HNT on Hump Day.

It's been quite a week. The ehusband got back out of the hospital and decided to come home and annoy the fuck out of me. It is never ending and I should just let it go. Resistance is futile. School however is going really well and I'm looking forward to it being over.

This morning on the radio I heard that the average woman has 19 pairs of shoes. I thought. "That's Crazy!" but then I thought about it for a moment and realized that I, NOT a shoe person who has a low arch, have about 9 or 10 pairs. Three work shoes, two pairs of boots, three pairs of sandals, one pair of dress heels, and one pair of trashy whore heels. Wait, then there are the flip flops, like three pairs of those. So yeah, I guess 19 is about normal. How weird is that??

I would totally go crazy with shoes if I did not have foot issues. I can't wear them too high, and they can't be flat. I usually have to buy some sort of arch support if they ARE low, otherwise my feet will hurt all day. I can walk all day in 1 and a half inch heels, but you know, who wears them with scrubs??

The diet is going along OK. I am definitely eating better, and I have more energy. Yesterday I was able to climb two fights of stairs without wanting to kill myself. I did that several times yesterday cause my boss was having technical difficulties in her classroom two floors above my office. I was happy about that. Who ever thought I used to love the stair master!! I have not lost much weight, like I said before- but I guess I am eating better and have more energy, and that in itself makes it good.

Last night the ehusband went to the grocery store and came home with too much stuff from the "out dated foods" cart- so there is now 4 boxes of donuts in my freezer, (Can you ever DO that?) Doritos, Valenties Day mark downs. Are you trying to fucking kill me with this shit?? Hey- DIABETIC FUCK HEAD, what the hell are you thinking???

Douche.

Oh and lest I forget, I'm a day early but happy half nekkid thursday (tomorrow).

TMI Tuesday.

1. What can you consider as the greatest thing you've ever done for/ to yourself?
Go to school and get my education. I'm almost done. 91 days (and 2 more years for my masters degree.) It has done more for my self esteem than it will ever do for my wallet, although I am looking forward to that too.

2. What/ Which part of your life you think you could have done better and why?
I could have taken better care of myself. I would not have started smoking, and I would have exercised more.

3. Do you have that one person whom you consider to be the wind beneath your wings?
I think really, it's my cousin Lori. She has been a constant support for me for so long and even when I do things that are not cool- she doesn't judge and will still help me pick up the pieces when I break. She has been my college adviser, my designated driver, my psychologist and my best friend.

4. Tell us about your longest relationship.
The e-husband and I have been together for about 10 years now. Married for 8. If you didn't know, it's sort of a love/hate marriage that is convenient and inconvenient in the same sentence. I love and hate him in the same breath. He fills my empty spaces while he creates huge gaps in my heart. I don't know if I would say he was the cheese to my macaroni, but he is definitely the boiling water that cooks the noodles. (Ok, well...whatever.)

5. In a relationship, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?
Apparently, never.

Bonus (as in optional):What is that one intimate moment with someone you miss so much and what are you willing to risk to have another moment of it. ;)
I really do miss when the e-husband and I used to be madly in love and could not keep our hands off of each other, long before the drinking and the drugs and everything else that could possibly go wrong in a marriage. I miss the idea of living a long happy and loving life with him, and I guess I am risking a future with someone else to try to relive that with him.

What the weekend had in store for me...

Well I got new toys and the e-husband was in the hospital- so you know, I am in a much better mood than I was on Friday. I'm looking forward to tomorrow though, cause I get to talk to my crush again. It's like I'm 14.

I think I just love the attention I get from crushes. I am safe, since I'm married and all that. yeah yeah. So they can lay on thick layers of attention to me, and not have to commit to anything. I don't mind it. It isn't real- it's just a hair flip, ya know?? But I like it. I like the way it makes me feel. I feel... interesting and funny. I have something to look forward to, and I still don't have to do my makeup.

Maybe I should not be flirting with disaster such as this. Idle hands are the devils tools- and in my case an idle mind is the devils whorehouse. It's should be noted that the place is disease ridden and probably due for a raid by the authorities any day now. Meaning, something will slap me back into place and I will return to my life. But for now, I can be closed off an non committal, and still get excited when the phone rings.

toys and a bit of bitching....

