what's wrong when nothings wrong

My recommitment to my diet still hasn't stuck. I do ok during the day, but at night I just blow it out of the water. I need planning. I need to track my eating. I need focus. Not just with my diet, but with school too.

I find that hard to come by right now. Maybe it's the change in the weather, or the fact that school is almost out and I, like the kids, want to relax by jumping in the pool and laying in the sun. I spent a week off of my meds, and putting them back into my system is also sort of a mental transition too.

I often try to wean myself off my meds. Sometimes for a week, sometimes for a month. With my blood pressure problems, I am a little more sensitive about it. The last thing I need is for my stress and anxiety to skyrocket my blood pressure. I don't want to have a stroke because I didn't want to cheer up.

Sometimes depression confuses me. When I don't have anything to BE depressed about, it's strange to have those days when I feel like I can't get out of bed. Everything feels wrong when I know that nothing is wrong. The things that don't bother me, bother me. The things that are nothing, become something even if I know they are nothing. All of this triggers anxiety. This feeling of hopelessness, like everything feels out of control. I feel like the world is spinning and I feel trapped, even when I am standing perfectly still and there's nobody around. It doesn't make any sense, and it stresses me out when I try to force it to.

So when there's no answers- no reason- no fault. Nothing but this feeling I can't shake- all I want to do is hide from it.

Yes, the pills help. It's not about numbing me from what IS wrong. They help me from feeling that there is something wrong when nothings wrong. Maybe that doesn't make sense- but if it did, maybe you'd need antidepressants too.