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Using my 40's as a do-over for my thirties, only smarter. I often mistake the bees and honey reference with the one about free milk and a cow. This might explain my whole life.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Waiting

Meditation For The Day

There is a proper time for everything. I must learn not to do things at the wrong time, that is, before I am ready or before conditions are right. It is always a temptation to do something at once, instead of waiting until the proper time. Timing is important. I must learn, in the little daily situations of life, to delay action until I am sure that I am doing the right thing at the right time. So many lives lack balance and timing. In the momentous decisions and crises of life, they may ask God's guidance, but into the small situations of life, they rush alone.

Prayer For The Day

I pray that I may delay action until I feel that I am doing the right thing. I pray that I may not rush in alone.


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Am I ready to end the life I know and venture into a life unknown?

Soon.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Tuesday Ramblings

I am missing my kid today. This morning the two little ones were awake before I left for work so I put off doing my hair so I could sit with them for a few minutes and love on them. It was a good morning, so I did not want to miss the opportunity to get in a few hugs and exchange a few knock knock jokes. Alex will hopefully have his internet up in a few days so I can see him on the webcam by the weekend. I miss that little punk so much it hurts to think about him.

I'm trying to help Gabriel adjust. He doesn't understand what's wrong at home, he can't seem to pinpoint what is missing, but he knows that something is missing. He doesn't like to talk on the phone, but he will say goodbye to Alex on the speaker phone. I am not sure if Alex misses us as much as we miss him.

Sarah is leaving on Thursday for Colorado. I know that Michael is struggling with that also. I know what he's feeling and just like he could not help me, I can't help him. I'm trying to put aside any feelings of animosity for him, and be there for him the way he was for me- but I admit, I have not been very good at it. Sometimes it's hard to be a good person when someone needs you, when that someone has hurt you so much. I don't pride myself on being the warmest, most sensitive girl I know- but I never thought I would be cold. Sometimes I see myself going that way. Shutting off to his feelings because I feel that he has shut himself off to mine. He's hardened me, but the only one I'm like that to- is him.

I've been reconnecting with old friends lately. I've been doing that over the past year, I guess. I've found some on myspace and that's fun to catch up. It's wonderful to talk to people who knew me back when- and it makes me wonder if I could ever be that girl again. If I could ever be fearless and a rebel and outgoing and fun, the way I'm told I used to be. I'm trying. I have been hearing stories about me, from the past, when I was in high school- and maybe around 18... and I'm not sure who that girl was- but she sure sounded like she was a blast.


















Who the hell is this girl?? and where the hell did she get those trashy ass nails!!!!!!!!
Thanks Robert for this picture- it freakin cracks me up!!!

Monday, June 19, 2006

Perception


"Moments of perception can build into a lifetime of spiritual serenity, as I have
excellent reason to know. Roots of reality will hold fast despite the high winds of the forces which would destroy us, or which we would use to destroy ourselves."
- unknown...

Saturday, June 17, 2006

More than the price of admission

Admitted we were powerless, our lives had become unmanageable.

Last night I reminded myself (and a friend) that all of my best efforts have brought me only to this point in my life. I am powerless, but not blameless. Sometimes we see the clear path of what the right thing to do is, but we choose to go the other way-down the wrong path- for nothing other than pure selfishness.

I cannot blame the things I am unhappy about on my situation, or on my husband or his situation. I choose to stay. I CHOSE to stay 7 years ago when I was first faced with this. I chose to stay when I did have several oppotunities go leave. Was I being selfish?- was I trying to have what was not mine to have? Was I trying to create a life and a family where maybe there shouldn't be one? Was I trying to convince myself. Or maybe I was trying to make more out of less. I was trying to make the best of things, move things along and hope that perhaps it will all sort itself out in the end. I don't know, but what I know is that I have less than what I want in a marriage and that somehow makes my life a little less worth living.

