2 weeks

So for two weeks now I've been on my own.  The husband is out of the house, our contact is brief and necessary.  He has not been able to come get more of his things, but he is limited on that- so I don't mind.

Yesterday I finally told Gabriel that his dad is now living with his Aunt and he won't be coming back home to live with us.  Ok, I told him while we were in Target getting ready to buy him some toys with the birthday money he got from his Grandmother- but it was the first time he asked, "when is Dad coming back from the hospital."  I might have told him sooner, up until this point, I let him assume Dad was still IN the hospital.  This was his first week of school and all- no need to upset him.

So I told him, and he was upset, but then distracted by the toys he could buy for $50.  He even bought something for his brother.

In two weeks I have yet to get this house cleaned, but I can tell you that there is already a better energy in this house.  I can't say that the husband was the one bringing in all the bad energy- I'm sure it was coming off of me in waves of anger and resentment.  I truly feel this is better for everyone.  Alex agrees that it's a lot less stressed in the house.  That I am more fun to be around.  He likes not having a 'bed time' but he still goes to bed around 10 or 10:30 every night.

We are all excited about the prospect of finding a new place to live.  Even though we will be moving farther away, I plan to keep the kids in the same schools as part of my commuting process.  Carpool and free toll roads if you have three or more in the car.  It will be tough, but you know, spending extra time in the car with my kids every day is better than no time with them at all.  Alex will be getting his license sometime next year- he can drive home sometimes.

Chris has not been around as much, due to his work schedule but the kids really like having him around when he is.  Gabriel has taken to him nicely, and while he sometimes struggles with guilt, I've assured him that he's not being unloyal to his dad by liking Chris.  Even his dad likes Chris.  He's a likable guy.  Responsible, hard working, fun and handy around the house.  The decision to move in together is one we have been talking about for a while.  It was all a matter of time- when Mike moved out and such.  He's been around and around the boys for a few months now.  They are used to him and him being here.  I have asked them all- how would you feel about Chris moving into our new house (when we find it) with us.  They all agreed that it would be great. Lots of big changes, and while I am usually one to handle one change at a time, this time I think it's best to make them all closer together, so we can adapt and move on together.

This week while I am still looking for a house in the Inland Empire, I'm also looking into buying a new car.  Well, a used one- but new to me!  My van is on her last gasps of breath and it's time to turn the old girl out.  I can't wait to drive around in a zippy 4 door sedan with air conditioning and well aligned tired.

So life is changing, and the living is good.  I'm calm and happy and so are my boys.  That's what matters right?

a mothers thoughts

After all these years, I still don't understand why my mother acted the way she did- but as a mother, I have to respect it.

When I was younger my mother went to great lengths to keep me away from those people she deemed 'a bad influence.' That list was long and wide and it never occurred to her that perhaps the bad influence was me. She actually derailed the path of life as I knew it by putting me in a different junior high school, taking me away from the friends I had since pre-k. Was she right to do that- not really. I just found trouble elsewhere. Different friends, different boys. I still started smoking, I still got experimented with sex. I still skipped school. I understand that she did what she felt was right- not to punish me, but to protect me.

My son and his girlfriend have been on and off for the past year and a half. She is a sweet girl, a bit misguided and immature, even for 16, but a sweet girl with a good heart who seems to genuinely be smitten with my son. Her father, however, cannot stand my son. Something and everything he does rubs that man the wrong way. Perhaps he sees him as a threat because she would rather be with her boyfriend than her father. Perhaps she has a smart mouth and he assumes that my son must be the reason for it. Perhaps he is afraid she will get sexualized before he feels she is ready. Who knows. They broke up over issues with her father earlier this year, but as teenage couples do they have drifted back together.

I have been mostly silent about it because I know the issue with her father is not going to go away. I don't suspect that he is going to all of a sudden say, "Ok kid, I'll give you another chance with my daughter... even though you called her a slut on Facebook." I can't say that I blame him for not being my sons biggest fan. I am supportive of this reunion only as a way to keep lines of communication open with my son. I know that there is a better than average chance he will simply do things behind my back. I did it all behind my mothers back.

So they decided that they were going to tell the father that they were back together. The result of it was a text message from my son today saying that "Mr. Y made me break up with her today. He grounded her and is threatening to take away privledges and her phone. I had to let her go." He went on to further say, "I had no choice. I could not let her choose me over her family. What kind of man would I be if I did that."

It is the first time that I ever considered what kind of man he is, or will be.

