A Million Little Questions

I finished the book I was reading, A Million Little Peices. I now have a Million Little Questions. Was it that bad for M? Did he have those dreams where he was in a room of drugs and booze and doing as much as he could as fast as he could, and did he wake up feeling high from it? Did he meet people who cried in his arms for the loss of thier lives, did he cry in anyone elses arms for the loss of his own? Did he blame me? What about when he was in rehab years ago- did he have chores? Did he get into any fights? What about Jackie? After all this time, and all that I suspected, I am curious what happened? Did he have feelings for her?- I know she had feelings for him. Did they connect on some level that I can't understand because I am not cursed with those demons? Did he think he loved her, even briefly because she understood- and I know at that time I wanted to, but I couldn't. I want to ask him, ask him, ask him? I want to thumb through the book and say, did this happen to you- did that happen to you? Do you know someone who did this? Did it feel the way the guy describes it? What was it like for you? I know I can't really ask, shouldn't ask. I can only listen if he tells- but I want to know. I makes me afraid NOT to know. More of this secret life, this dark secret that he won't share, doesn't share, can't share.
And here I am, wanting to know, wanting wanting wanting. Needing, obsessing about it. This story I read that is not my life, but relates to my life. It's his life and his story, not mine. Let go and let God. Let my God tell me what I need to know, let his God teach him what he needs to learn. He is not my God. His disease is not my higher power. I know that, but I have questions that may never be answered, or if I just listen, maybe they will be answered.
I need to read my books, do more writing, call my sponsor. Breathe. He is not using today, I beleive that. Things are ok, we agreed not to make any decisions- so here I am. Trying, trying to trust, trying to believe- or at least keeping my mouth firmly shut about the fact that I don't. Don't discourage, because maybe he's telling the truth. Last night I became overcome with fear and I'm not sure why. But I laid close to him, and he put his arms around me- and I told him that I was feeling afraid. He didn't ask me why- maybe he knows. He just let me lay close to him- and we fell asleep. I felt safe laying there with him...and that scared me even more.