Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I have spent 12 long years in a marriage that wasn't mine. It wasn't what I signed up for. It wasn't what I was promised. It wasn't what I wanted. So many times I would wake up and think, "this is not my marriage. this is not my life! how did I get here. and how do I get out??"

After 12 long years, last Friday I finally reached my breaking point. The line- that was 5 football fields long- had been crossed and all of a sudden it all seemed very simple and obvious to me. My answer was so simple. So very simple.

Get out, and don't ever come back.

Today I have a forward motion. I have a job interview today. Tomorrow I am looking at a house to move in to. a HOUSE! Me, in a house with screen doors, a garage and nobody living above or below me. In only my secret fantasys did I ever think I would live in a house, even if it was a rental. Surely I was not worthy of such a luxury.

This morning in talking with Chris (whom I will lovingly refer to here as "Daddy" from here on out), we were speaking about fear in relationships and how you always risk getting hurt. We can say that "Daddys don't leave" all we want to, but in reality, we know that sometimes they do. The point I made is that the journey on my way to that 'possible' end- is worth the pain of that possible end. It's worth it to risk something, in order to HAVE something.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained- Daddy said.

And this is so true. For so long I was afraid to walk out of that marriage for fear of how it might feel. Would I be strong enough to take care of my kids, and face the scrutiny I might face for leaving a man in his chronic condition? Sure it's what I wanted, it's what I NEEDED - but the cost was high, and what's on the other side? I had no clue. A people pleaser to the core, the fear of people telling me I'm a bad person (and me believing it) was enough to keep me trapped for all these years.

What I have found, in just a few short days- is that what is on the other side is possibility. I have no clue how this interview will go, but what if I'm offered the job and then all my hard work in school is rewarded with a fulfilling job and a fat paycheck? I have no clue if I will get this house, but what if I do an I get to wake up every morning in a house that I can afford- where my kids have a backyard and I can sit on a porch with a cup of coffee every morning. Sounds like a goddamn fairy tale to me. But who says I can't have that? Who says that I can't be the dirty princess in my own ridiculous life?

Nobody, that's who.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.