don't ask me why....

I'm haunted today- by this song
and a man who's been gone for far too long....

It's weird how that happens. You keep people in your mind and in your heart- but they just sort of circle the perimeter. They cross your mind when you drive past a certain location, or hear a song on the radio- but as soon as they enter your mind, they are gone again- back to that storage place with the rest of the people you've loved in the past.

Then there's days and I wake up and it's like he's sitting in my living room. Having coffee and patting the seat next to him. Maybe it's just the absence of my mind lately that makes my subconcious pull out the big guns. Throw his memories at my feet and says "Here- kick this around for a while."

The only way to fight it, is to let it be. He won't stay. He proved that.

---
In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

-And so it goes, Billy Joel

i can't even think of a good title for this

When my husband returns- I'm going to kill him.

Prepare to be grossed out- ish.

So today on my way home from work, I was dying of thirst so I grabbed a Sprite that was half empty and a few days old. I knew it would be flat but I was at the point that my throat was so dry I was choking- you know?

As swallowed the flat soda I knew something was wrong. Really really wrong.
Oh god.
Ohh my fucking god.

In the bottle, were three cigarette butts. What is the sound of vomit??
However, I wasn't lucky enough to vomit.

So after spending an hour in the bathroom and thinking how great it would be to have a bidet but at least I started buying the really soft toilet paper- I have come to a few conclusions:

I will make a concerted effort to keep my car clean.
I will NEVER drink Sprite again.
I will probably never smoke again- even though it's rare that I do.

My husband is not allowed to smoke in my car- ever ever EVER again.
Maybe not even in the house.

you found me

I thought I had something to say, but I don't know if I really do.

just this.

Hows it gonna be??

I think that the back and forth of my husbands issues can only be compared to the way my feelings about this marriage go equally back and forth. One minute I am ready to kill him and the next minute I am thinking... well maybe. Sometimes it's just hard to visualize what life is going to look like on the other side.

There's going to be some things going on within the next month that I won't really go in to- but he and I will be taking kind of a break. We both need it. What happens after the break? I don't know. Will he come back home, probably, will he STAY home? I'm just not sure. It could go either way- I guess what happens on the break will decide.

A month ago I said it was over. I have my reasons, but the biggest reason is this:

My husband and I are friends. Sometimes very good friends, sometimes not so good. But no less, we are friends. We are two people that share an apartment and children. There's love, but not that kind of love. These are my feelings. If his feelings are different, well then I think he's fooling himself.

Either way, we are taking a much needed break from each other.

I have no idea what that's going to be like. When you live in chaos for so long, the silence sometimes becomes deafening.

Zoning out.

"You don't cook and you don't clean house. What exactly do you do??"

I WORK.

I know, feminists are cheering and my domestic friends and cringing. The laziness I am famous for is not something I'm proud of, but afflicted with. It's not that I don't know HOW to clean- or HOW to cook- I just dislike them to the point that I have justified myself in thinking that it's someone elses (read: husband's) job to DO it because I make the money and he's the ummm... stay at home person.

However, I still end up doing about 50% of the housework. Which doesn't mean that my house is clean 50% of the time. I think I do about 50% of the 50% of the time that it's clean. The husband cleans the rest of the 50%, and notably does it better than I do. Which means the house is a disaster about 5o% of the time. I came home today and my eye went to two different eyesore areas that I just had to do something about. So before I sat down, I picked two 'zones' and cleaned them. Now before I can actually 'soap and water' clean anything- I need to get to the surface- that is always a feat.

In this electronic world we live in, there's still a fucking LOT of paper in my apartment. Kids bring home school work, flyers, projects, paper books, blah blah blah. It stacks and piles. Right there on the 'other side' of the kitchen table. That was the first zone. Tonight, I cleaned it all. I threw away 90% of the papers I just knew I needed to keep now I have 80% of a dining table.

My next zone was the coffee table, aka, my homework/ writing/ sitting on my fat ass watching TV area. It's covered with school books, homework, tax papers, toys, calculators, chapstick, coffee mugs, hair brushes and mousse for my hair. It's maddening. So I cleaned it off. Now there is one school book, one reading book, a remote control... chapstick, a hairbrush and mousse for my hair. (then I go to bed I will put those away.)

I can't vaccuum cause it's almost midnight. Tomorow. I will just do one zone a night and work my way through the house. Maybe I'll be done by next thursday. But for now, I have a clean table so while my fat ass watches TV tonight, I can put my feet up.

A match made in heaven

I got a blackberry for Valentine's day. I am in love with it. I spent most of the day getting acquainted, it was the best date I've had in decades.

Yesterday, I spent all day anticipating it. I googled it, to see what I could find out. Trying to get an edge on what makes it tick. It arrived right on time and we spent all night getting to know each other. How to turn it on, what buttons to push to get what I want, how to communicate with it.