I gave him the usual platitudes. I told him that I was sorry. That things may change in the future. That they can still be close and be friends. Then I told him something that I hope means as much to him as it did for me to be able to say it.

You did a very honorable thing.

I don't really think Mr. Y is doing his daughter any favors by keeping her away from Alex. I may be a little biased, but I am also harder on my kid than anyone else. Yes, he can be kinda clingy and he really likes texting her all the time. He's a teenage boy who still thinks farts are as funny as Spongebob. I also truly believe that my son does not drink, does not do drugs, does not engage in dangerous or illegal behavior. He has a good relationship with me and tells me MORE than I want to know. I feel grateful that I have a relationship with him that I did not have with my mother. That I STILL don't have with my mother.

Either way, I suspect that the girlfriend wanted to be defiant and stand up to her father. That she wanted to hold her ground causing stress and strife to their whole family. That she wanted to sneak around. That's what I would have done. Hell, that's what I DID. What I didn't have was someone who loved me and was concerned with my overall happiness outside of the time spend with him.

..... ummm ok ......

So as I am rounding out this warm and fuzzy post, I got another text. "She is not giving up and wants to make this work."

sigh....

Cyberbullying

Last week I got a call from the Principle of my sons school saying that he said some very mean and degrading things to his ex girlfriend on Facebook. Furious, I ignored him for a day- took away his cellphone and iTouch and then considered what I could do that would not only be punishment, but also something that he could LEARN from. Forever a student, I came up with this idea. Have him write an essay about his crime. I gave him a week and exact instruction. This is what he came up with. I think it's great and as we have talked, he agreed that he DID learn something. I hope this was a beneficial lesson for him as after he turned the paper in to me, he talked my ear off about it. :)

He has to turn it in to the school principal too.

Why am I writing this paper?

I am writing this paper because on Saturday, March 19^th I had committed “cyber bullying”. I had intentionally yelled at my ex-girlfriend, and said some hurtful things to her. She had done nothing wrong yet I continued to yell at her saying that she could go to hell, she was dead to me, and that her new relationship wouldn’t last. I regret saying them as they have cause her much harm. I was angry at I pointed it at the last person I was mad at. I am sorry for saying that.

What is cyber bullying? What are some forms?

“Cyber bullying” is when one minor (child, preteen, teen) is made fun of or bullied over a digital device from another minor. The digital devices include phones or computer instant messaging. Usually the victim is tormented, harassed, humiliated, or threatened. Cyber bullying can only be present when there is a minor on both sides, or started by a minor towards another. Parental involvement turns it into plain cyber-harassment or cyber-stalking. The two kinds of cyber bullying are direct attacks and attacks by a proxy.

Direct attacks are when a minor sends messages directly to the victim via text or IM. The child may send a mean or threatening message to the victim. This also includes “warning wars”. Warning wars are when children “report” or “flag” each other via a website. This can lead to getting kicked off a site for a certain period of time. A child may also create another profile on a social site and use that to attack the victim discretely. Some may also send death threats through text or IM’s using photos and videos.

Attacks by a proxy are when the minor has someone else send the messages either with or without that other person’s knowledge or “doing their dirty work”. Most of the accomplices are used without knowing they are cyber bullying. This form of cyber bullying though, is the most dangerous kind as it often gets an adult or parent involved. Warning wars are also included in this because with enough people “flagging” the victim they will also be kicked off the site for a certain period of time. Most cyber bullies get the victim angry enough that they say hurtful things back, and when the service providers (the people receiving the flags) check to justify the report sent to them, it looks as if the victim is the problem, thus making the service provider the accomplice in this example.

Statistics

• Over half the teens and kids are bullied online, the other half engages in cyber bullying.
• 1 in 3 minors have received a threat online.
• 25% of kids and teens have been cyber bullied through cell phones or IM.
• Over half of the victims DO NOT tell their parents they are being cyber bullied.
• Less than 1 in 5 cyber bully incidents have been reported to law enforcement.
• Girls are more likely than boys to be engaged in cyber bullying.
• Boys are more likely than girls to threaten or be threatened through cyber bullying.
• All races are victims or cyber bullies.

News Story

- The Megan Meier Myspace Incident

Megan Meier was a 13 year old girl from Missouri who had met a person on myspace whom she believed to be a nice boy in her hometown. It turns out that the “boy” was a group of kids and adults who intended to humiliate Megan because a friendship had taken a turn for the worst. After finding out that the new boy was a lie and the new friendship was over, she committed suicide. This act of cyber bullying caused state government officials to pass harsh cyber bullying laws.

