Forgiveness is for me

It was suggested to me to forgive M for not living up to my expectations. I know that he never did drugs or drank with the intention of hurting me, not once did he ever throw back the bottle and think, "this will teach her..." He has a disease, and I know that. I think I have been waiting to trust him again, before I can forgive him. I didn't realize that I had expectations for him to live up to- until that was suggested to me. It's amazing the insight that people who are not involved can give you. I think I have to forgive first and trust later- or maybe never really trust again- but the lack of trust is not what is holding up this relationship. It's the lack of forgiveness. I think forgiveness will give way to letting go of anger and finally resentments. maybe.
I am not a person that holds grudges. I never did. I always knew that holding a grudge took up energy and time and I guess I was never motivated enough to stay mad. And while I can live day to day in this life, I know that they resentments are there. The anger is there. He knows it, I know it. Hell, everyone knows it. And I know that I need to let that go. I need to forgive. I need to figure out HOW to forgive. I don't know if I've ever really had to go through the motions of forgiving, I usually just get over it- without having to go through the emotional process. One day I'm just not mad anymore. Now I don't know if that equals forgiveness, but the issue eventually gets dropped one way or another. And I guess I need to go through the process of forgiveness. I don't know how to do that. I know that I need to try.
There was a time that I was asking for forgiveness when I had betrayed someone. And I begged him for it, and told him that he would learn to trust me again. I don't know that he ever did, but he did forgive me. I guess that forgiveness needs to be the first step, no matter what the outcome. I just don't know how to do it because I didn't know that I needed to.
Easy Does it today. I need to remember that and not try to force anything. Just be willing.... willing to try.