mental days

I'm taking a few days off of work. My original plan was to spend it with 'the boyfriend' who is in town but that hasn't worked out as I'd hoped. However I see that I do need a few days of peace and quiet to get my head together and get caught up on a few things that have slipped thru the cracks.

My Homework: I am currently failing my Operations Class? Why- cause I just can't get my damn homework done and/or turned in on time? Why? Cause I really just feel overwhelmed and depressed.

My Apartment: I was on a good run in starting to clean it- but I stopped doing the daily maintenance and hid in my room for several nights. Why? Cause I really just feel overwhelmed and depressed.

My Job: Ok, well it doesn't make sense that I would take time off if I need to get back on track at work, however- if I don't just take a few days to unwind, by myself without the kids screaming in my ears, my husband on the phone and the other relationship issues I'm having- well I think I'm just gonna do shitty work. I really DO care about my job more than that.

My life has gotten away from me again. Somewhere, I lost my basket. I lost sight of what is important to me and fell into the scary trap that says, "I'm not good for anyone or anything so maybe I'll just drink and take these pills and then mope for several days on end." My kids are seeing me fall apart. Alex doesn't even want to BE HERE right now. No- this is not good and I just have to get myself together. Put on my big girl panties and pull it together.

How? I have no idea.

I have a hard enough time getting out of bed in the morning, and a harder time getting out of the house. Yesterday I called my girlfriend, just sobbing, crying. Mostly because of the boyfriend, but somewhat because I just felt that I couldn't move. My chest felt like it was about to explode and I wanted to scream and kick and cry. I was terrified and I just couldn't make a step. I expected a nervous breakdown to be something really dramatic, like going to bed for days and days until someone shows up and throws you in a shower, clothes on. No- this breakdown is like the end of a slow speed police chase. I knew the cops were after me, but I figured since I was already going, I may as well go until the engine runs out.

My engine has officially run out. I give up.

My life is unmanageable because I simply don't know what to do with myself. My feelings made no sense, I know they are not true. I am NOT stupid, incapable, or unworthy. I am NOT unstable, unlovable OR unfuckable.

I am not disposable.

However, I feel that I am all those things- and these are feelings that seem to burrow deep under the surface of my skin and like a thin splinter, it's just not gonna come out all that easily. I can't stop myself from falling apart, it's already happening and it simply needs to happen. However, I have to set parameters that are within normal limits for my kids to feel secure. Everytime Gabriel sees me cry, he has a set back. The circle is vicious and nobody is gonna stop it if I don't.

So what's next? Well I'll tell you- I'm not sure. It looks a little like soothing my soul with comfort food. Talking out some issues with the boyfriend in hopes for some relationship aftercare. and who knows, maybe some laundry.