Several of my friends have spent a lot of time with theirs, so I got a lot of great feedback but was told that I would quickly fall for it. Oh, they were right. So easy to handle. It can deal with all the things that I'm in to. It does't get complicated about my blogging and complete supports my Twitter and Facebook habit.

It's been a long time since I've been so enamoured. Since I've felt so at peace in this way. It's as if my prayers have been answered and I'll never be lonely again.

Is it a coincidence that it's Valentine's Day? No, I don't think so- this is fate.

Just when I had given up on love.

Happy Valentines day

I know you may have seen this, but really- it's my favorite Valentines Day comic.



My layout doesn't give much room for width so you gotta click it to see it bigger.
I need a new layout.

bitter me

"but you were everything to me
and I was begging you
please don't go"

This is my favorite song lately. It makes me smile and at the same time makes me want to cry. Maybe because at one point I believed in this shit... and loss of innocence always sucks- no matter how ridiculous it is.



blah blah....

I'm going to make a short story long...

I'm home now... eating the Indonesian fried rice that my mother made for me.

We had a catered lunch yesterday for our Monthly Departmental meeting. I mention this for two reasons. One is that they was a LOT of food left over that was going to go to waste. One was a big pan of white rice. One of the ladies was saying that I should take it home and make some fried rice with it. You know us Asians types- we love our rice, and even more when it's fried with onions and garlic and egg and meat. Well I don't know how to make fried rice.
But my mom does.....

So I brought the tray home to mom and asked her to make it into fried rice for me.

The other reason I mention the lunch is that with the lunch was a container of Sweet Chili Sauce. I have seen this in my moms fridge for years but I've never eaten it. Growing up there was this hot sauce (sambal) that was so hot it was used as a punishment, and while I'm sure it not even THAT hot to an adult, just the smell of it gives a negative connotation so any red chili sauce I just steer clear of. Anyway I tried some yesterday at lunch. Oh my god, it was so good. I could eat it on everything. Or at least anything asian-ish. Or eggs.

So tonight after picking up my huge tray of now FRIED rice, I ventured to the store to pick up some of this Sweet Chili Sauce. I went to the Asian Market cause I knew they would have it there. The new Zion Market close to my house that smells of fish before you even get in the door. So I went and was accosted by too loud Asian music. And the overwhelming smell of fish.

It didn't take long to find the sauce and I made my way to the counter to purchase it. It was a big bottle for $2.99.

Let me preface this part to say that I am generally not argumentative with the general public. I am not one of those who thinks that I am getting fucked over by corporate America (which I very well may be). I don't believe in conspiracy theories (which MAY be true). I d not have a general dislike for policeman, doctors or lawyers. So it's not as if I cry 'social injustice'... you know, ever.

back to my story...

I get to the counter and they will not let me purchase my sweet chili sauce because it's ONLY $2.99 and they don't accept ATM or Credit card under $5.

ok- what???

What in the holy hell is that shit all about?? I don't carry cash anymore- who the hell does?? You HAVE an ATM machine. I understand that there may be a charge for you for me to use my card. I pay that fee at the gas station, at the cafeteria at work and many other places. But no... fucking Zion market- you won't charge me the convenience fee. You just won't allow it. So I say that I will be right back and I exit the store.
I'm not coming back.

If you MAKE ME go to my car, you are crazy if you think I am returning.

So I go to the local Food 4 Less instead in the hopes that maybe they will have the chili sauce. I usually don't shop at Food 4 Less because I don't like bagging my own groceries. The prices are not SO much lower that it's worth it. It's not that I'm too good to bag my groceries, I just don't WANT to. The Food 4 less is right across the street from a strip mall where the signs are in an Asian writing. I don't know which. But I thought my chances were good that I would find the chili sauce. Which I did.

A smaller bottle, for only $1.99. And I also picked up some paper plates. No too loud music, and no fishy smell.

Total sale $6.29.

Yeah, fuck you Zion Market, you can't MAKE me spend $5.

I even have a window!!

I officially have my own office at work. It's pretty cool. I've never had my own office before. Even when I was a store manager, there was THE office, but it was shared with my assistants. This past week my boss and I finally got our own offices. My office is pretty big actually. I have to be careful though about staying focused, yesterday I caught myself staring out the window at the steam rising out of the building across the way. For 10 minutes.

I'd like to put a big futon or one of those papasan chairs to put in here so I can nap on my lunch break- or so I have a place to just SLEEP if I can't stay at home. I wonder who would even notice if I only went home to shower and change clothes?

My marriage is kind of at a stand still but there is definately a direction I am facing. That direction is out. I won't bother spending any time bashing my husband because I know some blame is mine- but this doesn't work anymore- plain and simple. I'm giving him a few months to get himself together and find a place- but my goal is that he is moved out by summer. That's 4 months.



So the papasan chair might be a really good idea. I think I saw one online at Pier 1 for under $100.

How to talk about sex with a child; or "the jizz talk."

Something really really REALLY funny happened today. You mom's will appreciate this, I think.