So I changed the background here. it's trippy. I dig it.

Last night I got my new selection of toys for review from Adam&Eve and a movie. 4 Words. Hot Jewish Porn Star. ha! Dont' believe me? Google: Joanna Angel. Smokin...
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So it my ever changing emotional state, I despise the e-husband today. He's just pissing me off, big time and it seems like he's pushing me to say the things that he really doesn't want me to say. I was talking to my crush recently, and we were talking about the dynamics of my marriage. It's all a series of choices. Life is a series of hard choices, and I pray that he (and anyone else) never have to make some of the choices I've had to make. Not that I over importa-cize (huh?) my life- cause I know compared to some, my life is trivial and ridiculous. But you know, in the grand scheme of things- "things" being 'the world according to the most awesome twat around' - well it all matters to me.

So is it too soon to name one of my new toys after my crush???

I ate healthy all week...

and all I lost was a lousy pound and a half!!

What-fucken ever.
I am down about 7 pounds which is not much and not enough. I have done what I did not want to do, was get totally obsessed with this. I think it's cause school is not very interesting right now. Major senior-itis. The good thing is that I do have lots of energy and I'm in a very good mood, I'm not sure if that is due to the better eating, or the boy I am crushing on, but nobody is asking.

I plan on having that countdown at the top of my blog until I graduate though- just so you are all aware... And maybe send me presents when I'm just a week away.

smitten kitten

I met someone recently who makes me smile. That's it- just makes me smile. It's nice to have people like that. It's nice to look forward to the next time you talk to someone, just because you have things in common and it's a nice exchange. I guess I have a crush... yeah, I totally do.

We all want to change the world.

I worked on Saturday. Normally I would groan about it, but it was another community awareness event that we sponsored. This program has been the single most frustrating work project because it was a big event with too many chiefs for any tribe.

In the end, it was about 300 people, mostly women, learning about stroke and heart disease and it was an insane success. I truly love working these events because my lack of clinical skill means that while my attendance in required- my job is to walk around and make sure things go smoothly. I got to talk to the attendees, answer the questions that I could answer, and basically be social and gracious all day long. Yes, I can be both of those things. I love community awareness events and while it was an exhausting day and I was glad to be home, I felt like for all the stress we accomplished something fantastic.

The e-husband is back in the hospital, which seems about right. It's been about 6 weeks since his last stay so he's on schedule I guess. He's been a big baby since he got there and I have done my best to enjoy not having to listen to him bitch. I realize that I have agreed, albeit reluctantly, to spend the rest of my days with this man, but I never agreed to be his emotional punching bag. I did not leave work to take him to the hospital, my sister was in the area so she picked him up and drove him there. I had offered for days previous to take him and he refused for one reason or another. Saturday he called me in the middled of the event and practically demanded that I come home and take him to the hospital. Giving up 9 hours of overtime and an event that I had a major hand in planning. No. Simply put, I said no. My sister being in the area was a fortunate coincidence and I made arrangement to get him help. My words were, "If you need help, then I can get you some, but I cannot help you right now."

Perhaps I should feel guilty, but I don't. It's not about the money, or even the job. It's about having some boundaries. If I dropped everything, every time he had a health emergency, I would never be able to do anything. I don't know if something being important to me is a trigger for him to get sick, or if it's just that he is just sick so often... Either way, I have to keep some sense of normalcy. I have to force myself to put my life first, because it is my life that makes all of our lives possible. I realize that he does not do this on purpose and it's not the same as him drinking or drugging, but this pattern is part of the same disease- and I cannot feed into it all the time. The resentment that goes along with that will destroy me. I know, I've been there.

Other than the usual drama... I saw movies this weekend. Lots of movies. Him being gone left me free to enjoy myself. I saw:

• Atonement- a beautiful downer. An great story with wonderful acting and all that. But just kind of a downer. Doesn't leave you feeling warm and fuzzy.
• Sweeney Todd- a beautiful bleeder. Oh my god, all the blood. I knew what the story was about, I just didn't realize we got to SEE all of that.
  
• Juno- Love it. Love it. Love it. It the kind of movie that makes me love seeing movies.
• The Bucket List- Not a laugh out loud kind of movie, but considering the topic... you should not be shocked.
• Across the Universe- I love this soundtrack, it just makes it all worthwhile. If you like musicals and you like the Beatles... it's great. You say you want a revolution, well, you know..
  

