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Using my 40's as a do-over for my thirties, only smarter. I often mistake the bees and honey reference with the one about free milk and a cow. This might explain my whole life.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

The trouble with detachment

The trouble with the idea of detachment is that you let go of what is not yours to control. If you have having issues with someone behavior, the most you can do is voice your thoughts or needs- and then allow the other person the dignity to make thier own decision as to what thier next action will be. Detach from the situation because it is no longer yours to deal with. Did I lose you?? Sometimes I lose ME in that scenario.

So if someone has said or is behaving in a way that I find unacceptable- I can only control my response to it. So I say, "hey that's not cool and I don't want to be around this." and then I walk. I stap back, I leave the situation alone because I cannot CONTROL the actions of the other person- I can only control my own. So I detach with love, or in some cases with hate, but either way- I detach. I let go of the results and my side of the 'street' is clean because I have not manipulated, lied or tricked to get my way. I simply tie my message to the balloon and let it go.

The problem with letting go of the control, is just that. I NO LONGER HAVE CONTROL. I find it hard to leave the results up to someone else because then there is a greater chance that they will not be the results that I want. If I still retain a sense of control, I do not have as much fear. Fear is what we go through when we don't have control. And I am not good at relinquishing control. All these years in Al-Anon and I still can't get that 'detach and let go of the results' thing down. It's not in my blood.

Damn I'm tired. I need to put my misery away for one day and see how tomorrow turns out.

Nails in the fence

Daily OM Horoscope

You may feel vulnerable today and at the mercy of all who might criticize your actions or choices. An offhand and thoughtless comment made by a colleague, relative, or friend can injure you to the core if you feel overly sensitive. This susceptibility can leave you feeling exposed and prone to emotional outbursts. Yet you may be able to curb your sensitivity by remembering that you likely have little control over how people in your personal and professional spheres interpret the world. What one person deems irrational may seem quite logical to another. Should you find yourself feeling hurt by denigration today, remind yourself that the judgment was in all likelihood not intended to cause you pain and then simply move on with your life.

============

Simply move on with my life. Sounds so easy. Last night in class our teacher told that story about the father who wanted to teach his son a lesson about saying mean and cutting remarks and had him hammer a nail into the fence every time he made a comment like that. And then once he stopped making those comments, he removed a nail for every day he didn't make those kinds of comments and then once all the nails were removed, they analyzed the fence and noticed all the holes, and how you can remove the "nail" (I'm sorry. ect), but the holes are still there.

Today I kind of feel like I'm filled with holes. I can move on with my life. Get rid of everything that isn't working in my life (Doesn't leave much) and move forward, but the holes are still there. I will surely carry fears from this relationship into the next one. I will certainly have my guard up and be sensitive about certain things- I see that happening already. As friendships fade in and out- my constant questions is "What did I do wrong? and How can I fix it?" All my experienced, 12 step-ed, psychologist visited, adviced out the wazoo, and every book ever read intelligence tells me that everything is not my fault, and other peoples problems or issues are not my fault and that sometimes relationships take turns and that is not always MY FAULT. And while I acknowledge it- and believe it- and some days I RELY on it- there is still that nagging voice that says, "what did you do now?" when something goes wrong.

The only way I can keep myself away from that kind of destructive behavior is to walk away from it. Not get resentful, not continue to tear myself down and take the blame, but to just walk away, or at least step back. If nothing else, it keeps me from having to put any nails in the fence.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Gratitude

When I took this picture, I didn't realize that he was peeing...

But this brings me to something I've very grateful for today. Gabriel is finally potty trained!!! Overnight, in the car, and at restaurants.

Hurray for Underpants!!!!!



It's the simple things that give me the most joy lately....




Saturday, September 23, 2006

Everybody's had to fight to be free.

"Somewhere, somehow somebody
Must have kicked you around some
Tell me why you wanna lay there
And revel in your abandon
Listen it don't make no difference to me baby
Everybody's had to fight to be free"

Today was a pretty good day by most accounts. My husband and I seem to be 'wrapping things up'. He's putting things into boxes, downsizing his belongings. Deciding what will stay for a while, and what he will take with him. Part of me still doesn't believe it's actually happening. Part of me is still expecting for something to come up and he won't be able to leave. The actual moving of the things has been pushed back a few days, even thought HE won't physically be here. He's going back into the hospital the week after next to get "fitted" for his insulin pump, which we are really glad about.