- The “Dog Poop” girl

In South Korea a college girl was on a train when her dog pooped on the train floor. When the girl refused to clean it up, a nearby passenger took a picture and posted it on the internet. It soon became viral (popular, something lots of people had seen) and the girl was open to extreme harassment. Some people learned her name and where she lived and she soon had to drop out of school and move to another part of the country.

Cyber Bullying and the Law

Many states have cyber bullying laws and others don’t. Some states consider it a crime and are punishable by law to serve time in juvenile hall, or others give just a fine. In California there is a law in place that allows schools to suspend or expel students for cyber bullying.

How can I prevent myself from cyber bullying?

In my essay, I have learned a lot about cyber bullying. I’ve learned about many of the dangers of it. It was wrong of me to attack like her I did, and could have had repercussions that I did not intend to happen. If it had gone any farther than it did, I could have been suspended or expelled. I will not be part of cyber bullying, and next time I will be more considerate of other people’s feelings. I will simply walk away or not talk to said person if I have nothing nice to say to them or about them.

http://www.stopcyberbullying.org

http://www.bullyingstatistics.org

http://theaggie.org

http://cyberbullying.us

the family bed

Part of me keeps thinking that I REALLY need to break Gabriel of the habit of sleeping in my bed. Now that it's usually just me or just Michael in the bed, there's room for Gabriel and he knows it. This morning I woke on and he was curled up next to me. He was sleeping so soundly, and I reached over and stroked his newly hair-cutted head. I slept in bed with my mom for many years. I mean, I think until I moved out at 18- I would crawl in bed with her every chance I got. There's a certain comfort about it- I admit. I hate to deny Gabriel the comfort I got. Most days I really don't care though- I don't think there is any harm to it. He doesn't steal the covers anymore.

What are your thoughts??

I haz a blog and I will write.

I know right?? Oh my God- she's blogging here? What is she going to say??

Heh- to be honest I have no real clue. I have a head full of thoughts and I'm struggling to put them into full sentences. So here's my brain scramble, try to keep up.

I have no idea how my apartment gets so fucking messy and why I am completely incapable of keeping it clean. I mean- sometimes I think I'm the messiest girl ever.

Today I came home from work and straightened up, so that tomorrow I can clean. I need prep cleaning before I can clean. That's how bad it is. However tonight I de-trash the living room and kitchen. I did a small amount of shopping, washed my sheets, cleaned the cat box and paid the cable bill and fed the kids. Seems pretty simple, but usually I come home from work and take a nap, I wake up when dinner is ready. Do some homework with the kids if needed, read and then it's back to the couch for my homework- or another nap.

My husband, for all his faults, is a better domestic partner than I am.

I know- back and forth and who the hell knows from one day to the next if I am going to be married to him, divorce him, or kill him my damn self!! I haven't made any real decisions about that. I'm just taking it day by day. I know that will disappoint some people, but if you know me- well you know me and I don't have to explain my reasons. If you don't know me, well, you wouldn't understand if I told ya!

However, my new life has it's benefits. A few weeks ago, Alex asked me how my evening was- and I told him minor details. Michael walked into the room and asked what we were talking about and Alex answered, "Mom's date." and the three of us had a bit of a conversation about my date. Really it was more about traffic and the crazy parking situation in LA, but still.

Me and my open marriage.

And a calm conversation about it.

I call that a win.

mental days

I'm taking a few days off of work. My original plan was to spend it with 'the boyfriend' who is in town but that hasn't worked out as I'd hoped. However I see that I do need a few days of peace and quiet to get my head together and get caught up on a few things that have slipped thru the cracks.

My Homework: I am currently failing my Operations Class? Why- cause I just can't get my damn homework done and/or turned in on time? Why? Cause I really just feel overwhelmed and depressed.

My Apartment: I was on a good run in starting to clean it- but I stopped doing the daily maintenance and hid in my room for several nights. Why? Cause I really just feel overwhelmed and depressed.

My Job: Ok, well it doesn't make sense that I would take time off if I need to get back on track at work, however- if I don't just take a few days to unwind, by myself without the kids screaming in my ears, my husband on the phone and the other relationship issues I'm having- well I think I'm just gonna do shitty work. I really DO care about my job more than that.

My life has gotten away from me again. Somewhere, I lost my basket. I lost sight of what is important to me and fell into the scary trap that says, "I'm not good for anyone or anything so maybe I'll just drink and take these pills and then mope for several days on end." My kids are seeing me fall apart. Alex doesn't even want to BE HERE right now. No- this is not good and I just have to get myself together. Put on my big girl panties and pull it together.