Valentines HNT

It's not new, but I made it red. It's Valentines day- blah blah...





Happy Valentines Day. Do ya love me??

Valentines Day Hair

I have Valentines Day hair. No, not messy hair cause I got LAID this morning. But messy hair because I woke up and realized that it ws Valentines day and I had not put together the VALENTINE'S for my kids' class. KIDS. PLURAL. Two boys. Two classes.

So I spent this morning rushing through 36 + 20 Valentines for 4 and 5 year olds. Doing my hair was not a priority. Coffee was not a priority. Well, not my FIRST priority...

A survey that I stole.

1. is there someone who is always on your mind?
Yes, there are a few. Usually my kids, and a few others.

2. why did you stop liking the last person you liked?
Ummmm. probably because he made me crazy. No matter how much I love you, eventually you will make me crazy.

3. what is your name?
Julie, Julie, Julie- do ya love me.

4. have you ever been to california?
I live here!- suck THAT bitches!!!

5. how is life going for you right now?
Not bad, I have very few complaints.

6. do you miss your ex?
My ex husband? No- he's just a phone call away.

7. are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?
Yes.

8. who was the last person to comment you?
Someone who said he likes older women and would LOVE to fuck me. yeah, thanks.

9. regret(s)
Not taking better care of my teeth.

10. what was the last reason you cried?
Because I was sad, of course. I was having a sad conversation with someone I care about and after I got off the phone, I cried because the conversation did not resolve anything.

11. what was the first thing you said when you woke up today?
Sure, that's no problem baby.

12. is there a reason for your myspace song?
I am not sure what my song is right now... but I probably was in that kinda mood or something.

13. do you have a best friend?
Yes.

14. what was the reason your last relationship failed?
My last MARRIAGE failed because of money, sex and the fact that we could not stand each other.

15. have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends?
Yes- usually because I made a snap judgement.

16. ever had something kinky done to you without expecting it?
Yes, that is when it's best.

17. do you own a pair of green pants?
They are dark khaki green and I have a matching shirt too. (Scrubs)

18. are you more independent or dependent?
I guess more independent, but only out of necessity. I think by nature, I tend to be more needy, but I have learned that I can't do that.

19. ever had the opposite sex over when no one was home?
Apparently this survey was written for teenagers or younger, I think I want to write a survey for adults.

20. do you believe that what comes around goes around?
God- I HOPE NOT!!!

21. what is your favorite fruit?
Bananas because they are quick, can be eaten on the go and are notmessy.

22. what is the most important thing in any relationship?
Compromise. (well said Josh.)

23. what is the last song to make you cry?
Stay, from Sugarland

24. does anyone love you?
Yes.

25. do you love someone?
Yes.

26. is your best friend pretty?
Yes- but it really would not matter if the answer was no.

27. have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
Several times- manage to dig deeper each time.

28. do you trust people easily?
Yes- it takes too much energy NOT to and I recover quickly.

29. whats the one thing that always gets you through the day?
It's a toss up. Sometimes it's my kids, sometimes it's a song, sometimes it's just a good cup of coffee.

30. favorite kids' book?
Santa Mouse

31. last time you got laid?
That depends on your definition.

32. where is one place you want to visit?
Colorado.

33. do you like hugs or do you freak when people hug you?
I like hugs. It's hard not to smile when you get a hug, even from a stranger.

34. ever felt that no one relates to you?
Yes, when it's about the e-husband, I often feel that nobody understands and therefore it can be a very lonely feeling when I am struggling.

35. had plans and broke them?
No- I always show up for everything, ever time. Yeah- right.

36. done anything illegal?
Yes- I once drove half a block with no seat belt on.

37. There was no question for # 37, so I will make up my own answer.
38D

38. are you a vegetarian?
No, meat is delicious. Go MEAT!

39. have you ever had surgery?
Yes, thre C-sections and an appendectomy.

40. who are you jealous of?
You know, everyone has thier problems. It would be easy for me to say someone who has a good marriage, or someone who has a perfect body- but you know, even those people would probably love to trade lives with someone else. I guess I am not jealous of anyone really- except maybe of people who can carry a tune. I don't want to be able to sing really good, but I would like it if I was not embarassed by my singing voice.

