fuck you, Karma. We're thru.

"I'll never find my heart

Behind someone else

I'll never see the light of day

Living in this cell

It's time to make my way

Into the world I knew

Take back all of these times

That I gave in to you"

-Three Doors Down "Let me be myself"

Dear Karma:

I get it. I made some mistakes. I made bad choices. I have taken many cookies from the cookie jar over my 37 years. I kissed boys (and girls) I shouldn't have kissed. I stole boyfriends and husbands and wasted precious time pretending I didn't know better. I see why you've been pissed at me.

However, whenever you're done assfucking me for my sins, I'd appreciate a goodbye kiss. I'm all for hot buttsex, but you know you don't even have the decency to use lube. I get that you don't have many friends, but your welcome is outstayed and now you're just pissing me off

I'm a good person. I take care of my kids and my husband. I don't break that many laws and while I've been known to get naked on the internet on occasion- nothing that I do is criminal. I'm tired now. I'm tired of swimming upstream and I now I just want to be happy.

How about we make a deal? I'll make better choices- and you stop making me feel guilty about them. In the mean time- if you could just lube up a little, that'd be great.

-julie

Dear Financial Aid Office:

Based on your records, the bank disbursed my school funds on 1/16/09. You got paid for this semesters tuition on the 16th. All is well in your financial aid world.

However, as of today the money has still not been released from the school. Um- hello???

I am paying interest on this money as of the date that the bank let it go. 10 days now. 10 days of interest on money that I don't have and I am therefore bouncing shit, as of... today. If I could avoid this phenomenon, I wouldn't need to borrow so much money to begin with.

So if you wouldn't mind... I'd really appreciate it. k??

This starving student, mother of three, and head of a single income family would really like to eat this week and it'd be just SUPER if you'd go ahead and release the funds that I'm already paying interest on. so you know, like, today... please?

seriously.

-julie


update 2:15 PM Thank you, financial aid office. I promise I will make it last 16 weeks.

25 things

I know I know... I've done these a few times, but my cousin tagged me and I just never say no to her cause she never asks for anything. I'm gonna do it here on my blog and not Facebook cause I need something to post here anyway and I'm not gonna tag anyone cause if I tagged you, you probably did it already. So here's my 25 things that maybe you did or did not know about me.

1. I cry at movies. A lot. I cried watching Bolt, and today I cried at the end of Rocky II. I cry more over movies and TV shows than I do about real life.

2. When I do cry about real life, I find it really hard to stop and I will cry on and off all day.

3. I still cry about my husband, more often than I care to admit, but he doesn't (and won't) know about it.

4. I starting blogging three years and 4 months ago. The blog was dedicated mostly to my journey in Al-Anon.

5. I have written more than 1500 blog posts between all the blogs I write and write for and there are people who have read every word I've ever written- or at least come very close to it.

6. To my knowledge, my husband has never read anything that I've written nor has he taken an interest in doing so. Probably a good thing because I tend to be seen quite often in various stages of undressed.



7. I was a dancer when I was younger. I've never loved any hobby or pastime more than when I was a dancer- but I stopped after highschool and haven't taken a class or performed since.

8. ...except for my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary.

9. My roots are grounded in my family. They are the hardest ones to turn to when I need them, but I know that they are always there. Always.

(this is my most favorite picture in the entire world)

10. While I am not making enough money to adequately support my family, 95% of the time, I LOVE my job and I LOVE the people that I work with. I finally feel like I'm doing something that matters.


11. I am trusting and forgiving to a fault. If you tell me you're sorry, I will believe you. Even if I should never forgive you, I will- I'm just that way.

12. ...unless you are now or were ever my husband.

13. I didn't want kids when I was a teenager. It wasn't until I dated someone who told me he couldn't have and didn't WANT kids that I even considered it.

14. A boss I had said something to me that quite often helps me make hard decisions. He said, "When you are an old woman and you look back on your life, what do you want to see?"

15. I have had sex with four of my supervisors. (Person from #14 was NOT one of them)

16. How I met my first husband: I gave him a job. Scheduled him to work with me all the time and hit on him the first chance I got. I married him later...


17. The weirdest toy I ever got to review was a big round egg shaped vibe that had these plastic nubby things on it that were kinda pokey. I looks like a blowfish and I was tempted to put eyes on it and throw it in a tank of water.

seriously right???

