Everything you need for a fresh start

Life has been pretty hectic lately. With the usual busy work and school I have some added fun things. This Saturday is our annual Women's Heart and Stroke Event that I do much to coordinate. My father is having surgery next week, which will require me to find alternative day care/ rides for all three of my kids who start school at the same time, in two different locations- but end school at different times. Also, Mike is not here. He's off getting.... better. Or something. I'm not sure what he's getting, but he's getting on my fucking nerves.

Detox is hard, and detoxing off of meds that you take for pain? Well, you watch House, you know... Anyway- he's in pain and miserable and dead set on making my life miserable, since on top of being in pain- he's also an addict. So detox is hard and I'm MORE than happy to give him space, space and more space to go thru that- and when he comes out on the otherside of detox and starts TREATMENT- I plan to be right there, ready and waiting.

with divorce papers.

So today I went out and bought a book.

I know right? But I need to start somewhere. I can't get a lawyer, I really don't think I need one. We have no assets, nothing other than this apartment is in "our" names. We practically agree on everything in regards to who gets what. My stance is "take what you want if you have someplace to put it." I really don't care. A couch, a bed, a dresser. Fucking take it. It means nothing. I just want to walk out with my life, and my kids, I don't see that it's going to be a problem, except for the drama.

He said to me today, "Well the girls in the house feel that it's pointless for me to even talk to you about working things out."

"What?" I asked, "When did we start talking about working things out? I thought we both agreed we want this?"

As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I regretted them because he said. "Oh well it's what YOU want- so it's what I want."

Oh good lord. So you're doing me a FAVOR? Are you fucking kidding me? You don't have to agree to the divorce, you know, genius? But ok. tell me- what do these "girls" say? These girls- who know nothing but what you've told them. These girls who have not had to deal with your ass for 10 years, bgut just under 10 DAYS. sure.

No- actually- don't tell me.

"Yes, it is what I want," I finally said.

"And I'll give it to you."

Oh- you'll GIVE IT to me. Gee THANKS!! I didn't tell him that I'd already bought the book- that would seem cruel. Sure, you want to think you are doing me a favor. The pied piper of marital dissolution wishes? Whatever.

And of course, I have some weird feelings about it. But they are just feelings- they don't mean anything. The weird feelings I have about divorce are about as insignificant as my feelings about love and trust and honesty in this marriage. It'd be nice f we could get a handle on it- but there's no need to have expectations, rights?