How? I have no idea.

I have a hard enough time getting out of bed in the morning, and a harder time getting out of the house. Yesterday I called my girlfriend, just sobbing, crying. Mostly because of the boyfriend, but somewhat because I just felt that I couldn't move. My chest felt like it was about to explode and I wanted to scream and kick and cry. I was terrified and I just couldn't make a step. I expected a nervous breakdown to be something really dramatic, like going to bed for days and days until someone shows up and throws you in a shower, clothes on. No- this breakdown is like the end of a slow speed police chase. I knew the cops were after me, but I figured since I was already going, I may as well go until the engine runs out.

My engine has officially run out. I give up.

My life is unmanageable because I simply don't know what to do with myself. My feelings made no sense, I know they are not true. I am NOT stupid, incapable, or unworthy. I am NOT unstable, unlovable OR unfuckable.

I am not disposable.

However, I feel that I am all those things- and these are feelings that seem to burrow deep under the surface of my skin and like a thin splinter, it's just not gonna come out all that easily. I can't stop myself from falling apart, it's already happening and it simply needs to happen. However, I have to set parameters that are within normal limits for my kids to feel secure. Everytime Gabriel sees me cry, he has a set back. The circle is vicious and nobody is gonna stop it if I don't.

So what's next? Well I'll tell you- I'm not sure. It looks a little like soothing my soul with comfort food. Talking out some issues with the boyfriend in hopes for some relationship aftercare. and who knows, maybe some laundry.

perspective

Mike suggested I go back to therapy. Maybe I do need to get back into therapy. I can hear my friends- and Christine from the other side saying... yes yes yes you do.

It's not that don't BELIEVE in therapy, because I do. I was in therapy for a long time after my first divorce... and when Michael and I were first married. Then there was the years in Al-Anon. I acknowledge the importance of therapy and I am not ABOVE getting professional help.

I just don't have the time or the money or the energy that it takes. When the cash flow gets low, I am the first to give up the things I "need". I quote "need" because really- what do I NEED? I had a conversation with a coworker the other day in which she said, you know- "When I came to work today- most of my 'needs' were met" and she referenced the chart below. I take a look at this today- and I think... you know, maybe it's not all so bad. Other than a general fear of death, disease and bankruptcy... I think I'm ok.

I am healthy, I have coffee and a banana for breakfast and I'm bringing lunch to work today. Rent is paid, my kids are safe. I have friends and famly- and while the sexual/intimacy thing is not PERFECT, it could sure be worse. My esteem is pretty well in check and to be honest I think I as far as self-actualization goes... well, I'm not too far from where I can possible be at this point in my life.

Maybe what I need to do is look at this list every day- and realize that it's not all so bad. Many people have less. I am not depressed. I'm just anxious. Jumpy and a bit restless. The upcoming separation weighs as heavily upon me as it is also a rock in my shoe. I worry about how it will effect the things I need. How it will effect my feelings of safety and love, how it will effect my children.

But then, it's just time passing. He and I both knew that this was bound to happen eventually and we are both in agreement that it SHOULD happen. There's sadness, but relief for both of us. I believe that.

So while maybe it would help me to talk to someone about my 'feelings' and perhaps attempt to salvage whatever heart I may have left before I walk out of this marriage more jaded that I already am.... another part of me feels that it's just not something I need right now. I'm tearing my family apart, I think maybe I can set my "wants" aside for a little while. Maybe I'm all used up on that right now.

Bring it on, Academia!

Like most parents across the country, I am pretty happy this time of year. A sigh of relief is waiting for me just on the other side.

Tomorrow is the first day of school.

Finally. The kids will be back to a regular schedule, gone for most of the day- learning, running around. Recess. Lunch at school.

It's so hella expensive during the summer. Entertaining them, and feeding three kids, three meals a day is emotionally taxing. Usually my kids eat breakfast at my moms and lunch at school. I save a lot of my food bill. This summer practically killed me.

So tomorrow Daniel starts kindergerten, Gabriel starts 1st grade and Alex is going high school. Not the high school that I went to, sadly, but the one that my sibs went to. It wasn't a rival high school really. It's weird that he's going to high school. It means that in more years, he's done with high school and he'll be driving and going to college, and damn I still have a hard time getting that kid to remember to wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom. Surely he's not ready to go to college right??

