Bring it on, Academia!

Like most parents across the country, I am pretty happy this time of year. A sigh of relief is waiting for me just on the other side.

Tomorrow is the first day of school.

Finally. The kids will be back to a regular schedule, gone for most of the day- learning, running around. Recess. Lunch at school.

It's so hella expensive during the summer. Entertaining them, and feeding three kids, three meals a day is emotionally taxing. Usually my kids eat breakfast at my moms and lunch at school. I save a lot of my food bill. This summer practically killed me.

So tomorrow Daniel starts kindergerten, Gabriel starts 1st grade and Alex is going high school. Not the high school that I went to, sadly, but the one that my sibs went to. It wasn't a rival high school really. It's weird that he's going to high school. It means that in more years, he's done with high school and he'll be driving and going to college, and damn I still have a hard time getting that kid to remember to wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom. Surely he's not ready to go to college right??

Ritalin- Day 4

I started Daniel on it twice a day today so I could see what it does- rather than have Michael tell me, considering that he forgot to give it to him on Friday.

(notes I jotted down)

Given at 7:45 after breakfast. He seemed to be having fun with Gabriel. Playing on the computer, he was a bit moody- talkative. Fussing with Gabriel about toys. Playing with his toys, watching TV. Talkative.

Given at 11:40 after lunch. Sat down with me to watch Tom and Jerry. Playing with Power Rangers at same time. Talking a LOT. Pacing the room with his toys, not paying too much attention to the TV. Wants to play Club Penguin. Set him up, a little fuss in the waiting.

-

So ok- nothing spectacular really. The magic though, is what happened after 5:30. Holy crap. It was like a light switch. You don't notice anything special when he's ON the meds, but when it wears off- that's when you notice. At 6PM, he was all "Danny" again. He was sort of all over. Getting really riled up, yelling a lot. Doing several things at once. The 'motor' was running. He even TALKED faster and you couldn't hear what he was saying.

The morning was like the rare times when Danny was having a good day at home. The evening is the way he usually is most days. Seeing the difference makes me wonder if he wouldn't benefit from something long lasting that works into the evenings, or maybe just a third pill. It's a small dosage, only 5 mg. It just seems to slow him down, not to a level that he is is sedated. Far from it. However, it's to a level where he can focus on one thing at a time, and be less frustrated with himself and everyone else.

Hmmm. Something to discuss with his doctor.

Ritalin- Day 3

I gave Daniel his pill today after lunch. I put the pill in his mouth and gave him some water, he seems to have the concept down of swallowing it without chewing.

He played at the computer for a few hours with no fuss. Didn't complain about a headache or stomach ache or anything. He was pretty quiet and was able to stop playing the game to go to the bathroom, or have some water. It was all pretty simple.

Around 4, he fell asleep on his bed for about 45 minutes and at 5 he had that melt down I mentioned. He ate dinner, something new, with much LESS fuss than usual.

In the evening he seemed back to his old self and got in trouble before bed.

Things I've noticed:

He is less talkative.

He is a little moody.

So far no problems eating. (He takes his pill after meals)

No problems sleeping

Tomorrow we will put him on two pills a day and see how that goes.

Brothers

This is how it is with brothers.

Daniel wanted Gabriel's toy and was crying because he doesn't like to share his toys. He was crying and throwing quite a fit about it really which sucks. I tried explaining that he has to share but you know, he's 5 and still very immature.

Daniel crying. Gabriel is saying, "No, I'm playing with it. It's my turn."

Both Mike and I go in individually to tell Daniel to stop screaming. It's Gabe's turn, find something else. Just deal. Gabriel was watching TV and really just 'holding' the stupid Power Ranger, but that's not the point. I wanted to just make Gabriel give it to him, because... why does everything have to cause so much drama, right? However Daniel can't just throw a fit like that when he doesn't get what he wants.

Then, Alex decided to get off the computer and went into the bedroom and said, "Gabriel the computer's all yours."

Gabriel threw the toy to Daniel.
Everyone is happy.

Thanks Alex.

Think for yourself

Alex never wanted my constant approval. He didn't really want me to do everything for him, when it came to games, toys, things like that. He often whined when he couldn't do things well, but he was really impatient when he was learning things. He could often see it once and then do it himself. This doesn't mean he did everything well, he was often too impulsive and impatient. As kids go, however, he was rarely needy.

