words

Sometimes I wonder how I can call myself a writer. My words are not eloquent. My thoughts are not deep. My experiences not unique.

I am nothing special. I will never write a great novel about overcoming adversity or reaching the impossible dream. Chances are, I will never put an erotica submission together for one of Rachel Kramer Bussel's anthologies. I read other peoples words and I wonder- why was I not gifted with such beautiful language?

My dear friend @Mollena just twittered this:

Jasmine trees are blooming & even in this evening's chill they are so beautiful to smell & elicit memories complex as cartographs of my heart.

In 140 characters she has made me wonder, "what memory is this? Why is it complex? What is it about?" Cartographs? My simple brain would have said "map" even thought I know that just the word brings up a different feel. Words like blooming, chill, elicit, cartographs. A good vocabulary separates the simple from the truly beautiful.

Maybe someday I will get there, but until then- I will simply envy those that do.

Put it in your pantry with your cupcakes

I know, where the hell have a I been right? Well, this Financial Management class is kicking my ass. I'm not sure if I'm going to have to retake it, or if as long as I can pull a C, I will be saved by my cumulative GPA. Either way, it sucks outloud. It's essentially over on Tuesday... and I am going to spend most of the next three days getting my project and done. Part of me wants to just say fuck it, I'm going to have to retake this anyway, why go through this headache? But, I'm almost done, and there's a chance I can pass with a C.

Wish me luck and I hope I'll be back more next month.

I'm not ready to start spilling about some of the things I have planned. Big decisions and big changes and I don't want to jinx anything by claiming that things are happening. I can just say that things are falling into place in a way that makes me feel that my decisions are good. I'm not sure how to feel about that, probably because it's so rare that I make a good decision I just don't trust it.

But you'll know soon enough, cause we all know I don't keep my mouth shut.

In the mean time, look at this picture of my new kitty.

Sunday with my Google Reader

Expect this to be NSFW:

I started using my google reader so that I don't miss the writings of my friends.  I don't just read blogs... I have friends who WRITE blogs.  As a good friend, I want to read what they have written, even though most likely we've already talked about it.  Some are just people I know from their blogs, or twitter.  

Anyway... so this Sunday morning I am sitting on my patio- somewhat away from noise inside the house and I'm sort of pretending not to hear that the boys are being too loud and Mike is probably going to wake up angry because he is supposed to be going somewhere this morning- and he's sleeping through the phone call- and will most likely miss the opportunity to go.  Not my problem.

So lets see whats in my Google reader today.  

A follow up on Richard and Amy, a married couple who live a 24/7 BDSM lifestyle.  They interest me.  I could never be anyone submissive all the time.  I don't have that kind of discipline.

A fantastic sex blogger already is starting a new site Beyond the Birds and the Bees which will be "online resource where people can share accounts of conversations between parents and children on the topic of sexuality."  This should be a great site and I hope to be able to participate in it.

Another married D/s couple who I know and love.  I would like him to take my picture someday.   

A little bit of Butch, Bez, and Business Humor.

Fleshbot and JaymeWaxman who really is as cool in real life as she appears to be on her website.  I'm kinda Fangirl about her- and I hope to see her again this year and talk to her a little bit more.

Jezebel (which I have often thought to change my sexblogger persona name to).  Which is a great website with great links to great stories.  Also... I suspect it's run by the same company that runs

Fleshbot.

Largehearted Boy- AKA, a very LARGE musis website of music I don't know- but I probably should.   If you are a music lover, you will probably like this site.  I always like the links to the Try it Before you Buy it's 

Michelle Obama on Huffington Post- cause you know she needs her own page.  Seriously, how much do we love her???

Britni- cause she is just all kinds of Hot Mess (in a good way).

Radical Vixen- one of the THREE amazing chicks I know who use the title Vixen- and I love her blog.  I've been reading it for years.  

(incidentally- I think they all think I'm pretty swell too.)

Steff- who is a cool chick who speaks her mind, and blogs about a lot of things, sex just being one of them.

That's what I did this morning.  That isn't all who is in my reader, but I went through many last night before I went to bed.  But that is what is there now.

And now.... my reader is clean, and empty.  

California Season

I often don't open my mouth when people are in conversation about the weather. I don't use the term weather as a metaphor for mundane topics. I mean, 'the weather'. People get really frustrated with my uneducated, and simplified meteorology/ weather tactics.

