Tuesday, still powerless

Keeping my boundaries is hard. I always feel guilty and I second guess my decision. He is good at making me feel bad, and I wonder if my boundaries are reasonable, even though I know that they are. I have unreasonable thoughts, but in general, I'm not an unreasonable person. He yells at me and accuses me of treating him like a child and emasculating him but I can't do anything about how he feels, that's not my deal. I can only keep my boundaries and hopefully someday he will respect me for not allowing him to fool me so easily.
I got to share about my program with one of my friends today. Not just how it relates to me or how I apply the Al-Anon principles to my marriage, but the program in itself. How it works, some of the traditions- and the correlation between AA and Al-Anon. I talked about my desire to be of service. I have never really talked to anyone about it before. My need to be useful and not just for myself. I always felt like I never really did anything, but in truth, I never really did anything for anyone but myself- or my family. Nothing just for the good of doing it. Things like volunteer work or anything like that sounds really great- but I never got involved before. In Al-Anon I can be of service to others and in doing so, help myself grow in my program. Feeling useful is good for my self-esteem- God knows being at home doesn't do anything for my it.
Today I am recommitting to my program. I know that I lost my footing, but I realize that I can get it back. I have to give all my feelings about him, and my marriage and just turn it over to God, because I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how I feel about him. I don't know what I want, and I don't know what the next indicated thing to do is. I can only turn it over to my Higher Power and perhaps he will make sense of the mess in my head, and give it back to me- only a little neater and easier to read.