No triple talaq

The triple talaq is a mechanism for divorce which exists in some forms of Islam. It simply consists of the husband saying the phrase I divorce you (Arabic:talaq) to the wife, three times.

Wouldn't that be nice huh??

Well that isn't how they do it here in California. In California when you want to get a divorce you have to gather some papers and go visit a local courthouse, find the right building, which never happens on the first try and then go wait in line. When you get to the window, you find out that you're missing something.

So you go home, or back to work- and get the form you are missing- then go back later that day. There will be about 10 people in line, and someone will have a crying baby. It's not a huge deal, babies cry. Luckily the baby will be cute- so that helps and you feel sorry for the baby. So then you will text your friends about how excited you are- and some chatter about the baby- because you know... by then you just wanna help the mom out and hold and snorgle that cute baby....

So when you get to the front of the line. The excitement overwhelms you and you go up to the clerk and exclaim with great joy, "I'm filing for divorce!"

She looks through you papers as you hold your breath. You make small talk, ask her, "so how was YOU'RE day dear?" You are nice, friendly, sympathetic. Anything for a smile. You worry because she doesn't smile right away- realizing that this woman who is probably underpaid to deal with litigious people all day is what stands between you and your freedom.

Finally a smile, and you actually HEAR the heavens open up. Yes, you hear them.

You will make a joke about how you should be more sad than this- but you can't help yourself. She laughs. And reaches for it. That magical apparatus that you've waited for since the day you realized you deserve more than this marriage had to offer. The stamped. FILED. Then the other stamper with a CASE NUMBER.

Holy shit, you're getting a divorce.

So it's not as easy as saying.

"I divorce you

I divorce you

I divorce you..."

But then again, it's not SO bad...

Everything, anything, something.

This past week, things in my life have gotten pretty ugly. The divorce is SO on, and I sense that he might try to argue with me about things like custody and alimony. I don't think I should have to pay alimony- I know that he DID stay home and care for the kids while I went to school, but I never stopped him from working. I would have RATHER he worked. My idea was that if he was going to be at home anyway- he can watch the kids.

I bought a book last week on filing your own divorce- forms and regulations and a disc that puts it together for you. Last night in his bag I saw a book. The Everything Divorce Book.

Ok, I admit that I did laugh a little bit, because the Everything Series covers Autism to Wicca and Witchcraft. Not to say that there isn't important information- I'm sure there is. I am curious where he got it and if he somehow thinks he's now equipped with the Everything book to come up against cold hard facts.

I'm not trying to hurt anyone here. I want my freedom. I don't HAVE to fight for custody of my kids, or the right to stay in my apartment. I don't want any money from him. He doesn't even have to say, "I'm sorry."

Unfortunately life has gotten desperate and I'm drowning, and now I just need to get away at any cost. Like when you have to let go of a drowning victim who is hysterical before they drown you too. (or some analogy that is close to that) I need to go- and fast because the water is up over my head and I've been holding my breath and treading water for longer than my lungs and legs can hold out.

He's not a BAD guy. He's not evil. At one point, not too long ago I said with the utmost certainty that he was the love of my life. I may always somehow feel that way. However I'm starting to think that there is word missing from that phrase. "best" or "greatest" or any word that describes that this love is in any way a GOOD thing. I have been in love before and will be in love again and again. I loved him so much that I'm killing us both. That is not what I'd c0nsider the greatest love of my life. But definitely a significant one.

I need an Everything Book. The Everything Getting your Shit Together Book. It would have chapters like "Dishes- you can do it." "Laundry is not for Wussies" and "Not everything is 15 minutes away" and "Yes, You too can balance a checking account."

Where is THAT Everything Book?

words

Sometimes I wonder how I can call myself a writer. My words are not eloquent. My thoughts are not deep. My experiences not unique.

I am nothing special. I will never write a great novel about overcoming adversity or reaching the impossible dream. Chances are, I will never put an erotica submission together for one of Rachel Kramer Bussel's anthologies. I read other peoples words and I wonder- why was I not gifted with such beautiful language?

My dear friend @Mollena just twittered this:

Jasmine trees are blooming & even in this evening's chill they are so beautiful to smell & elicit memories complex as cartographs of my heart.

In 140 characters she has made me wonder, "what memory is this? Why is it complex? What is it about?" Cartographs? My simple brain would have said "map" even thought I know that just the word brings up a different feel. Words like blooming, chill, elicit, cartographs. A good vocabulary separates the simple from the truly beautiful.

Maybe someday I will get there, but until then- I will simply envy those that do.

Everything you need for a fresh start

Life has been pretty hectic lately. With the usual busy work and school I have some added fun things. This Saturday is our annual Women's Heart and Stroke Event that I do much to coordinate. My father is having surgery next week, which will require me to find alternative day care/ rides for all three of my kids who start school at the same time, in two different locations- but end school at different times. Also, Mike is not here. He's off getting.... better. Or something. I'm not sure what he's getting, but he's getting on my fucking nerves.

Detox is hard, and detoxing off of meds that you take for pain? Well, you watch House, you know... Anyway- he's in pain and miserable and dead set on making my life miserable, since on top of being in pain- he's also an addict. So detox is hard and I'm MORE than happy to give him space, space and more space to go thru that- and when he comes out on the otherside of detox and starts TREATMENT- I plan to be right there, ready and waiting.

with divorce papers.

So today I went out and bought a book.

I know right? But I need to start somewhere. I can't get a lawyer, I really don't think I need one. We have no assets, nothing other than this apartment is in "our" names. We practically agree on everything in regards to who gets what. My stance is "take what you want if you have someplace to put it." I really don't care. A couch, a bed, a dresser. Fucking take it. It means nothing. I just want to walk out with my life, and my kids, I don't see that it's going to be a problem, except for the drama.

He said to me today, "Well the girls in the house feel that it's pointless for me to even talk to you about working things out."

"What?" I asked, "When did we start talking about working things out? I thought we both agreed we want this?"

As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I regretted them because he said. "Oh well it's what YOU want- so it's what I want."

Oh good lord. So you're doing me a FAVOR? Are you fucking kidding me? You don't have to agree to the divorce, you know, genius? But ok. tell me- what do these "girls" say? These girls- who know nothing but what you've told them. These girls who have not had to deal with your ass for 10 years, bgut just under 10 DAYS. sure.

No- actually- don't tell me.

"Yes, it is what I want," I finally said.

"And I'll give it to you."

Oh- you'll GIVE IT to me. Gee THANKS!! I didn't tell him that I'd already bought the book- that would seem cruel. Sure, you want to think you are doing me a favor. The pied piper of marital dissolution wishes? Whatever.

And of course, I have some weird feelings about it. But they are just feelings- they don't mean anything. The weird feelings I have about divorce are about as insignificant as my feelings about love and trust and honesty in this marriage. It'd be nice f we could get a handle on it- but there's no need to have expectations, rights?