I'm from California. Born and raised, and very rarely have I ever left. I've lived probably 90% of my life (that's a fast calculation) living within 15 miles of the house I grew up in. My son is going to the Jr. High School I went to. I drive past my high school every day that I drive to work. Being from California- Southern California- things are different here. One thing that is different here, than it is in many other parts of the world, is the weather.

I would guess that it's usually between 60-85 degrees on any given day. That's what it seems like in MY world. A little research would tell me that the winter months are get down in the 40's, and of course we months get into three digits. In my little world, I'm cold when it's half a degree below 70. Just as the thermostat reaches 80, I'm hot. I think many (but not most) people who have always lived in California have always felt that way. We are climate controlled.

Weather snobs always piss me off. Those who tell me, "Oh you don't know cold." Ummm, yes I do. When I feel that chill on my skin and my nipples are sticking out through my very PADDED bra- I'm cold. Don't tell me I don't know cold. Maybe I've never had to walk through the snow, but you know- I live in Southern California. Don't blame ME for the awesome fucking weather here. I didn't create it, I just enjoy it so put on your snow boots and drudge away, Mr. McFreezy.

That being said, I was having a conversation with my best friend Ed who lives in Colorado, who started our most recent conversation with, "They said it wasn't going to snow, but it's fucking snowing."

"Is it supposed to snow this late in March?" I asked him? "If it's still snowing the first few months of spring, why don't they just change the damn dates of the seasons?"

My friends on the East Coast are still freezing thier pretty tits off as well. On Friday here in Cali, I swear it was 85 degrees. I made sure to tell them all about it. Winter is WAY over here- even though it was a very chilly 60 something degrees last night and probably in the 50's this morning. Winter is over.
O-VER

So as the conversation went, we identified the 'seasons'- of a non traveling, temperature controlled, California girl/ parent such as myself.

• "Summer" starts on the 'last day of school', and ends on the 'first day of school'
• "Winter" starts the Monday after Thanksgiving and ends around the December 28th. (Whatever day the Christmas Decorations start coming down.)

The rest of the time, is just California time.

It's all pretty simple. It's going to be about 72 degrees today. That seems about right for California Season this time of year.

don't ask me why....

I'm haunted today- by this song
and a man who's been gone for far too long....

It's weird how that happens. You keep people in your mind and in your heart- but they just sort of circle the perimeter. They cross your mind when you drive past a certain location, or hear a song on the radio- but as soon as they enter your mind, they are gone again- back to that storage place with the rest of the people you've loved in the past.

Then there's days and I wake up and it's like he's sitting in my living room. Having coffee and patting the seat next to him. Maybe it's just the absence of my mind lately that makes my subconcious pull out the big guns. Throw his memories at my feet and says "Here- kick this around for a while."

The only way to fight it, is to let it be. He won't stay. He proved that.

---
In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

-And so it goes, Billy Joel

How to talk about sex with a child; or "the jizz talk."

Something really really REALLY funny happened today. You mom's will appreciate this, I think.

I got a bit buzzed tonight. I tried not to be to weird about it, but I sat in the living room watching TV with the kids, trying to stay quiet until Gabriel said... "What's Jizz?"

Alex and I froze and looked at him. Alex said, "WHAT?" and I smacked him.

"What's Jizz?" he asked again. I started giggling, wondering if maybe I said something. I looked at the TV, in which they said it again. But it wasn't jizz- it was "chizz." However, Gabe was saying, "jizz." Again and again.

Did I mention that I was buzzed??

Alex and I exchanged glances again and I defined "chizz" based on how it was used in a sentence on iCarly. (definition HERE.) I was trying though, not to laugh. Not to let on to Alex how funny I thought it was. How I know Alex was trying to pretend he didn't know what it meant and probably more so- pretend that I didn't know what it meant. You never, EVER want to think of the word "jizz" and "your mom" in the same sentence. But I was laughing now, and Gabe's insistance to keep saying it- because it was getting a response from both me and Alex. Alex kept trying to correct Gabe, saying, "no it's chizz Gabe. CHIZZ." At this point, either one of the words coming from my sons is making me hysterical.

I called Mike, to see if he had heard this- he was hunched over in the kitchen. Trying just as hard not to piss himself because HE was laughing so hard as well.