18. There is rarely an important decision I make in which I don't first consult my best friend Ed, it's been like that since I was about 19.

19. Oh my god, really.... twenty five????

20. I have not decided if I want to go to the 20 year high school reunion.

21. I have realized that I sometimes talk about things in MY world that don't translate the same in YOUR world. For example- me talking about dildo's is about as normal as talking about kitchen appliances or lampshades. I forget that for most people, sex is something they just don't talk about.



22. I have also realized that by letting people know that I am totally open in talking about it, people will open up to me and often feel good about admitting things they think are weird or crazy. Trust me, nothing shocks me.

23. I have a girl friend who I let tie me up with ropes, cause she needs the practice.



(that is a chest harness and a spreader bar)

24. It's 12:30, one more gratuitous picture of me and I'm going to bed.



25. Goodnight.

Crazy never sleeps

There was an altercation at my work the other day. I work at a hospital and occasionally people get angry and things start to happen. The nurse manger got punched in the face once. Nurses get grabbed and swung at. Once a crazy patient threatened to stab a little girl with a pencil (that he got from the chapel!)

I did not hear about this entire event, and really I didn't need to. Apparently though, it was between family members. No not brothers and sisters...

But the family members of one patients and the family members of the patient in the next bed.

Oh yeah, you heard me.

They were in the inside of the patients' room when it stared, but apparently SOMEONE said, "They ought to get this fucking illegal alien out of this room!"

Yeah, you can see how nicely THAT went over.

Both families- each containing a few people EACH were ushered into the hall way once the yelling started and then it got very loud, and ugly racists words were exchanged and security was called- STAT. I am not sure exactly who hit whom first, but I heard there was some swinging involved. Security did not get there fast enough, and you know- what's FAST ENOUGH when you are throwing out ugly things like that.

This is a community hospital people- where we, as health care professionals have a responsibility to care for people who come through the doors. I don't fucking care about your political beliefs OR your complete LACK of class and human decency. Shut the fuck up. Really- all parties ought to be ashamed of themselves.

Health care is a human right. Take your bullshit someplace else.

dental psychosis

Gabriel had his first dental work done yesterday. He was not blessed with good healthy teeth. He brushes and all that- but if his father or I are any indication, well, yeah- he just wasn't blessed.

We have new Dental Insurance, a PPO. The First PPO plan I have ever elected for. We are an forced to be an HMO family because paying a % of good care is good if you don't have someone who is hospitalized 8-10 times a year. It just isn't possible. But this year I opted for the more expensive dental plan, realizing that the work that I need done is not going to be covered at ALL by an HMO so I'd rather pay for a percentage of it, than pay for ALL of it. Anyway... Gabe needed nerve treatments and crown on a few bad cavities. 4 of those. AHK!

It turns out that there was an abcess and they needed to remove one of those teeth. So they did that.

The dentist office I chose is popular in my neighborhood as it specializes in Children. Ok, that works fine. There's a few things I had serious issues with.

a) Papoose Boards. I am not even going to look it up and link it, cause it just makes me sweat. I discussed my concerns on this with his dentist, a very nice, young attractive Indian lady who assured me that they LOOK scary but they are really necessary. "I will have sharp instruments in your sons mouth. If he flails his arm, and hit me- I could cut his lip right off."

ok. fine. I don't like it- but I work in a hospital. I understand when restraints are for the patients own safety.

b) Parents are not allowed in the room when the work is being done. Ummm- what?? Why not? What if he's scared- what if he needs me? The dentist assured me that when parents are around, kids tend to play it up more. You know how other people tell you that your kids are SOO polite and so well behaved, and you just don't see it? It's like that. If I am there he will scream and cry and throw a fit, but generally when the parents are not there- they don't do that.

ok. fine.

So I prepared Gabe yesterday, using the terms that the dentist used and he seemed all good. At one point, AFTER they told me about needed to remove the tooth I could SWEAR that I heard him screaming. A mother KNOWS the sound of her childs scream. You know it, cause it's like running a blade up my raw spine and splicing it open. I turned and looked towards the front desk, past the other people- and it was as if nobody else heard it. I felt like I was going to pass out.

I breathed deep, sent a text message to someone (who clearly missed my point) and then just sat for a few more minutes until Gabe came out. Looking a bit misty- big gauze in his mouth. The lovely young dentist called me over- gave me further instructions. He needs to do the last crown still- and he will need a spacer for that missing tooth until.... the new one comes in? (can't remember). I asked, was that Gabe I heard screaming?? She said no... he was pretty quiet and very sleepy the whole time.

hmmmmmm.....