He was never very clingy. He was too busy for that. Gabriel is very different. He is needy.

All the boys love attention and want accolades for being able to put thier pants on right, that's true for all men. All my boys adore me and know that I love them for the knuckleheads that they are. I hope that they will grow up to be good men who can handle thier shit. That's my job. To raise boys to be men who will one day leave the nest and build nests of thier own. Alex and Daniel, I can see already are too fast to be anything but independent as soon as they have jobs to get the hell out of here. Barring something catastrophic, I think those two will always be go go go.

Gabriel puzzles me. He is not very independent. He needs feedback, constantly and I worry that he is not an independent thinker. Every day he asks us to make choices for him. "Who do you want me to be?" (in his imaginary play). Ironman or Superman? Bumblebee or Megatron? Green Lantern or The Flash?

Really- do I care? No... I don't care. You go be whoever you wanna be in your own little Gabriel head.

Which toy should I play with?
Who do you think my favorite super hero should be?

Then there's the clinginess. He can't sleep. He claims he has nightmares- but really he just wakes up in the middle of the night and feels that a 'nightmare' will get my attention faster. He manipulates his father to sitting up with him night after night until I finally said No More. Last night he called me from his room and said, "Mom I had a nightmare!"

I told him to turn his pillow over and go back to sleep. Done.

He doesn't need help doing most things, but he asks for help anyway. It makes me a little nuts. He will go outside, play with friends and be gone for hours, which is good- but it makes me wonder if, when he's with his friends, he also always waits for others to make decisions for him. He's sensitive, almost too sensitive really and while it's not 'concerning' - it's hard to be as sarcastic as I am, without constantly hurting this kids feelings.

Last weekend he was swimming at my mom's. He had one a mask, like a snorkeling mask because he's also one of those kids who can't bear to get chlorine in his eyes....

ok- and what's up with that?? I mean- I used to have to open my eyes underwater and look around all blurry. Is he just too precious that he can't do that? He won't swim without goggles now. Irritating. Oh and it's also semi-ridiculous!

back to the story...

He had a snorkel type mask on and he was going up and down in the water, really slow, watching the view change as he went under. So I laughed. It looked kinda cute and funny. I told him he was silly.

He started to cry.
He got out of the pool and went crying to his dad. "Mom was making fun of me!!"

Mike came to me and asked me why I was being mean to Gabriel. Ummmm, what?? He said I was making fun of Gabriel in the pool.

Oh for fucks sake are you kidding me??

I told Mike what happened, and while he sided with Gabriel because whatever I had done had clearly upset him and maybe I should apologize.

Or MAYBE... just maybe, Gabriel should toughen up a little so that people can laugh when he's doing something funny and not be such a Sally about it. He was laughing while he did it. No, I will not apologize. Grow a pair, kid.

Yeah Yeah, say what you will. Mean Mommy. Bad Julie.
Nobody benefits from a kid who's a pussy.

Don't even get me started on Dogs.

Ritalin- Day 2

It's day two and Daniel took his pill just fine as I was told.

He got it today late, as Mike who called me at 7AM to ask about them, promptly forgot to give them to him. So Daniel took his pill at 3PM. No matter these first few days.

He complained of a little stomach ache, but he ate dinner with no problem. He was kind of tired. He seemed quieter, but it could have been the time of day. He simply seemed tired and a little bit moody, that equals quiet.

At 7:30, almost like a switch, he 'woke up'. He was running and playing and being silly. Being Danny. Interesting that it was 4 1/2 hours after he took his pill. He will have some side effects for a week or so... but at least we know they only last 4.5 hours at a time.

I was having coffee with a dear friend of mine last night and I was telling her that while I know this will help Danny, and it will help the whole family, I'm a little sad. While sometimes it's frustrating- I just hope that these meds don't take away the essence that is that sweet little baby. Danny is particularly special to me, and his charming funny personality brightens my day more than anything else. I don't want to take that away. I hope that this doesn't.

Excuses why I won't work out

Reasons why I will try to talk myself out of going to the gym.