"What is jizz mommy? Do you like it? Do YOU like jizz mommy?"

I could not take it any longer. I laughed now, outloud. Hard and loud. The best laugh I've had in months. Gabe was kind of amused by Mommy's display of maniacal laughter. Alex was mortified.

I was officially loaded. And laughing hysterically.
My 6 year old asked me if I liked jizz.

Jizz.

best.day.ever.

the trashy sex blogger....

So there was a list that went around a few weeks ago of the top 100 sex bloggers, and I hate to be a fucking baby, but I was kinda irked that I wasn't on it. Not me here, but me there... if you know, you know... I won't link. I could have promoted it, asked for votes... all that- but I didn't. I didn't think I gave a damn, but then I didn't show up on the list, and I admit I was kinda hurt.

Friends say it is not a big deal. It's a popularity contest and I was never the prom queen type, but still, even amongst the sex bloggers, the ones that are 'my people' - am I still the slut with her bra strap hanging off her shoulder?

There were quite a few left off the list that I was shocked about... the #1 was right on though.

Sinclair is my butch fantasy.

Overexposed

Sometimes I worry about how much I'm on the internet.  I don't mean the time I spend, but how much I am EXPOSED on the internet. 

However, lets be clear.

I talk a lot about my life. 
I make up a lot of stories about a sex life.
I take a lot of pictures.
I tell a lot of truths.
I tell a lot of lies.

I make no claims to what is or is not true.  If I tell you, "THIS IS TRUE"- then it is, but when do I ever say that?  But you can assume that everything on the internet is true- or a lie.  I guess it depends on the source.... what does that tell you?

I write as a hobby.  And I'm good at it, some of you know.  Is what I say the truth, or am I just really that good?  Hmmm, you never really know, do you? 

In some ways, my life is really so mundane and boring that I write a lot and create things that may or may not be real.

Your mind makes it real...  ha ha.

There are some real people in my life, that make it tolerable- some: intolerable.

I ask that you respect my choices in life, as I respect yours.  My mother told me that my siblings are gossiping about me.  It sucked having to hear it from my mother because I suspect that she joined in on the Julie-bashing party too.  However, I don't really care.  It's what families do sometimes and I am not going to dispute that I'm an easy target.  I put my life out here like this and that leaves me open to the scrutiny of others.  I have been told that my brother, who I love and adore, now thinks I am a bad influence and that "I'm just a little crazy."  

Thanks.  You may be right, I may be crazy.

I've been told that all I do is complain about my life and don't take any advice.  Well, I stopped asking for advice a long time ago.  If you don't want to hear my complaining, please don't read my blog anymore.  This is my space to vent and think.  A lot (read: MOST) of what I write on my other blog is fiction.  Yes, fiction.  It says so right there "some is true, some is made up." Guess what?  I'm a good writer.  A DAMN good writer, and if you thought it was all true- well, I'm glad that I am believable- and maybe someday I can make lots of money writing books that people jerk off to.  A bucks' a buck right?

I don't hurt anyone- I am perfectly content hurting myself.  I do not judge my family for their choices.  I don't.  I may not understand everything about them, but you know- I don't have to live their lives, and they don't have to live mine.  Lets all just stay to our neutral corners and maybe we can stop the smack talk.  I don't deserve it.  I don't owe you any money, ok, well, Johnny I think I will ALWAYS owe YOU money. 

If you don't like the way I live my life- I suggest that you don't live it.

Personally I'm not always a big fan of it either.

Why I like Twitter

I am trying to convince the Athiest to use Twitter. I think all my friends should use it. Most of my friends like to update their myspace updates and let people know what they are doing all day. Sometimes I see random updates like this...

On the train back to NYC. Thinking and talking to my 'rents was good. Feel some restoration of focus

See and I think... Oh I miss NYC and I think I did some very good thinking on that train. And I should go visit my mom today. Twitter satisfies some of the voyeur in me. Just some of it. The rest of it is satisfied by porn and stuff.

But if you don't Twitter, you should try it. And follow me- cause I will follow you.

Just a geek girl

My IT guy, yeah I got a guy- was impressed with my ability to handle some of my computer problems, or at least the fact that I try to fix these things on my own.

He said, "I think you are really just a geek girl."
maybe

"Well, you know, it's kinda hot. But you don't need validation from me."