I asked Gabe, who didn't seem traumatized at all. I asked if it hurt and he said, 'no not really'. He said it was tingly. He said it was a little pinch like they said. I asked if he cried, he said no. Well.... ok. Maybe the screams in my own head just SOUND like my children.

Oh- and when we got back to my mom's house, I mentioned that he had to go back one more time. THEN he started... screaming and crying and throwing a fit.

Well I'll be damned...
--

And his dental work is NOTHING compared to what I've got coming.

You're just a tool

I'm currently watching two shows. Typical VH1 TV that I just love.

Tool Academy
and
Confessions of a Teen Idol

Tool Academy
You GOTTA know that I love this. Really.
Tool Academy... take 8 men... total "Tools" and their Misses Tools. Lets see if a little bit of counseling, some challenges, and all their douchebaggedness on camera- can turn them into men their mama's won't be embarrassed about. Yeah all these women should not want to be out in public with these assholes. I mean I'm sure they are nice enough in private. Charming and fun and all kinds of energy- but you know. They THOUGHT they were on a show called Mr. Awesome. Right there, that tells you that these guys are really just big sacks of sweaty cock.

Guys dancing around in their "man panties", and the REAL girlfriends of 6 years showing up out of the blue. What the hell?? The secret girlfriend sent him to the Tool Academy? Man, you gotta be the biggest. wad. ever.

Confessions of a Teen Idol

two words...
Christopher Atkins


(click for 80's nakedness)

And if he isn't enough reason for me to tune in, well it's interesting to see these guys and where they've been and what they've been through and I'm always hopeful for a happy ending.
And Eric Neis... while he's a long way from Real World... (enter dirty joke about "The Grind" here).


Yeah, he still looks good to me.

Really, I'm a sucker for a happy ending. I want these guys to do well. Even Adrian Zmed.



Probably the best dance number starring Michelle Pfeiffer in a bowling alley. And you know, here's the link to Cool Rider- cause if you watched all of the above clip, then I KNOW you're looking for it.

C-O-O-L R-I-D-E-R

Is two weeks a break??

I dont' really think so- but for as much as I need a break, I am just posting shit somewhere else. Holidailies overloaded me. So I'm sorta back- refusing to be pressured to blog every day here cause I just don't think I'm all that interesting.

School is kicking my brain like a (insert name of famous soccer player here) and while I'm mentally exhausted from so much homework- I feel like I'm learning something. I was explaining to my friend The Drummer that while I can take a serious of numbers and standard deviate the fuck out of them... I can't tell you what that final number actually MEANS. I'm like that classical music guy who couldn't actually HEAR his own music. Or something like that.

Work is a hilarious disaster rightn ow as they are remodelling our wing and my boss and I have been displaced like refugees. So we are now sitting in the break room on another hall. Yah you heard me.
The break room. All day long with people eating and talking and making personal phone calls. Yeah like I don't have enough troubles with my ADD.

Last week someones phone was in thier locker and an alarm was going off every 3 minutes. I was about to lose my shit. It made me think of the Annoy-o-tron and how my best friend Ed has placed it in his co-workers office and now two weeks later the guy still hasn't found the source of the beeping.

Seriously dude, that guy is going to kick your ass. When he does, I won't laugh at you, but in your general direction.

Over the weekend my "not overmedicated" (read: totally snowed) husband (for now) fell asleep on the bedroom floor. When he didn't wake up, I checked his pulse- when I realized he had one- I left him there. I knew he was gonna be sore when he woke up- cause man it was a really uncomfortable position. You know when you just sort of crumple to the floor? Before you straighten yourself out. Try THAT for a few hours. I did take a picture of it though. Cause I find humor in tragedy.

No, I'm not gonna show it- I'm not that cruel.
Ok- so I video taped it.

awesome.

Barack Obama drops in on Ben's Chili Bowl in D.C.

He likes chili dogs.

I know it isn't just me, but I'm excited about this man leading our country.

going crazy, brb.

Today is my last Holidailies post. I have not blogged every day, but close to it. Now since I have done this on both blogs- I have done a fucking LOT of blogging. So what's new after 30 days?

Well I don't know.