1) I plan on drinking all day.
2) It's too early.
3) It's too late.
4) Mike needs my help with the kids.
5) We promised to take the kids swimming.
6) My knee is hurting and oh.. would you look at that, I'm out of ibuprofen.
7) I'm monitoring Daniels ritalin intake and I can't leave him.
8) I watching the NCIS Marathon and theres one I haven't seen yet.
9) I have nothing to wear and I can't go to the gym looking fat.
10) I'm haven't jerked off in over a week and there's nobody in the house.
11) I finally jerked off and I have to write the review on the toy.
12) I have porn I need to watch.
13) The kids room needs cleaning
14) A tornado is on it's way and we need to take cover.
15) My car is overheating.
16) My sports bra gives me that one big uniboob and I hate that.
17) My shoes do not have backs to them and I'm afraid they will go flying off my feet and it will cause a tragic recumbent bike accident.
18) I have developed a third pimple on my face, creating the bermuda triangle on my face and I'm too embarrassed to go out in public.
19) I have passed out in the grocery store and I'm in the Emergency Room.
20) I am making cookies instead.

Ok so I think now that THAT is out of my system. I have a some good reasons that I must go to the gym.

1) My blood pressure is 'troublesome'. My doctor said that if I'm NOT going to exercise I have to take meds.
2) The meds make my skin break out (see #18 above)
3) The meds kill my sex drive (see #10)
4) Someone my age had a stroke this week.

Yes, I'm going. I will soon have clear skin, a healthy sex drive, and lower blood pressure. Who knows, maybe I'll lose a pound or two while I'm at it.

Ritalin- Day 1

So this morning I took Daniel for his trip to a psychiatrist, after a few visits to a psychologist and then his primary doctor. All are agreed that just a little touch of medicine might make it a little easier for him and the rest of us. I feel like he's young for it, but Alex had it and I see it in Daniel already.

I've done a lot of research on ADHD and on the medications vs. therapies etc. Right now I'm going a small dose of ritalin twice a day and see how that does. So far we got through the first hurdle which was him swallowing a pill.

I'm a fast thinker. I dropped the pill into his mouth and then shot water (via plastic water bottle) down his throat. He didn't know what hit him.

So far, no stomach aches, headaches nausea, nervousness or decreased appetite.
Thats a good sign. We're going with just one pill thru the weekend and starting with two pills on Monday so he'll have it in his system when school starts and we'll see how it goes.

The pills only last about 4-5 hours, so we may increase it so he'll have some in his system in the evenings, but at this point it's more about getting him through his school day and homework time.

I'm hopeful that this will help him- and the rest of us a bit too. It was easier with Alex because he was the only kid at home most of the time. It's harder now, even though Daniel's ADHD is less severe than Alex's- but 2/3 kids with ADHD in a small apartment is a good reason why mommy takes Xanax.

What I wanted to wear to the reunion

I made a lot of jokes about wearing corset and jeans to the reunion.

click for color

Ok, How much do I rock this shit??
Who the hell ever thought someone would want to put me in lingerie- but you know, the big girls want to feel sexy sometimes too. It's shiny and smooth and hells yes it's stretchy!!!

It has a skirt or hot pants that go with it, but you know... I'm daring, I'm not fucking delusional!!

Are you getting Half Nekkid today??

My ass is bigger than my motivation

Ok really, I gotta get my ass back to the gym. My reasons are simple and go beyond the size of my ass.

a) I'm tired all the time- even when I AM getting enough sleep.

b) I'm starting to get the daily headaches again which means my blood pressure is going back up. I agreed with my doctor that I would not have to take meds if I exercise, right now I'm not doing either.

c) The size of my ass... look I can't deny it!

d) I'm paying for a gym membership

e) I know that I CAN work-in 30-40 minutes, 5 days a week.

So fuck... I gotta do it. I gotta exercise, you know, blood pressure down, cholesterol stuff... you know all that healthy choice shit. I know.

So ummmm- Saturday. I will start back on Saturday.

fuck...

The 20 Year reunion- or I think I'm too old for this!!

So I went to the reunion on Friday night. All decked out in my hot black dress. Oh, Ok- so here's the rundown on my outfit

Dress: $29
Shoes $20
Bra: $51 (I bought two)
Spanx $28

Yeah, Spanx are some fucking evil magic. Evil because it took me several minutes to put those fuckers on. I was breaking a sweat just getting them over my ass so the crotch wasn't at my knees. Magic, because once I had them on, damn... I swear about 4-5 inches around just disappeared. Bam- just like that!!

So I showed up, cleavage in full swing. I twitter my cleavage to my friends who promptly encouraged me to 'go get em'. That's the thing about twitter, they are my people. I arrived and went up to see some friends who were staying in the hotel. I was greeted with big smiles, open arms, and a drink. Hells yes!!