Um, helloooo.
Here's a crash course about Julie:

Impatient
Dirty minded
More vain than I care to admit
Attention whore

Directions: Tell me that I'm hot and that my tits look great and that you want to screw me.
Tell me often.

Rinse. Repeat.

Check me out- I'm all brilliant and stuff

So I bought this URL.

www.juliedoyaloveme.com

It was available after all the time, so I suspect that Bobby Sherman won't mind. Google will redirect from the blogspot address to the new one for a while, but you know, update your links and stuff too.

It may take a few days and there may be some gliches- but I doubt it.

I also bought another URL for the other site but that one will take longer to put together since there is more involved and I didn't use blogger for it.

Not sure if I will change much here really- but for a $10 domain for a year, well, what does it hurt right?? There may be some format changes- who the fuck knows??




Aside from the domains I bought this weekend, I also bought new white lacey panties. score.

bitching

E-husband has been sick all week. Not diabetes, vomiting sick- just...sick. I don't know. I have not been paying a lot of attention to him. He has a Dr. appointment this morning with the pain specialist, and he wasn't to sick too drive himself there.
Thank God he is going home on Sunday. He won't be back for at least a week. I'm hoping longer. Maybe my mother is right and maybe I am just 'using him' when it works for me. But it doesn't work that well and I'm tired of seeing him over medicated for days and then a withdrawing jackass for days after. The flu, right.....
This morning I said, "you know I'm more broke than you are." and he said, "how do you figure?"
Ummmm.... cause I have no money, and BILLS to pay. You just have no money.
--

Have you ever been so bored with yourself you don't even want to have conversations in your head??
--
What do you think of writing prompts? I have read somewhere that if you need a writing prompt, you should be writing. But fuck that person. I am tired of my daily bitching. I know others are tired of it also. So maybe I will try writing prompts. I found a website that offers them, very simple ones that they use for students who have to write in their classroom journals daily. I think I will try that for a month.

Maybe I will find myself to be more interesting. School has only been out for a week- how can I be bored already??

See me writing....

So I have decided, with some encouragement from some...um...fans, to put together a collection of my posts from my other blog and publish them. I have gotten feedback from some other self-publishers on a site/company to use and I am in the process. It's weird reading my own stuff in one sitting while I am going through and editing.

It's written in a blogging format. Informal. Strange grammar. Words that sort of hang there. Excessive use of the words throbbing and aching. Using the word "cock" too many times in once sentence. And reading one story after another, grouped together by topic, it seems repetitive. Blowjob after blowjob after blowjob... enough with the blowjobs already!! My thought was to group the tales (two to six pages each) by category so you can flip to the 'sections' you like, even though no story focuses in just one category. But then maybe I should rank them from Vanilla to Violence.

I considered, why would anyone buy it, if they can read it for free. This is a very good point, but I know what people are usually doing, or getting ready to do when they are cruising sex blogs- so maybe it might be easier to do if you have a book. I always prefer it. I mean, the minute I take my laptop to bed with me, the e-husband knows what I'm doing.

I'm excited about it, and even though probably won't make me rich it's still something cool to do to prove I've done something. I just have to think of a pen name although I'm tempted to use my real name. I mean, who gives a fuck, right? I doubt my mother is going to be googling my name anytime soon. And if she does, well, she used to read Jackie Collins. Although my last name doesn't quite roll off the tongue.

Any thoughts??

everyday is a compromise

maybe it's the meds. maybe it's hormones. maybe it's my lack of human contact- but lately I've been so moved and touched by so many things. my brain wraps around things and I'm almost touched to tears by it.

This is one thing. really, it's worth the watch:




I think about all my secrets. The secrets I share with others. The secrets others share with me, and the ones that I keep all to myself. Sometimes I wish that I could write about everything, but I've chosed to not be anonymous so I can't. There are too many people to protect.

Sometimes I am just protecting myself from your wrath, sometimes I'm protecting you from mine.

For all my secrets- my biggest regrets are probably lost in the things I never said.

The blog about the blog

Lately I've been wishing I just had one blog. Many of the sex bloggers know who I am, and my friends know I write a sex blog. I wonder who I am hiding from. I'm not afraid of people knowing that I write a sex blog. If you know me, you wouldn't be shocked, and some of you might even be impressed. While the e-husband has never seen the blog, he's read a decent amount of my stuff. He likes it. My boss loves erotica and she loves my writing too.