He is really glad about.

I am not supposed to give a damn.

But I admit. I do.
I hope that this helps him.
I hope he starts being compliant.
I hope he doesn't die within a few years, because that is where he's headed if he doesn't get serious RIGHT NOW.
He has spent a lot of time the last few days with the boys- and they are loving it, spending the time with thier dad. Sometimes I look over and watch them playing and I feel sad that it has to be this way.
But it does.

In the long run, it's better for everyone. Maybe this is why people leave in such a hurry. Because there is less time to look back and change your mind. I've given myself a lot of time to make this decision and I changed my mind a few times. I didn't rush or make the decision based on one bad fight or one bad incidence. This went wrong on almost every level and even then, we still tried to salvage what we could. I was explaining to my brother today that I am doing this my way, in my time- and in a way that will make me hate myself the least. While I have some guilt, I have no doubt that this is the right decision to make. And I am certain that I won't look back or regret it. Because I didn't rush in to it, or, out of it. I didn't walk away without thinking it through. Believe me, I've thought it through. I've spent years thinking it through, and I can say with 100% certainty, I did the absolute best I could, with what I had to make this marriage livable. And it simply isn't anymore. I struggled for a while, and kept it together- made the best of the good times etc., but eventually it became less and less workable. The good times were so few and far between and they didn't make up for the bad times. It's all about the bad times. And I know now that this is no way to live my life.

Nobody pointed it out to me. Nobody pushed me, or forced me. I did it on my own in my own time. And there has been a price to pay for it- but I think I will be able to live with myself, knowing that I feel I did what I thought was right.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Old habits

Michael was discharged from the hospital tonight and he dropped off his perscriptions and picked up the boys and I came home and was studying before class. So I was going to pick up his perscriptions before I went to class and I realized that I was late. He asked me, 'do you have time to pick up the perscriptions?'- and I knew that I didnt. I knew that it would make me late for class- and therefore late for my quiz which I do NOT get extra time for.

So I said, "yeah I think so." and I got in the car and left. As I am halfway to the pharmacy I realize that I will NOT be on time, and I knew I would not be on time- and why did I agree to do this. He has a car- he could pick them up?!?!? And I was kicking myself, because I put HIS needs in front of mine. He didn't even ASK me or guilt me into doing this. He asked if I had time, and with that- I volunteered to be late to class and possibly miss my quiz. He didn't even ask me to do this RIGHT NOW, he just asked if I would have time. Had I said no, he probably would have put the kids in the car and done it. But no, I decided that I can do it- because apparently I coddle him without provocation and refuse to put my goals in thier proper place.

You know, at least I recognize it- and perhaps I will be not be so quick to put his needs before my own.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Allowing others to be

From Daily OM- June 2006
Controlling Behavior




















We all know what it's like to want to be in control. In some ways, exerting control is an important survival skill. For example, we have every right to be in control of our own bodies and our own lives. Taking control in these cases is empowering and necessary. Controlling behavior in the negative sense comes from a tendency to reach beyond our own boundaries and into the lives of others. Many people do this with the rationalization that they are helping.


Controlling behavior generally goes hand in hand with an unwillingness to be direct about what you want, as well as an inability to let go and let people live their own lives.

It is hard sometimes to allow others to be who they are, especially if we feel we know what's best for them and we see them making choices we wouldn't make. However, if we are to be respectful and truly loving, we have to let people go, trusting that they will find their own way in their own time and understanding that it is their life to live. Just reminding yourself that the only life you have to live is your own is the first step to letting go.

=====


Friday, September 15, 2006

Daily Meditation

Sometimes I am amazed at how just what I need to hear comes into my inbox...