I don't want a life that is not worth the effort it takes to live it. I can change it. I can make better choices and I can plan a better life and a better future for me. Happiness, a few laughs, respect, maybe even a man I can trust my whole heart with. But maybe now is not the time for that. Right now I have to stay on track with school and not deviate from the plan. First things first, and the first thing I need to do is secure my financial future- and that of my kids and that will come by finishing school. I know that while things are not exactly ideal here in this marriage, it's a means to an end and maybe in a few years, my best efforts will put me someplace else, someplace better. Maybe then love will come back to me- a love that I can believe in and a love that makes my life worth living. A love that is so real, I don't even feel that I deserve it because it's worth so much, and costs me so little.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Fear


Father Leo's Daily Meditation

Fear is a killer. It stops the God-given spirituality in our lives from
taking shape and making life enjoyable. Fear is connected with doubt -
doubt of self. Low self-esteem develops along with fear and in order
for confidence to develop, the fear must be faced, confronted and
talked about.

Fear is not going to go away because we wish it away or hope it sway
or even pray it away. Fear needs to be identified, located and seen for
what it is - or, as in most cases, what it isn't. Fear of people, things,
tomorrow or life itself grows so long as we forge that we are creatures
of God. There is nothing that cannot be faced or overcome.

Fear is never stronger than our spirituality. We need to bring
our fear into the light; then it can be overcome.
=================


Today I pray not to be afraid of what comes next. I find that I am gripped with fear lately because I feel outside of myself. Everything feels a bit off center and I am not sure how to get back there. I am practicing gratitude. I am allowing people in. Letting people love me, loving people back. Just putting one foot in front of the other, and letting life happen. I don't want to be so afraid of every next turn, that I miss the whole journey.

Let Go and Let God. I just need to practice that today. That is the response to fear.

Just let go.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

All I've got

So it seems that it's been a while that I've really talked about program. I guess I haven't really had much of one in a while. I was going to meetings, at least one or two a month, but I think it's been a whole month now. I almost don't want to go back, but I know that I need to. I am struggling lately. My life feels uneasy- and I know it's cause I'm away from a place that I feel centered. It's when I'm in pain that I really need program, and I can't deny that right now, I'm in pain- but it's not the same kind of pain. I guess I can approach it the same way. Just walk through it.

Be where my feet are and just let it run it's course. I used to try to move on to the next thing, so I don't have to feel my pain- but it always catches up to me. So I guess whatever I am going through right now, I just have to feel it. Regardless of how long it takes and how much it hurts. Just feel it- so when it's over, it's over. That's the best I can do right now. I am torn apart and it's all I feel lately. I miss Alex. I have spoken to him, once or twice a day the last few days. And it doesn't make me feel any better. We don't talk about much. He's 11- his phone conversation skills are lousy. And so we don't talk for long. It's not about talking to him, it's about the fact that at the end of the day, he's not coming home.

My husband, shockingly, has been really great this weekend. He knows I am struggling. He can see me crying all the time, and he doesn't try to fix it for me. He doesn't try to reason me out of my feelings- and he doesn't try to make it better for me. He has been good about leaving me be, and picking up my slack. I warned him that I wasn't doing well. That I am having a hard time. I told him that it's not the time for HIM to have a breakdown, it's my turn and he's going to have to deal with that. He said that was fine. He has been taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, and letting me sleep when I want to, which is really all I want to do right now. He brings me coffee and brings me a blanket. It's his way. We have a hard time relating to each other anymore, but I am grateful for his kind gestures. It must be awful to feel like this all the time. But I think today, I get it. Earlier today, I didn't even WANT to feel better. I just wanted to be sad, and cry and sleep. And I did. I left the house for lunch with my in-laws, and came home and went back to more sadness, more crying and more sleep. He didn't say a word. He knows how I feel right now. He can't make it better and he doesn't think he can either. But his efforts gave me something to be grateful about, and that helped me feel better tonight.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Or maybe the day after that.