Another friend arrived so I left the room and went downstairs to meet her, ran into a guy from HS who I crushed on and tongue kissed at graduation. Yeah... I did that. Jim Rupe. I fucking rule. I didn't tongue kiss him there- but I hugged him damn tight because I've been myspace and facebook friends with him for quite some time now, a few years I guess.

Getting upstairs, I admit I was a bit overwhelmed. First off, the had to write my maiden name on my name tag. Jeez, thanks. After misspelling it once... no shit, I said, "Really, that was two husbands ago!"

SO many faces and SO many people. A lot of faces I knew and I hugged almost everyone I was able to. Also a lot of people I didn't know. I laughed with a lot of people about the question, what if you see someone and you realize you DIDN'T know them? Do you keep moving? Introduce yourself?

One girl knew me- man did she know me. I knew her name. But holy fuck I could not remember if we were friends. Based on how excited she was to see me, either we were really good friends- or she was REALLY drunk. Regardless, her excitement made me hug her and talk to her as if I knew her. I'm always excited when people are excited over me. Obviously.

What I loved the most, is that I truly feel like the bullshit is over. People I didn't know, or who I thought didn't like me, or who I maybe wasn't very fond of (because I thought they didn't like me) smiled, names were yelled. There was a lot of screaming. Very tight hugs. It felt fucking great.

The music was almost all 80's and my god it was fucking loud! My throat was sore from the screaming, but the Captain Morgan's helped with that. Often we would stand outside of the ballroom so we could talk without screaming. A few guys and I laughed about how maybe we're just too old for music THIS loud.

A lot of people also said, "I LOVE your facebook updates" or "I LOVE your bl0g- you are so awesome." My response was mostly, "really?" and that's because alot of you bitches don't ever say anything. You know- throw me a comment now and again. My ego doesn't work if you don't stroke it. (insert dirty joke here)

I drank, a lot. I danced a little. Many pictures. A lot of catching up. It was a great night and I hope that some friendships were renewed. My 9th grade boyfriend was there. We joked about how we made out in 9th grade. He had the cool Swatch Watches, and how I cut my lip on his braces on our first kiss. People asked about Mike, and I think I did my best to send his best and explain his health without going on and on about it in a way he would have hated. I laughed with the single guys about how they get to bang younger girls- and how I'd probably do the same if I was single again. You know, the bang younger girls part. What the fuck, right?

Oh there were a lot of stories, a lot of fun things happened, and I can't share them all because it wasn't just MY reunion. If you are reading this, and you have a story to tell, damn, tell it!!
--

I left around 1:30. I swore that I was good enough to drive home. I really thought I was. Once I got HOME I was no longer good enough to drive!! Bad Julie. I'm not making light of it.
Ok, well, maybe I am- but I shouldn't, because I admit it was stupid. I didn't HAVE to drive home. I could have crashed there. I should have done that.

When I woke up the next morning, you'd think that I got more than just drunk, lemme tell you. I woke up in the morning, naked... with a trail from the door to the bedroom. shoes, purse, dress, bra, nylons... All strewn about like I had a 24 year old with me or something. I remember when I got home, I had to pee- so I guess that is what that was all about and I think I was too drunk to get dressed again. When I woke up, my contacts were stuck to my eyes and my eye make up was down my cheek. I look like I got sad clowned.

I was still drunk until about 4AM, and hung over ALL FUCKING DAY. Oh it was a sad state of affairs, but I was glad that many many people were also suffering from the hangover down memory lane. I ran errands, sipped some coffee... and slept. A LOT.

Yeah, I'm too old to drink THAT much. I just can't power down Captain and Coke, and a shot of tequila (thanks Tiffany!) and expect NOT to be begging to throw up later. While I was laying on the bathroom floor, I considered never drinking again.

OK, well I won't get crazy...

Watch out Here I Come....

All I know is that to me

You look like you're lots of fun

Open up your lovin arms

Watch out Here I Come.

So tonight is my 20 year reunion and I admit that I'm excited about it because it should be a fun evening, and I'm sad because Mike isn't coming with me. I really think he would have had a good time and this would be a ncie way to sort of book end our time together.

I will spend a lot of this evening fielding questions about where he is. It will know what it's like for Hillary.

You know, it's not all about Mike, ok??