September 15, 2006

Walking Through
When Doors Open
When a door opens, walk through it. Trust that the door has opened for a reason and you have been guided to it. Sometimes we have a tendency to overanalyze or agonize over the decision, but it is quicker to simply go through the door and discover what's there as that's the only way to know. Even if it doesn't seem right at first, opening this door may lead to another door that will take us where we need to go.

Doors open when the time is right for us to enter a new space, metaphorically speaking, and we can have faith that walking through is the right thing to do. Sometimes we linger in the threshold because we are afraid of leaving our old life for a life we know nothing about. We may have voices inside of our heads that try to hold us back or people in our lives saying discouraging things. These voices, internal and external, are known as threshold spirits, and they express all the fears and doubts that arise at the beginning of a new life. Nevertheless, none of these voices can hold us back, and they will fall silent as soon as we cross the threshold.

There are many doors that open in the course of our lives, leading us into new relationships, jobs, friendships, and creative inspirations. Our lives up to this point are the result of all the doors we have walked through, and our continued growth depends on our willingness to keep moving into new spaces. Every time we walk through an open door, we create a sense memory that encourages us to move into the new fearlessly. When we enter the new space, we almost always feel a thrill and a new feeling of confidence, in ourselves and in the universe. We have stepped across the threshold into a new life.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Helping vs. Enabling. You vs. Me.























I am not going to lead into this with all the explanations, because it only brings me more questions that I don't have answers to. But the bottom line is this- my husband has no idea where he will be living in 2 weeks.

What in the world of FUCK happens now.

I can hear the voices of my well meaning friends, saying, "It's not your problem." "Let him sink." "Let him suffer." And part of me also realizes that they are true and accurate and not BAD advice. However. How do I do that??

This is where my struggle is today. One thing that I admit is that I have always had trouble with boundaries. With Michael, and really with a lot of people. I rarely put my foot down and say, "You can't treat me like this." My reaction is always to figure out why I had it coming and respond accordingly. If I feel I am being treated badly, I have a hard time pointing it out. It's an issue that I have. Perhaps that is the byproduct of being the youngest- having parents that were hot and cold emotionally- absent/dead father figures etc. Who the hell knows?? But somewhere along the lines, I adopted the thought pattern that if someone is treating me bad, I probably did something to deserve it. And besides, I'm strong and I can handle whatever comes my way- right??

So what is coming my way is the fact that I have set a boundary- and have simply been praying that I would not have to follow through with the consequences that I have set up.

I WANT to help him.
I WANT to make sure he is ok.
I WANT him to get better.
I WANT him to live.

But I also know that I can't. I can't help him anymore. It's time for him to grow up and pay some consequesnces. But how do I live with them? My mother is very hesitant to support my decision to throw him out. She went through this similar scenario. She left my dad- he was sick. He died. She felt guilt. Not that she killed him. But that she left him when he was sick. That she didn't help him. That he died alone. A L O N E. He had family too- but in the end, he died in the hospital- without anyone even in the waiting room for him to get out of surgery.

A
L
O
N
E

And she does not want me to have to live with the guilt that she went through. The guilt that I'm sure we kids unknowingly put upon her. And honestly, I don't want to live with that guilt either. I know that I will get past it. I will work through whatever guilty feelings I may have about what transpires over the next months. But I will still have to get past them.
Turning my back on him when it is clearly within my power to help, is something that I simply don't know how to do. I am terrified that he is going to kill himself. That he is going to get sick and die alone. That he is going to go back to drug, drinking, whatever. I am terrified that it truly CAN and will get worse. And all I had to do to stop it was just keep things as they are.

I know- I know. I FUCKING KNOW!! I can't do that. I can't live like this. I can't put my kids through this. It's not fair to them. It's not fair to these little boys to sit back and watch thier father give up. I know that forcing him out is the right thing to do. It's what we all need. And really, it's what I want. But fuck- when has it EVER been about what I want.

With all the resentment I can stand, I have proclaimed for years, "It's all about Michael! Everything is about Michael- I should have it tatooed on my freaking forehead." But you know- it IS. It always has been. It's never been about what I want or what I need. And I know that it's time that I change that. I need to. and I have to. But I know that I can only save one of us. If I let him go, I save myself and I save my kids too. If I continue to protect him, me and the kids drown.