41. are you a lover or hater?
That depends on who you ask.

42. do you think your ex's new love is a player/hoochie?My ex's last girlfriend is a really nice girl. They are broken up now, and that kinda makes me sad, but she and I will remain friends- even though my ex husband will not like it.

43. what does your best friend call you?
Jules

44. if it's consensual, do you like pain during sex?
Yes, but it's even better when it's nonconsensual.

45. what were you doing 4 hours ago?
Sleeping

46. have you ever called 911?
Yes. My husband had passed out and he had a procedure done earlier in the day so I thought maybe it was something else. Shocker, he was just drunk and had passed out and almost landed with his face in the cat box. Good times.

47. next vacation you're going on?
I don't know.

48. have you ever crawled through a window?
I don't think so.

49. has anyone ever crawled through your window?
Hee hee, yes.

50. what would you tell your ex if you had the chance?
My ex husband? You should have tried harder with her and she would not have left you. But not with me, I was totally outta there!!

More than Wonderful

I went to a memorial service yesterday at work. A full 90 minute memorial service, held at work yesterday. I am lucky to work in a place that allows that sort of thing, and does not at all discourage employees from attending them.

Derrick Lewis, who I found out yesterday, was Pastor Derrick Lewis worked as a Public Safety Officer at the hospital. That is how I knew him. He was the security guard who worked at the front desk and he was the first person I met on my first day there. Perhaps I looked lost, but he reached over and touched my shoulder, and said, "Good morning there miss!" and he had a very warm smile. I told him it was my first day and he said "well good luck to ya! I hope I see you again tomorrow!" Every morning he would greet me and every other employee or hospital guest who would walk by.

Over the next year, I would stop and chat with him, asking him how his weekend went, how his kids were. He gave me really good potty training advice. Once when the e-husband was in the hospital, he saw me looking distraught and he talked to me, encouraging me to stay strong, I remember he put his hands on my shoulders and said, "Stay strong sister. You just stay strong." and he hugged me. Some mornings I would just ask him how he was doing and his answer was always the same, "I'm more than wonderful." Eventually when he would asked how I was, I would reply, "I'm much better for seeing you, my friend." I suspect he had this rapport with many people. He was that kind of guy and when he was standing up at the front desk, I was never too busy to say hello and receive his morning greeting.

He left the hospital early in 2007 for reasons unknown. He died on January 18th. He had a massive stroke and died within a few days, I was told. Yesterday the hospital held a memorial service for him and there were about 100 employees there. It was a very religious service, as I learned that he was a pastor at a church not too far from here. His wife came with two of their four young children. There was singing, there was praying, raising of arms. "Amens!" "Praise Jesus'" and all the things that you would imagine in a Baptist memorial service. It was wonderful. More than wonderful- just like Derrick.

He will be missed by so many, but so many were truly blessed by the way he touched our lives and we are all better for knowing him.

Scott Baio is a whiny little girl.

I'm watching Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant. I did not watch Season One, but I am watching the first show of THIS season in which he is dealing with his upcoming fatherhood. The first episode here takes you through the first 30 some odd weeks of the pregnancy. He's going to be a father in less than three months, and this guy is STILL whining. He doesn't want to know the sex (which is concealed in an envelope) because he does not want to face that it's real. He takes a daddy to be class and is FREAKED out when a real baby is passed around. He still wants to just coast through life.
I understand wanting to hang on to your bachelorhood and all that, but you know- at age 46- it should not take that long to at least GRASP on to the idea that you are going to have a baby.

Come on Scott, take off your dress and lets end this tea party!!!

get half nekkid!

Happy HNT!!

TMI Tuesday

Super Tuesday no less. There is still so much I have to learn about this process- I didn't realize that not all states have a primary, so I feel even more priviledged to have been a part of todays voting. I voted this morning before I came to work, JUST so I could wear my sticker proudly. I voted for Obama, and I feel very good about that decision.

My son doesn't seem to care about how exciting this is, even though the last time I voted, I brought him with me because I wanted him to understand how important this is- he didn't care when he was 10, but hopefully he will be more interested come November. I will have to make a point to talk about it with him because apparently it's not happening at school.