I got a bit buzzed tonight. I tried not to be to weird about it, but I sat in the living room watching TV with the kids, trying to stay quiet until Gabriel said... "What's Jizz?"

Alex and I froze and looked at him. Alex said, "WHAT?" and I smacked him.

"What's Jizz?" he asked again. I started giggling, wondering if maybe I said something. I looked at the TV, in which they said it again. But it wasn't jizz- it was "chizz." However, Gabe was saying, "jizz." Again and again.

Did I mention that I was buzzed??

Alex and I exchanged glances again and I defined "chizz" based on how it was used in a sentence on iCarly. (definition HERE.) I was trying though, not to laugh. Not to let on to Alex how funny I thought it was. How I know Alex was trying to pretend he didn't know what it meant and probably more so- pretend that I didn't know what it meant. You never, EVER want to think of the word "jizz" and "your mom" in the same sentence. But I was laughing now, and Gabe's insistance to keep saying it- because it was getting a response from both me and Alex. Alex kept trying to correct Gabe, saying, "no it's chizz Gabe. CHIZZ." At this point, either one of the words coming from my sons is making me hysterical.

I called Mike, to see if he had heard this- he was hunched over in the kitchen. Trying just as hard not to piss himself because HE was laughing so hard as well.

"What is jizz mommy? Do you like it? Do YOU like jizz mommy?"

I could not take it any longer. I laughed now, outloud. Hard and loud. The best laugh I've had in months. Gabe was kind of amused by Mommy's display of maniacal laughter. Alex was mortified.

I was officially loaded. And laughing hysterically.
My 6 year old asked me if I liked jizz.

Jizz.

best.day.ever.

Don't hate me cause I'm nekkid...

Statistics is making me crazy. Seriously batshit crazy. I have not hated a class this much since 12th grade algebra.

Last night I had somewhat of an anxiety attack over my inability to figure this out.

I handled it with a Xanax and a few Vicodin.
Then I let my husband take advantage of me.
We all have our ways of dealing with things.

Even rage takes a vacation sometimes...



Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!!!

it's when I stop caring that you need to worry....

I have these 4 stones on my desk. They are these flat shiny rocks that say Hope, Faith, Serenity, and Peace. There was one that says Courage.
Ironic that I lost that one.


I saw Revolutionary Road last night. I loved it. It was not what I expected, and I think that's simply because I don't research or pay too much attention to previews. I see Kate and Leo and I'm in.

What I found interesting is a dynamic that I thought only happened in my house. The extreme highs and lows that happen in a matter of days. Or at least what LOOK like extreme highs and lows. One evening, screaming and cursing and saying the most hateful hurtful things. The next morning- having breakfast as if it just didn't happen.

It doesn't make anything ok. Sometimes that's just how it is. Sometimes you just have to move away from the ugly place and get on with your day. Just because you are playing nice the next morning, doesn't mean that the things you said WEREN'T said.

Oh they were. I said it, you said it.
And we meant every word of it.

but here it is, 7AM. Would you like some coffee?

I can't hold back.

When Alex was 5 I took him to the movies for his birthday. It's become kind of a tradition, just the two of us. He picks the movie- we each junk food. Good times to be had by all- or at least that is what it's supposed to be.

Really, the idea was better when he was 6 and we were still seeing cartoons. I can handle cartoons easier than I can deal with Mall Cop.

Mall Cop.

A question- why is it that the previews in the theater are so fucking loud?? Do they think we can't HEAR?? Oh my God- it's like being in a Metallica Concert, only Metallica now works for DreamWorks. It makes me insane- and it happens every time. Too loud. I'm not just saying that because I'm old- I'm saying it, because I don't usually bring ear plugs with me to the theater.

The movie in itself, was just silly. It was funny, in a ridiculous kind of way- with moments that adults could appreciate, like the lochness monster tattoo after a night of drunkenness. No matches on dating sites, and really how peanut butter just fills the empty spaces in the heart. Ok, maybe that part is just something I can appreciate.

I've always had a thing for security guards. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's oddly true. Maybe because the jobs I have had made it necessary for me to interact with security a lot. At my old job, I used to hang out with the security guard, Joel, who was really cute and who liked hot choclate and the Steelers.

Anyway- so Kevin James is one of those big handsome guys that I tend to gravitate towards. If you know me, you know that I like the big guys. It's the daddy issues, I can't stop them. However, they were pretty firmly halted for two hours today.

There was something oddly endearing about the characted he played- the awkward guy with lots of useless facts. The going nowhere job and the crush on the hot girl was pretty cliche. Maybe I didn't watch the previews- but the story line surprised me, I guess I wasn't expecting so many people to get... um... beat up. I guess you could call it that.

The best thing about this movie was the soundtrack. I found a link HERE that lists some, if not all the songs from the soundtrack.

Survivor, I Can't Hold Back. It's like Eye of the Tiger.

Without Stallone.