The business of The End

I'm trying to get along and play nice, but it seems like it can go from civil to screamin in 10 minutes. There is no 'good conversation' about divorce. There is no good way to lay out the details without someone getting upset. For as much as I would like to approach this in a matter-of-fact business like manner. It's not business, it's personal. It's VERY personal. Its my life, and the end of it's current status. It's his life and ultimately a lot of changes there too. Obviously.

I don't want to play myself up like I am some saint who is just doing everything for the good of someone else- but I think I AM being incredibly fair, under the circumstances. Joint Custody, 50% visitation- no child support, no alimony. The bills are mine cause I am the only one paying them anyway. Legal separation so he can stay on my health insurance for at least two years. Really, I think I'm being just SWELL considering I could probably get a good lawyer, pull out every last stop and make his life pretty miserable. But I'm not going to do that- because I just don't want to have this be the ugliest thing.

The arguments were always huge. Neither of us is willing to back down in the midst of an argument. It's not that I don't like to lose, I just don't like to lose TO HIM. In my opinion, he sees the world through the eyes of the man he WANTS to be, not the man he IS- so to me, a lot of his views are skewed. The things that he says and the ideas he has, are good- and viable if they were coming from someone with a bit more credibility. I spend a lot of time defending myself against his ability to take my every insecurity and throw it at me. And then tell me he's not trying to hurt me. It's almost like having an argument with my mother.

Either way, I am trying to just put one foot in front of the other and do the next indicated thing. I have jobs on my plate today that does not at all include him, moving, or the divorce. Today I just want to have a nice day. Tackle some projects, maybe have lunch with a friend or two, run some errands after work- go home and just retreat to my corner, agreeing to just keep my mouth shut and pray that he does too. I don't want to hear it anymore.

I have no idea how we will keep things civil until October.

I just want my life back.
I want to move on.
I want to be free.
I want to be happy.