Ritalin- Day 4

I started Daniel on it twice a day today so I could see what it does- rather than have Michael tell me, considering that he forgot to give it to him on Friday.

(notes I jotted down)

Given at 7:45 after breakfast. He seemed to be having fun with Gabriel. Playing on the computer, he was a bit moody- talkative. Fussing with Gabriel about toys. Playing with his toys, watching TV. Talkative.

Given at 11:40 after lunch. Sat down with me to watch Tom and Jerry. Playing with Power Rangers at same time. Talking a LOT. Pacing the room with his toys, not paying too much attention to the TV. Wants to play Club Penguin. Set him up, a little fuss in the waiting.

-

So ok- nothing spectacular really. The magic though, is what happened after 5:30. Holy crap. It was like a light switch. You don't notice anything special when he's ON the meds, but when it wears off- that's when you notice. At 6PM, he was all "Danny" again. He was sort of all over. Getting really riled up, yelling a lot. Doing several things at once. The 'motor' was running. He even TALKED faster and you couldn't hear what he was saying.

The morning was like the rare times when Danny was having a good day at home. The evening is the way he usually is most days. Seeing the difference makes me wonder if he wouldn't benefit from something long lasting that works into the evenings, or maybe just a third pill. It's a small dosage, only 5 mg. It just seems to slow him down, not to a level that he is is sedated. Far from it. However, it's to a level where he can focus on one thing at a time, and be less frustrated with himself and everyone else.

Hmmm. Something to discuss with his doctor.

Ritalin- Day 3

I gave Daniel his pill today after lunch. I put the pill in his mouth and gave him some water, he seems to have the concept down of swallowing it without chewing.

He played at the computer for a few hours with no fuss. Didn't complain about a headache or stomach ache or anything. He was pretty quiet and was able to stop playing the game to go to the bathroom, or have some water. It was all pretty simple.

Around 4, he fell asleep on his bed for about 45 minutes and at 5 he had that melt down I mentioned. He ate dinner, something new, with much LESS fuss than usual.

In the evening he seemed back to his old self and got in trouble before bed.

Things I've noticed:

He is less talkative.

He is a little moody.

So far no problems eating. (He takes his pill after meals)

No problems sleeping

Tomorrow we will put him on two pills a day and see how that goes.

Brothers

This is how it is with brothers.

Daniel wanted Gabriel's toy and was crying because he doesn't like to share his toys. He was crying and throwing quite a fit about it really which sucks. I tried explaining that he has to share but you know, he's 5 and still very immature.

Daniel crying. Gabriel is saying, "No, I'm playing with it. It's my turn."

Both Mike and I go in individually to tell Daniel to stop screaming. It's Gabe's turn, find something else. Just deal. Gabriel was watching TV and really just 'holding' the stupid Power Ranger, but that's not the point. I wanted to just make Gabriel give it to him, because... why does everything have to cause so much drama, right? However Daniel can't just throw a fit like that when he doesn't get what he wants.

Then, Alex decided to get off the computer and went into the bedroom and said, "Gabriel the computer's all yours."

Gabriel threw the toy to Daniel.
Everyone is happy.

Thanks Alex.

Think for yourself

Alex never wanted my constant approval. He didn't really want me to do everything for him, when it came to games, toys, things like that. He often whined when he couldn't do things well, but he was really impatient when he was learning things. He could often see it once and then do it himself. This doesn't mean he did everything well, he was often too impulsive and impatient. As kids go, however, he was rarely needy.

He was never very clingy. He was too busy for that. Gabriel is very different. He is needy.

All the boys love attention and want accolades for being able to put thier pants on right, that's true for all men. All my boys adore me and know that I love them for the knuckleheads that they are. I hope that they will grow up to be good men who can handle thier shit. That's my job. To raise boys to be men who will one day leave the nest and build nests of thier own. Alex and Daniel, I can see already are too fast to be anything but independent as soon as they have jobs to get the hell out of here. Barring something catastrophic, I think those two will always be go go go.

Gabriel puzzles me. He is not very independent. He needs feedback, constantly and I worry that he is not an independent thinker. Every day he asks us to make choices for him. "Who do you want me to be?" (in his imaginary play). Ironman or Superman? Bumblebee or Megatron? Green Lantern or The Flash?

Really- do I care? No... I don't care. You go be whoever you wanna be in your own little Gabriel head.

Which toy should I play with?
Who do you think my favorite super hero should be?