I'm grateful for my husband being as great as he was today.
I'm grateful for my two boys who behaved at the restaurant at lunch and both of them napped afterwards.
I'm grateful that my son is safe and having fun, even if he's not with me.
I'm grateful that I have a job that I can go to tomorrow that is fun and engaging and keeps me busy and thinking.
I'm grateful that I have friends who love me and who are concerned for me right now and who are calling to check up on me, and try to cheer me up- even if they can't. It makes me feel good to know that I'm loved.

This too shall pass.

God I hope so.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Unconditional friendship

One of my best male friends is moving with his family this week. We have been friends for almost 2 decades and he has been so important and so supportive for as long as I can remember. We have faded in and out of each others lives for years. Talk consistently for a few months, then not for a few months, in and out, back and forth- the way true friends do. I know his family and they all know me, from his daugther to his mom. I have never known anyone who I didn't give birth to who was consistently so pleased to see me.

All of the major decisions I've made, since I was about 20 I have discussed with him. There was not much that happened, that he didn't know about eventually. And with all the the choices, good or bad, all of the messes I've gotten myself in to, and there were plenty, he was always there with support and kind words. Even if I couldn't BE more wrong. He allowed me to make my decisions and make my choices and never tried to push his own opinions on me, even though I know him well enough to know he had them. Whenever I was feeling down or sad, a quick phone call was all I needed to cheer me up and make me feel like I could make it through. I'm certain that I have not been as crucial to his life as he has been to mine. We have spouses and children and lives that are so incredibly different, but we share a friendship that has lasted a long time and has always meant more to me that he probably even realizes.

He sent me an email recently about friendship and how people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I don't have it handy, but I'm sure it's been rotated before because I've read it before. And I truly feel that he is a friend for a lifetime. I know I will still talk to him and I know I will see him ag
ain- but it makes me sad how we move on. People come in and out of your life and you just keep going, sometimes not even looking at those we have left behind. And sometimes, constantly looking back- and wishing we could have taken them along.

I have lost touch with many friends whom I thought I would know my whole life. And I have kept in touch with people who I was certain were merely around for a short duration. There's little rhyme or reason to why people come in and out of your life- and you can't control how long they will stay. Loss is hard. I've lost alot of people I love, some of them by no fault of my own- and some of them were the direct result of something I was at fault for. Sometimes it's just the way life moves us through.

I don't know where I'm going with this. There is no easy way to say goodbye when you know there a chance that perhaps it's goodbye for good. Maybe our lives will get busy and eventually the phone calls will get to be few and far between. Weeks turn to months, to years and all of a sudden, a long time has been TOO long. It's just the way things go and sometimes you can't change that no matter how much you want to.

A reason, a season or a lifetime.

Either way.

To you:
In the end I'm so very grateful for the friendship we share and for how you have added more to my life than you will ever understand.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

It's never easy letting go

Looking at this picture, I can see how much Alex and I really DO look alike. With my hair pulled back and no makeup on, the resemblace is undeniable. When I look at him, I usually see his dad, but in this picture, there is not a doubt in the world that this kid looks like me. I noticed once in a photograph when he was 5 or 6 that our hands are similar. But usually I guess because I don't look at myself at the same time, I never realized how much he does look like me.

He left last night. His dad showed up at 9PM on the nose and we loaded up the car. He said goodbye to his older stepsister who spent the day with us, and his little brothers who were clueless and tired and grumpy. Outside my husband gave him a hug and told him he loved him. And then Alex turned to me and said "Bye Mom" and we hugged tight and for the first time I started to cry. I didn't completely fall apart at that moment, because I was trying to be strong for Alex- but the tears were there and I hugged him tight and I really didn't want to let go. I thought for a moment how tall he was, and how he is not a baby anymore, but a young boy who is not too much shorter than me and I wondered when that happened, and why hadn't I noticed it until now. How long had it been since I had really stopped and hugged this kid tight??

