It's never easy letting go

Looking at this picture, I can see how much Alex and I really DO look alike. With my hair pulled back and no makeup on, the resemblace is undeniable. When I look at him, I usually see his dad, but in this picture, there is not a doubt in the world that this kid looks like me. I noticed once in a photograph when he was 5 or 6 that our hands are similar. But usually I guess because I don't look at myself at the same time, I never realized how much he does look like me.

He left last night. His dad showed up at 9PM on the nose and we loaded up the car. He said goodbye to his older stepsister who spent the day with us, and his little brothers who were clueless and tired and grumpy. Outside my husband gave him a hug and told him he loved him. And then Alex turned to me and said "Bye Mom" and we hugged tight and for the first time I started to cry. I didn't completely fall apart at that moment, because I was trying to be strong for Alex- but the tears were there and I hugged him tight and I really didn't want to let go. I thought for a moment how tall he was, and how he is not a baby anymore, but a young boy who is not too much shorter than me and I wondered when that happened, and why hadn't I noticed it until now. How long had it been since I had really stopped and hugged this kid tight??

We hugged for what felt like an thirty minutes while my husband went inside, appropriately feeling like this was a moment that was between Alex and me and my ex. I kissed Alex and told him how much I love him, and I will talk to him soon and I shuffled him into the car. His dad, my ex husband put his arms out to hug me. It was then I broke down. I cried, hard, into his shoulder while he patted and rubbed my back and promised me that he would take care of Alex. He promised me that he would be ok. He told me they would miss me, and "I love ya Jules" and he said what I never thought I would care to hear from him, he said, "You've done a good job raising our son." That meant alot to me- even though I never felt like I needed his approval before.

I went inside the house before they drove away and I went to my room and cried some more. My husband came in, and held me while I cried even more. I felt like I couldn't speak, but only sob- feeling like a peice of my heart had been taken away and the first thing I did say when I words could come out was, "Have I just made a huge mistake?"

But even as the words came out, I knew that I hadn't. I know that this choice will not make Alex unhappy. He is not being shipped off kicking and screaming, and I am sure that while he may still be a little sad today- he is already starting to get excited about it- as while I am very sad, I am excited FOR him. The other day I told Alex that saying goodbye is the hardest part. The actual moment of goodbye is the hardest. That yesterday would be the hardest part of all of this, and as soon as it's over, it will start to feel better a little at a time. I promised him that saying goodbye will be very hard and it wil hurt, but it only hurts for a little while. In my case, I also hope that's true.

Today I got out of the house. I went to my friends house and we sat by the pool and talked girl talk. She let me talk about my feelings and I was grateful for that. It's nice to be listened to and not always lectured at. It's not important to always get the 'devils advocate' opinion or sometimes anyones opinion. I don't need anyone to solve my lifes problems, but I think it's ok to ask for an ear to bend if I need it.

Still, it's Sunday night and I will not be recieving the call I get almost every Sunday night from my ex husband telling me that he is on his way with my son. My son is not coming home tonight- and I miss him already.

You never realize that anything in your life is missing until it's filled, and in turn you never know that you are filled, until something is missing.