Then there's the clinginess. He can't sleep. He claims he has nightmares- but really he just wakes up in the middle of the night and feels that a 'nightmare' will get my attention faster. He manipulates his father to sitting up with him night after night until I finally said No More. Last night he called me from his room and said, "Mom I had a nightmare!"

I told him to turn his pillow over and go back to sleep. Done.

He doesn't need help doing most things, but he asks for help anyway. It makes me a little nuts. He will go outside, play with friends and be gone for hours, which is good- but it makes me wonder if, when he's with his friends, he also always waits for others to make decisions for him. He's sensitive, almost too sensitive really and while it's not 'concerning' - it's hard to be as sarcastic as I am, without constantly hurting this kids feelings.

Last weekend he was swimming at my mom's. He had one a mask, like a snorkeling mask because he's also one of those kids who can't bear to get chlorine in his eyes....

ok- and what's up with that?? I mean- I used to have to open my eyes underwater and look around all blurry. Is he just too precious that he can't do that? He won't swim without goggles now. Irritating. Oh and it's also semi-ridiculous!

back to the story...

He had a snorkel type mask on and he was going up and down in the water, really slow, watching the view change as he went under. So I laughed. It looked kinda cute and funny. I told him he was silly.

He started to cry.
He got out of the pool and went crying to his dad. "Mom was making fun of me!!"

Mike came to me and asked me why I was being mean to Gabriel. Ummmm, what?? He said I was making fun of Gabriel in the pool.

Oh for fucks sake are you kidding me??

I told Mike what happened, and while he sided with Gabriel because whatever I had done had clearly upset him and maybe I should apologize.

Or MAYBE... just maybe, Gabriel should toughen up a little so that people can laugh when he's doing something funny and not be such a Sally about it. He was laughing while he did it. No, I will not apologize. Grow a pair, kid.

Yeah Yeah, say what you will. Mean Mommy. Bad Julie.
Nobody benefits from a kid who's a pussy.

Don't even get me started on Dogs.

Ritalin- Day 2

It's day two and Daniel took his pill just fine as I was told.

He got it today late, as Mike who called me at 7AM to ask about them, promptly forgot to give them to him. So Daniel took his pill at 3PM. No matter these first few days.

He complained of a little stomach ache, but he ate dinner with no problem. He was kind of tired. He seemed quieter, but it could have been the time of day. He simply seemed tired and a little bit moody, that equals quiet.

At 7:30, almost like a switch, he 'woke up'. He was running and playing and being silly. Being Danny. Interesting that it was 4 1/2 hours after he took his pill. He will have some side effects for a week or so... but at least we know they only last 4.5 hours at a time.

I was having coffee with a dear friend of mine last night and I was telling her that while I know this will help Danny, and it will help the whole family, I'm a little sad. While sometimes it's frustrating- I just hope that these meds don't take away the essence that is that sweet little baby. Danny is particularly special to me, and his charming funny personality brightens my day more than anything else. I don't want to take that away. I hope that this doesn't.

Ritalin- Day 1

So this morning I took Daniel for his trip to a psychiatrist, after a few visits to a psychologist and then his primary doctor. All are agreed that just a little touch of medicine might make it a little easier for him and the rest of us. I feel like he's young for it, but Alex had it and I see it in Daniel already.

I've done a lot of research on ADHD and on the medications vs. therapies etc. Right now I'm going a small dose of ritalin twice a day and see how that does. So far we got through the first hurdle which was him swallowing a pill.

I'm a fast thinker. I dropped the pill into his mouth and then shot water (via plastic water bottle) down his throat. He didn't know what hit him.

So far, no stomach aches, headaches nausea, nervousness or decreased appetite.
Thats a good sign. We're going with just one pill thru the weekend and starting with two pills on Monday so he'll have it in his system when school starts and we'll see how it goes.

The pills only last about 4-5 hours, so we may increase it so he'll have some in his system in the evenings, but at this point it's more about getting him through his school day and homework time.

I'm hopeful that this will help him- and the rest of us a bit too. It was easier with Alex because he was the only kid at home most of the time. It's harder now, even though Daniel's ADHD is less severe than Alex's- but 2/3 kids with ADHD in a small apartment is a good reason why mommy takes Xanax.

seriously....

Is this the cutest fucking picture of any of my kids ever?? You have to click it to really get a grasp of the cute.


Really- if you're having a bad day- just refer to this page cause you know- how do you not smile at this picture?

it starts early

My 5 year old child is pretty obsessed with his penis. This is no different than any other man I've ever met, but he's not out of the age yet where he doesn't just grab it in public. I try not to make a big deal out of, I don't freak out or smack his hand away. It's not like he's sitting with his pants down or anything, he's just, you know, grabbing himself over his pants like he's Eminem.