We hugged for what felt like an thirty minutes while my husband went inside, appropriately feeling like this was a moment that was between Alex and me and my ex. I kissed Alex and told him how much I love him, and I will talk to him soon and I shuffled him into the car. His dad, my ex husband put his arms out to hug me. It was then I broke down. I cried, hard, into his shoulder while he patted and rubbed my back and promised me that he would take care of Alex. He promised me that he would be ok. He told me they would miss me, and "I love ya Jules" and he said what I never thought I would care to hear from him, he said, "You've done a good job raising our son." That meant alot to me- even though I never felt like I needed his approval before.

I went inside the house before they drove away and I went to my room and cried some more. My husband came in, and held me while I cried even more. I felt like I couldn't speak, but only sob- feeling like a peice of my heart had been taken away and the first thing I did say when I words could come out was, "Have I just made a huge mistake?"

But even as the words came out, I knew that I hadn't. I know that this choice will not make Alex unhappy. He is not being shipped off kicking and screaming, and I am sure that while he may still be a little sad today- he is already starting to get excited about it- as while I am very sad, I am excited FOR him. The other day I told Alex that saying goodbye is the hardest part. The actual moment of goodbye is the hardest. That yesterday would be the hardest part of all of this, and as soon as it's over, it will start to feel better a little at a time. I promised him that saying goodbye will be very hard and it wil hurt, but it only hurts for a little while. In my case, I also hope that's true.

Today I got out of the house. I went to my friends house and we sat by the pool and talked girl talk. She let me talk about my feelings and I was grateful for that. It's nice to be listened to and not always lectured at. It's not important to always get the 'devils advocate' opinion or sometimes anyones opinion. I don't need anyone to solve my lifes problems, but I think it's ok to ask for an ear to bend if I need it.

Still, it's Sunday night and I will not be recieving the call I get almost every Sunday night from my ex husband telling me that he is on his way with my son. My son is not coming home tonight- and I miss him already.

You never realize that anything in your life is missing until it's filled, and in turn you never know that you are filled, until something is missing.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

3 days

(Pic is from Decemeber 2004)

Tonight on the way home from my mom's house- Alex started crying. He said he was sad because he was not going to see his grandmother after tomorrow until Christmastime. I have thought that as soon as I saw him cry, I would start crying- but I didn't.

It's amazing how when we need to be strong, it sort of comes from nowhere. I assured him that he would talk to her all the time. That she is always logged in to Yahoo Messenger and he can chat with her probably every day. She'll get a webcam. So he can talk to her on that too and see her. Alex has always been very close with my mother. Sometimes closer than I prefer. If I want to get him to eat anything, I tell him that it's leftovers and that she made it.

My mother and I had a horrible fight when I told her that Alex was leaving. She has calmed down considerable, but she and I share different ideas about this. There are a few people who don't support my decision, but I know that it's good for him and he will enjoy the adventure and maybe even thank me someday for allowing him to go. Yesterday when he was crying, I wanted to tell him, "Alex if you don't want to go- you don't have to." I wanted to tell him that I didn't WANT him to go. I think if I cry and do enough talking, I can convince him that I won't be ok without him- and manipulate him into staying. And even I though I would be somewhat pleased, it's just more guilt that I don't need.

I have alot of friends who are very concerned and sorry for my "loss". But I did not LOSE custody of him. He did not get killed or abducted. This was a decision that I made to let him live with his father. Not a sister or a grandparent, not a distant relative. But his FATHER. The man who ALSO promised to love and care for him. My ex and I have grown to have a pretty decent friendship over the past years and we respect and understand each other, which is more than I can say for alot of ex couples. I think that Alex will only benefit by seeing us getting along. There are those who simply don't agree with what I'm doing, and that is ok too. I am grateful for my friends who love and support me, even if they don't agree with this decision. But like many things in my life, it was not one that I came to easily. I am not impulsive and while I am not exactly a "warm and fuzzy" mom, I do cherish my children and freely admit that I would never know true love without them. And it's because I love Alex with all my heart that I will let him go and experience something different and exciting and something that will make him happy.

Every month in Oprah's magazine she has a feature called "This I know for sure" or something like that- and here is what I know for sure.

As mothers, our choices are never easy.