So here's my TMI Tuesday!! If you can, vote today!!

1. By what nickname(s) were you known as a child?
I've always been known as Jewels.

2. Do you have a favorite poem and, if so, what is it? Recite it (or a snippet) here, please.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference


3. What is your greatest regret in life, something that you failed to do that you wish you did?
I wish I had taken better care of my teeth, gotten braces when I was working at the Wherehouse and it was covered well by the insurance I was offered.

4. You are tired and hungry, but it's too late to cook. If any snack food were available to you, what would you choose and why?
Cereal. I LOVE cereal. It's fast, filling, and YUMMY.

5. What is the oldest item of clothing (not jewelry!) that you wear regularly and what do you love about it?
I have a pair of black pants that are kind of nice looking that I've had for about 7 years and I still wear them alot. They still fit, they are the right length and they have not faded!!

Bonus (as in optional):Name a movie or TV show that changed your thinking or behavior.
RX for Survival made me decide to change my major to Public Health instead of Health Care Administration. It really opened my eyes and inspired me
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/rxforsurvival/series/video/index.html
This is the link and you can watch some of the individual stories.
I hope it inspires you too.

The "Who what why" for Super Tuesday

Last night at a superbowl party I was somewhat involved, meaning I asked questions, in a conversation regarding the two democratic candidates. I am not very politically conscious, and I could even go so far as to calling myself 'uninformed' - but I try to pay attention when it's important and I think it is a great privilege to be a part of the voting process. I am still undecided about tomorrow, and I like many Democrats like myself (meaning Democrat but widely uninvolved in todays politics) are unsure about which candidate to vote for tomorrow.

This converstion that I was somewhat involved in was with two socially, politically informed, conscious and responsible people that I have known for some time and respect for thier intelligence and not 'talking out of thier ass'edness. They both seemed very pro-Obama, and not exactly anti-Hilary, but somewhat untrusting, saying that she was very corporate minded and that is worrisome and perhaps she's simply a fast talker. He told me a little bit about Hilary and Wal-Mart, which I did not know. And I also admit that I did not know that Wal-Mart was anti-union and I feel a bit guilty for shopping there. (Are they STILL not unionized?) See how uninformed I am?? What an ass.

Either way, so while I think I was leaning towards Hilary before yesterday, today I am just as unsure as I was before the California debate in which Hilary impressed me. Maybe I am impressed by fast talking and the idea of a woman in office, but perhaps she's not the right woman? I have a day to ponder this.

Keith, one of the conversants, said, "Just Vote Julie. Vote your conscious, but make sure you vote . It really does matter."

I know it does- I just want to be able to back up my decision.

Please, share your thoughtful opinions with me.

Sunday thoughts...

15 weeks left of school. Graduation is May 28, two weeks later. I'm so there. I was just telling e-husband that I have had bad relationships last longer than 15 weeks!! I can totally do this. So far my classes look challenging and there will be a lot of work and writing involved, but nothing I can't handle. Shit, what is there that I can't handle these days??
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I joined Weight Watchers and I lost 4.4 pounds my first week. I won't say much more about that.
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After 7 trips to the Middle East, my bad ass motherfucker brother, Rick, has retired from the Marine Corps. There is a link in my side-bar regarding his last trip to Iraq, which he returned late 2006. Mr Gunny. 21 in years in the Marines. He's seen and experienced so much and I'm so proud of him.
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Still potty training... getting closer. He has the peeing down pretty good, but he still isn't ready to poop in the potty, and if I pressure him, he gets constipated, so it works against me. Patience.... At least he usually waits till he is wearing a pull up... usually. grrrrr
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Oh- last week the e-husband had the endoscopic ultrasound and the esophagogastroduodenoscopy , yeah say that three times fast. Bottom line, no cancer. He has some pancreatic stones that they can remove and that may reduce some of his pain, but nothing that will actually FIX anything. I think maybe he was hoping for cancer, so at least he had something to hang on to... I guess I cannot blame him. "Guess what Mr. E-husband, you aren't dying, you just get to stay sick and miserable for maybe another 40 years!!" yeah, it's a bitter sweet diagnosis.
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Other than that, not much has changed. Life moves on, with me or without me.