I'm in a funk and I don't even FEEL like getting out of it. I'm hoping that this 2009 thing is going to be good for me.

I am thinking about taking a break from all this blogging and writing. I am thinking I need to refocus and get my shit together because I've been floating through for a while. I need to figure out where my career is going, where my marriage is headed and some other shit that I won't talk about. I think running my mouth has just gotten me into trouble.

In order to satisfy my communication fix, I may post pictures, or other links, videos, songs or other crap. You can also find me on twitter.

But I think I just need to be quiet for a little while, but I'm sure I'll be back to soon enough.
Email me at juliedoyaloveme (at) gmail (dot) com. Don't be a stranger.

Peace out.
-julie

always sunny.... in a rich mans world

So I have been not so good with posting every day here.  I don't know why, I guess I just don't have too much to say.  I mean, seriously can I bitch incessantly about my husband, ever day?

Well, of course I CAN-

but I'm not gonna cause if I bore myself, I suspect you all must be clicking away like I had posted the Gen Simmons sex tape.

Hey, not that he's not allowed to fuck, but like- I don't wanna see it. Really, that's sayin a lot.

My classes start again tomorrow.  Statistics, something miserable like that.  I hope it will be engaging and such and not bore me to tears like my LAST stats class did.  I guess I should be really interested in it, considered data analysis and all that is my job.  

Speaking of jobs... I really need to figure out what I want to do about mine.  Now I do love my job.  I've said that before.  My boss is a little overbearing and controlling, but you know- she's like 9 kinds of awesome really- and if I stepped up my game she wouldn't have to get on my case.  The problem is that I just don't make enough money.  

Now I know that in this economy I should be grateful to just have a job.  Believe me, I AM.  I am SOOO happy to JUST have a job.  There are a lot of people who have recently lost thiers.  I am also terrified of change.  My big fears about finding a new job are that I will HATE the new job, or they will hate me.  My job searches have all been out of necessity.

One would argue that supplementing my families income with student loans constitutes necessity for a better paying job.  I know this.  I will have close to $80K in student loans when I'm done with grad school.  This 80K will have supplemented my income over the span of 6 years, give or take.  Even with that extra 13K a year, roughly, it's still been tight.  I am lucky that I am not without help when I needed it. I have a relatively ideal system when it comes to day care.  "Relatively" because my parents helps a lot and I pay them a little- and the highest cost is having my parents tell me how to be a parent- and you know that always goes over like a big shit sandwhich.

I do keep my eyes open for better paying jobs.  I just don't look actively.  It's a taxing process and right now I don't WANT to invest the time in something that scares me so much.  Somedays I think my life is stressful enough without borrowing trouble, you know?

So anyway.  Here's hoping this year will be a good year for sex toy sales.  If Mike get healthier, maybe I can get a weekend job.  Stop groaning.  I like to work those second weekend job things cause usually they are at a less suckable place, the shifts are short and it doesn't make me feel bad to quit when I have to.  

Maybe I'll go apply at A Touch of Romance.  

You know what's funny- is that my husband actually complains when I talk about getting a second job.  He, unable to work, bitches when I talk about working more to make more money so that you know... I can knock out the rent.

ohh... don't get me started.

Back to life.

I am ready to get back to class.
Ready for the kids to go back to school.
Ready to stop being suck a damn veg.

And I am going back on my meds.
Yes- I started back today- and I will make a very concentrated effort to do this every day. Nobody likes me crazy, and really it would be bad- it would be more than bad, it would be fucked in the ass without lube or warning, bad- if I got really sick or debilitated by some sort of Hypertensive Emergency.

So being better on my meds is something I need to do mo betta this year.

I DO have a few things on my horizon.  

*Tess is coming to LA in a few weeks.  YAH!!

*I promised Mike that we'd go to Vegas on a little trip. Since I'm SURE he's probably get sick, it's a good thing that I've got some friends out (Andy, GolfWidow, and Shi) there that I can visit.

*More trips to New York.  I know of one, and if I get to be in the Calendar next year, then maybe two more.

*Oh, and Britney Spears in February  Yeah, I said it- you got a fucken problem?  I love Britney.  Besides, I have a soft spot for women who go crazy after not marrying well and then having two sons in a row by said husband who she will now spend many years financially supporting.

wait. what?

ok the year in review...

So even the kids can understand!! Thanks Tom for this link.