3 days

(Pic is from Decemeber 2004)

Tonight on the way home from my mom's house- Alex started crying. He said he was sad because he was not going to see his grandmother after tomorrow until Christmastime. I have thought that as soon as I saw him cry, I would start crying- but I didn't.

It's amazing how when we need to be strong, it sort of comes from nowhere. I assured him that he would talk to her all the time. That she is always logged in to Yahoo Messenger and he can chat with her probably every day. She'll get a webcam. So he can talk to her on that too and see her. Alex has always been very close with my mother. Sometimes closer than I prefer. If I want to get him to eat anything, I tell him that it's leftovers and that she made it.

My mother and I had a horrible fight when I told her that Alex was leaving. She has calmed down considerable, but she and I share different ideas about this. There are a few people who don't support my decision, but I know that it's good for him and he will enjoy the adventure and maybe even thank me someday for allowing him to go. Yesterday when he was crying, I wanted to tell him, "Alex if you don't want to go- you don't have to." I wanted to tell him that I didn't WANT him to go. I think if I cry and do enough talking, I can convince him that I won't be ok without him- and manipulate him into staying. And even I though I would be somewhat pleased, it's just more guilt that I don't need.

I have alot of friends who are very concerned and sorry for my "loss". But I did not LOSE custody of him. He did not get killed or abducted. This was a decision that I made to let him live with his father. Not a sister or a grandparent, not a distant relative. But his FATHER. The man who ALSO promised to love and care for him. My ex and I have grown to have a pretty decent friendship over the past years and we respect and understand each other, which is more than I can say for alot of ex couples. I think that Alex will only benefit by seeing us getting along. There are those who simply don't agree with what I'm doing, and that is ok too. I am grateful for my friends who love and support me, even if they don't agree with this decision. But like many things in my life, it was not one that I came to easily. I am not impulsive and while I am not exactly a "warm and fuzzy" mom, I do cherish my children and freely admit that I would never know true love without them. And it's because I love Alex with all my heart that I will let him go and experience something different and exciting and something that will make him happy.

Every month in Oprah's magazine she has a feature called "This I know for sure" or something like that- and here is what I know for sure.

As mothers, our choices are never easy.