Yesterday was a lousy day. Sometimes I have them. I woke up from a bad dream and spent the entire day feeling "afraid of, less than, and inferior to."
My life is on the verge of change and change terrifies me, even if its good change. I am always left wondering, what if I fail? What if I can't roll with the changes? What if I'm not good enough for the big shoes I have to fill. In my career as well as my personal journey I am moving on to bigger and better things. My fear is telling me that I won't be good enough. My fear is kind of a loud mouthed bitch.
These things happen. I have learned to roll with the bad times as they simply can't be avoided. All the anti depressants, anti anxiety meds, unfriend/ unfollow writing and meditation in the world cannot stop those days where I just feel fear and insecurity about many number of things. I have learned that I have to FEEL my feelings and they are not wrong- but they are not facts. Feelings are not facts. I do not make decisions based on fear anymore, not without facts to back them up.
Weeks back, MrX had me do a Needs vs Wants list. All day yesterday, I kept asking myself if my needs or wants are being threatened by the thing that was bothering me. The answer was no. Even as I felt my mood go through its swing, the answer was still no.
Fear that is backed up by facts is helpful and in some ways can save your life. Fear for the sake of fear... it holds you back. I have spent many many years of my life held back.
Just breathe girl... you can make it thru this day.
I can't be told, "cheer up- life is good." I know life is good. My life is several shades of an awesome rainbow right now. Really. My life, for all it's struggles does not suck.
So I rolled through the day. I let myself be frustrated. I cried a lot. I vented some feelings. I reminded myself that this is today. I can get through today. If my 12 step work taught me anything it is that you can only life one day at a time, but that today is not always an indication of tomorrow.
Before I went to bed I noticed that it was after midnight. I made it. Today I am feeling better. Much better. I have an exciting day ahead of me and I can't wait to see MrX and my friends tonight.
What is that song? "What a difference a day makes."
My 12 step sponsor once told me "'This too shall pass' works in both directions. Bad days will end, but so will good days." (I know, depressing isn't it??) But it reminds me of the one thing that still saves me from those bare knuckle fights that I have with fear and insecurity.
Feelings are not facts.
1 comment:
Thanks for being brave enough to share your honesty:) it makes me think about things too, not good or bad just listening to what you were saying about yourself at this time. Sounds like you do love yourself enough to keep working through the hard parts. That's a good thing:)
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