Born to fly

Sometimes it's hard to know when its the right time to act. In previous post I was thinking about timing and when it's the right time to make a life changing move and how it effects other people.

I have decided that I simply want out of this marriage. I want more. I deserve more. I realize that I am wasting my life by staying in a loveless marriage. It's over. I told my husband that my heart is not in it anymore. I don't want to be married to him anymore. I just want my life back. And with no great emotion, not even a blink- he said "And I think you should have it." I think he was relieved. I know he is not happy, but you know- like me- he's stuck, too. I think we have this mutual addiction and dependency on what the one person can do for the other person, but no real love for each other. That is what I think. He tries to tell me that he is still in love with me, but I don't believe that. By way of my ego, I am naturally attracted to people who like me, and I can tell when someone doesn't. This is not love, this is insanity.

We talked about remaining civil. We both had pretty nasty post divorce relationships with our exes and the older kids did suffer from it. If we can avoid the extra stress, that would be good. He said he will not drag his feet on moving out. I did not give him a time frame, but I told him if it seemed like he was dragging his feet, then I would move without him. I simply have to escape this life.

For a long time I simply felt that I didn't deserve more than what I got. Being married to an addict, and a person with chronic illness does something to you. It puts you last. It tells you where you are in the batting order, and that is either behind everyone else- or simply the umpire. The one who decides what is 'safe' and gets yelled at all the time because your are making a bad call. I have had many psycologists tell me that Michael and I will not be able to focus on our marital problems until he first deals with his addiction problems, and then his health problems. He has been drinking, or on drugs, or sick, since the day we got married. It's been 7 years. SEVEN LONG YEARS. I can't wait until it's the right time for him. Once he's working, once he's feeling better, once the holidays are over.

No. I have to act when it's time for me. When I'm ready. I don't want to wait any longer, I have waited long enough. I should not have to wait another day.

I should not have to wait any longer to be the best part of someones day.
I should not have to wait any longer to be treated with respect.
I should not have to wait any longer for a partner- not just someone I'm married to.
I should not have to wait any longer to feel filled.
I should not have to wait any longer to be happy.

I'm ready. It's time to jump.