Me: Daniel are you having a problem with your pee pee?

Daniel: No mom. It's just really big right now.

Really, I can't make this shit up.

Wait... what?

Yesterday on the way home from swim practice and Alex said, "When I graduate from high school, I'm gonna go there."  

Huh??  

"The Armed Forces Recruiting place.  I'm going to go there after graduation."

Wait... what??

I looked at him, probably with the same expression I had when he told me he swallowed a quarter.  "You what?"  Surely he misspoke.

"Yeah, I want to go into the Army after high school."

dead stare

"Didn't I ever tell you that?"

speak Julie.  Say something.  Anything.  Someone hit me on the back of the head.  Who is this kid?  Military?  Alex??

Lazy, half-ass, hyper, won't shut up, can't stop moving.... ALEX?    

in the military.

I realize that I haven't spoken yet. 

 

"No, you've never said anything about it before." Doesn't he know that there's a war going on?  A war, that could conceivably be still ON in 4 years?  I think this is the conversation that I silently and unknowingly feared ever since I heard the words, "It's a boy."

We talked a little more.  I asked him why.  Not in an offensive way, just curious. I was careful not to seem negative, or even nervous.  But I was.  Very much.  I know what you're thinking- he's 14.  He will change his mind.  Next week he'll want to be a doctor, or a podiatrist, or a fucking PIRATE.  

He's been thinking about it for a while now.  Really??  I didn't know this.  Why didn't I know this?  

Here's the thing about Alex.  He's NEVER told me I want to do this when I get older.  He's never displayed any interest in a career, or a job, or what kind of car he wants.  Sarah has been talking about being a doctor for a long time.  (Of course NOW she wants to go to art school... in Canada.)  Not Alex, I have talked to him for the past year or so about college, what he might want to do after high school, the classes I want him to take since they will benefit him when he goes on to college, etc.  This was the first time he's ever talked back.

"I want to be like Uncle Rick," he said, "He has a good life.  The respect of the people around him.  He was part of something awesome.  I want that."

Smiling, I reached out and touched his hand.  

We talked a little bit more about it.  What branch of the service he might be interested in.  Maybe the Marines, maybe the army.  I suggested he research his options and that he talk to his Uncle Rick.  He asked me if his flat feet were going to keep him from the military.  I admit, I had always been a bit relieved back when I thought that it would and I never mentioned to Alex that Rick advised me that it doesn't anymore.  I never really thought that Alex would want to be a soldier, but I admit I was somewhat hesitant to put that information out there, just in case.  

It was out there now.  

I cannot deny that is scares me.  However, I cannot utter a harsh word about his decision.  I have always been a strong supporter of the armed forces.  My brother is a hero, not only to myself but to my family.  I could never say that the military is ok for the sons of others, but not for me.  No, I don't believe that.  

I remember how much it hurt when my brother left for basic.  I remember it so vividly.  I was a year older than Alex is right now.  I also remember running through the crowd the day he graduated basic, and jumping to him and hugging him so tight, because I was so very proud.

No, I could never be against it if he wants to do that.  I could never even consider talking him out of it, even now in these early stages when I probably could talk him out of it.  Maybe he will change his mind, there's an amazing change he will- however it won't be because of me.  

Mothers Day

I've yet to find a better song that this, that will cheer me up, make me dance and really reiterate the whole feminine power thing.

And while the lyrics are not deep or anything- it feels good to sing it outloud, and know that to someone: it's true.

I have talked a lot about my struggles with motherhood.  It was a true honest moment between my mom and I when she admitted that motherhood did not come easy for her.  I am much the same- I often approach in a way that is more logical than loving.  My maternal instinct hides beneath the surface.  I'm not the warm and fuzzy kind, but I try to be understanding and open.  

Somedays I wake up and wonder, where am I, and where did all these kids come from??  

I do the best that I can, which some days is just enough to get them clothed, fed and housed.  Hopefully that is what they will remember.  That I did the best I could and know that I love them.

January 2004 the first pic taken of my 4 kids.  

Links and laughs

It's important to have perspective about H1N1.
and a sense of humor.

Scarier than H1N1- and I think #8 says it all, even for me.

In my neverending obsession with cock... I found some of these kinda interesting.

And while I don't encourage it for my minors, sexting kinda rules.

--

Alex asked me the other day if he could have a girlfriend. His approach was very much like, "Can I have a puppy- I swear mom I'm old enough to take care of it."

