When I was younger my mother went to great lengths to keep me away from those people she deemed 'a bad influence.' That list was long and wide and it never occurred to her that perhaps the bad influence was me. She actually derailed the path of life as I knew it by putting me in a different junior high school, taking me away from the friends I had since pre-k. Was she right to do that- not really. I just found trouble elsewhere. Different friends, different boys. I still started smoking, I still got experimented with sex. I still skipped school. I understand that she did what she felt was right- not to punish me, but to protect me.
My son and his girlfriend have been on and off for the past year and a half. She is a sweet girl, a bit misguided and immature, even for 16, but a sweet girl with a good heart who seems to genuinely be smitten with my son. Her father, however, cannot stand my son. Something and everything he does rubs that man the wrong way. Perhaps he sees him as a threat because she would rather be with her boyfriend than her father. Perhaps she has a smart mouth and he assumes that my son must be the reason for it. Perhaps he is afraid she will get sexualized before he feels she is ready. Who knows. They broke up over issues with her father earlier this year, but as teenage couples do they have drifted back together.
I have been mostly silent about it because I know the issue with her father is not going to go away. I don't suspect that he is going to all of a sudden say, "Ok kid, I'll give you another chance with my daughter... even though you called her a slut on Facebook." I can't say that I blame him for not being my sons biggest fan. I am supportive of this reunion only as a way to keep lines of communication open with my son. I know that there is a better than average chance he will simply do things behind my back. I did it all behind my mothers back.
So they decided that they were going to tell the father that they were back together. The result of it was a text message from my son today saying that "Mr. Y made me break up with her today. He grounded her and is threatening to take away privledges and her phone. I had to let her go." He went on to further say, "I had no choice. I could not let her choose me over her family. What kind of man would I be if I did that."
It is the first time that I ever considered what kind of man he is, or will be.
I gave him the usual platitudes. I told him that I was sorry. That things may change in the future. That they can still be close and be friends. Then I told him something that I hope means as much to him as it did for me to be able to say it.
You did a very honorable thing.
I don't really think Mr. Y is doing his daughter any favors by keeping her away from Alex. I may be a little biased, but I am also harder on my kid than anyone else. Yes, he can be kinda clingy and he really likes texting her all the time. He's a teenage boy who still thinks farts are as funny as Spongebob. I also truly believe that my son does not drink, does not do drugs, does not engage in dangerous or illegal behavior. He has a good relationship with me and tells me MORE than I want to know. I feel grateful that I have a relationship with him that I did not have with my mother. That I STILL don't have with my mother.
Either way, I suspect that the girlfriend wanted to be defiant and stand up to her father. That she wanted to hold her ground causing stress and strife to their whole family. That she wanted to sneak around. That's what I would have done. Hell, that's what I DID. What I didn't have was someone who loved me and was concerned with my overall happiness outside of the time spend with him.
..... ummm ok ......
So as I am rounding out this warm and fuzzy post, I got another text. "She is not giving up and wants to make this work."
sigh....
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