I don't have the right to do that. I don't have the right to choose his life over thiers.
Hmmm.
I guess it's not him or me.
It's him or them.
I think that's a decision I can live with.


Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Compelled to Intervene

Watching a loved one or a peer traverse a path littered with stumbling blocks can be immensely painful. We instinctively want to guide them toward a safer track and share with them the wisdom we have acquired through experience. Yet all human beings have the right to carve their own paths without being unduly influenced by outside interference. To deny them that right is to deny them enlightenment, as true insight cannot be conveyed in lectures. Rather, each individual must earn independence and illumination by making decisions and reflecting upon the consequences of each choice. In allowing others to walk their paths freely, you honor their right to express their humanity in whatever way they see fit. Though you may not agree with or identify with their choices, understand that each person must learn in their own way and at their own pace.

The events and circumstances that shape our lives are unique because each of us is unique. What touches one person deeply may do nothing more than irritate or confound another. Therefore, each of us is drawn to different paths-the paths that will have the most profound effects on our personal evolution. If you feel compelled to intervene when watching another human being make their way slowly and painfully down a difficult path, try to empathize with their need to grow autonomous and make their own way in the world. Should this person ask for your aid, give it freely. You can even tell them about your path or offer advice in a conscious loving way. Otherwise, give them the space they need to make their own mistakes, to enjoy the fruits of their labors, to revel in their triumphs, and to discover their own truths.

The temptation to direct the paths of others is a creature of many origins. Overactive egos can convince us that ours is the one true path or awaken a craving for control within us. But each person is entitled to seek out their path leading from the darkness into the light. When we celebrate those paths and encourage the people navigating them, we not only enjoy the privilege of watching others grow-we also reinforce our dedication to diversity, independence, and individuality.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Serenity, Courage, Wisdom















God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;
and Wisdom to know the difference.

I read this prayer so often that I don't even pay attention to it anymore. I think in the beginning of my program, this prayer was all I could hold on to, and maybe not even all of it. Accept the things I cannot change... This is always a struggle for me. I was so convinced that with the right amount of nagging, begging, or even LOVE, I could plant seeds of change.

Accepting that I am no real use to him when he was in trouble has always been a struggle for me. After 10 some odd years together, very little has changed. I am still no real use to him when he's in trouble, and I still struggle with that.

Serenenity is the Courage to let go of what is not mine to handle. It seems so simple. Not my problem. Not my business. But in reality- it's not so simple for me. Today as I was dropping the kids off with my mom- she commented on how if he doesn't have anyplace to go, then he's my responsibility again. I said, "no- he's not." and as I headed for the door she reminded me, "He's YOUR husband. You married him. It is your responsibility."

Part of me wonders why I listen to that shit. Why I let her voice penetrate my logic. Because I DO feel that it somewhat IS my responsibility as his wife to be concerned for his well being. I guess I am not looking to IGNORE that responsibility, as much as I am looking for someone (and it would be nice if it were HIM) to take ON that responsibility for me. I realize as I'm typing it- all the problems with what I am saying and what I am thinking. This is against everything that I've learned in program. This is NOT my responsiblity- because we all have a responsibility for ourselves. He is not a child- he's a grown man. But he is also VERY sick. Physically and mentally he is very ill and he can't make decisions like a rational human being, because he just isn't rational.

I am not changing my mind. I know that I need to walk away from this to save my own life and that of the boys. His condition is very narcissistic and I need to be selfish for all of our sake. I will get over any guilt I am feeling, and I am hoping that in the end, I will know I've done the right thing. But today when he cried on my shoulder out of frustration, anger, pain and just sheer exhaustion it seems hard to see that end.

Doing the right thing isn't always easy, and it rarely feels as good as it should. Doing the wrong thing tends to obsolve us of guilt and give us some sort of pleasure. Doing the right thing can talk a lot of energy, it doesn't always offer instant gratification, and sometimes it rips your heart out. So simply based on how this feels, I guess I couldn't be any more right in walking away.