I never claimed that the sex blog was all true.

I wonder if I could write normal things as well as I write about fucking.

I've also considered stopping writing to both blogs and going anonymous. Writing about my life, 100% non-fiction, and throwing in the erotica tales. Other than my mother, of course, who the hell am I afraid of finding out??

This year I'm going to participate in NaNoWriMo and actually attempt to turn the erotica into a novel. I'm going to work out the details and story and such and then sit down and write bang it out (no pun intended). Who knows if it will be any good? Who knows if I can carry a story for 50K words? Who knows if I can pull off third person writing?

Is it erotica, or porn?? I guess that depends on my mood. It depends on your perspective. Maybe you will be offended by my language, or the content, or maybe you are not into some of the things that I find sexy. Some who know me personally will not be able to get past the fact that it's me writing it. Maybe I'm not pretty enough- maybe you think that big girls don't know what good sex is. Whatever. I write it because it channels my demons and sometimes quiets the bitchy voices in my head. The attention is nice. The people that I've met are amazing. It's given me a new confidence about mysself. Even if my dark side is twisted and nasty and sometimes a bit on the violent side, don't try to tell me you don't have a dark side. Everyone has a dark side.

I'm blogging about my blog. That's kind of ironic. One thing is for sure, I will be changing the URL soon. When I picked it, I had no idea that it would be as popular as it is, and I never thought that I would be a little uncomfortable giving it to people that I actually know. It reminds me of Princess Consuela Banana Hammock.

Sometimes you really gotta think these things through....

virtual trip- where have you been??

This is my 198 post on this blog since November. Bitchen.

Are all 12 year old boys insanely immature??

So since I don't get to travel much- I want to know where you've been. Tell me someplace you've been that you think I should go, anywhere on the globe or as close as your hometown, and tell me what I should see when I'm there. I'll do some research, and report back for my 200th blog post. I've got a few days, so get on it!!!

What I love about the internet (adult content)

You can find anything. Today I looked for gluten free foods, directions to a store, information on Windows Vista, the TV guide, the phone number to the emergency room at my hospital, information on stroke and diabetes, how to add music to an audio post, the world news, the local news, the weather in my neighborhood, Hawaii (where my parents and sister are vacationing) and Denver, where my friends are having a birthday party for thier daughter.

not to mention cruising around looking at Half Nekkid Thursday pictures.

I admit, I'm just as much a dirty voyeur as the rest of the people who post thier half nekkid goodies on the internet. So while I was cruising the blog waves, I came across this guy. Now don't click it if you don't want to see what rhymes with "click" - but I tell you, you want to see it. Call it my gift to you. After I scrolled away from that picture, I found this interesting video clip about internet porn.

GOOD Magazine: Internet Porn Transparency


Now I don't pretend that I am against or SHOCKED by internet porn. ya know? I mean, lets be serious. I'm 35 years old, I live alone, I have no steady 'man' in my life and an arsenal of toys. Of course I like porn. I even had favorite 'actresses'. Back when I first watched porn, Barbara Dare was my favorite. That crazy 80's heavy metal hair and the fact that she didn't look like she was 16 made it more convincing. I think porn was a little different in the early 90's than it is today. The women all look borderline legal in the porn movies now. You are almost afraid to watch. almost. Jenna Jameson was really a master of her craft. She made fake orgasms look good. That girl had talent.

I find it interesting that most port searches are done during work hours. You can risk having your secretary walk in to your office and see that you are browsing hotsluttyshavencheerleaders.com, but by all means, don't let your WIFE catch you!!! I don't look for internet porn during work hours. Absolultely not.

The hospital blocks all the good porn sites.

bastards.

and no- I have never been to adultfriendfinder.com. When I get that desperate, you have my permission to shoot me.

Space Invaded

or Trapped in Temecula

I'm not exactly sure if I'm having a good weekend or not. It's not BAD. I'm staying in a really nice house. Cable TV, internet, and so much food I can't even decide what I want to eat. The inlaws are in Laughlin, and the e-husband and I are staying in our neutral corners and the kids are pretty well behaved. I guess if I were at home, I'd be cleaning house. We haven't made it to the lake- but I think trying to take them alone might be an exercise in futility, besides, the kids are having a blast playing in the little pool that grandpa bought for them. I set up the pool and spray them down with the hose, while I manage to soak up some sun as well. Workin on that 'base tan.'

