4 days....

My son is leaving on Sunday. Originally he was not leaving until the 19th- but his dad, my ex has decided he is going two weeks early, so my son will be leaving with him. I think I've been in denial about it, and now it's really happening. I'm trying not to be emotional about it, because my son is an emotional kid. I don't want to make it harder for him. I am also trying not to be bitter, because he seems so excited to be leaving in the first place. I'm trying to be funny, and joke around about how much quieter it will be around the house without him around. How I won't have to watch Yu-Gi-Oh anymore or hear about Avatar. No longer will I have to listen to "U Can't Touch This" on Radio Disney or "Who Let the Dogs Out" or "The Naked Mole Rap." Kim Possible who??

He laughs and says "mommmm" knowing that I am joking. Knowing that I like to tease him and make him laugh. Knowing how I am the cool mom who tries not to freak out if the f-bomb slips out (I know where he learned it), or who simply lets his grades be what they are because lets face it folks, in 5th grade- who cares if it's an A or a B.

When I was in labor with him. He was late and I was in the hospital. I was not progressing, and my contractions, while painful and uncomfortable, were induced and producing nothing. I was exhausted and irritated and as my step dad likes to quote me from that day, "This Sucks!"

It had been 34 hours of labor and I was now waiting for the next 45 minutes to pass before the let me have the C-section. With about 15 minutes to go, the monitor starts beeping and his heart rate started to drop. Nurses came running in and there was so much commotion. They were telling me to roll this way, prop myself up, put my leg up, no roll that way, this leg here, prop up, lay down- whatever. I was low on fluid and because I kept throwing up- I kept losing whatever fluid they were pumpin in there. He was could be laying on the cord, you don't know. Could be wrapped. Dont' know. So I was there doing what they said and listening for that beep beep beep of the monitor. I was laying facing the monitor and staring right at it. Watching the number drop. lower lower lower.... I just started at it. I could. like an echo, hear my mom, gasping and trying to ask questions to the nurses. I could hear the echo nurses around me. I could even hear the echo of my ex by the door, being distracted and escorted in another direction by my sister. But all I could clearly hear was that beep beep beep. And then it was gone. I started blankly at that LCD screen.

Just you and me, I remember thinking, you won't do this to me. We have a deal you and me. I remember that I whispered his name. I remember the world stopping, for just that moment between me and this unborn child. I started at that screen for what seemed like minutes, although I'm sure it was just a few seconds....and I prayed, even though I hadn't prayed in years...

....beep....

and he was back.

Within minutes I was rushed into the operating room. On the way down the hall they pumped up my epidural and I slept through the whole thing. I woke for a second when I heard him cry. They brought him next to my face and I touched him.

And I may never tell him how much I miss The Naked Mole Rap. Or how I will probably listed to Radio Disney, even though I don't have to. He won't ever know how much I wanted him to tell me he didn't want to go. He will never ever know how much I love him. He will never know that I am dying...absolutely dying inside to see him go. And how when his dad said he wanted to take him to North Carolina, the world stopped once again.