My first convention...

The convention was awesome. I was so glad I got to go. It was exciting to see so many people excited about reovery. There was one AA guy who was probably in his mid 20's and he talked about how he used to come to convention and spend alot of time looking around town and being out and around made him feel good- but that day, driving around town, passing the jail that he spent alot of time at before, being at the marathon meeting and sharing his experience made him feel good about being himself. I thought that was cool, and exciting to think that I can feel good about being me. I guess that is ways off. It made me sad that M did not have this experience. I wish so much that he would embrace the gifts of recovery. I know that I can't make him do it- but I can pray for him- and be a good example. Last night he was listening to an AA tape, I hope he will eventually hear something that touches his heart and opens his mind.
I got to receive a book because I was the newest member at a marathon meeting. I got up to the podium and said my name. That was all though- I was so emotional I knew had I opened my mouth I would have cried and never stopped. Friday night was such a horrible night- and Convention was a perfect anecdote for it. Perhaps my program is the anecdote for a horrible life... A girl from my group got up and shared about her anger regarding her son who was killed recently because of this disease. She was dressed so nice and is so beautiful and classy. But listening to her share her pain made me think about how brave she is. I could not even open my mouth to say that I was happy and grateful to be there, but she stood in front of us and shared about her sadness, fear and anger. I know she feels that she is not strong, but she really is. So much stronger than she knows.
I also got to spend time in the car talking with my sponsor. It was great. She has been so wonderful and supportive. She says that I am doing so well in this program- but I feel so far behind. After Friday I feel like I'm going to get kicked out of the Al-Anon for good and I know I have to share about that at a meeting to get it out of my head because it's a feeling and I know it's not a fact. The people that a talked to at Convention told me that my choices are not easy, but they are mine to make and mine to live with.
Today I need to be useful. Perhaps it will help me feel good about being me.