There are a handful of people that are not going to be there- that I really wish WERE. My BFF Carrie who flat out refused for reasons that I just don't agree with. Hell I'm bigger than she is!!!

But I got my nails done in a fantastic slutty red acrylic, circa 1989. They are trashy-fantastic! Trashtastic! I also went to Lane Bryant yesterday, which is the Holy Grail of Bra's for big girls. She measured me and put me in the RIGHT size bra. I have told my friends that my boobs will arrive 45 seconds before I do.

It should be fun- I admit I'm excited to hang out and party with my friends. I insist that in 2o years, my high school hangups are over. I have a whole new set of them now!!

careful and creative financing

Some days I really think my grown-up card needs to be revoked. I still cannot balance a checkbook to save my damn life. I don't even try anymore really. My checking account is managed in a excel spreadsheet that shows the few times a month money goes in, and ALL the times the money goes out. It doesn't help me balance anything, but tells me basically how broke I'm going to be later.

Through the beauty of my obsessive nature I can set it up for MONTHS in advance. It's depressing when spending money today tells me I'm going to have no money in 5 WEEKS. Fuck me. My paychecks don't waiver, and ever 4 months I get my financial aid money. Usually there are a few more checks that come in from dildo sales etc., and that's always nice. In general though- I can pretty much see what I've got so I can plan ahead. I use my financial aid money to make up for what lacks. What comes in goes right back out before food and travel. So I budget by taking my funding, mentally dividing it by 4 and planning to have enough until the next funding.

That being said, I'm weeks away from my next financial aid funding and a broke ass bitch. While I always have the best INTENTIONS in my so-called budgeting, what I REALLY do is spend a LOT in the first few weeks- getting caught up on any late utility bills. Paying back any money I may have borrowed and usually something relating to my car, like tires or a water pump. THEN I load the house with a lot of food. Get my nails done or a hair cut. A new pair of shoes, some new scrubs. One or two date nights. THEN I mentally divide what's left by 4 months and cross my fingers. In my defense, I was just a few weeks away when I ran out of money. Last time it was a month so I'm doing better.

So this week, feel free to buy me a sandwhich huh?

seriously....

Is this the cutest fucking picture of any of my kids ever?? You have to click it to really get a grasp of the cute.


Really- if you're having a bad day- just refer to this page cause you know- how do you not smile at this picture?

it starts early

My 5 year old child is pretty obsessed with his penis. This is no different than any other man I've ever met, but he's not out of the age yet where he doesn't just grab it in public. I try not to make a big deal out of, I don't freak out or smack his hand away. It's not like he's sitting with his pants down or anything, he's just, you know, grabbing himself over his pants like he's Eminem.

Me: Daniel are you having a problem with your pee pee?

Daniel: No mom. It's just really big right now.

Really, I can't make this shit up.

Almost 20

Next week is my 20 year High School reunion. After the 10, I vowed that I was NOT going to the next reunion. My BFF's didn't show, and I guess I was kind of bored. Maybe 10 years was not enough. Perhaps I just was not in the right place in my life. 10 years ago was a long time.

So here is the 20. Unless something catastrophic happens, we're going. Mike and I met in high school. We know many of the same people. It should be a fun evening.

It's a pricey evening, but I think it should be a fun evening. A handful of the girls I have been talking to on Facebook- even though I didn't talk too much to them IN highschool will be there. I'm excited about that. I plan to buy a new dress, look fantastic, and drink considerable amounts of alcohol.

I'm anxious about it- I admit. I am in a decent place in my life, and really I don't CARE that I'm overweight and I need to color my gray. It is what it is. Social engagements always make me a little anxious. Even when I'm in my element. Even at family parties. I always feel like I'm standing in the wrong place or I'm saying the wrong thing.

Mike isn't sure that he wants to go either- but he's going as my date and we haven't had a nice evening out in a long time. We DID just have an anniversary, after all.

It's funny because I don't really consider myself a shy person. I can speak in front of a group. I can write or talk about adult topics including the location of your g-spot. However, in a group of people, I feel like I'm the one who just doesn't fit. I feel like I don't belong at my own birthday party. I'm not sure why that is, but I am certain that this issue is similar to me being fat.

I notice it way more than others do.

So I'm going in hopes that I have grown up enough not to feel like I don't belong there. I intend to go and have a good time- reminisce and just enjoy myself.

And drink considerable amounts of alcohol.
Don't forget, THAT.

Ode to my teenage years