Everything, anything, something.

This past week, things in my life have gotten pretty ugly. The divorce is SO on, and I sense that he might try to argue with me about things like custody and alimony. I don't think I should have to pay alimony- I know that he DID stay home and care for the kids while I went to school, but I never stopped him from working. I would have RATHER he worked. My idea was that if he was going to be at home anyway- he can watch the kids.

I bought a book last week on filing your own divorce- forms and regulations and a disc that puts it together for you. Last night in his bag I saw a book. The Everything Divorce Book.

Ok, I admit that I did laugh a little bit, because the Everything Series covers Autism to Wicca and Witchcraft. Not to say that there isn't important information- I'm sure there is. I am curious where he got it and if he somehow thinks he's now equipped with the Everything book to come up against cold hard facts.

I'm not trying to hurt anyone here. I want my freedom. I don't HAVE to fight for custody of my kids, or the right to stay in my apartment. I don't want any money from him. He doesn't even have to say, "I'm sorry."

Unfortunately life has gotten desperate and I'm drowning, and now I just need to get away at any cost. Like when you have to let go of a drowning victim who is hysterical before they drown you too. (or some analogy that is close to that) I need to go- and fast because the water is up over my head and I've been holding my breath and treading water for longer than my lungs and legs can hold out.

He's not a BAD guy. He's not evil. At one point, not too long ago I said with the utmost certainty that he was the love of my life. I may always somehow feel that way. However I'm starting to think that there is word missing from that phrase. "best" or "greatest" or any word that describes that this love is in any way a GOOD thing. I have been in love before and will be in love again and again. I loved him so much that I'm killing us both. That is not what I'd c0nsider the greatest love of my life. But definitely a significant one.

I need an Everything Book. The Everything Getting your Shit Together Book. It would have chapters like "Dishes- you can do it." "Laundry is not for Wussies" and "Not everything is 15 minutes away" and "Yes, You too can balance a checking account."

Where is THAT Everything Book?