I remember when I was younger, maybe 13- I would spend the afternoon laying out in our backyard. I'd set up a lawn chair recliner and my radio and some iced tea and I'd lay out in the sun, listening to The Countdown, American Top 40- covered in Tropical suntan oil. Not an ounce of sunblock, just oil. I remember that it was boring as hell, just laying there, but I wanted to tan. I still find laying out to be kind of boring. When I'm hanging out, talking, drinking or reading, it's fine because I'm doing something. But I never understood just laying there for hours and hours. I think I would be thinking of all the other things I should be doing.

Which is why I enjoy being here. Because while I'm not doing anything- if I was at home, I would not be able to not do anything. As it is, I have a mental list of the things I need to do when I get home. But that's not until tomorrow.

For now, I will just invade his space and enjoy the loaded fridge!! This is closest I have to a vacation, so I will enjoy what I can!!

As exciting as a root canal!!

So I have less hits today after making the Dancing with the Stars comment yesterday. I'm not the only one that watched it, you know? I have noticed my daily traffic slowly climbing here, so I welcome you 8 or 9 newcomers to my world. This blog is almost to about 3,000 hits in about the 5 months I've been writing it. Half Nekkid Thursday helps alot. :)

Now I have that other blog that I have briefly mentioned here. And last week or so, that blog hit 100,000 hits. It was a silent little victory for me. I have a nice group of loyal readers (I just call them "readers") and friends and I'm grateful for my slice of the dirty blog-o-sphere. Call it what you want, it's something I'm proud of.
---
I was watching What About Brian last night and one of the guys proposed to his wife. It's a long story... but he did the one knee and the diamond ring- thing. It was sweet. Not overly sappy or corny, like a proposal in a fortune cookie, but sweet. Thought out. Genuine.

I've been married twice. I've never had the one knee and the diamond ring. The one knee- yes, and the diamond ring- yes, but not at the same time, or the same guy- and not with any effort put in to it. I didn't care about all that, really, but then maybe I just figure nobody will find me important enough to do it for me- and maybe that's because I keep saying it's not important to me. What came first- the intimacy challenged woman, or the lazy man?

I don't have a plan for my marital status right now. It's on hold. But if I ever actually get married again, God help us all, I think I'm going to do my best to pretend that the whole one knee, big diamond, fancy wedding and spectacular honeymoon IS really important, because really, while it may not be- it might be fun and I won't ever be asking myself this question again:

Did I settle for less, or did I just never ask for more?

I always said that I didn't care about having a big wedding and all that hoopla, what I wanted was a good marriage.

Yeah, now I'm 0 for 2 and I have still never been on a cruise.
---
Flashback: March 1999- it was a Wednesday. We have been living together approximately one month. Dating for a year and a half.

e-husband: "What do you want to do this weekend?"
me, looking through the travel section of the newspaper: "Hey, we could go to Vegas."
e-husband: "We could get married while we're there."
me, laughing slightly: "Well Vegas is the place for that"
e-husband: "We should!"
me: "get married, this weekend?"
e-husband: "Maybe not this weekend. We could leave now. Get married tomorrow. Lets do it."
me: "I can't. I have jury duty tomorrow."
---
It never occured to me until just now- how really funny that is.

Question of the day

From Question of the Day

You've been given 3 parachutes, but there are 4 people who need them. Who will you not give one to: Your boss, your spouse (or signifcant other), the last person who called you on the telephone, or the last person who rang your doorbell? (Of course, all 4 of them are up really super duper high in the air, and the parachute is truly the only way to save them. You are safe on the ground, so there is no need to give yourself a parachute.)

Ok, I'm not even going to get into the whole how can I be on the ground and they are up in the air so how am I going to give them parachutes...thing. cause that defeats the purpose. I would give one to:
my boss- cause she's got a family
my husband- cause that's kind of a no brainer
the last person who called me- cause he's my best friend and I'd totally want to know why he was falling from the sky with my boss and my e-husband. And really, were he and my boss just trying to push him out of the plane and it went awry?

I would NOT give it to the last person who rang my doorbell, because while he was really cute, he was a guy who sold me the Los Angeles Times. 12 weeks for $15. Friday Saturday and Sunday. Three weeks ago- and I have YET to see a fucking newspaper. Thus proving that men are liars.