Tuesday, September 05, 2006

How NOT to Ruin Your Life

I came across an article in Yahoo! Finance called How Not to Ruin Your Life. I didn't read the article, but the headline immediately envoked a response in me. "Yeah, if I only had an ARTICLE to tell me what not to do."

Would I have read it anyway? I spent most of my formative years reading magazines and watching my older siblings and watching TV shows and movies that were probably too 'mature' for me. I am not sure if what I retained from it helped me: A crazy boy will burn your house down if he loves you enough. Don't step on the fish that look like a rock. "Doin it for Johnny" will get you shot in the streets. I certainly didn't listen to my mother, at least not enough- and I didn't heed warnings from Dear Abby, or even Tween 12 and 20. Then again I don't remember if any of it really addressed many of what I've gone through.

How would I have not ruined my life?? Maybe I would have not dated my first husband. I hired him for God's sake. Then I dated him (first mistake), got pregnant (three months later), married him- and divorced him. hmmmm.

Maybe I would have stayed single longer, even though I am not good single. Left to my own devices, I'm dangerous. I admit it. I'm more independent when I'm IN a relatively secure relationship than when I'm single. It's one of my less attractive traits.

Maybe I would have not been so silent for so long about my husbands drinking. Maybe I would have gotten help for myself. Maybe I would have walked before I even found out about the drinking. I had enough red flags, even before the drinking became obvious. Maybe I would have postponed the wedding when I had doubts about his drinking. Maybe I would have left when I figured out what it meant to be an alcoholic. Maybe I would have left after the first year, or the second. Maybe I would not have gotten off the pill. Maybe I would not have had the third child. maybe maybe maybe....

Looking at my life now- yes, I've gone through a lot of crap. But you know, maybe I'm a better person for it. Maybe I'm not so cocky. Maybe I have more respect for people who struggle with thier marriage. Maybe I have a different respect for myself. Perhaps I just realize that I can't change the bad without taking away the good. And while there has not been a LOT of good- there has been enough. It's too late to turn back now, and it's foolish to think of what might have been. I'll bet that it could have been worse, it really could have.

I guess my life isn't ruined really. Just a bit twisted. And really, there is only one mistake that I would change if I could. Just one.

I'd have taken better care of my teeth.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Mama said there'd be days like this....



I'm not sure if I'm the cat or the dog.

====

Last night on my way home from Karaoke with my friends, I realized that my old patterns are coming back. I have again, fallen in to the old patterns of giving too much of myself and not getting the same back in return, and then feeling pushed aside or slighted for it. I found myself in tears, feeling rejected and lonely. I am not sure how valid these feelings really are. I am not good at holding back my feelings. I'm not very good at rejection in any form and I'm not the kind of person to play the game and pretend I don't care, when I do. I'm absolutely transparent that way. So my friends are looking at me, I suppose, thinking, what the hell is the matter with you? And the truth is, I don't know. Do I having unrealistic expectations? Am I demanding and irrational? Am I behaving like a spoiled child?

And why?

I feel so unsettled and stressed. I have a daily headache. I am consistently anxious, despite my medications to keep from being that way. Perhaps it's because the clock is ticking, I am determined to keep my boundaries regarding my husband moving out and I'm practically getting hives from the prospect of having to enforce them. My life is on the verge of changing. I have a clear cut opportunity to have a better life- and I think I'm scared to death. I'm leaving the present plan of "a miserable life" behind. And replacing it with a clean slate. Possibilities Unknown. Opportunities Unknown. I always assumed that the demon I know is better than the demon I don't know- that is how I have played it safe for so long. But I know that is so illogical in this case- but I'm scared anyway.

I know that I'm supposed to make MYSELF happy first. I know that I have to address the emotional issues that trapped me in this so-called-life. But I feel insecure and vulnerable, and when I feel that way- I fight back. I don't know if I'm the kitten fighting the big dog, or the big dog attacking the kitten. And who am I fighting with anyway??

Last night on my way home, I was tempted to stop at a local motel and check in. Turn off my phone and hide. Instead I came home and got a decent nights sleep. And this morning, in the light of day- it still sounds like a pretty viable option for the weekend.