There's a girl and she's also 14. They like each other.

Well, that's all find and good, except I'm not going to be one of those moms who lets you go alone in your room. Maybe she can come over and hang out- maybe a movie. However, the one issue that I can't sidestep is mom. MY MOM!!!

See, my kids go to my mom's house after school until I get home. They practically LIVE at my mothers house, and just come home for dinner and on the weekends. It's a shared custody agreement, of sorts. The rules that apply at Oma's house, don't always apply to me- however, most of the time, its her house, her rules and I cannot risk 'standing up to her' because I can't always deny that her efforts, while sometimes a bit overkill- are not totally unreasonable.

He's 14. He's the product of two parents who celebrated the birth of thier first child before they celebrated thier one year anniversary (dating). So it's easy to say that his level of responsibility is genetically altered from the start. Neither his dad nor I have ever been any pillars of strength when it comes to getting laid (or NOT) so I wade into this water somewhat hesitantly trying to avoid two things:

1) disregarding his feelings. I do understand what it's like to have a crush and I try my best not to say stupid things like 'oh there's going to be a hundred girls- and you can wait' or 'you're too young to even know what you're feeling'.

2) becoming my mother. Lets face it. Like it or not, I was oversexed at a young age, for reasons I don't know. Even though I didn't lose my V card until senior year, I was not exactly pure in my actions. The problem is that my mother worked SO HARD to reign me in that I went the other way. She never talked to me about sex. She simply said 'don't do it' from the time I was 11. I want to be open with Alex about sex and women in hopes that he won't have misguided ideals.

I told Alex that I would talk to his dads and see what we come up with. I reminded him that when he's at Oma's, I can't override her rules, which makes life difficult, I know.

Moments later, he said that [this girl] is not allowed to date until 10th grade. Ok, situation averted, I thought.

The he asked, "But could I get girlfriend? If you know, maybe if I meet a girl who doesn't have to wait until 10th grade? I can date [this girl] later."

sigh....

He's soooo my kid.

Daddy issues

and no this is not a post about spanking...

I think, growing up my parents were particularly strict. Maybe my mother was paranoid, and in ways, she was right to be. I wonder how much MORE trouble I would have been in had I had extra lee way as a teenager.

My mom's punishment I feel was disproportionate to the crimes. I missed 6th Grade Camp because I was caught passing notes in class. I stole 5 dollars and went to a boys house, and she put me in a different school. I got a job when I was a junior in high school because it was the only way I could get out of the house because I was just "globally" grounded.

My step dad was different though. My dad since I was about eight, I think. While as an adult, our relationship got much better before he died, he was really an asshole. He was just kind of a mean and nasty guy- and a pervert, which now I'm sure I could either blame or thank him for- depends on the day. I also have a few memories in which I'm certain he was incestuously inappropriate, but 20 years later- I'm hardly scathed by it.

What I remember most about my step dad was that I was short and small and he- in my memories- was about 400 pounds and 8 feet tall with this loud booming voice of disgust, disappointment, and disapproval. When he was angry, every other word was "fuck" and he used it with no regard to my age, or whoever was standing around. He called me names and told me I was stupid and all the other things that you don't say to a young girl or to a teenage girl or a grown woman- or really to anyone. I think because I was the youngest and the squeekiest wheel, I got it the worst- but maybe my siblings would disagree, I don't know.

I was no angel- I'm not claiming that, but again- there's a way to discipline and not leave the child feeling demoralized. That is what happened a lot to me.

So when my husband gets angry at the kids and yells at them, I am almost always tempted to step in. It's not that I don't raise my voice at the kids, I do. I hate being that shrill mom who is always yelling to "knock it off!" However, I try very hard not to be that mom who is yelling, "What the hell is the matter with you?!?!?" while up in the face of my small children. When I feel that my husband is doing that, or that he's just being too loud or too intimidating, I always want to go in and diffuse the situation. I want to protect them from what MIGHT be going on in their young impressionable minds- even though I don't think he's as bad as my dad was. But just in case. My husband has that big booming voice, and back in the day when we used to fight and he used to yell at me, I would go right back to that place where I felt small and intimidated and demoralized.

While he doesn't do that to me anymore, sometimes I still get weird when I hear him yelling at the kids. It bothers me, and I have to be reminded, often, to NOT undermine his efforts with the kids. I have to remember also that my step dad was NOT 400 pounds, nor was he 8 feet tall.

And I'm not a little girl anymore.