's a disease and I need to hate the disease not the person. (That's kind of like "Don't hate the playa, hate the game." Sorry, that line cracks me up every time.)

Gratitude List (and I'll just run it off)

My kids, they really are great kids.
My job (old and new)
my family
my friends
My sponsor
I have cable
I have dsl
I have a cell phone
I am starting to restore my credit
I have a place to live
I have a good relationship with my ex husband
I have accepted that Michael and I are going to be ok, regardless of what happens between us
I have love in my life, lots of it.
Flavored coffee creamer
My new boots (ok I'm not grateful for them, but I love them so much!!!)
And I am truly grateful for the fact that there is MORE that I could put on this list if I had the time. I have alot to be grateful for.

Happy New Year!!!!