I know this and have known it for a long time.
Earlier this year my husband and I decided to split up. I don't know why this is so complicated. We've played house, and played nice for a long time and our original plan was that he'd be moved out by September.
Well here it is- and nothing has changed. The only difference is that I've changed. I can see this relationship in it's entirety. I know it's over. I really think that he knows it's over. We are just biding time. Tying up loose ends. Making things works. Playing nice. Looking back on 10 years, I know I did my best- but somethings just need to end. This marriage was bound to fail and I know why. He wasn't strong enough, I tried to be strong for the both of us. I still try- and I'm still not.
Now it's over. I want to get on with my life. I need to stop the enabling, I need to end this facade because I'm not even trying anymore. We are as nice to each other as strangers or roomates. Maybe a little nicer- but in general, it's over. So over. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know this. You know what's happened, and this is nothing new.
It's not just me. He knows its over. He doesn't want to be with me either. Sometimes though, the past comes back to haunt you. Mistakes you make in the past keep you from having a future. I see this now. Nothing comes without a cost. I know that I haven't always made the right choices, but I'm trying. I'm trying to move on, have a life and just get on with it. I want to do what's best for all of us. I used to think that splitting up was ONLY good for me- but I realize that it's what's best for everyone. For me, the boys and especially Mike. It's hard though. It's uncomfortable.
It's expensive.
The next phase will come at a high cost to everyone. I know this- but I have to trust that it will be better for everyone in the end. There's no reward without sacrifice. Who said that?
(end rant)
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